A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[Goddess of Goof]

:spudwave:

I have had at least two days of unconrtollable tears running down my face reading this magnificent thread) Cheers, Jamie[/b]

Jamie is right, Gals and Guys ! WE GOTTA KEEP IT UP ! This thread is too good to languish for want of contributions. Humour, so hard to come by....

Three Tortoises

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.
Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is
that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they arrive Mick unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it"
Mick gets worried, he turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses - as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace......

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock nearby and shouts......

"I KNEW IT! ......I'M NOT GOING!"

[Al]

Here are a few more, these are quite "tasteless" (pardon the pun!!!) :

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."


The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

[Ms Piggy]

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband "Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[Al]

THE ROMP
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to have sex, but the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said. The man replied, "That¹s good, because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

WHITE MAN
The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "What do you think of all the white man has done?" The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief paused, then added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

HOME EARLY
One day, a construction worker left his job a little early. When he got home, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his penis in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

BROTHEL SIGN
Q: What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?
A: Beat it, we're closed.

THE AFFAIR
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One day, she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed. Sure enough, at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. He began to make love to her, and with each passing moment, the woman grew more furious at her husband. Finally, unable to restrain herself any longer, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and fumed, "Surprised?" "I sure am!" stammered the chauffeur.

DRUGSTORE
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

TWO VULTURES
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

ABUSIVE PATIENT
A man was admitted into the hospital and quickly showed himself to be a jerk by verbally abusing the nursing staff. One morning, the head nurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back." She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

BREAKFAST
An older couple sits down to breakfast on their fiftieth anniversary‹stark naked. The wife says, "Oh, Harold, this is just like 50 years ago. My breasts feel all warm and tingly." He says, "They ought to, Gladys. One's hanging in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."

TROOP TRIP
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late‹several of her girls had seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing. "Well, if you must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration," the troop leader insisted. "Wow, " exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"

DEFINITION
Definition of an orgasm: the gland finale.

MALE APPEAL
A study in London showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.

THE OLD BOAT
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old, dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of tourists who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could from the sunken vessel. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore, he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

THAT'S WHY
Q: Why does a dog lick its penis?
A: Because it can't make a fist.

THE BIRTHDAY SURPRISE
A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the husband. "Did she like it?" his buddy asked. "Oh, yes. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!'"

THAT'S HOW II
Q: How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A: It isn't hard.

MOMMY
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mommy, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

[Big Dog]

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like a choir boy!

[Goddess of Goof]

How God Created the Earth .......

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Arch-Angel found him on the seventh day, resting.
He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds...
"Look Michael, look what I've made"
The Arch-Angel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of Balance."
"Balance?" enquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth - while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God explained, pointing to all the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice".
The Arch Angel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass surrounded by ocean and said "What's that one?"
"Aaah", God beamed, "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, pristine beaches, braided rivers, fast-running streams, towering Alps and green hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world all over. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of Peace."
Michail gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed "What about the Balance, God?" "You said there will be BALANCE !"
God replied wisely, "Oh Yes!' "Wait until you see the losers I'm putting next to them..."
"I call them Australians !!!!"


(not bad, for a Boss.)

[Al]

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."


Life Explained
On the first day G-d created the cow. G-d said, "You must go to the field all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life if you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 years and I'll give back the other 40." And G-d agreed.

On the second day, G-d created the dog. G-d said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years, and I'll give back the other 10." So G-d agreed (sigh).

On the third day G-d created the monkey. G-d said, entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And G-d agreed again.

On the fourth day G-d created man. G-d said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you 20 years."

Man said, "What? Only 20 years? No way. Tell you what, I'll take my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the dog gave back and the 10 the monkey gave back. That makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said G-d. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy and do nothing; for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grand-children and for the last 10 years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

[Kickaha]

Bobby was in a car crash when he was 4 years old.

As a result of his injury he was blind. All of the doctors Tests and operations could not restore Bobbys' sight.

One evening when he was heading up to bed his mother said to Him.

"Bobby do you know what night this is?"

"No mommy what night is it?" Said Bobby as he felt along the wall to his bed room.

"This is wish night, and if a child wishes real hard on this night it will come true"

"Really???!!!!" said Bobby. "Could I see again???!!!!"

"Yes." Said his mother as she tucked him into the bed.

"But only if you wish very hard".

Little Bobby sat in his bed wishing. He wished as hard as he could. He held his breath so he could put the energy for breathing in to wishing.

His little body rocked back and forth his finger nails cut into the palms of his hands as he gripped them into fists. Just before 4 am the Little boy fell asleep exhausted. When his mother woke him up the next day Bobby said.



"Mommy... Mommy... I still can't see!"





"I know", said his mother, "April fool."

[Al]

Talking Clock
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”


Biggest PeePee
Biggest Pee Pee:
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's got the Biggest Pee Pee'".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."


So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."


A young boy of 5 was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside her house for a while when he came into the house. "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other? She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It is called sexual intercourse darling." The little guy just said "Ok" and went out to play again. In a few minutes he came back inside again and said angrily to his grandmother: "Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunks"

[Kickaha]

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

"A magic potion" she replies.

"Well what is it for?" he asks.

"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"

"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."

"And how about your sex life?"

"Oh, not bad."

"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"

"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."

"And you call that not bad?"

"Not for a priest with a small parish."

[Hitcher]

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.


On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

[Kickaha]

Two Rugby teams, one from Auckland and the other from Christchurch, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend Rugby match in Brisbane.

The Christchurch team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Auckland team rode on the top level. The Christchurch team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized he hasn't heard anything from the Aucklanders upstairs.

He decided to go up and investigate. When the Christchurch bloke reached the top, he found all the Aucklanders frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Christchurch bloke asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Aucklanders looks up at him, swallows hard and whispered,





"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER."

[Hitcher]

This bar in the US midwest was a favourite weekend biker haunt.

This particular Sunday the place was packed with middle-aged, balding, bespectacled, leather-clad bikers. The carpark was filled with their Harleys.

One of the bikers stands up to leave. He's huge -- about 7' tall and built like a pro wrestler. He picks up his helmet and leaves.

A couple of minutes later the bar doors crash open. The big biker storms in to a deathly silence.

"Who's stolen my Harley?" he demands, in a deep booming Texas drawl.

Silence.

"I'm going to buy a beer," the big Texan said. "I'm going to drink it slowly and, if my Harley's not back when I'm finished, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS!!"

There's a sudden rush for the door by the assembled bikers. A couple of minutes later the only people remaining in the bar are the bar-keeper and the big Texan, who's slowly sipping his beer.

A few minutes later he drains his glass, stands up, picks up his helmet and adjourns to the carpark.

Fascinated, the bar-keeper follows him outside.

There, parked in the middle of the carpark is the big Texan's bike. He walks up to it and mounts.

The bar-keeper walks up to him and says

"That was pretty impressive. What was it exactly that you did in Texas?"

"I walked home..."

[riffer]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

he farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."





Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[merv]

Here's a few pics to start Easter with - some of you may have seen these before but here goes.