A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

**Milky** · 5th June 2004, 21:52

not sure how much of this one i remember, but here goes...

A drover is sitting in a bar with his dog when another drover comes in. - Disclaimer: i have no idea what a drover is, so dont ask - The second one sits down next to him, and they begin to talk over their beers... As the conversation wears on, the first drover is waxing lyrical about how good his dog is, and states that his dog can even cook him some eggs!
The second guy is a bit skeptical about it at first, so drover one - lets call him Tim - offers to show him what his dog can do... They head outside and Tim bends down and whispers in his dogs ear the command.
The dog rushes off, jumps into tims truck, pulls out a pot and a stand, dashes off down to the stream and returns with a pot full of water. Next he disappears in the opposite direction to find a chicken coop, gently prises a hen off it's nest and rolls an egg out from underneath her, picks it up in his jowls and returns to the drovers, and places the egg gently into the pot of water. He then runs off, returning with a pile of small sticks and twigs for a fire.
He jumps back into the cab again, pulls out a box of matches, grabs some in his teeth, strikes them on the box and drops them into the pile of wood. Soon there is a nice little blaze going, and the dog grabs the stand, puts it over the fire, places the pot with egg and water gently on top, and sits back, his tail moving in a metronomic fashion. When 5 minutes have passed, he lifts the pot off the fire, drains the water, grabs the egg, drops it at his masters feet, and promptly stands on his head...
The second drover is mystified by this, and asks Tim:

'I see why he did all the other stuff, but why is he standing on his head?'

to which Tim replies;

'Well you see, he knows i dont have an eggcup....'

:spudwhat:

**danb** · 5th June 2004, 22:11

Originally Posted by merv

Yeah doesn't it hurt when you walk into things danb - you can get all bruised.

ROFL

**Ms Piggy** · 6th June 2004, 15:24

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him..

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

**Big Dog** · 6th June 2004, 15:47

What is the one time a human pants harder than a hooker at happy hour?

A Harley owner out for his sunday push!

**Ms Piggy** · 9th June 2004, 15:59

This is funny . . . but do it before Google fixes it.
1) Go to Google.com. (www.google.com)
2) Type in "weapons of mass destruction" including the quotation
marks - but don't hit the enter button.
3) Instead, hit the "I'm feeling lucky"
button next to the normal Google "Search" button.
4) An "ERROR MESSAGE" appears. READ THE ERROR MESSAGE CAREFULLY.
Read the WHOLE error message.

Someone at Google has a politicial sense of humor

**wkid_one** · 9th June 2004, 17:10

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point
at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the
tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've
found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give
me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do
that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus
come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, nobhead?

**wkid_one** · 9th June 2004, 17:12

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure ot how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of al! No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,"let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

**Ghost Lemur** · 9th June 2004, 17:31

Originally Posted by Celtic_Sea_lily

Someone at Google has a politicial sense of humor

It's not Google. It's a Hack. What happened was the "site" yous saw when you hit was linked to so heavily on the web the it got the top ranking in Google's PageRank When you click "I'm feeling lucky all it does is take you to the first "hit" on the list.

If you type the same thing and search as usual you will see that site is ranked at the top of the list.

The same thing was done with "Litigous Bastards" being linked to SCO's website. That one was started on /. and spread quickly.

**Ghost Lemur** · 9th June 2004, 17:38

Classic Billy Connelly in that first post Wkid1 (iirc).

**Big Dog** · 9th June 2004, 17:55

Dude Comes home to find that the police are busy arresting a thief in his living roomwhile his wife is still asleep upstairs.
So he follows the arresting officers down to the station and demands to speak to the theif.
The officer on the desk politely refuses.

Again he insists this time obviously very agitated.

"You will have the opportunity to address the accused when you see him in court" came the rather bland reply.

Several minutes of heated discussion later the dude says look I just wanna ask him how on earth you get in to my house at three am with out waking up my wife? :spudwhat:

**wkid_one** · 9th June 2004, 21:12

Originally Posted by Ghost Lemur

Classic Billy Connelly in that first post Wkid1 (iirc).

Doesn't he rock!

**Big Dog** · 11th June 2004, 17:59

Three men are standing around complaining about how bad their weekends were, them being mere spectators or their own demise once the alcohol took over.

1 says "Mate I drove my own car through my living room killed the dog and wrote off the 64inch plasma wide."
2 says "Mate thats nothing i rolled the car four times, got arrested for DUI, the boss is gonna give me the sack for sure, and the Mrs left me."
3 says "Mate, what are you moaning about I got a taxi home early suday mornin and blew chunks for 3 hours."
1&2 chorus "what that's nuthin!"

3 mumbles "it is when Chunks is your dogs name!"