A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[SPman]

Aaaargh...too many baby jokes.....enough...I surrender! Some things ARE too sick for this site!

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Calvin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you feel smarter after a few beers. . .

[Al]

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."


A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.

The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man sadly shook his head, "Not when the month is up today!"


Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call,
The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep
. I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up



A woman goes into a bar and orders 21 gin martinis. The bartender tells her she can't handle them all, but she insists he line 'em up. He does, she drinks them all down and passes out.

A guy sees her there passed out and says, "You know, we could all fuck her and she'd never know." So they all do.

After a while, she wakes up and goes home. The next day, she goes back to the bar.

The bartender recognizes her and says, "Another 21 gin martinis?"

"No," she says, "they make my pu*sy hurt."



A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mr.", she says, "Have you ever been Fu*ked?"

"No", he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."




A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

[Al]

A Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens
Were watching this unusual dance. "KAMATE, KAMATE,KA-ORA,KA- ORA...KAMATE....."

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would
Happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen. "KAMATE, KAMATE, KA-MATE, KA ORA.....KAMATE....." What the???

The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could
operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the Beam
down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
"KAMATE, KAMATE,KA-ORA, KA-ORA.....KAMATE....." "WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other.

"These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see
what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took
Away the final part of the Kiwi's brain. "Now surely he won't know anything at all. He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?" And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on, the bloke began to sing,

"WALTZING MATILDA..., WALTZING MATILDA.............."

[Wonko]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run
in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.

"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining

[Ms Piggy]

1 - You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an
electrified fooling machine.

2 - With $10,000, we can be millionaires!

3 - Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the
dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

4 - I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please
Superman, help me!

5 - Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

6 - Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's
even remotely true.

7 - Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and Eskimos.

8 - Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.

9 - I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!

10 - Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep, in a blender.

11 - Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us
from the animals. Except the weasel.

12 - There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!

13 - Note to self. Stop doing anything.

14 - I'm just trying to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus.

15 - Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.

[Sk8r_Boi_]

ROFLMAO

[SPman]

Aww, I liked the baby jokes.........
must be time for a blonde joke.

Two blondes are in heaven: One says to another, "how did you die?" The second one replies, "I froze to death". "Thats awful" says the first blonde."How does it feel to freeze to death?." "Its very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.But eventually, it's a very calm way to go.You get numb and you kind of drift off,as if you're sleeping.How about you,how did you die?". " I had a heart attack,"says the first blonde."You see I knew my husband was cheating on me,so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died"
The second blonde shakes her head."what a pity....if you had only looked in the freezer,we'd both still be alive."

[scumdog]

Whats the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls? - you can't unload the truck load of bowling balls with a pitchfork

[pete376403]

Two blondes out walking in the country. One looked down where they were walking and said "Look, deer tracks". "No" says the other, "they're moose tracks". They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.

[PuppetMaster]

The 2nd one looks slightly staged

[menace]

Why are panadol white?





because they work...


Also, this on the news tonight: Michael Jackson has been accused of having an affair with Victoria Beckham in Londond. Jackson denies the rumours, saying he was in Brooklyn at the time.

[Big Dog]

Why are panadol white?

Now that we have resorted to racist jokes, what have Sperm and Abbo's have in common?
Only one in a million work.

[Hitcher]

Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?

Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be an aspirin...

[What?]

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a
show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says
"I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a
beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when
she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was
that for?" he asked. She said "I looked up rambling rose in the
encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but
excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"

[What?]

A study in Sydney showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features; and if she is premenstrual, she is more
prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a rake jammed up his arse.