A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[Ms Piggy]

In New York today, two dyslexic bank robbers ran into a bank shouting, "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!"

[Ms Piggy]

Funny little story about a randy little guinea pig.

[Milky]

Just heard a terrible one...

Johnny was going to show and tell at school. He brought along a matchbox with a special spider in it. When it was his turn he went to the center of the class, pulled out the matchbox and let the spider out.
'spider, go round the room'
he directed. So the spider went across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall and back to the centre of the room where it stopped. his teacher exclaimed
'that's amazing johnny... I didnt think spiders could do that!'
johnny replies
'true, but look at this.'
he pulls one leg off the spider and says again
'spider, go round the room'
So the spider went across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall and back to the centre of the room where it stopped. now johnny pulls another leg off, and again
'spider, go round the room'
So the spider went across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall and back to the centre of the room where it stopped. this continues until the spider only has one leg left. again he commands
'spider, go round the room'
so the spider hops along the floor, up the wall, inches along the ceiling, down the other wall, then hops back to the centre of the class. johnny pulls of the last remaining leg. again he commands
'spider, go round the room'
this time, nothing happens... the spider just sits there
'spider, go round the room'
still no response....
johnny turns to the class and says
'that proves it. You pull all the legs off a spider and it goes deaf....'

[Wonko]

How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her.


(say it out loud)

[Kickaha]

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's a loose woman I have been with."
"The priest asks, "Is that you, Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, ''tis."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure. and I can't be tellin' you,
Father, I won't be after ruining her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, I'll not be naming her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, ''tis sure I'll not be tellin'."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I'm admiring that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers
"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[Kickaha]

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the lower posterior section, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

* WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED *

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last known time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.

[Big Dog]

The biggest laugh comes from adding your sig line on as part of the joke.

[pete376403]

An old codger goes into a pharmacy, complaining bitterly that the erection cream he bought there doesn't work.

Pharmacist advises him to read the fine print on the label, where it states "To work correctly, this cream must be applied by a teenage girl"

[menace]

Just thought id revive the thread always good to have a dodgy old laff

[greenhorn]

A mother had to give her two identical twins up for adoption.
One went to Spain where his adoptive parents promptly named him Juan. The other went to a family in Egypt where they named him Amal.
When they turned 12 years old they got in touch with their birth mother Rosie via the post. Juan sent her a photo of himself. Upon opening it and seeing the photo Rosie burst into tears and said to her husband "Oh Bob, look here, i finally can lay my eyes on Juan, if only my other son Amal had also sent a photo"
Her husband replied "Awww Rosie, for goodness sake, they are identical twins... if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal"

[greenhorn]

Actually puns have allways been a bit of a hobby of mine. I know I know, what a dork i hear you say, but just last week i entered a prestigous pun competition.
To improve my chances of winning i entered in ten puns. But of course i didnt win, in fact no pun in ten did...

[menace]

[Ms Piggy]

Hah hah hah! That's great! Although I do think some scooters are very funky.

[LB]

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CSL: this is a great thread. Hope noone takes offence at this.......I just had it sent to me and I think it's so funny!!
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NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. Sign up early and get a discount on registration. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

THE AFTER DINNER DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
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DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
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IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
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LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
On-line class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
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REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
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GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
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[Ms Piggy]

Ahhhhh yes - I know a few lads that could do with this I think there is an equivalent one for women that someone had posted somewhere.