A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[Wenier]

A1: Thats not the point why was she out of the kitchen.

A2: Ones harmful to children the other isnt.

[figjam]

I bought a new audio system for my car. It's the most advanced one I could find; voice activated, which makes it hands free.

If you say "Rock," it plays rock and roll.

If you say "Soul," it plays Soul music.

If you say "Rhythm," it plays rhythm and blues.

I nearly ran over some kids today who jumped out in front of me. "F**kin kids!" I yelled at them.

It started playing Michael Jackson.

[SPman]

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert san

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

[figjam]

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

[PeteThePom]

How do you get four elephants into a mini?
Two in the front and two in the back

What's yellow and black and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.

How do you get a lion in a mini........

















take the elephants out first!

[PeteThePom]

A man walked into a quiet bar.He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon thebar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with thebartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learnednot to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the rest room. He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation. "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey," replied the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!" said the duck in reply. So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had.

[PeteThePom]

Henry, an elderly man, was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor. "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British

[PeteThePom]

--- Here's a dilemma for you....

With all your honor and dignity what would you do? The test only has

one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By

giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand

morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation,

where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important

for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...



There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and

severe floods.


There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer

and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation

is nearly hopeless.


You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.


There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the

water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping

everything away with it.


Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life,

trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.




You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.




Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!




At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take

him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can

take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W.

Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo

displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.





And here's the question (please give an honest answer)















Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of



classic black and white?

[SPman]

An American, a Mexican, and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same one twice" The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Iraqis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[SPman]

A guy is driving down a country road when he comes upon
a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that
is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these
apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They
are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands
him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes
a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's
great, but I thought you said that they were peanut
butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man
bites the other side and exclaims "Son of a gun - jelly!"
The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
He gets back in his car and drives a little further
down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10
each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and
says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here,
try one." The guy takes a bite and exclaims, "Son of
a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I
have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it."
The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again
the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road.
He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."
The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples.
Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says,
"What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples.
Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This
apple tastes like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

[figjam]

A young man on a blind date takes a girl to an amusement park. They go for a ride on the Ferris wheel, but the girl seems kind of bored.

"What would you like to do next?" the young man asks.

"I wanna get weighed," she answers. So the young man takes her over to the guy who guesses weight. "One-twelve," says the man, and the scale confirms it.

Next they ride the roller coaster. After that the young man buys the girl some popcorn and cotton candy and asks what else she would like to do.

"I wanna get weighed," she answers. I really struck out tonight, thinks the young man, and, claiming he has a headache, he takes the girl home.

The girl's mother is surprised to see her home so early and asks, "What's wrong, dear? How was your date?

"The girl answers, "Wousy,"

[Ms Piggy]

--- Here's a dilemma for you....

With all your honor and dignity what would you do? The test only has

one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By

giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand

morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation,

where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important

for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...



There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and

severe floods.


There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer

and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation

is nearly hopeless.


You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.


There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the

water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping

everything away with it.


Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life,

trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.




You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.




Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!




At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take

him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can

take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W.

Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo

displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.





And here's the question (please give an honest answer)















Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of



classic black and white?

HA HA HA!! Love it!! But seriously now, I think color would have more impact...don't you?

[riffer]

--- Here's a dilemma for you....Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

No brainer there Pete...

definitely the black and white. I'd pull out my OM2N with my 200/3.5 prime, and capture that sucker going down in perfect sharp detail...

Of course then you'd have to wait a while for the pics to be developed - bike parts are taking priority at present

[Slingshot]

A CNN photographer would be using digital in this day and age, shoot the photos, minutes later they're heading along the satellite uplink, the editor gets them within 5 minutes, he copies the file...with one he de-saturates, and the other he leaves in full colour, runs a print off each and decides that B&W is the way to go.
The image is published!
Within hours of the image being released, it's all over the internet, George Bush's head has now been replaced by that of Michael Jackson's and you can just make out the image of the little boy arse that Michael is trying to grab.
The End

[Al]

Anal Deodorant
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."