A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[bluninja]

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have s£x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for s£x. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22, my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

[Aitch]

Quasimodo due to his unfortunate deformities had a really bad riding accident and lost both arms. But with the help of acc he was rehabilitated to ring the church bells by taking a running leap at them and hitting them with his forehead.

Well a couple of years later he takes a holiday and so his brother comes to ring the bells in his abscence. Osh by this time has been involved and deemed the ropes too unsafe to have in the work place, so Quasimodo has to teach his brother to ring the bells with his forehead.

Well while quasimodo was on holiday his brother was ringing the bells and having a grand old time leaping about and headbutting the bells but as was sure to happen eventually he missed the one of the bells and fell to his death.

One of the police men asked the preist "Who was he?"

"I don't know I never met him all I know is that his face rings a bell."

Isn't it "I've not sure, but he's a dead ringer for Quasimodo......?

[heavenly.talker]

[QUOTE=bluninja]2 Nuns in a bath....

one says

"Where's the soap?"

the other replies

"Yes it does doesn't it!"

Can anyone explain that to me as I don't get it

[MSTRS:Me]

Say it out loud. Remember written has options, spoken sounds same

[Sniper]

This is too good a thread for it to waste away. Yes, I know, I have become my worst enemy, a thread dredger.

[sunhuntin]

Follow the steps, when you get your answer, highlight the whole post, and then type in yours at the bottom....


Step 1: find your birthday...

January: I partied with
February: I had babies with
March: I felt up
April: I messed around with
May: I peed on
June: I robbed
July: I ate
August: I shot
September: I beat up
October: I dressed up as
November: I got married to
December: I had drunken sex with

Step 2: Find the day of your birthday ...

1: some random girl
2: Michael Jackson
3: some random guy
4: a book
5: Frankenstein
6: Martha Stewart
7: a bottle of Hennesse
8: a flamingo
9: a bag of chips
10: a chair
11: **** Cheney
12: my English teacher
13: a Teletubby
14: myself
15: a pole
16: a penguin
17: a ninja
18: an apple
19: a box
20: my finger
21: George ****
22: a cell phone
23: Ron Jeremy
24: a statue
25: a gnome
26: a hippo
27: my shoes
28: a prostitute
29: a porn star
30: my best friend
31: a cat

Step 3: Find the FIRST letter of your FIRST name...

A: for the money
B: for the hell of it
C: and it sucked
D: to be cool
E: to be naked
F: to eat cheese
G: but my mom told me to
H: for my girlfriend
I: for my boyfriend
J: to be sexy
K: and I had twins
L: at school
M: because i was high.
N: and I got sick
O: and I threw up
P: and something shrank
Q: in the pool
R: and then I streaked
S: and it was boring
T: because I was drunk
U: for a shopping spree
V: and I liked it
W: in the dark
X: and I had a sex change
Y: under the sheets
Z: in a laundry mat

i messed around with michael jackson and it sucked, lmfao

[Sniper]

I dressed up as a ninja and it sucked.

[Colapop]

I beat up Martha Stewart and it sucked - although I woulda thought I'd enjoy it.

Yep I'm on here coz I don't have a bike and I'll keep saying it til someone swaps me one for that Datsu!

[mini_hooks_]

hehe now this i just cant resist,

what is red and white and sits in the corner getin smaller and smaller
a baby with a blender....

whats red and goes round 1000 time a minute?
a baby in a blender....

what do you do with 365 used condoms?
melt it down to a tyre and call it a goodyear

thats all for now folks

[mini_hooks_]

i felt up an apple but my mom told me too lmao

[flash]

"I ate my finger because I was drunk"

great thing that, sadly its true though, i have eaten my finger and ill tell you now.....it dosnt atract the ladies

[Sniper]

Guys, keep the thread on topic please

[Swoop]

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble
deciding where to go. They were tired of the local food in Transylvania
and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they
decided to go to ITALY because they had heard that ITALIAN food was really good.
So off they went to ITALY and ended up in VENICE.
On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for
dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.
As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have
seconds.
Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same
fate as the first -- sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while
a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these
people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home.
As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were
puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.
As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They
looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the
bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang



Do you know what he sang?



No guess?



You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?



Are you ready?



Here it comes......
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".....Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

[mini_hooks_]

Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk.

1. innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation.
4. Cinnamon.

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk.

1. Specificity
2. Antidisestablishmentarianism
3. Loquacious
4. Transubstantiate

Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you are drunk.

1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
4. No kebab for me, thank you
5. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
6. I'm not interested in fighting you
7. Thank you, but I won't make an attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination
8. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street
9. You're right; I can't jump over that table
10. Oh, I just couldn't- no one wants to hear me sing.

[mini_hooks_]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END !!!!