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Thread: Texmo's joke thread.

  1. #106
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    was at my regular pub the other night when big Alex walked in, took his usual seat and ordered a pint of his favorite lager.

    Alex leaned over and said to me: "I've just called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

    I was confused by this remark so asked him, "Why on earth would you want to know such a thing???"

    Alex leaned closer and explained: "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week..."
    Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.
    Muhammad Ali

  2. #107
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    Tell me something," asked Stumpy, "How many cookies can you eat on an
    empty stomach, little Johnny?"

    Little Johnny scratched his head and said, "Well, five, I think."

    "Wrong," said Stumpy. "You can only eat just one. After that, your
    stomach isn't empty any more! Gotcha!"

    Little Johnny was impressed so he decided to pull the joke on his
    sister, Judi, when he got home.

    "Hey, Sis, how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?"

    Judi thought for a minute or two and said, "Two."

    Little Johnny was dejected. "Aw, if you'd said *FIVE* I had a GREAT joke for you!"
    Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.
    Muhammad Ali

  3. #108
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    One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

    Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

    The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get
    babies."

    Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said "Oh honey, that's sweet but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."






    For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman
    with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned
    and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be
    able to take my turn.

    A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed
    up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after
    all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the
    garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he
    shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

    Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house
    chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son
    returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

    "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the
    house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
    Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.
    Muhammad Ali

  4. #109
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    A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

    Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

    Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
    The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

    "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

    The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

    "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

    On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

    "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

    The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

    Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

    "Yeah teach?" he replies.

    "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

    Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

    "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

    "Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

    The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

    Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
    Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.
    Muhammad Ali

  5. #110
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    Quote Originally Posted by texmo
    A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

    Do you know the definition of the work "indefinitely"?






    If your balls are slapping on her arse, then your in - definitely!
    I told him,
    "Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?"

    He said,
    "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."


  6. #111
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    A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

    The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

    Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

    The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

    The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

    The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

    The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

    The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

    So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

    "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

    She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

    Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
    Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.
    Muhammad Ali

  7. #112
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    A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

    Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

    He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

    He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
    Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.
    Muhammad Ali

  8. #113
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    For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to
    conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to
    find out peoples' favourite pastimes.

    The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he
    started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building
    near the university.

    He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
    "Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student "John" ,replied the
    man.
    "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your
    favourite pastime ?"
    "Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.

    He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
    came to the next door, when he asked again.
    "Sir, what is your name ?"
    "Jeff !" ,said the second man.
    "Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime ?"
    "Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.

    Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people
    in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching
    bubbles in the bath".

    He left the building and walked across the street where there were
    several row houses to continue the survey.
    At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens
    the door.
    Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
    "Bubbles !"

  9. #114
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    One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding
    parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk
    all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her
    nightgown watching us from the doorway. "If you will be a good girl and
    go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her. Without taking
    the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again. "Here
    is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
    -----------------------------------------------------
    man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed
    from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of
    them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more
    shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach
    the bench.

    "Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I
    am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in
    his blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I
    said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty!' So your Honor, I
    can not possibly stay on this jury!"

    With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box.
    That man is his lawyer."

  10. #115
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    Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.

    His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

    "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.

    So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

    "What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad.

    "Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."

  11. #116
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    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
    students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

    They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
    shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
    that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment

    They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
    to convert it.

    Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
    bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
    bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. That
    bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
    grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became
    as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first
    communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both
    legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
    claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
    FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
    But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
    began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
    until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
    And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of
    the day praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was
    in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
    He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,
    circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
    Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
    Heinlein

    MotoTT Trackdays

  12. #117
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    A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

    "Very good," said her mother.


    "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

    "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

    "Very good," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "Yes, It's because you're blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "No, Honey, Its because you're 24."
    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  13. #118
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    Thought I'd share...

    NWS but not bad
    Attached Files Attached Files
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  14. #119
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    BUMPing this thread, it mustn't die!



    Pornstar milk!
    A pornstar heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note
    for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5
    gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The pornstar came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of
    milk.
    Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
    The pornstar said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
    The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
    The pornstar said, "No, just up to my tits."
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  15. #120
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    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
    noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

    The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

    The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

    The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

    The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

    The priest, getting impatient, said, I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

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