Texmo's joke thread.

[texmo]

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

[texmo]

A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."

[texmo]

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[texmo]

A court falls silent as the defendant is led into the courtroom.
The judge asks the defendant to stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chainsaw."
The crowd gasps and in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted, banging his gavel. "I will not tolerate such outbursts!"
He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You damned tightwad!" blurts the spectator again.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. After staring into the crowd, daring anyone to challenge him, he continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a‹" the man starts to shout, when the judge slams his gavel down and thunders back, "Sir, if you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt and have you locked up!"
The man stands and answers, "I've lived next to that guy for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a damn drill when I asked to borrow one?"

[texmo]

Jesus and Moses are playing golf, and on the third tee Moses shanks one into a pond. "No problem" says Moses. As he lifts his arms, the waters part and he strolls down and chips his ball onto the green.

Jesus hits his ball into the same pond, and starts to walk out onto the water towards the ball. After a few steps he starts flailing his arms and he sinks into the water, finally having to swim out of the pond.

Moses is laughing loudly at this, and asks, "What's the matter Jesus, have you lost your touch?"

Jesus grimaces and explains "I used to be able to do that trick before I got these holes in my feet."

[texmo]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple ofbuttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that...in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned..."Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T .....

[Wolf]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple ofbuttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that...in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned..."Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T .....

Watch out JD "Illiad" Fraser (www.userfriendly.org) might kill you for poaching his joke...

[texmo]

3 girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the
gate they were halted by Peter and his obedient. Peter asked the girls,
"Before entering you must answer this simple question.

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still
virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said Peter. "give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh,quite good",
she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got
married." "Very good", said Peter. "give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all",she said. "I practically have 5ex with every guy I
met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good",
said Peter. " give this girl.......my room key."

[texmo]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying at-
tention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny, what
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied,
"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

[texmo]

Q: How do New Zealanders find sheep in long grass
A: Irresistible

Q: Why do New Zealand horses run so fast
A: They’ve seen what’s happened to the sheep

Q: Why do New Zealanders like to fuck their sheep on the edge of cliff tops
A: They Push back better

Q: What’s long hard and fucks New Zealanders
A: The 3rd Grade

Q: What’s the definition of safe sex in New Zealand
A: Branding the sheep that kick

Q: What do you call 4 sheep tied to a post in New Zealand
A: A leisure centre

Q: How do New Zealanders spell sheep
A: They don’t fuck them foe a couple of months

[texmo]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[texmo]

Saturday morning ...

Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

'Hello?', says a little girl's voice.

'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'?

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.

After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'

'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!'

'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do ... put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'.

'Okay, Daddy'.

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' '

And what happened?'

'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'.

'Oh, my God .... and what about Uncle Frank?'

'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'.

There is a long pause, then Bob says ...........'Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?!!!

[texmo]

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly
and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[texmo]

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did!

What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

[texmo]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"