A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[Big Dog]

A young couple get married but as a part of their premarital advice they are informed that if you don't have sex in the first month of marriage it will last longer (the marriage).

So 7 days after the wedding the preist stops by to check on things.
The new bride is home. She blushes and confesses to nearly perpetual carnal thoughts but says they have managed to hold on.

So 14 days after the wedding the preist stops by to check on things.
The new husband is home. He blushes and confesses to nearly perpetual carnal thoughts but says they have managed to hold on despite a few close calls.

So 21 days after the wedding the preist stops by to check on things.
The new husband and the wife are home. They blush and confess to nearly perpetual carnal thoughts but say they have managed to hold on despite a few close calls, and have had to resort to sleeping in different rooms.

So after 28 days the preist stops by again but no-one was home at the appointed time. Thinking this curious the priest seizes the opportunity to nip in to the local. When he gets there he finds the new husband much the worse for wear and obviously celebrating.

The priest asked him "how are your last few days of celibacy going?"

The new Husband replied "Well it went well for the first three weeks as you know but this evening Helen was getting some peas out of the freezer for dinner and they fell on the floor well she bent to pick them up. I walked up behind her grabbed her hips and...."
The priest glowing red with rage interupted "I see were you are going with this you foul sinner you shall be excommunicated and never allowed back into the church ever again"

To which the new husband calmly replied "thats cool we are not welcome back at Woolworths either".

[LB]

I just remembered another one. (CSL: thanks for starting this great thread!!)

Why do dog turds taper off at the ends?

So their assholes don't snap shut.

[pete376403]

(This is old...) Farmer goes behind the barn and sees Billy-Bob jerking off. Thinking its time to put an end to this foolishness, he arranges for Billy-Bob to get married to the neighbours daughter, Peggy-Sue
Some time after the wedding, he goes around the back of the barn and there's Billy-Bob, furiously whacking away.
"Tarn it Billy-Bob, youre married, doesn't Peggy-Sue take care of things for you now"? and Billy-Bob say "well Jeez, Pa, her little arm gets so tired..."

[LB]

A MAN AND HIS SHEEP

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several
weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls
a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy
doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet explains that they will stop standing around and,
instead, will lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man gives it some thought and eventually comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate the
sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the
woods, and has sex with all of them. When he is done his deed, he
returns home with the sheep.

The next morning, he awakens to find that the sheep are still standing
around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and so he loads
them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, and then returns home with the sheep.

The next morning, he awakens to find that the sheep are still standing
around. One more try, he tells himself, and he proceeds to load them up
and drive them out to the woods again. He spends all day shagging the
sheep and, later that evening, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
the sheep. He asks his wife to see if the sheep are lying in the
grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking
the horn."

[Big Dog]

How do you make a leper soup?

Run him a bath.

How do lepers save on sex?

Rather than buy ky they just pick the scabs.

[james]

hi all this joke has been shortened

a major in the army has the trouble of picking to soldiers to let go because of cut backs but he decides hes going to compensate these men with a good pay out
he gets the soldiers to line up and says to them
ok guys you both have been good soldiers but i have to let you go,but ive come up with a good way of paying you,ive decided where going to measure from your balls to the end of your dick and what ever the measurement is we will pay you this amount so drop your pant men
the major gets his tape measure and measures the first man,ok nine inches thats nine thousand for you,the major moves to the second man and looks down,where the fucks your balls soldier,the soldier looks up at the major and replies korea.

[Wenier]

--- Here's a dilemma for you....
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of

classic black and white?

well pete i would have to say Black and White cus the pictures definitly have more impact when its this situation.

But if i were an actual photographer i would have a colour camera as well as black and white so i could chose the better photo when developed wicked question

[Wenier]

a guy and girl are lying in bed jus after having sex. The girl is stroking the guys penis, he says "do u want more?", she says "No im jus admiring it i use to have one jus like it!"

Three tampons are walking down the street, Carefree, Tampax, and Fluer. Which one stops to talk to ya? (ill answer it later)

[james]

An eskimo pushes his brokendown snowmobile into the dealer's workshop.
The mechanic lifts the seat, looks at the engine, looks at the eskimo and says
"It looks like you've blown a seal"
To which the eskimo responds
"No, it's just the frost on my beard!"

priceless mate that had me rolling on the floor

[SPman]

Apples

A guy is driving down a country road when he comes upon
a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that
is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these
apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They
are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands
him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes
a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's
great, but I thought you said that they were peanut
butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man
bites the other side and exclaims "Son of a gun - jelly!"
The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
He gets back in his car and drives a little further
down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10
each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and
says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here,
try one." The guy takes a bite and exclaims, "Son of
a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I
have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it."
The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again
the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road.
He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."
The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples.
Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says,
"What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples.
Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This
apple tastes like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

[Motoracer]

Lol, that was funny the first time round SP. You posted that joke on this thread back on the 16th of Feb.

[Wenier]

Three tampons are walking down the street, Carefree, Tampax, and Fluer. Which one stops to talk to ya? (ill answer it later)

And ye answer be Non of em cus they are all stuck up cunts

Have a good day all

[White trash]

And ye answer be Non of em cus they are all stuck up cunts

Have a good day all

You grubby little prick!



That's the last time I with you!

[SPman]

Lol, that was funny the first time round SP. You posted that joke on this thread back on the 16th of Feb.

Bugger! - must be Alzheimers :confused2

[CantRemember]

took his girlfriend out into the fog and mist?

(I have had at least two days of unconrtollable tears running down my face reading this magnificent thread)

Cheers,
Jamie