A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

**mini_hooks_** · 14th January 2006, 15:51

Contagious
Teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious".

**mini_hooks_** · 14th January 2006, 15:53

if more are wanted just tell me i have plenty

**flash** · 14th January 2006, 17:11

ohh please.....if ones REALYY good green rep will be flying through the window

**myvice** · 15th January 2006, 15:01

Two nuns are driving along when a vampire leaps down from a building onto their car.
The nuns terrified swerve back and forth across the road to try and shake him off but he clings onto the bonnet hissing and screaming at them!
What are we going to do? Asks the nun who's driving.
Show him your cross! Says the second nun...
So the driver winds down her window, leans out and yells Oi! Get the fuck off my car!

**Fatjim** · 15th January 2006, 15:48

A brand new mother is sitting up in bed in the maternity ward when th doctor walks in with a grave look on is face. He looks at the woman and says I have some good news, and some bad. Which would you like first?

Well the woman, worried a little in this positin says, " I think I'd like the bad news first".

The doctor replies, " you son, is a ginger"

And the mother relieved, asks, "and the good news"?

The doctor smiles and replies, " He was still born".

**mini_hooks_** · 15th January 2006, 17:34

A Priest was seated next to a Hurricane's supporter on a flight to Christchurch

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The 'canes supporter asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The 'canes supporter then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too - I didn't know we had a choice."

**mini_hooks_** · 15th January 2006, 17:35

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out; Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Edward, "He plays Rugby for the Blues but I was just too embarrassed to say."

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.
The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the Blues Rugby Team as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

**mini_hooks_** · 15th January 2006, 17:36

The Blues rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The coach immediately suspended practice while police and forensic investigators were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again...

**mini_hooks_** · 15th January 2006, 17:37

The Blues coach takes the Team out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position.
So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.

The Blues are making available a help-line for fans who are disappointed with their national team's recent performance.
The help-line number is: 0800 10 10 10.
That's 0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!!

What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Blues shirt in bed?
You ain't gonna a score - ever.

A guy goes into a pub with his dog.
"Sorry mate, no dogs allowed", says the barman.
"But this is a very special dog" claims the man, "he's a Blues supporter!"
The barman looks doubtfully at the pooch.
"Honest", says the man, "he knows when the Blues on the tele, and when they get into the opposition 22 he does a back flip and spins around!!!"
The barman turns the TV on and the Blues are playing the Crusaders.
True to the man's word, when they get into the Crusaders 22, the dog does a back flip and spins around on his back legs.
"That's incredible!" says the barman.
"Just watch", replies the man.
As the Blues lose possession, the dog stops and watches the screen, and only when they get back into the opposition 22 does he go through his acrobatic routine.
The barman is well impressed and asks curiously, "If he does that when The Blues gets into the 22, what does he do when they score a try?"
The guy looks at him and says, "Dunno mate, I've only had him three years!!!"

Saddam Hussein has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday.
To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Saddam stated that he:"watched the rugby on Saturday and The Blues were shit."
UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 2 years.

**mini_hooks_** · 15th January 2006, 17:38

There are only 2 man-made things that can be seen with the naked eye from space...
The first one is the Great Wall of China, and right on it's heels is the...GAP IN THE BLUES DEFENCE.

What is the difference between the Blues and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches.

**kro** · 15th January 2006, 20:56

Two Nuns get asked to redecorate part of the convent, they have to do some painting, and the Head Nun says some of the other items they need will be delivered later that day.

They start painting, but realise its gonna get real messy, and seeing as they are in a locked room anyway, decide to strip off out of their habits (nun clothes), and paint in their knickers only.

In the afternoon, there's a knock at the door, and the startled nuns say "who is it", a voice replies " I'm a blind man". The nuns figure a blind man isn't going to see them topless, and they wont need to re-dress, so they open the door and let him in.

The guys says "nice tits sisters, which windows are these blinds going on?"

**Sniper** · 16th January 2006, 07:16

Why do women have dots around their nipples.

Its Braille for, "Suck this"

**Wolf** · 16th January 2006, 15:01

I've finally caught up on this thread after a marathon read and awarded some richly deserved bling, found out Fish's previous identity (I'll let you lot read through it all or look at my post in Pointless Drivel if you want to know) and decided that if we're trotting out the really OLD and LAME jokes:

Pirate Captain bursts into a dockside bar and roars "Where's me Buccineers!"
A voice yells back from the crowd: "On ya buckin' head"

**Street Gerbil** · 3rd May 2006, 17:46

A line at the Heaven's Gate. St. Peter asks the first one in line: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?". The guy answers "nope!". St. Peter replies: "Ok, take the key to a Rolls Royce, drive down this road ad you'll get right to heaven. Off you go!". He asks the next one if he ever cheated on his wife. The guy mumbles: "Well, you know, there was one occurance when, you know, I met my first love from high school and she told me that all those years she dreamed of making love to me just once and...". St. Peter replies, "oh, well...ok, here are the keys to the WV Bug. Drive down this road and you'll get to Heaven. Next one! Have you ever cheated on your wife?" The third guy replies - "Yep!". Ok, replies St. Peter, grab this bicycle and ride in this direction. The guy mounts the bike and rides down the road. Suddenly he sees a Rolls Royce parked on the side and the first guy crying. He stops to find out what is wrong. The first guy explains: "I just saw my wife. She was walking!!!".