Texmo's joke thread.

[texmo]

Scince I post at least a joke a day, I have decided to make a pure joke thread instead of flooding the jokes forum due to snipers advice.... enjoy the jokes

[texmo]

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, “More blankets.” Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, “More food.” The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, “I’m leaving.” “Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

[texmo]

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.



Man who stand on toilet high on pot.



It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!



Man who jizz in cash register come into money.



Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.



Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.



Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.



Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.



Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.



Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.



Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.



Learn to masturbate--come in handy.



Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.



Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.



Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.



Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.



He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.



Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.



Better to be pissed off than pissed on.



He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.



Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.



Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.



Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.



Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.



Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.



Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.



Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.



He who run behind bus get exhausted.



Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.



Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.



He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.



Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts

[texmo]

10) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.



9) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swish), and they didn't cost $125.



8) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.



7) In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.



6) In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.



5) In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school -- unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.



4) Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. NSync. New Edition vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw.



3) In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.



2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.



1) In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.

[texmo]

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

[texmo]

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads,' For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads,' All the men here have it short and thin.'

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads,' All the men here have it long and thin.'

Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thick.'

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'

[texmo]

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[texmo]

I am a very tall man (6'10").

I was once on a flight from Auckland, New Zealand to a small town way down on the extreme souther tip of the South Island called Invercargill.

The plane I was flying in was very old propellar driven thing, I think it was a C47 Goonie Bird.

The toilet was certainly not designed for a guy my size because the bowl was against the far wall, but the ceiling curved backwards. I found myself leaning way back like I was doing the limbo and trying to urinate at the same time.

Being a propellar driven plane, we hit a bit of turbulance. Because I was leaning backwards so much, put my left hand behind me to brace myself against the door and continued to urinate.

My left hand accidentally hit the door latch and I fell backwards into the aisle and every passenger turned around to see me laying in the aisle with my penis in my hand and I could not stop urinating for the life of me.

I got back into the toilet and composed myself. After another 10 minutes, i returned to my seat and everyone started to applaud.

One old man thanked me for the funiest sight he had seen in all of his life.

I have never returned to New Zealand since.

[texmo]

woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

[Coyote]

Subscribed to thread

[texmo]

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

[texmo]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[texmo]

don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

[texmo]

1. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills and kills you with his bills.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power...

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

[texmo]

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.