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Thread: One Naughty Lizard....

  1. #1
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    1st August 2005 - 20:26
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    Arrow One Naughty Lizard....

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
    was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds
    prisoner in his room."He's just lying here looking sick," he
    told me.

    "I'm serious, Mom. Can you help? "I put my best
    lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
    bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
    back,looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh,"
    my husband diagnosed after a minute.

    "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie
    , Dad!"

    I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we
    said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my
    husband.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
    cage?" he inquired. (I actually think he said this
    sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him,
    (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my
    teeth together).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
    know," He informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
    going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids
    , this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
    "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.

    " OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

    Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
    litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband wanted to
    know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too,
    don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
    like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant
    second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "Its breech," my husband whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Mom!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
    when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
    disappeared. I tried several more times with the same
    results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest son wanted to know.

    "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
    pattern here with the men in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the
    vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him.
    (Men can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what he does
    to me is one thing, but this boy is of his loins, for God's
    sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at
    the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
    scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron,
    may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my husband asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
    labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is
    a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
    they come into maturity, like most male species, they
    um....um....masturbate.

    Just the way he did, lying on his back. "He blushed,
    glancing at my husband. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mrs
    Cameron."

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my husband offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel husband started to
    giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded knowing, but not believing
    that the man I married would commit the upcoming affront to
    my flawless femininity.

    Tears were now running down his face.

    "It's just...that...I'm picturing... you pulling on
    it's...it's...teeny little..." he gasped for more air to
    bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned.

    We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the
    lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad
    everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom,"
    he told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with
    laughter.

    2 Lizards - $140...

    1 Cage - $50...

    Trip to the Vet - $30...

    Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's wacker.
    Priceless!!! Doesn't anyone know lizards lay eggs???
    Feisty by name Feisty by nature...

  2. #2
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    27th September 2003 - 12:00
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    That a very high class hand job the Lizard got then
    New Zealand......
    The Best Place in the World to live if ya Broke


    "Whole life balance, Daniel-San" ("Karate Kid")

    Kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui ( Be strong, be brave, be steadfast and sure)
    DON'T RIDE LIKE YA STOLE IT, RIDE TO SURVIVE.

  3. #3
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    30th June 2005 - 21:33
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    What you say??!!??
    The real mystery is how come that fat bastard Hurley has never lost any weight.

  4. #4
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    9th June 2005 - 13:22
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    We oldriders enjoyed that yarn but washed our hands after reading it. Kinda compulsive reaction. Yuck!
    My mother was a red head. Can't remember if we had any lizards though.

  5. #5
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    24th January 2005 - 15:45
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    Quote Originally Posted by feistyredhead
    Doesn't anyone know lizards lay eggs???
    Actually, some lizards do bear live young
    Motorbike Camping for the win!

  6. #6
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    17th February 2004 - 13:09
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    Best laugh of the week!
    Experience......something you get just after you needed it

  7. #7
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    7th November 2004 - 11:00
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    Hahaha...........
    To every man upon this earth
    Death cometh sooner or late
    And how can a man die better
    Than facing fearful odds
    For the ashes of his fathers
    And the temples of his Gods

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