Texmo's joke thread.

[texmo]

Number 1
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first oldguy said,
"My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said,
"My hands shake so bad,that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said,
"That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"



number 2
Once upon a time there was a lazy little bird who decided one year
not to fly south for the winter. However, as time went by it got
colder and colder forcing the bird to reluctantly set off.

As soon as the bird got into the sky its little wings froze and it
hurtled to the ground landing in a farmyard.
The poor little thing knew that its time was up.

After a short time a cow walking through the farm deficated
on our friend who thought that now it would surely die. However,
the manure warmed the bird and feeling happier it began to sing.
The passing farm cat on hearing the chirping went to investigate,
cleared the manure and promptly ate the bird...

My little story has 3 morals :-

1. Someone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Someone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit keep your fuckin mouth shut.


number 3
A cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep up in the Flathead Valley of Montana.


Cowboy:
"Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"


Indian:
"Dog no talk."


Cowboy:
"Hey dog, how's it going?"


Dog:
"Doin' all right."


Indian:
(Look of shock.)


Cowboy:
"Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)


Dog:
"Yep."


Cowboy:
"How does he treat you?"


Dog:
"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."


Indian:
(Look of total disbelief.)


Cowboy:
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"


Indian:
"Horse no talk."


Cowboy:
"Hey horse, how's it going?"


Horse:
"Cool."


Cowboy:
"Is this your owner?" (pointing to Indian)


Horse:
"Yep."


Cowboy:
"How's he treat you?"


Horse:
"Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."


Indian:
(Look of total amazement)


Cowboy:
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?"


Indian:
"Sheep lie."

[texmo]

A biker had been injured in an accident and was hospitalized.
Several nurses each had the opportunity to give him a sponge
bath and were commenting on his genitals. They all had noticed
a tattoo of the word ''Little." So they drew straws to see who
would find out what the whole tattoo said. The nurse with the
shortest straw went into the guy's room while the others
waited in the hall. Suddenly, they heard a commotion, then moans
of passion and a piercing scream. Finally, she came out of the room
with her skirt up around her waist, her panties around one ankle and
a contented smile on her face. The others ask her what she found out.




"It says 'Little Rock Arkansas, Big Dick Champion, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998!'''

[texmo]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was Trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael.
He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.
She's dead."



number 2

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a
golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the
dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading
a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.
He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man
looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a
magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer
then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it
look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm 17," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about
twelve minutes she'll be 16."

number3
little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow A human; it
was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


number 4
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything
to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time,
but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.


Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated
at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.


The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.


"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.


The old man looked him up and down and said,
"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.


"Sure will," said the old-timer.


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player.


"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"


"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
That'll give you a smoother draw."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.


"You bet it will," said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, t
hen shot a cufflink off the piano player.


"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."


The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.


"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano,
he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

[scumdog]

An oldie but a goodie, heard the Wyatt Earp one when I was at high school, been a long time since I last heard it though..

[texmo]

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY
think about him/her?

Well, if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better
keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I
expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four
years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the
Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY
thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her
straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth
control just by leaving the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that
it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living
room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate
to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"

[texmo]

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

[texmo]

A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one
thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with
alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and
announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool
will get a million dollars!"

He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he
made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my
mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll
give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my
Corvette or Lamborghini."

Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the
pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the
other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he
climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and
invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to
his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or
Lamborghini?"

The man replied, "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!"

[texmo]

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian
competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull
costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic
feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read:

Britain 5.8
Russia 5.9
United States 5.5
Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes
costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd
clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly
misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But,
artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read:

Britain 5.8
Russia 5.5
United States 5.9
Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey
jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips
straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get
up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire
'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the
ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read:

Britain 0.0
Russia 0.0
United States 0.0
Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,

"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies, "You've gotta remember, it's damn
slippery out there."

[texmo]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

[texmo]

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah,
5... 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone.

[texmo]

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an
important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and
narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
Same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
Lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on
his Side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from France, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from America, says My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Australian got the job.


reading it out loud makes it eayser to understand.

[texmo]

A shipwrecked man was barely surviving after four months on a deserted island, when one day on the beach, a gorgeous woman rowed up to the shore. "I've been on the other side of the island since my cruise ship sank," she told him.
"At least you had a rowboat wash up with you," he said.
"Oh, I made that out of palm branches and coconut trees." She explained.
"With no tools?" He asked incredulously.
"It was a simple matter of heating an unusual type of rock I found to a certain temperature in my kiln, then melting that into a forgeable iron to make the hardware." She told him. "Do you want to come see my treehouse?"
Well, did he ever! This woman had an amazing fortress, and she cooked him a delicious five-course dinner in her handmade cookware.
After dinner, she went to slip into something comfortable and came back wearing almost nothing. She gazed into his eyes and said, "We've been lonely. I'm sure there's something you want to do right now, something you've been longing for all of these months. I think you know what I mean." He couldn't believe his luck.
"You mean..." He was almost speechless. "I can check my e-mail from here?!"

[texmo]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old, dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of tourists who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could from the sunken vessel. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore, he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.


this one is a repost im sure........
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first."

[texmo]

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Johnny: HIJKLMNO!!!

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Johnny: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*****

Teacher: Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile?"

Johnny: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

Teacher: No, that's wrong.

Johnny: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

*****

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I."

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No! Johnny. Always say, "I am."

Johnny: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*****

Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing. One is green and one is blue with red spots!

Johnny: Yes, it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.

[texmo]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"




number 2
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer
on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think
this one through!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of
the earth: one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; the other
is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking
the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking??????
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Scroll down for the answer!!
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Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down.