A joke - rude so don't read if you are offended easily

[White trash]

An upstanding wall street broker makes millions and tired of the rat race that is New York, decides to retire to isolation in Alaska. He buys a little log cabin 50 miles from anywhere then decides to sit back and enjoy his retirment.

After six months of seeing absolutely noone, theres a knock on the door one morning. A bit confused, he opens the door to a 60 year old, grizzled, mountain man.

"Mornin'" says the old man, "Havin' a bit of a party at my place over yonda on Saturday night and thought it'd be mighty neighbourly to invite yi'."

"That's great," says the broker "I haven't seen anybody for a while, a party would be nice."

"Find it best to warn ya, there'll be a fair bit of drinkin'." advises the old timer.

"I can hold my liquir not too bad." smiles the broker.

"Bound to be a bit o' fightin' too!" continues the neighbour.

"I'm fairly quiet, can't see myself getting in a lot of trouble." says the cocky broker.

"Goddamn CERTAIN there'll be some rough sex!" gloats the old man.

"Fantastic, I haven't known a womans touch for quite some time now." replies the broker. "What shall I wear?"

To which his friendly neighbor answers,


"Don't much matter, it's only you and I gonna be there!"

[merv]

I liked this one, I wouldn't mind meeting a cop like that:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[White trash]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Andy behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Andy replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor.
>
>" So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
>
>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
>
>That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
>
>He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>
>The computer prints the following:
>1.Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>2.Your dog has ring-worm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
>3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>4.Your wife is pregnant Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (Kiosk #2)
>5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
>
>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Ms Piggy]

Spot the JTHM fan.

What or who is JTHM?

[Ghost Lemur]

What or who is JTHM?

Johnny The Homicidal Maniac is a comic book series by Jhonen Vasquez. Brilliant it most certainly is for those of us with a darker sense of humour.

[k14]

Chinese Takeaways:

[danb]

How do you know if an assian has been to your house?

Your cat is in the microwave
Your homework is done
Your computer is downloading gay porn
And they are still trying to back out of you drive way!

[Big Dog]

What is the difference between sperm and a "nigger"?
More than 1 in a million sperm work.

[Big Dog]

A man walks into a bar....


















And said ouch!

[danb]

A man walks into a bar....


















And said ouch!

WTF....... :sly:

[Ghost Lemur]

WTF....... :sly:

Don't worry you WILL get it eventually. Sad but true

[merv]

Yeah doesn't it hurt when you walk into things danb - you can get all bruised.

[menace]

A man walks into a bar....


















And said ouch!

Isnt the orginal version of that joke

A puppy seal walk into a club...?


lol

[Milky]

two men walk into a bar....















you'd think the second one would have ducked...

[Milky]

just for good measure....

three men walk into a bar.....













the last one must have been irish