If you can read this and keep a straight face youre a better man than me
Danger--work safe but make sure the boss is out when ya read it--They tend not to like hysterical laughter
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the
advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chilli # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chilli # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is > in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from
all of the beer...
Chilli # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,
or other mild foods; not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chilli?
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