A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[Kickaha]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."


The rest is history...

[moko]

How do you know when an Aussie bird`s had an orgasm?
Her chewing-gum falls out.

Have you heard about De Niro`s new film?He`s playing Dr Harold Shipman in "The Old Dear Hunter"

Englishman on the Titanic "Save the children"
Yank on the Titanic "Fuck the Children"
Priest on the Titanic "Have we got time?"

George W. Bush walks into a pub with a pig under his arm,the Barman asks,"where did you get that?" The Pig replies,"I won it in a raffle"

Seen Stevie Wonder`s new house?
Neither has he

How did Stevie Wonder cut his fingers?
Trying to read the Cheese-Grater

Blind guy stands in the middle of a shop swinging his guide dog around his head by it`s lead.Assistant gets worried,"Can i help you sir?","No thanks I`m just looking around"

How do you get 200 Somalis in a biscuit tin?
Tell them it floats

What were Jesus`s last words on the cross?
No-one touch my Easter Egg,I`ll be back on Sunday

man walks into a pub with a small amphibian on his shoulder
Barman:"What`s that?"
Man:"His name`s Tiny"
Barman:"Why do you call him Tiny?"
Man:"because he`s my newt"

[Al]

Hey, you heard about the
new Italian Tyres?
Dago round.
Dago through mud.
Dago through snow.
Dago everywhere.
And when Dago flat, Dago
Wop, Wop, Wop...


Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says,
"Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father",
his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want
to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle
for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark
and steel the fucking thing!"

This cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he
caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.
"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.
"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.
"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a
young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a
leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."
"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it."
said the young bloke.
"And what's that?" said the cop.
"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in
a blue uniform!"


A bloke was driving along in his car, minding his own business, when
a cop car pulled him over. As he got out of the car a huge pile of rubbish
and crap fell out of the driver's door and onto the cop's feet.
"This car is a fucking pig - sty!" the copper snarled
"Well, you better hop in then " the bloke said with a smile

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

[Al]

A lady was doing her spring cleaning in her 12th floor apartment. She was just
shaking out a rug on her balcony when a strong gust of wind caught the rug and
carried her over the edge.
As she was falling, a bloke reached out of the eighth floor window and caught her.
"Do you fuck?" the bloke asked.
"No, of course I don't!" the woman replied, so the bloke dropped her.
As she hurtled past the fifth floor, another bloke caught her.
"Do you suck?" he asked.
"Definitely not!" the woman replied angrily, so the bloke also dropped her.
As she approached the earth, she prayed to god to give her another chance
at life.
As she plummeted past the second floor a third bloke miraculously caught her.
"I fuck!, I suck!" the woman screamed in a frenzy of fear.
"Dirty slut," the bloke said, and let her go.

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed,
they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic
herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety
of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the
teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries,
lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers
in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and
Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and
shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're arseholes!"

This bloke walks into a clock shop, walks up to the girl at the
counter, undoes his fly and puts his cock on the counter.
The girl behind the counter says, "Excuse me sir, this is a clock
shop, not a cock shop!"
So the bloke says, "So put two hands and a face on it!"

[Skyryder]

I want to know the end of the joke in Finding Nemo about the mollusc and the sea cucumber.

This mollusc walked over to this sea cucmber...well he didn't walk actually..molluscs don't have legs or feet......so this mollusc goes over to this sea cucumber......

Does anyone know the rest....could anyone make up the rest of the joke?

A mollusc goes over to a sea cucumber and asks if he has any bread.

"Yes I do" says the Sea Cucumber, "But it will cost all that you have."

But that is too much says the Mollusc and off he goes to the Sea Lettuce.

"Hey Sea Lettuce," says the Mollusc "Do you have any bread to eat with the Sea Cucumber"

"Yes I do" says Sea Lettuce, "and all I want is the shell on your back"


Yea OK I know it's a bit cheezy But it's the best I can do for now.

Skyryder

[wkid_one]

A lady was doing her spring cleaning in her 12th floor apartment. She was just
shaking out a rug on her balcony when a strong gust of wind caught the rug and
carried her over the edge.
As she was falling, a bloke reached out of the eighth floor window and caught her.
"Do you fuck?" the bloke asked.
"No, of course I don't!" the woman replied, so the bloke dropped her.
As she hurtled past the fifth floor, another bloke caught her.
"Do you suck?" he asked.
"Definitely not!" the woman replied angrily, so the bloke also dropped her.
As she approached the earth, she prayed to god to give her another chance
at life.
As she plummeted past the second floor a third bloke miraculously caught her.
"I fuck!, I suck!" the woman screamed in a frenzy of fear.
"Dirty slut," the bloke said, and let her go.

That isn;t that funny as she would be likely to survive the fall from the second floor.

[Ms Piggy]

That isn;t that funny as she would be likely to survive the fall from the second floor.

Now that's funny!!

[Al]

Punctuation is funny though!
Did you know this was a joke...

[DeanOh]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60,died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25,won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner,"this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

[DeanOh]

Billy Connolly on "Things I hate about everybody...."
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my trousers fly when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people really do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, you dick-head, I paid 15 dollars to come to the movies to stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an age
I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it up your McArse you McF*cking Mcdickhead.
14. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?"... "Yes, I'm fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off then"

[Ms Piggy]

This isn't a rude joke but it tickled my funny bone!

At New York's Kennedy International Airport today, an
individual, later discovered to be a public school
teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide
rule, and a calculator.

Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member
of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged
with carrying Weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft
said."They desire average solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of
absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures,
with names like "X" and "Y", and, although they are
frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really
belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great
Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,"there are 3 sides
to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,
"If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction,
he would have given us more fingers and toes."

[SPman]

A baby Seal walks into a club.......

[moko]

Final whistle of their last game in the Rugby World cup,All Blacks put their heads in their hands...................and drop them

[Ghost Lemur]

Final whistle of their last game in the Rugby World cup,All Blacks put their heads in their hands...................and drop them

Bahahahaha

Classic.

[SPman]

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep.
"Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"