A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[bluninja]

What's green and smells of pork? Kermit's middle finger.
What's green and turns red at the touch of a button? Kermit in a liquidiser.

[Ms Piggy]

Whats red & sits in a corner getting smaller & smaller?

A baby combing it's head with a potatoe peeler.

[figjam]

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says,
"Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head
in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
dollar bill on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began.
"Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money... Three, I
like how money feels in my hand... And lastly, instead of
you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!"

[PeteThePom]

Wife and hubby lying in bed one night, the wife turns round to her man and looks at him sugestively, he says 'Not tonight honey, I'm knackered'

The wife looks at him, sighs, rolls over and goes to sleep.

The next night same thing happens and for another 2 nights.

Finally the wife snaps and asks him whats wrong?
The hubby replies 'Babe, it's just real tough at work at the moment and all I wanna do is sleep'
'You dont love me anymore' she cries
'Of course I do honey, I'm just dead beat'
The wife lies in bed thinking for a moment
'It's my tits isnt it? They're not big enough, you always said you liked big tits'
'Honey, it's not your tits, just go to sleep OK'
'I know, I'll get a tit job' she suggests
'Sweetheart we don't have the money for a tit job' replies hubby(who's getting really pissed off by now)
'well there must be something I can do to make my tits bigger, what do you think' she asks
The husband turns to his wife and suggests 'Well why dont you get some tissue paper and rub it up and down between your breasts?'
'What? How the hell is that going to make my tits bigger?' she asks

'I dont know' he replies 'But it worked on your arse!'

[Hitcher]

An eskimo pushes his brokendown snowmobile into the dealer's workshop.
The mechanic lifts the seat, looks at the engine, looks at the eskimo and says
"It looks like you've blown a seal"
To which the eskimo responds
"No, it's just the frost on my beard!"

[MikeL]

Hmm... all these baby jokes. Must reveal something about current pre-occupations. Any sociologists/psychologists here?
In the seventies a funny joke was about a frog in a blender... (Ecology/the environment was the big issue then).
Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis

[bluninja]

Hmm... all these baby jokes. Must reveal something about current pre-occupations. Any sociologists/psychologists here?
In the seventies a funny joke was about a frog in a blender... (Ecology/the environment was the big issue then).
Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis

done the frog in the blender one....BTW I heard all the sick baby jokes at the same time in the 70's. Maybe some of us are harping back to our rebellious teen years

Other historic jokes of that era...

What's the diffence between Marc Bolan and Elvis Presley? About 6 weeks.
What was Marc Bolan's last hit? An oak tree.
Good news for MArc Bolan...they've fixed his mini!
What's blue and hangs in drains? Lesley Whittle (UK Black panther murders)

[k14]

done the frog in the blender one....BTW I heard all the sick baby jokes at the same time in the 70's. Maybe some of us are harping back to our rebellious teen years

Other historic jokes of that era...

What's the diffence between Marc Bolan and Elvis Presley? About 6 weeks.
What was Marc Bolan's last hit? An oak tree.
Good news for MArc Bolan...they've fixed his mini!
What's blue and hangs in drains? Lesley Whittle (UK Black panther murders)

Sorry, but who is marc bolan???

[bluninja]

Sorry, but who is marc bolan???

Young man Marc Bolan was lead singer of a band called T Rex who died after planting his mini in a lrage oak tree. I shall now remove the hook from my lip.

[Ms Piggy]

done the frog in the blender one....BTW I heard all the sick baby jokes at the same time in the 70's. Maybe some of us are harping back to our rebellious teen years

Baby jokes were around when I was a young kid in the 80's too. Maybe it's b/c they're so funny!

[Deano]

how about, "do cu cumb here often ?"

ok, pretty lame

[Big Dog]

Whats invisible and smells like bananas?

A Monkeys fart.

Whats the difference between James Dean and Michael Hutchence?

Michael was using his belt.

[Big Dog]

A dude is riding along the Pacific Coast highway when he sees a sign. On reading the sign he almost goes headfirst over the handlebars in the least planned stoppie of his life. It read "Sisters of Silence House of Sin 1km on left."

After checking and double checking he was seeing what he saw he headed off and was going to let it lie as some harmless prank. But round the next bend was another sign "Get royally screwed By the sisters of silence" 500m on left.

He blinked but carried on now unsure whether to be curious or shaken. On a whim he turned in at the sign parked in the lot and pulled off his helmet.

He sees a sign reading Entrance, and pointing at the right hand door.

After a few moments pause he summoned the courage and entered the Sisters of silence house of sin.

On entering he found himself in a room, no-one to be seen just a rope a door and a sign. The sign read "The sisters of silence are prohibited from speech, Place $200 in the cup, Prepare to be screwed, ring the church bell three times and procceed through the door. Follow the instructions on the next door.

So he pays his $200 prepares himself for what he can only assume must be the best time he is ever going to get to cost a whole two hundred dollars. Rings the bell three times and heads through the door.


He finds himself in a long dark coridor lit only by communion style candles. He walks down its doorless length to find another door with the instructions "Go through the door and follow the path. Follow the instructions at the other end".

He walks out into the garden follows the path through a spectacular orchid garden to another door. The sign says "Go through the door and follow the coridor to the door with the sign on it".

Well a few doors and some corridors later our young hero is getting pretty sick of this game, until he finally see's it. A sign, it reads "Almost there one more door and you will finnally be screwed by the sisters of silence. Close your eyes step through the door and await your bliss". Qickly forgetting his growing concerns he steps up to the door closes his eyes opens the door steps boldly through. Waits in silence as he listens to the door click shut. More silence and birds chirping. The lonely toll of the bell being rung, but still nothing.


Our hero opens his eyes to find himself looking at his motorbike, a car and the back of the entrance sign which read.

"You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Silence, thank you for your support, please come again".

Meanwhile on the roof of the building Sister Agnes passes a note to Mother Superior Margaret. It read "See, I told you I could get people to pay $200 a throw to come and see your orchid garden".

[LB]

WARNING: Youngsters may not get these:

What's brown and got booties in it?
Dingo poo

What goes 100 miles an hour round Ayers Rock?
A dingo doing a victory lap

What did Charles say to Diana at Ayers Rock?
"But Diana, I thought William was with you"


I LOVE all the baby jokes coming out....I'm glad there's others as sick as me.

[Big Dog]

Sheryl goes to a tatoo parlour and says to the ink slinger I want a tattoo that will be a permanant reminder of my love for my husband on our anniversary.

After some discussion it comes about that she calls her butterfly because thats how gentle his kisses are. So the decision is made to put a butterfly on her bum.

The artist says "I can only do the outline today otherwise you won't be able to sit down tonight. Sheryl is disappointed :disapint: but aggrees.

Three hours later she's at her anniversary dinner with her beloved, but can't sit still.

Peter say's "What's wrong with you? You have acted as if you have ants in your pants all evening."
Sheryl say's "My arse is itchy".
Peter looks blankly at her.
Sheryl goes on "I got the love of my life Tattoo'd on my bum today as an anniversary gift for you."

Later that night Sheryl strips off and bends over for Peter to admire her new decorations.

Silence.

Sheryl looks around to find an enraged husband looking back at her. Not the response she expected at all.

Sheryl starts off with "Its not that bad hon, He could only do the outline today, he'll add some colour tommorow".

Pete's stony reply was "Who the f*&^ is BOB?"