A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[SPman]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[SPman]

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

[SPman]

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

[DeanOh]

There are allegations that Victoria Beckham had an affair last weekend with
Michael Jackson.

Jackson has denied this as he says he was in Brooklyn at the time.

[DeanOh]

Get well soon, you cheating bastard

[Skunk]

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

He says to his buddy at lunch,

"Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder,
gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!"

"A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves
another performance."

"Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited
quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. I
gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We
immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

[Ms Piggy]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS. IT'S LIKELY SHE
CAN ALSO THINK.

[pete376403]

Helen Clark from New Zealand while visiting GW Bush at his ranch just before a state visit thought she could have a little fun with American by using her ventriloquist skills.

Hey George, good looking dog, mind if I speak with him?"
”Don't be stupid, Helen, the dog doesn't talk"
Turning to the dog Helen said "Hello dog, howzit going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
GW Bush is astonished.
Helen: "Is this guy your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Helen: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day when he’s here, feeds me great food and takes me to the range once a week to chase rabbits."
GW’s mouth falls open in utter disbelief.
Helen then asks GW if she can talk to his horse.
GW still trying to come to terms that his dog seems to be able to talk said "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I don't think."
Helen: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Now GW is absolutely dumbfounded.
Helen: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep"
Helen: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, has one of his hands brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
GW staggers back in amazement.
Helen then turns to GW and says: "Mind if I talk to that sheep over there?"
GW and blurts out: "Nope, ‘cause it a liar”

[Big Dog]

Whats the Difference between the Warriors and a Triangle?

A triangle has three points!

[Goddess of Goof]

"What do you call a midget psychic with criminal intentions ...?"













A small medium at large !

[moko]

Get well soon, you cheating bastard

Maradonna me old mate,the real hand of God is clutching your windpipe and he`s gonna squeeze real soon,adios Argy puta from all your fans in England

[Goddess of Goof]

Chemist Prescription

A woman walks into a chemist shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
He says "What do you want with arsenic?"

She says "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having
sex with another woman."

The pharmacist says "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, even if he is having sex with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

[Al]

A guy walks into a bar, puts his pet rabbit up on the mahogany, and
starts drinking. While he's drinking, the rabbit starts doing little
rabbit pellets on the bar.

After a while, he leaves, and another guy, a real loudmouth, walks in.
He says, "Hey, barkeep, give me a drink for me, a drink for you, what
do you say, there's nothing to do."

He has a few drinks, and the whole time he's running his mouth,
annoying the bartender. Finally, he spots the rabbit pellets. He says,
"Hey, barkeep, what are these?" The bartender says, "They're smart
pills." The loudmouth says, "Can I try a few?" The bartender says,
"Knock yourself out." The guy pops a few in his mouth, chews for a while,
then spits them out and exclaims, "Yuck! These taste like shit!" The
bartender says, "You're getting smarter already."

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as
he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"


A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes
to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick
him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five dollars, they
kick him out, too.
By this time, he's super-horny, so he goes to the next one and says,
"Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow job!"
The manager there takes pity on him, and says "Okay. For five dollars,
we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?" he asks.
The manager grins. "You'll find out!" he assures the eager man.
He takes the five dollars, and leads the horny man to a bedroom.

The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a
whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as
he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. The horny guy
waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, "HEY!
WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"


Down at the Bowery a wino told his drinking buddy, "I'll never forget the
first time I turned to drink as a substitute for women.
"Yeah ? What happened?" his friend inquired.
"I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle." the wino answered.

[pete376403]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A
cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone
deaf."
================================================== =====

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at
her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."There was an accident down at
the Guinness brewery...."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

==================================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after hisSunday morning service, and
she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
================================================== ==
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but
the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall. The drunk mumbles,

"ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either"....

[Milky]

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Just a few more i found in the depths of my harddrive:

Capitalism for Dummies!

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

dutch captialism : You have two cows wearing wooden shoes, you always find the way that will not offend either cow of you so you can all happily co-exist and smoke pot together...

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.

Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They do not have bio-chemical weapons. They are bio-chemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Jehovah's Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.

Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.