Friday jokes

[Swoop]

I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower.
He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.
I guess old habits die hard.



Cuddling your wife after sex is like staying on the toilet after a dump.



What do you call a pointless race that covers around 2,200 miles throughout France?

The French.



I have sleepless nights trying to remember the difference between amnesia and insomnia.




I wonder how people coped before there were estate agents…

Man 1: Would you like to buy my house?

Man 2: Yes.




I’ve just completed The Beatles: Rock Band, and it’s got the most depressing ending ever:
John gets shot, Paul gets divorced, George gets cancer and Ringo lives.




There’s a film on about the Chinese Civil War tonight, but I won’t bother watching it.

I’ve already seen Attack of the Clones.





After spending three years as a pissed up degree student, I decided it was time to give something back.

Traffic cones mostly.





Although Anthony Hopkins is Welsh, he’s never been accused of sheep shagging.

It’s all down to the silence of the lambs.







Here’s a line that always makes me laugh…

________________________________________

…Michael Jackson’s ECG.








It’s always worried me that God forgot to include prohibitions on rape and child abuse in the Ten Commandments.
Then again, it’s never bothered the Catholic Church.





I don’t know if I’m a pirate or a pyromaniac.

I can’t stop burning DVDs.

[Fatt Max]

Brilliant Friday Funnies as per usual sir,

My weekend entertainment is complete'

Have a beer good man

[crazyhorse]

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." he said

"I Can't."


"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded...."

[Zuki lover]

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Zuki lover]

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[racefactory]

I only happen to know sick, degrading woman themed jokes i'm afraid.

Why are clams like women?
When the red tide comes, you don't eat them.


What do you call a hooker with a snotty nose?
FULL

Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
You put a quarter in and get fucked.

How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch,
If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.

What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant?
Her feet!

That's all for now folks...

[crazyhorse]

Boy lost his job in the fish n chip shop. Dad goes to find out why.

Owner says 'I found him with the potato peeler up his arse'

Dad says 'show me the potato peeler'

Owner says 'I fired him too'

[MSTRS:Me]

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're A CUNT!"

[Mrs Cowboyz]

ok this is the only joke I can remember, and apologies if it offends anyone!!

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?






A paraplegic after a house fire!

[Mikkel]

On the plane, the captain has just given his in-flight briefing and have forgotten to turn of the microphone. So the entire plane hears the captain say to the co-pilot: "What I could really use now is a hot cup of coffee and a blowjob!"
One of the air-hostesses hears this and hurries off to the cockpit to inform them that they have left the microphone one.
Then one of the passengers yells after her: "Don't forget the coffee honey!"

[one fast tl1ooo]

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

[Love my Bonnie]

My favourite joke ever

A woman is working in a sperm bank when in comes a robber wearing a balaclava & carrying a shotgun
He points the shotgun at her and yells "open the safe"
She opens the safe
"now get out some sperm" he shouts
She gets out some sperm "now drink it!!" he yells, pointing the shotgun at her
"but its sperm" she replies
"DRINK IT!!" he shouts
so she opens the vial and drinks the sperm
"now get out some more" yells th erobber pointing the shotgun at her again
the woman does as shes told
"NOW DRINK THAT TOO" he yells
she drinks the sperm
The man takes off his balaclava, it's her husband
"not that fucken hard was it?" he asks

LOL

[Stirts]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my cock," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his cock?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[one fast tl1ooo]

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

[Stirts]

A woman dies and floats up to the pearly gates and is waiting and has a chat with St Peter who explains that there is a bit of a queue today. With that a loud and drawn out scream is heard........
"What was that" she goes
"That is them drilling the hole in the head to fit the halo" said St Peter
Then another scream is heard followed by another
"And those?" she said
"Ah! that would be them drilling the holes for the wings" St Peter said
"Would it be alright if i errr went to the other place, you know, down below please" said the worried lady
" But if you go down there my child it will be continious rape and sodomy for all eternity" said St Peter who was now getting worried about the woman.
" Well yes" she said " but I already have holes for that"