A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

**wkid_one** · 13th June 2004, 10:24

http://starterupsteve.servepics.com/swf/frenchkiss.html

**wkid_one** · 13th June 2004, 10:27

Why women have two hands and why men have two hands

**Ms Piggy** · 13th June 2004, 10:29

Originally Posted by Ghost Lemur

It's not Google. It's a Hack. What happened was the "site" yous saw when you hit was linked to so heavily on the web the it got the top ranking in Google's PageRank When you click "I'm feeling lucky all it does is take you to the first "hit" on the list.

If you type the same thing and search as usual you will see that site is ranked at the top of the list.

The same thing was done with "Litigous Bastards" being linked to SCO's website. That one was started on /. and spread quickly.

Ahhhh I see. Well thanks for that. Still quite funny

**Motoracer** · 15th June 2004, 12:06

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

**Big Dog** · 15th June 2004, 17:04

Originally Posted by Motoracer

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

11. Could you move your ball, I beleive it is my stroke.
12. The object is to get you balls in the hole with as few strokes as possible.
13. Rest your ball on the tee and I'll drive first.
14. Before swinging make sure you are aiming at the right whole.
15. Do you swing to the left or right?
16. Hows your swinging going since you changed clubs?
17. You want to hit the ball on every stroke, as it counts towards your shot either way.
18. When playing in winter, warming your balls before play may reduce slicing in your stroke.
19. The pits can be kind of rough but the hole is usually neatly trimmed.
20. When judging the correct distance from the ball for your stroke, place the head behind the ball and stand so your shaft reaches your knee.

**Motoracer** · 15th June 2004, 17:07

Originally Posted by Big Dog

11. Could you move your ball, I beleive it is my stroke.
12. The object is to get you balls in the hole with as few strokes as possible.
13. Rest your ball on the tee and I'll drive first.
14. Before swinging make sure you are aiming at the right whole.
15. Do you swing to the left or right?
16. Hows your swinging going since you changed clubs?
17. You want to hit the ball on every stroke, as it counts towards your shot either way.
18. When playing in winter, warming your balls before play may reduce slicing in your stroke.
19. The pits can be kind of rough but the hole is usually neatly trimmed.
20. When judging the correct distance from the ball for your stroke, place the head behind the ball and stand so your shaft reaches your knee.

lol, well done. I didn't know that golf was such a "dirty" game.

**Big Dog** · 15th June 2004, 18:06

Originally Posted by Motoracer

lol, well done. I didn't know that golf was such a "dirty" game.

What other sport expects you to get at least two balls dirty, drive said balls to 9-36 holes in one afternoon, polish your shaft in between strokes, polish the head on your driver after munching the carpet let alone play close attention to your partners as they try to do the same?

Ps used to coach at a beginner level. Don't play anymore, got better things to spend my money on than a good walk ruined by little white balls and my inability to get them in the hole on the first stroke....

**Big Dog** · 15th June 2004, 18:19

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

**Hitcher** · 16th June 2004, 20:27

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in crook of left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to ensure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to partner’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring the Fire Brigade to retrieve the fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour one litre of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill fragments from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet store to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

**Big Dog** · 17th June 2004, 18:39

I have read something similar before Hitcher, but it ended with reread the bottle and discover it was a suppository anyway.

Cease attempts and let the bastard die.

**What?** · 17th June 2004, 19:22

Geez, Hitcher, you make giving a cat a pill sound so easy...

**Kickaha** · 20th June 2004, 00:31

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into
>a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and
>notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each
>other.
>
>At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his
>place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
>He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and
>because she is short of funds she agrees.
>
>The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her
>plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him
>again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to
>agree.
>
>This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters
>and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention
>then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes
>over and sits next to him.
>
>She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".
>"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
>"Glen Iris" he replies
>"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
>"Cameo Street" he replies
>"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
>He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
>"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still
>live there!"
>"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

**riffer** · 21st June 2004, 13:48

Found on the internet while bored:

"This is a true account of personal trial, which happened while I was working Tech Support for a company which sold Stock Analysis software. The company would sell data to its customers who would download said data from the company's database on a daily basis. Their listing of data was, therefore, kept on their hard drive, along with the data itself.

Me: "Thank you for calling, how can I help you?"
Him: "Yeah, I want my data back. You need my phone number?"
Me: "Back? What's happened to your data?"
Him: "It's gone. I need it back. Let's get this going, hmmm?"
Me: "Ummm...sir, what happened to it?"
Him: "Don't you worry about that. Just give me my freaking data."
Me: "Well, we have several options for data replacement. If you can send us a listing of the stocks you had--"
Him: "Send you a list? I don't have time for this !@*#$!&. Give me my data."
Me: "Uh, unfortunately, it's not that easy. We can--"
Him: "Look, buddy, don't jerk me around. Just press your little whachamajiggers there, zip me down my data, and we're good, ok?"
Me: "Well, sir, these are your options. You can--"
Him: "*$#& you, you stupid &#&$! Stick those options up your @#$*! Why won't you give me my data!?!?"

For the next half hour, I try to explain amidst all the interruptions that he is going to have to pay for the replacement data, either by downloading it again or by getting it on disk from us, and that it would be Monday at the earliest (this was Friday, one hour before closing) before he got it back regardless of which method he chose. This, of course, was unacceptable and resulted in me being subjected to more tirades of ridiculous cursing and genetic analysis. Finally, just to change the subject (he refused to hang up, which I was hoping for), I inquired further into the whereabouts of his missing data.

Me: "Sir, what exactly was it that happened to your data?"
Him: "You have it there! What the hell is in your head?"
Me: "What happened to the data you used to have?"
Him: "Well, this is a new computer, and I need it here, if you morons can handle that."
Me: "Oh! Well, we can transfer it from the old machine. Is it--"
Him: "Nope, nope, can't do that. It's dead."
Me: "Dead?"
Him: "That's right, dead. Your software killed it, so I threw it away."
Me: "You...threw it away? What was wrong with it?"
Him: "What are you, deaf?!? It wouldn't work any more, the monitor, laser printer, nothing, so I threw it all away."
Me: "You threw away the printer?!?"
Him: "Yeah, damn thing cost me $8000 to replace it all, and I'm gonna sue you guys!"
Me: "Well, um, what was wrong with it? Did it get hit by lightning or something?"
Him: "I told you, your software killed it! You got @#!+ in your ears? I put your $#^&*# disk in, and the whole computer just died."
Me: "Died."
Him: "That's right, pooboy!! It wouldn't load anymore, not even windows, just a blank screen with some gobbledygook babble on it."
Me: "What babble was this? An error message?"
Him: "You're damn right, an error message, caused by your software!!! I hope you can clean toilets, buddy!"
Me: "Do you have the error message written down somewhere?"
Him: "Well, Mr. Smartypants, as a matter of fact I do! And I'm gonna use it in court to see you in rags!"
Me: "What's it say?"
Him: (rustle, rustle, curse, curse, mutter) "Ah hah! Here it is! It says, 'Non System Disk or Disk Error!' You'll pay for this!"

At this point, I, and the other techs who were listening in by now, shared a great laugh, which I didn't bother to mute.

Me: "Sir, you will be happy to know that you threw away a perfectly good $8000 set of machinery because you were stupid enough to leave a disk in the drive."
Him: (long silence) "...well, I'm still gonna sue you guys..."
Me: "I want front row seats in the courtroom. Have a nice evening." (click)

Epilogue: When he called back on Monday, the manager terminated his account for abusive behavior for that record two minutes, thirty-eight second call."

**scumdog** · 21st June 2004, 14:08

Good one celticno6!!! pissed myself !!!

Heard one where office superior of some rank said:

"I've only one sheet of plain white paper left, I need10 more staight away and theres none in th office".

Told "What about the photocopier then"

Says; "Good idea, that's quick thinking."

Superior goes to photocopier, puts last bit of paper on top and enters '10 copies' and presses the 'copy' button!!!!!!

Allegedly true