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Thread: Katiepie - 10 years on with gentle tears in my eyes, but warmth in my heart

  1. #1
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    12th August 2013 - 20:01
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    Katiepie - 10 years on with gentle tears in my eyes, but warmth in my heart

    As I write this, I am just a few days away from a day that kinda means a lot to me.

    To anyone else, it’s just another day. And every other year it has been one that has been a little confusing to me as I’ve tried to block any emotions around it, try to understand it... do my best to perhaps even forget about it.

    But this time it feels more powerful.

    This time I feel in control for the FIRST time in many many years.

    This time, I let the emotion in and do whatever it needs to do as I get through a day that forever changed my life – 10 years ago.

    It’s been a fascinating, and at times very painful journey. As you try to relearn how to do life by yourself without others understanding how lost you are – you look around you and see how everyones lives have moved forward. Relationships have been formed, families had, careers built, finances soaring after 10 years of everyday people working their arses off to get ahead in life and live their best life.

    Yet you look in the mirror and all you have seen is someone you no longer recognize. A woman who has loved to her full capacity but never really felt love in return, one who used to have all the confidence in the world and laughter was a part of ones daily life. For years you look and you see failure as you fight to regain any kind of traction in life as person after person walks away from you because you “should be better by now”.

    10 years ago I was a very different human. And here I am, writing on a forum that both helped me to grow that original freedom and self confidence that I had as both a motorcyclist, and a person. Yet at the same time it aided in the destruction of so much of my world and the hate that came for years from many of the people I once loved.

    I feel myself drawn here to write. To blog like I once did. To dream of riding my dearly loved R6 around the country solo once more and set myself free as I move into a totally new chapter on my life.

    I might be a different person now, but I will be honest say I am so fucking proud of myself and wouldn’t change any of it - even the human factor that I never considered could be experienced. Because I have become / am someone who lives life with very different values and understanding now. I have tolerance and acceptance far beyond what I ever did as a 26 year old girl who had just lost her house to negative equity, who then lost her career and hard built little empire as the result of a motorbike crash.

    This year, on the 20th of March as many local riders head to the annual hill climb in the Wairarpa I will be sitting by a Lake, with my last remaining elderly dog at my feet, enjoying a glass of wine on my own and having a toast to being alive. I will remember leaving that last hill climb I attended and then the corner before my memory was erased for the next 2 months. I will raise my glass to now being able to start living after a life was paused for almost the entire 10 years. I can now breathe and the air has never felt fresher. I have excitement back in my heart and the sadness presents itself less often over the life that I lost in my past.

    It’s a little scary. Time for me is now running out for some dearly held wishes in my life like having my own family. I’m older. Far more haggered and tired than I was, far more adverse to putting up with crap from others and I’m starting out now where I was those 10 years ago Financially. But it is a dream come true to be right where I am now.. And I have worked very very hard to get there.

    This very moment is everything I have survived for.

    For I am still a motorcyclist. No longer do I care to ride with another being, nor do I give a rats arse about speed, or distance, or looking good on the road. My bike may still be needing some serious love and repairs (not from the crash, some serious lack of maintenance and love over the years), without much of a heart beat to keep it going... but I still have the deep desire and passion to just fucking ride, to aid my hearts burning desire, to look down at my speedo and see the multiple smiley faces from training those many years ago with Karel Parvich that remind me to look up, smile and relax my grip telling myself “you’re riding Katie-Jane, switch on”. Thank you Karel - to this very day you are still with me on every ride and I will always be grateful for you.

    I miss what Kiwibaker gave me in those early years. The friendships that I have been able to still hold onto through all of the shit that have come from here effect me very deeply. Those of you reading this today will know who you are. Some have stood by me when I have yet again fallen so hard on my face and stood back up without an ounce of confidence in my new world. When I have looked them in the eyes and told them I don't think I can do it any more. It’s because of people like you I was able to do so and I thank you.

    Why did it take so long for one person to simply come through a crash? There is no easy answer to that. And perhaps most will never understand what’s involved until they have helped a loved on through it, or been unfortunate enough to have to learn themselves.

    It is with a very exhausted but proud heart that I can share that I have finally been successful in buying my own home again, almost 10 years to the day of losing my last one and walking away with a 40k mortgage and no where to live then crashing my motorbike epicly. I have brought the little country shack that I had moved into just before my accident in 2011 and I have never stopped fighting for it. Even when my rent payments were bouncing, when I was so far behind financially from the loss of my career that I could barely breathe. I now have found the only thing I was ever looking for since life went a bit sideways. Safety. I am safe and it is the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I am home. And no one can ever take that away from me again.

    Very soon I believe my R6 will be humming again and I will slowly start to learn to ride again – in my own time and away from the noise of the riding world. But if you do see me out there again on the road, please do say hello. I no longer know how to communicate with people, I have zero trust in other humans and I am as shy as I was as a teenager again. But I am finally ready to learn how to tackle that, and get back out in the world again. A little older, a little more hardened, heart far more hidden, and pretty sore and creaky most days. But I am here, and I am more grateful than I have ever been to be living my life.

    This is the first time in 10 years I have felt like I can breathe and laugh. I have missed those simple pleasures. Katiepie is back.



    <3 Pie xx
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  2. #2
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    1st September 2007 - 21:01
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    Well spoken girl. Now you have the rest of your life to achieve stuff. What stuff you might ask ?? Well probably stuff you never thought you would think you'd be doing at any stage of your life. Mid thirties ... your life isn't over. I'm almost mid sixty .... and I'm still open to ideas of what I might want to do in the near future. Confidence is overrated. The trick is to make it LOOK like you're confident you CAN do stuff. But give it your BEST shot at it anyway.

    Setbacks aren't failures ... It just means you tried to do stuff in a way that didn't suit you. It just means you have to find a way that will work for you. Ask advice ... plan ... and on the odd occasion (maybe on every occasion) think outside the square. It may surprise you just how often "Radical Thinking" ... WORKS. Silly ideas often aren't really that silly (if they will work for you).

    Be the person you want to see in the mirror. But remember ... mirrors can lie. Sometimes you need to look inside yourself to see who you are. That is (sometimes) ... not a pretty sight. But be comfortable inside yourself ... and that seems to be how it is for you at the moment. If changes need to be made ... it's up to you to decide what (and when) needs to happen. Progress is good ... fast or slow ... it's STILL progress. Looking back lets you see how far you've come. Looking forward lets you see how far you still have to go. The latter CAN be disheartening. But just don't dwell on that distance ... just put your head down and keep going. YOU CAN DO IT.

    So DO it.


    By the way ... I'm turning 64 on March 24th. And I got married for the FIRST time last year. So ... I STILL have stuff to do too.
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  3. #3
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    3rd October 2006 - 21:21
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    Nice one Katie! Good luck to you!...
    Only a Rat can win a Rat Race!

  4. #4
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    That's one profound post Katie. Brave of you to share such a journey on a public forum. Sadly Kiwibiker isn't the same as it once was.

    Watched and helped my younger brother go thru a somewhat similar journey. He now jokes about being an accurate weather forecaster on account of his augmented skeleton.

    Warm wishes and safe riding
    If the words I say offend you, imagine the ones I keep to myself...

  5. #5
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    ...that was cool and succinct...chin up and move on to what you want from this short time we have here...very cool..

  6. #6
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    Good to hear. Enjoy what you can. Endure what you must. Avoid what will bring no good.

    Yeah KB is different. But so are we all.

    I've only met you briefly, but if I recognize you in travels I'll say hi.
    I've been told. Dreaming`s free.
    Think I'll go, back to sleep.
    Everybody listen, voices in my head
    Everybody listen, do yours say, what mine says?

  7. #7
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    I was really pleased to see your post. There was a recent discussion that briefly referenced riding with cell phones, it reminded me of you and I wondered how you were getting on. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time but pleased you now have your own place and feel things are looking up. Ten years though? That's amazing.

    Be well and best wishes for the future.
    There is a grey blur, and a green blur. I try to stay on the grey one. - Joey Dunlop

  8. #8
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    30th January 2004 - 11:00
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    Smile

    Amazing post Katie and great to hear from you. Sorry to hear life has not been kind to you these last ten years. Well done for persevering and remaining positive. I have only met you a few times briefly but was impressed with your beautiful smile from someone who had suffered so much and was still recovering from extensive injuries. Once I meet you at a Life Flight event at their hangar and you were the guest of honour.

    Yeah this forum is not the hive of fun it once was but still worth visiting. Don't feel you have to ride alone. Plenty of us just like to meet up with old acquaintances over a coffee in the Wairarapa and share a gentle cruise. It never has to be a race or who's the best blah blah. Ride your own ride has always been the motorcyclist Code. well some pirates say it's more a Guide than a Code.

    Take care and hope we do meet again some day.
    Mark
    Happiness is a means of travel, not a destination

  9. #9
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    24th September 2004 - 06:46
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    Golly 10 years. I'm glad you came through ok. Welcome back.

    I don't know the details of your crash was but it would certainly pay to have the bike thoroughly looked over, frame crack tested, wheel allinignment etc. There may well be damage that you can not see by the naked eye and cause handling issues or completely fail while you are riding it.

  10. #10
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    12th August 2013 - 20:01
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    Quote Originally Posted by FJRider View Post
    Well spoken girl. Now you have the rest of your life to achieve stuff. What stuff you might ask ?? Well probably stuff you never thought you would think you'd be doing at any stage of your life. Mid thirties ... your life isn't over. I'm almost mid sixty .... and I'm still open to ideas of what I might want to do in the near future. Confidence is overrated. The trick is to make it LOOK like you're confident you CAN do stuff. But give it your BEST shot at it anyway.
    How nice it is to see your name again. Thank you for reading and your reply.

    I certainly know my life isn't over... as I approach 37 next month I know that my life now if finally just truly beginning. It is exciting. I have so much to achieve, so much I want to learn. And as someone said to me recently just a few weeks after I managed to buy my house (3 years of fighting daily for that one and an ugly legal battle)... it looked like I was trying to catch up on the past 10 years within in next 2.

    I laughed and realised I need to slow down a little, like all good things in life it will take time. But what a wonderful new start I have, and I can now close the previous chapter with some very valuable knowledge and life skills that I am grateful for.

    FJ - congratulations on your wonderful news. That absolutely makes my heart smile. May you experience happiness that runs so deep in your heart that you sometime just sit and reflect on how much you just want to explode with the goodness.

    xx Pie

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Laava View Post
    Nice one Katie! Good luck to you!...
    Hey sunshine. Thanks for reading. It's really great to be back in KB. Hope you are keeping well and wonderful.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by caspernz View Post
    That's one profound post Katie. Brave of you to share such a journey on a public forum. Sadly Kiwibiker isn't the same as it once was.

    Watched and helped my younger brother go thru a somewhat similar journey. He now jokes about being an accurate weather forecaster on account of his augmented skeleton.

    Warm wishes and safe riding
    I did a lot of pondering if posting was a wise idea. I know showing vulnerability in the past has not served me well. But now I do it for myself, and no longer am worried about consequence. I've been through too much to be afraid of being the real version of me.

    I'm sorry to hear that your brother has had to learn the challenges of life in that way. Thank you for being there for him. May he live a full and happy life no matter what form or shape that now takes. Perhaps a few more layers over winter though

  13. #13
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    12th August 2013 - 20:01
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    Quote Originally Posted by F5 Dave View Post
    I've only met you briefly, but if I recognize you in travels I'll say hi.
    Thanks bud. I was hoping to have the bike back on the road for this summer, but it will now be next summer. And I'll be out there, rediscovering my biggest passion again once more. A friendly face is always welcomed to see along the way.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by pritch View Post
    There was a recent discussion that briefly referenced riding with cell phones, it reminded me of you
    Hello Mr Pritch...

    I would hope my mistakes have helped a few other rider learn to do things better - including that regarding cell phones. There are so many days I have reflected and wondered what would have happened if that last bit of battery had disappeared on me. Pretty gratful it hung in there huh?

    Yup - 10 years. Far out, never again lol!!

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by MD View Post
    Amazing post Katie and great to hear from you. Sorry to hear life has not been kind to you these last ten years. Well done for persevering and remaining positive. I have only met you a few times briefly but was impressed with your beautiful smile from someone who had suffered so much and was still recovering from extensive injuries. Once I meet you at a Life Flight event at their hangar and you were the guest of honour.
    If you were at the Lifeflight Gala dinner than I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a Lifeflight supporter.
    They have become my second family - and I look forward to being able to help them out more in the future - especially now as I get back on my feet.

    Injuries are the easy part. Chronic pain changes you, yes. But it's the life events that truly shape who you are and teach you what you are capable of. My story was pretty cruisy compared to so many. So I am thankful, and hope to help a few others out when they need it through theirs as I have tried to do over the years.

    Always smiling, no matter what was going on behind the scenes. That why the book I am writing will be called "Laughing and Smiling through adversity".

    Keep well MD - really nice to hear from you.

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