A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[Milky]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,
you would have produced enough sound energy
to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of
an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when
it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they
do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza
every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming
1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed
by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from
their bodies, including their eyebrows and
eyelashes.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull
30 times its own weight and always falls over on
its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that
makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the
most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that
is like a human jumping the length of a football
field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head
before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
head is attached to its body. The female initiates
sex by ripping the males head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
After reading all these, all I can say is....Damn
Pigs.

[Milky]

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one
in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the
typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on
4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a
dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.


There are only four words in the English language which
end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous,
and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora
la Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be
abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time
displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture
dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great
pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play
football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third
largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were
named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the
upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield"
and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand
corner.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You"
theme? Paul Reiser himself.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female
gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to
speak.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up
when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing
cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked
by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his
pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.


The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with
only the left hand.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court
swearing to a statement made by swearing on their
testicles.

[Milky]

1.The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over
the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet.
2.Average life span of a major league baseball: 7
pitches.
3.A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows
why.
4.In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's
Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in
taxicabs, for instance) but did not renumber the
other channel assignments. That is why your TV
set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
5.The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.
6.The only 15 letter word that can be spelled
without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
7.Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
8.Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
9.The reason firehouses have circular stairways is
from the days of yore when the engines were
pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.
10.The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the
"American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don
McLean song.)
11.When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not
"playing." They actually pass out from sheer
terror.
12.The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over
an inch every year because when it was built,
engineers failed to take into account the weight
of all the books that would occupy the building.
13.Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a
great king from history. Spades - King David;
Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -
Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
14.111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
15.If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in
battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle; if the horse has all four legs on the
ground, the person died of natural causes.
16.Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their
unwanted people without killing them used to
burn their houses down - hence the expression
"to get fired."
17.Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years later.
18."I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the
English language.
19.The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II
fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their
airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine
gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before
being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired
all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9
yards."
20.Hershey's Kisses are called that because the
machine that makes them looks like it's kissing
the conveyor belt.
21.The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law which stated that you couldn't beat
your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
22.An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
23.The longest recorded flight of a chicken is
thirteen seconds.
24.The Eisenhower interstate system requires that
one mile in every five must be straight. These
straight sections are usable as airstrips in times
of war or other emergencies.
25.David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit
in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and
didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over
by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of
the movie.
26.The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used
in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle,
G.P.
27.The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as
many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was
built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities
for blacks and whites.
28.The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only
six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
29.Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
30.The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than
the lowest point in Colorado.
31.Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected
intravenously.
32.If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the
largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar.
33.No NFL team which plays its home games in a
domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
34.The first toilet ever seen on television was on
"Leave It To Beaver".
35.The only two days of the year in which there are
no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or
NFL) are the day before and the day after the
Major League All-Star Game.
36.Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or
older.
37.The name Wendy was made up for the book
"Peter Pan."
38.In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice
without a hunting license.
39.It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with
enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

[Milky]

continued 'cos i ran out of space in that last post

40.Thirty-five percent of the people who use
personal ads for dating are already married.
41.There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a
McDonald's Big Mac bun.
42.The world's termites outweigh the world's humans
10 to 1.
43.Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new
cars.
44.The 3 most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that
order.
45.When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels
at a rate of 25 miles per year.
46.It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not
downstairs.
47.The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
48.Humans are the only primates that don't have
pigment in the palms of their hands.
49.Ten percent of the Russian government's income
comes from the sale of vodka.
50.Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are
recently arrived immigrants.
51.On average, 100 people choke to death on
ball-point pens every year.
52.In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy
than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
53.Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
54.Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8
years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
55.Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
56.The cigarette lighter was invented before the
match.
57.Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee,
cola, apple, and chocolate.
58.According to one study, 24% of lawns have some
sort of lawn ornament in their yard.

[Milky]

And finally:

Deep thoughts for the weekend!
1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
6. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
7. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember half the people you know are below average.
10. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
13. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
14. When everything's coming your way, chances are that you're traveling in the wrong lane.
15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
16. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
17. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
18. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
19. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
20. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
21. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
23. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
24. A clear conscience is often the sign of a bad memory.
25. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
26. Plan to be spontaneous----tomorrow.
27. Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane.
28. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
29. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
30. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener

Congratulations to anyone who actually read all those posts of mine.. you have perserverence beyond my imagination

[SpankMe]

Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits......... See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching.

[pete376403]

Proof that marriage exists within nature

[Penta]

Great joke, good one loved it.

[Penta]

Great joke, good one loved it.

in ref to Figjam's earlier joke

[Penta]

Okay then. (SPman: I liked your one a lot - okay if I pass it on??)

What's more fun than pinning a baby up to a rotary clothesline by it's ears and spinning it round at 160KPH?
Stopping it with a spade.

What's more fun than nailing babies up on the wall?
Ripping them off again.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was nailed to the back of a chicken.

Why have babies got soft spots in the tops of their heads?
So the doctors can carry them five at a time.

I did warn you.......

These jokes are disgusting, you sick "MF"s

[Goddess of Goof]

Whilst attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Biker Bill and his wife Carol listened to the instructor declare : “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.....”

She addressed the men : “Can you each name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

Bill leaned over, touched Carol’s arm gently and whispered : “Self raising isn’t it?’

[Al]

Ok folks, I have overstepped the boundaries of "sick/gross" jokes, no more of those from me again..

[Al]

All gone now

[Milky]

.... and i thought that the first ones were bad enough. Now I am truly disgusted From now on I will give this thread a wide berth

[CantRemember]

A bum was strolling through the countryside when he realised he needed to find a bathroom. This was not something he could do behind a tree. In a short while he spied an old house and thought he should investigate.

On approaching the house, the bum caught the whiff of a strong smell coming from somewhere around the house. Undeterred he pressed on and rang the front door bell. An old lady opened the door, the bum explained his predicament and asked politely if he could use the toilet. The old lady directed him to the outside khazi in the back yard.

The bum made his way to the corner of the house and caught a whiff the same stench he had smelt earlier. As he turned the corner, the smell grew. But his need was so great that he had no choice but to press on.

On reaching the back of the house, the smell was so over-powering he could barely keep going. But he went on on. Finally, he reached the door of the outside khazi, opened it, and was nearly blown off his feet by the stench.

But his body was telling him that he really had to take a shit no matter what. Inside the khazi he saw an ancient non-flushing toilet. He gingerly lifted the lid and saw it to be brim-full with the cold shit of ages. By now, the smell was really making his eyes water. He desperately needed to crap so he shut his eyes, dropped his pants and lowered himself onto what was left of the toilet seat.

Maybe the seat was too big, but he found that his ass dropped way too much into the cold putrescent liquid. This was too much for him to take, in convulsion, he leaned forward, with his head near his feet and threw up.

And, of course, we all know how a siphon works...