A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

**danb** · 26th May 2004, 22:28

Q: How do the Chinese name their children?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen to the sounds. Ching, Chang, Chong, etc.

Eye doctor tells the chinese man, "It appears you have a cataract." Chinese guy replies, "No, I have a Rincon Continental."

Asian man goes in bank and exchanges 5000 yen for American dollars. He receives $70.
Next month, same Asian man exchanges 5000 yen for American dollars. He receives $65.
He asks the teller, "Why last month 5000 yen bring $70 Amelican, and this month only bring $65?
Teller replies, "Fluctuations, fluctuations"
Asian guy replies, "Fluck you Amelicans too."

------------------------------------------------------

AHAHAHA had a good laugh catching up on this forum

**menace** · 27th May 2004, 22:10

Q: What'd the black kid get for christmas?
A: Your bike!

Q: how do you starve a mexican?
A: hide his food stamps underneath his bar of soap

Q: a black, mexican, and oriental man are all sitting in a car, whos driving?
A: The Cops

Q:Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic Team?
A" Because anybody that can jump, run or swim is already in the US

Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.

Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a dick, it's not time.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Q. Did you hear Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?

A. Yup.....and on the dashboard, and the window, and the hood.

Q. What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?

A. They’re both fun to ride until a friend sees you.

Q. What is the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?

A. Tiger Woods has a better driver.

What is a woman doing when she is staring at a blank piece of paper?

Reading Her Rights

**Jesus Christ** · 27th May 2004, 22:20

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever prideful, looked into the light and said "it would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down.

The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord I thank you for this food which I am about to receive....."

**riffer** · 28th May 2004, 08:42

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

**Big Dog** · 28th May 2004, 15:30

Originally Posted by menace

Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Putting up with Mens Shit.

**White trash** · 28th May 2004, 15:59

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

**Hitcher** · 28th May 2004, 17:20

Originally Posted by White trash

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Surely that should be "dummy out of his arse". Americans are so lame

**Big Dog** · 28th May 2004, 17:34

Originally Posted by Hitcher

Surely that should be "dummy out of his arse". Americans are so lame

Surely that should be "Shihad out of his arse".

**svs** · 31st May 2004, 17:00

Library Man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off........... you won't bring it back"

**PuppetMaster** · 31st May 2004, 17:23

Al Qaeda has placed a bounty on Kofi Annan's head....

**Hitcher** · 31st May 2004, 17:36

Originally Posted by PuppetMaster

Al Qaeda has placed a bounty on Kofi Annan's head....

ROTFPMPL!! Superb!

**SPman** · 31st May 2004, 18:52

>MEMO To Technical Support
>
>Subject: Upgrades
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
>new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
>and
>valuable resources.
>No mention of this phenomenom was included in the product brochure
>In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
>programs and
>launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system
>activity
>
>Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Boys Night 2.6 and Thursday Hoon Night 5.0, no longer run
>crashing the system whenever selected
>I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
>while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications
>I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program
>
>Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I’m screwed.
>
>Thanks
>Joe
>
>Dear Joe Screwed
>
>This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
>with the idea that Wife1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT’ program
>
>Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything
>It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0
>Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained
>
>It is impossible to un-install, delete or purge the program files from
>the system, once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because
>Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
>Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0
>or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system
>
>Look in your manual under “Warnings – Alimony/Child Support”
>I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
>Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
>the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF’s)
>You must assume all responsibility for faults and
>problems, that might occur, regardless of their cause.The best course
>of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case
>avoid excessive use of the “Esc” key, because ultimately, you will
>have to give the APOLOGISE command
>before the operating system will return to normal.
>The system will run smoothly, as long as you take all responsibility
>for all the GPF’s
>Wife 1.0 is a great program but very high maintainence.
>Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife1.0
>Recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 6.0.
>DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Short Skirt Secretary 3.3.
>This is not a supported application for Wife1.0, and is likely to cause
>irreversible
>damage to the operating system.
>
>Best of luck
>Tech Support

**Ms Piggy** · 2nd June 2004, 15:54

1)My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.

2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room
spinning medicine.

14) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

21) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

22) Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.