Texmo's joke thread.

[texmo]

This joke got the most laughs from people in Belgium according to a scientific study on jokes.)

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

[texmo]

(This joke got the most laughs from people in Scotland according to a scientific study on jokes.)

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

[texmo]

(This joke got the most laughs from people in the U.S.A. according to a scientific study on jokes.)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[texmo]

(This joke got the most laughs from people in England according to a scientific study on jokes.)

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

[texmo]

This left me gasping for air....

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much that her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A-hole.

(Gary)
Bitch

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one

[froggyfrenchman]

This left me gasping for air....

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

Quite possibly the funniest thing i have seen for weeks! well done tex.

[texmo]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[texmo]

Quite possibly the funniest thing i have seen for weeks! well done tex.

Cher cher brother bear...

[texmo]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

[texmo]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the
Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
***********
Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia
**************
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she
gets out of the battered
wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's fucking good
for her
***************
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying
pan.
***************
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking
her.
****************
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in
common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
***************
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
****************
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live
with an irritating cunt once
in a while
*****************
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
*****************
Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a
sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her
sister.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between acne and a
Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face
until he's at least 13 years
old.
*****************
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
*****************
Q. What do you get when you cross two black
people?
A. Your ass kicked.
*****************
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer
and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
*****************
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while
they're driving.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise &
semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's
throat at thirty miles an
hour.
*****************
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
*****************
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a
cliff in your new car.
*****************
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.
*****************
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
*****************
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic
bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal
sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your
hole weak.
*****************
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start
eating.
*****************
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
*****************
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and
sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife
and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewellery.
******************
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a
golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
******************
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's
ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
******************
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes
and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis,
it's not time.
******************
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe
sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the
animals that kick.
******************
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

[Sniper]

***************
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying
pan.
***************

Fucken brilliant

[texmo]

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two
judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced
chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before
I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier
than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers
at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to
see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[texmo]

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once
again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build
another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the
blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days
and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no ark. "Noah," he roared,
"I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted
owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well they argued the accommodation
was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on
your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked
up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[texmo]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to

continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel

and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then
get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms

certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man,
and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge
conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But
we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees
to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he
says, "this check is only made out for $50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here, and you could
have.

[Patrick]

hey patrick check post number 32 man

SHIT!!! I hate that when that happens...must've missed it...ooops... your version was better too...bugg :slap: er!