Ramius' Joke of the Day...

[Ramius]

"How to survive a terrorist strike hand booklet"

[Ramius]

Pussy Parade

[Ramius]

USA Definition

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the
President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and
I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?", To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have
to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush,
but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not
an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

[SPORK]

LOL SHE MEANS HE'S A CUNT!

Haha, just kidding, it's great

[Ramius]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of
the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get
the better of the builder...

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[vifferman]

.....Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

Kenny Everrett (or however you spell his name) almost got fired for doing a very similar joke on his TV show. It was a long the same lines, except explaining the history of rule in Great Britain, ending with, "And now that we've got Margaret Thatcher, we're just a country."

[Wolf]

Kenny Everrett (or however you spell his name) almost got fired for doing a very similar joke on his TV show. It was a long the same lines, except explaining the history of rule in Great Britain, ending with, "And now that we've got Margaret Thatcher, we're just a country."

Which I did not see, and nor did half the planet, but ol' Tin Tits kicked up such a public stink about it, people living in a cave in Mongolia got to hear the joke and how upset Haggy Thatcher was...

What do you expect from the bint that reputedly banned the Spilit Enz song Six Months in a Leaky Boat because she thought they were getting at her for her involvement with the Falklands War? Obviously lacks a few neurons.

Me? I'd've been as quiet as I could about the whole Kenny Everett thing...

[vifferman]

Which I did not see, and nor did half the planet

I laughed, then said, "Man - he's got a cheek saying that!" Then laughed some more.
My bro-in-law was working at South Pacific Television at the time (or was it Images? I dunno) but he head lots of contacts in TV and told me the story. What was even funnier than the Kenny Everett shows were the outtake tapes he used to get, from the BBC and other places. No, not the bloopers ones shown on TV at prime time - these were the uncensored ones. The outtakes of shows like Kenny's were pretty wild, and definitely hilarious.

[Ramius]

Kenny Everrett (or however you spell his name) almost got fired for doing a very similar joke on his TV show. It was a long the same lines, except explaining the history of rule in Great Britain, ending with, "And now that we've got Margaret Thatcher, we're just a country."

Ha ha. HHmmm...Wonder when Georgie's croonies will be coming around to pay me a 'visit'

[Ramius]

Straight from London...

[v.ros`]

Ramius, if i may borrow your thread for a wee bit...

ok here t goes........


________________________________________________

A SHORT FAIRY TALE

Boy meets girl.
Boy likes girl.
Boy proposes to girl
Girl says hell no
Boy lives happy ever after

[Ramius]

13 things I hate about people!

[v.ros`]

hehehe nice... that guy is good.

[Ramius]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is
again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the f*cking wall!""
__________________________________________________ _

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it
with Ken."
__________________________________________________ _
Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have s*x.

MOST important....
4. These three women must NEVER meet

__________________________________________________ _

Most married couples mainly argue about two things, s*x and money. So
agree the price before you start.
__________________________________________________

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with
an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall
screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!

[Ramius]

The Bum test, you know you want to try it!