Texmo's joke thread.

[texmo]

All good patrick
The wife stands in front of a mirror."you know, dear," she says,
"I look in the mirror & I see an old woman, face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms"

She turns to her husb & says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."

He says in a soft voice,"your eye sight is perfect"

[texmo]

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in
a car when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up in heaven.

God says to them "Ahead are 100 stairs, at each stair you will be
told a joke, if you laugh you will take the one way train to Hell, if you
remain silent, you will continue on. If you make it to the top,
you will stay in Heaven."

So the brunette started up the stairs. At the 55th stair she laughed,
and was sent abroad the train to hell.

The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 79th stair and
got on the train to Hell.

The blonde started up and made it to the 100th stair. She paused,
then began laughing non stop. Shocked, God asked her why she
had laughed. Still laughing she replied, "I finally got the first
joke!"

[texmo]

ACCOUNTANT : Marriage means making a profit, having another person to
share the daily expenses.

ARCHITECT : A man is said to be incomplete before he's married. After
that, he's finished.

BANKER: Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay the
interest.

CARDIOLOGIST: Love is an itch around the heart that cannot be scratched.

ECONOMIST: Marriage is like a barter trade. There must be a double
coincidence of wants.

FIREMAN: Husbands these days are like fires. They go out if left
unattended.

GOLDSMITH: Love comes in three rings. The first is the engagement ring.
Then comes the wedding ring and then the suffering.

MATHEMATICIAN: Give your wife an inch and she becomes the ruler.

MUSICIAN: Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play
second fiddle.

OPHTHALMOLOGIST: `Love is blind. But marriage is an eye opener.' You
have to see eye to eye.

OPTICIAN: Before you get married, open two eyes. After that,cclose one eye.

PHILOSOPHER: Marriage teaches you forbearances, meekness, patience,
thriftiness and a great many things you wouldn't need if
you had stayed single.

PIANIST: Marriage is like a piano. How well it sounds depends on how
well you keep it in tune.

PLUMBER: Marriage is like a warm bath. Once you get used to it, it is
not so hot.

SOLDIER: Marriage is like a besieged castle. Those who are outside try
to get in while those who are inside try to get out.

VIOLINIST: Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over,
the strings are still attached.

WASHERWOMAN: Marriage is the most expensive way to get your laundry free.

DOCTOR: Marriage should not be a doctor-patient relationship - where
one party practices defensive medicine for fear that the other
would sue for negligence or malpractice.

DRIVER: Love should flow like two-way traffic, but sometimes it goes
into a one-way street and ends up in a dead-end.

[texmo]

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

[texmo]

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.

"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our car park?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"

[texmo]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "How come you didn't keep him when you took his picture?"






FARGO, N.D. (AP) - A man thought he might get a protection order lifted by secretly videotaping himself having sex with the woman he was told to leave alone. He was wrong, police said.

Justin W. Fraase, 26, gave the video to an officer, expecting it to show the woman didn't fear him. Instead, the tape revealed more than enough evidence for his arrest, police said.

"He obviously didn't watch it before he gave it to us," Lt. Tod Dahle said. Fraase was charged Thursday with sexually assaulting the woman two days earlier in his apartment.

A judge set his bail at $50,000 cash or bond. The woman, who has two children with Fraase, said he called her over to his home to discuss the custody of their kids.

When she arrived, he cornered her and wouldn't let her call for help until she had sex with him, she told police. "I was terrified," she said Thursday. "I didn't know what to do."

Afterward, Fraase showed her a camcorder and told her he had taped them.

Assistant Cass County State's Attorney Leah Viste watched the video and charged Fraase with three felonies: gross sexual imposition, felonious restraint and violation of a protection order. She also charged him with surreptitious intrusion and simple assault, both misdemeanors.

The video, which Viste said is 30 to 40 minutes long, includes audio of the woman's struggle and makes it clear she didn't want the sex, Dahle said. "He provides us the videotape and doesn't realize that there's all this evidence on there that ends up putting him in jail on all these felony charges," Dahle said. "So basically he arrested himself."

[texmo]

some funny pictures inspired by

-indy


A blonde walks up to a vending machine and puts in some coins. Sure enough, out pops a can of soda. The blonde is amazed, and runs away to get some more coins.


She returns and starts feeding the vending machine full of more coins, and the machine keeps spitting out more cans of soda.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her, "Do you mind if I have a go?" The blonde turns and shouts, "Heck no, can't you see I'm on a winning streak!"

[texmo]

Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident) to court In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"

Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is A fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.

I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "About that time
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me and said, "And, how are you feeling?'"

[texmo]

A CRUSTY OLD MARINE CORPS COLONEL FOUND
HIMSELF AT A GALA EVENT DOWNTOWN, HOSTED BY A LOCAL
LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE. THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF
EXTREMELY YOUNG, IDEALISTIC LADIES IN ATTENDANCE;

ONE OF WHOM APPROACHED THE COLONEL FOR CONVERSATION.
SHE SAID, "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE A VERY
SERIOUS MAN. ARE YOU THIS WAY ALL THE TIME, OR IS
SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?"

"NO," THE COLONEL SAID, "JUST SERIOUS BY NATURE!"
THE YOUNG LADY LOOKED AT HIS AWARDS AND AND SAID, "IT LOOKS LIKE YOU
HAVE SEEN A LOT OF ACTION"

THE COLONEL'S SHORT REPLY WAS, "YES, A LOT OF
ACTION." THE YOUNG LADY, TIRING OF TRYING TO START UP A
CONVERSATION, SAID, "YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD LIGHTEN UP A
LITTLE.....RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELF."

THE COLONEL JUST STARED AT HER IN HIS SERIOUS
MANNER.

FINALLY THE YOUNG LADY SAID, "YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU
DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT WHEN IS THE LAST
TIME YOU HAD SEX?"

THE COLONEL LOOKED AT HER AND REPLIED, "1955."

SHE SAID, "WELL THERE YOU GO, YOU REALLY NEED TO
CHILL OUT AND QUIT TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY......I MEAN, NO SEX
SINCE 1955, ISN'T THAT A LITTLE EXTREME?"

THE COLONEL, GLANCING AT HIS WATCH, SAID IN HIS
MATTER-OF-FACT VOICE, "OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S ONLY
2130 NOW!"

[texmo]

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery ... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

[texmo]

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir", she said,
"You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one
labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice
feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. T
he ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in a hospital and as soon as he opened his eyes, a
nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.. "What happened?" he
exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons, didn’t you" replied the nurse.
The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your dick is underneath your pillow."

[texmo]

Apparently a true letter sent out by an appalachia resident who had joined the army.


Dear Pa & Ma,

Am well, Hope you are too. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.,
but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine
some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,
fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings. Like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit
between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus your holds you
till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches
which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks
so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as
far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all
ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain. is like the
school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and
don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get onto
this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

[texmo]

Last winter some dolt posted an on-line petition suggesting that the name "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" was intentionally offensive to the memory of 9/11...

There were about 3600 signatures, of which about 2000 are sarcastic... below is the original petition, and just a smattering of some of the replies:

To: Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema
Those of us who have seen “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” know what an amazing director Peter Jackson is. When I learned that there apparently was to be a sequel, I was overjoyed.

However, Peter Jackson has decided to tastelessly name the sequel "The Two Towers". The title is clearly meant to refer to the attacks on the World Trade Center. In this post- September 11 world, it is unforgivable that this should be allowed to happen. The idea is both offensive and morally repugnant. Hopefully, when Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema see the number of signatures on this petition, the title will be changed to something a little more sensitive.

Sincerely, The Undersigned

818. C. Hart
I think it would be best, in light of recent events, if the film were simply not shown at all. And by "recent events" I mean "that God-awful first Lord of the Rings film."

1076. Sigmund Wonder
Oh thank you so much for this. Those shameless money-mongers care for nothing but themselves. Could you please start a petition to stop those fascist police from using 911 as their phone number too? That is also something that bothers me.

1102. Paul
They have no sensitivity; I wont even let my twin kids stand next to each other out of respect for 9/11

1183. Lionel Hutz
I myself am a big Elvis fan, and if they name the third film after the book title "Return of the King" I will start my own petition....

1172. Joseph Minkock
How about changing it to: "Frodo's Hilarious Journey"?

1225. Hamm Hurabi
I demand that the number two no longer be used!

1346. Burt Convy's nipples
Yes, this exploitative Tolkien fellow should develop TV programs for Fox. I say change the next movie to *honor* the event: something like "Frodo, the Littlest Fireman."

1443. Olly
I'll sign anything.

1434. William Shatner
I think Jackson's choice of title is shocking and offensive. Two new buildings were recently constructed in my hometown, but we managed to have them demolished and the offenders removed from society.

1422. Ajax Cortina
While you're at it, let's ban the number 11. Every time I see it, I cry.

1405. Pass
I believe Twins should be banned from entering Tower Records stores.

1387. Ashton Kushner
I think it should be renamed "Dude, where's my Precious?"

[texmo]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed,
naked and waiting on her husband.

As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later,
feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face,
bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

[texmo]

Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer, were called for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and
said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't
Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the
body's identity.

Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and
said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't
Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would
say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes