A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[Big Dog]

Thats' A.... T.... T.... I.... C.

[matthewt]

LITTLE BILLY GETTING OLDER

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one, a man sitting on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Billy, "he minded his own fu*king business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON . PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asked her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Billy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU....There are 3 women sitting on a bench having an ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of a triple scoop of ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone, and the third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which little Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on; but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON ... MATH

Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked , 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6." replied Billy.
"But that's right!" said his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me , 'How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fu*king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON . ENGLISH

Little Billy goes to school and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi syllable word?"
Little Billy says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow little Billy, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON ... GRAMMAR

On day during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asks for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" twice in the same sentence.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then she reluctantly called on little Billy.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fu*king beautiful!"

[Balrog]

A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: May I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.
Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A police sergeant slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Sergeant: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Sergeant: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Sergeant: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Sergeant: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is quite stunned.

Sergeant: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second officer.
The sergeant snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.

Sergeant: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

[Hitcher]

A little old couple prepares to go to bed.
They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven
Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old
man replied, "its fart Rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and
says, Try and conversion - 7points each". After about five minutes the old
man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone,
the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds go
by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to
10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a
woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is
totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he
craps in the bed. The wife says, What the hell was that?" The old man says,
"Half time, change sides."

[SPman]

Can you detect the mushy sentiment?

[SPman]

.........!

[Headshot]

A man arrives back home after a 3 month excersion deep in the amazon jungle, he greets his wife with a peck on the cheek and proceeds into the kitchen where he places his duffle-bag on the table. He then opens the bag and produces a large frog which he places in front of his wife.
"What on earth is that?" She exclaims
"It's a Giant Cocksucking Bullfrog" The man responds
"Well what do you want me to do with it?" The lady asks
"Teach it to cook then FUCK OFF!!!"

[danb]

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[danb]

When Coca-Cola was first introduced to China a short time ago, the company had some difficulty spelling the product's name in Chinese, while keeping the same pronunciation ("ko-ka ko-la") ... the first attempt translated to "bite the wax tadpole." Finally they arrived at something which translated to "may your mouth rejoice," and now Coke is selling quite a bit better.

[danb]

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some of the men actually join in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice, "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

"O.K." he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her. "Stop!" he said, "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, no," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

[danb]

Some More that I have doug up!!!





Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English:

ARTICLE I:
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II:
Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:

Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
ARTICLE III:
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV:
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV,1,a-c):
Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck: "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of India's870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps.

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.

ARTICLE V:
All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI:
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII:
Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.

Lane discipline (VII,1):
All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the center of the road.

ARTICLE VIII:
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX:
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.

Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centers. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X:
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI:
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

[danb]

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list.

[danb]

There was a bear and a rabbit.
Now Mr. Bear and Mr Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day,
whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog.
The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts."
They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes.
You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.
One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr.. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that
Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

[danb]

A young loiterer from Wuling was known as a notorious liar. One day he fell in with an old man in the marketplace.

"I've heard that you are a great liar," said the old man. "Just show me how good you are at lying. "

"Oh, I have no time for that right now," replied the young man. "I've just heard that they have drained the East Lake and everybody has gone there to catch soft-shelled turtles. I'm going there myself to catch some."

Believing him, the old man made a beeline for the East Lake. There, what greeted his eyes was the boundless expanse of the waters of the lake. Then he realized that he had been taken in.

[danb]

Bhola goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bhola to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Bhola goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Bhola finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bhola to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Bhola goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Bhola comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Bhola: "What! This is shit!"

Bhola calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"