Texmo's joke thread.

[texmo]

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., I... think I
need a brain." "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND
POWERFUL OZ?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?, Bill says.

[texmo]

At school, a teacher tried little Jhonny's math skills.

Teacher : If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Johnny : Seven!

Teacher : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Johnny : Seven!

Teacher : Let's try this another way. If I give you two pieces of candy,
two pieces of candy, and another two pieces of candy, how many pieces of candy have you got?

Johnny : Six.

Teacherr : Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Johnny : Seven!

Teacher : How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Johnny : I've already got one rabbit at home!

[texmo]

My son woke me up in the middle of the night.

"Dad, my penis hurts! It's sticking out and it won't stop."

"Don't worry son, it's perfectly normal.

When you get to be grandpa's age and it doesn't stick out, that's when it hurts."

[texmo]

In a perfumery:

Woman: What do you suggest is a nice perfume for him?

Sales Lady: How about the bottle of Jungle Passion? It'll release the tiger in your husband!

Woman: Hmm... that's too much for him. What do you have for a Pussycat?

Sales Lady: Ooohhh!

[texmo]

Hi Mike! I haven't seen you since we were in the High School Debating Team.

Yeah, and I haven't won a debate since.

Since you left school?

No, since I got married.

[texmo]

The minister asked the congregation, "Those who want to go to heaven, please rise."

All but one man, a redneck rose.

Then the minister asked, "Those who want to go to hell, please stand. Nobody rose.

The puzzled minister stared down at the redneck and asked where he wanted to go.

"Nowhere," said this fellow. "I like it here."

[texmo]

On my son's seventeenth birthday, I told him that I realized he would probably start smoking soon.

"Promise you'll tell me yourself." I begged, "instead of letting me hear it from the neigbors."

"Don't worry about me, mom," he said.

"I quit smoking a year ago."

[texmo]

My daughter's junior-high school gym class is made up of girls from the seventh, eighth and ninth grades.

After taking physical fitness tests in accordance with the government's physical fitness program, my own youngster, a slender twelve-year old, came home exhausted.

"We had to see who could do the most push-ups." She said, "and it's just not fair! The girls with the big chests didn't have nearly so far to go to touch the floor."

[texmo]

I just came arcoss this, I know its old and probly a repost but I liked it so I though I might throw it in for good measure....

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. "
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. "
As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[yungatart]

The Great Australian Yarn

Len Evans, restaurateur, wine writer and raconteur, used to write a column for The Australian newspaper, and over a period of weeks, sought entries for the Great Australian Yarn.

This was the winner:

Two drovers standing in a bar.

One asked, "What are you up to?"

"Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah . . . and what route are you takin'?"



"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

[texmo]

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

[texmo]

As Jesus was hanging on the cross, he shouted for Peter. Peter said "I'm here lord!" And Jesus said "Peter, Peter..." and Peter tried to go to him, but the Roman guards kicked him in the face, and Jesus said "Peter, Peter..." and Peter tried to sneak around the guards and they cut him with their swords and Jesus said "Peter, Peter..." and Peter, bleeding badly, crawled up to the cross and gasped, "I'm here Lord, what is it?" and Jesus said "Peter, I can see your house from up here."

[texmo]

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Presbyterian: When you rearrange the letters: Best in Prayer
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A rope ends it
Slot machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash lost in me
The morse code: When you rearrange the letters: here come dots
A decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a dot in place
Mother in Law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! no more z's
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
President Clinton of the USA: When you rearrange the letters: to copulate he finds interns

[texmo]

3 old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.

[texmo]

Michelangelo was up on the scaffolding in the Sistine, a little bored, a little tired. He looks down, sees an old lady kneeling in prayer, and decides to have some fun.

His voice echoes through the Sistine. "This is Jesus. How may I help you?"

The woman showed no sign of hearing him.

He said again, "This is Jesus; how may I help you?"

Still no response.

So he tried one more time. "This is Jesus. How may I help you?"

The woman looked up at heaven and said, "Shut up--I'm-a talkin' to your mama!"