A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

**Motoracer** · 18th February 2004, 16:20

3 Vampires

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of hot water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of hot water?"

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

**Motoracer** · 18th February 2004, 16:31

Types of People You'd Meet in a Bathroom

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not

CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed

TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later

INDIFFERENT : If all urinals being used, pisses in sink

CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor

WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection

FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug

ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants

CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble

TOUGH : Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry it

PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand

EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both

DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants

DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away

CONCEITED : Holds two inch penis like a baseball bat

DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants

SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed

**Motoracer** · 18th February 2004, 16:32

Two brunettes and a blonde...

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind.
The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep."

So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!"

And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

**onearmedbandit** · 18th February 2004, 21:22

G W Bush and Osama Bin Laden are dropped onto a desert island to sort out their differences. Shortly thereafter they find a magic lantern, from which appears a genie. The genie informs them that they have one wish each, and as Osama found the lantern he can go first.

Osama thinks long and hard and say, 'I want a 2 mile high wall, constructed of concrete with titanium reinforcing, 100 metres thick around Afghanastans border. I want it so no-one can get in and no-one can get out.' The genie grants his wish.

George Bush turns to the genie and says, 'This wall, 2 miles high, 100 metres thick, nothing can get in or get out right?' The genie answers that this is so. 'Fill it with water' say Bush.

A guy, down on his luck, no money to his name, wanders aimlessly down a street. Kicking a can along the ground he stumbles on a old bottle. Picking up the bottle he wipes it down, when suddenly two genies appear. They inform him that he has 3 wish's, which he makes.

He quickly makes his way home, open the door and sure enough, his lounge is filled with Playboy models waiting for him. They start grabbing him, ripping off his clothes, and hes thinking, 'fuk, my first wish has come true!'. They all make their way to his bedroom, which is now filled with cash, gold, jewellary, all the riches a man could ask for. 'Well fuk me, my 2nd wish has come true'.

Now heavily involved with the models, he hears a loud thumping at his front door. He goes to see who it is, when he's jumped by two Ku Klux Klan members, hoods and all. They beat him down, tie him up and chuck him in the back of their ute. They bounce of down a dusty road until they arrive at the tallest tree. Chucking a rope over a branch, they tie the other end in a noose and hang our not so lucky man.

After the last signs of life are gone, the two KKK members take their hoods off, to reveal the two genies. The first genie says to the second, 'You know, those first two wish's were pretty normal right?'. 'Sure, sure', say the second, 'pretty normal'. 'But the last wish confuses me' the first genie replies, 'why would anyone want to be 'hung like a black man'?'

**Sharkey** · 19th February 2004, 07:32

Originally Posted by onearmedbandit

George Bush turns to the genie and says, 'This wall, 2 miles high, 100 metres thick, nothing can get in or get out right?' The genie answers that this is so. 'Fill it with water' say Bush.

George Bush could never come up with a line like that. Never.

**Motoracer** · 19th February 2004, 14:43

Since we are on the topic...

Why did George Bush cross the road?
Beause his penis was stuck in the chicken!

**riffer** · 19th February 2004, 14:49

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for the teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet. The candy-store owner's daughter handed the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid withy her finger and tasted it.

"It is wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy.

"I give up," she said. "What is it?"
"A puppy!"

**Big Dog** · 19th February 2004, 15:27

How do you know when your athelete girlfreind is taking too many steroids?

She bends you over and fucks you up the arse with her clitoris.

**Ms Piggy** · 19th February 2004, 22:30

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able to take time off on flex. But there had to be a way ....... One of the two public servants suddenly
lifted his head.

"I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his
director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up.

"Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Sure enough, just then the Director emerged from the Branch Head's
office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" he said.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's
an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir,' the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged
off his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

Al · 19th February 2004, 23:25

A man in his sixties goes to the Doctor. The Dr. checks him out and tells him everything is fine. The Doctor asked if he had any questions. The man stated he did. "I have been wondering about my penis. When I was 17 and it was hard I could not bend it." When I was in my 40's and it was hard I could bend it a little bit." Now that I am in my 60's and it gets hard I can bend the hell out of it." Doc tell me am I getting stronger

Edna and Bill were quite the item at the nursing home. Even thought they were both 90 they would sit together every every night. And even though they were too old to make love she would hold his penis in her hand as they sat together.

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman." "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?" "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 90 years old." "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid shit do this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table," says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."
Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took th
The cop said, "e ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

**figjam** · 21st February 2004, 07:58

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

Amazed, the student replaced the cork in the rectum and the music stopped.

Totally freaked out, the student called the medical examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?", the medical examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner. "Any asshole can sing country music."

**Lou Girardin** · 24th February 2004, 06:18

Then there was the dyslexic, amnesiac, agnostic.
He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

What time is bedtime at Neverland?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
Lou

**SPman** · 24th February 2004, 12:33

Dear Tide Detergent.

. I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older, and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative. My attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Signed, A relieved menopausal wife

**Goddess of Goof** · 25th February 2004, 21:20

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.
There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.
He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then,
neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

**SPman** · 25th February 2004, 21:37

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,"Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."