Hangovers

[SARGE]

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep
last night was a mere disco nap which is giving
you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that
you are able to function relatively well. However,
you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of
water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians
are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.



2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something
is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of
a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain
focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast. Last
night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even
though you have a nice demeanor about the office,
you are costing your employer valuable money
because all you really can handle is aimlessly
surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.



3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You
are definitely a space cadet and so not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with
your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked
you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right
now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts
and a liter of coke watching Good Morning with
Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee,
a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter
of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.



4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too
quickly or else you might honk. You have lost
the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted
you for being late and has given you a lecture
for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so
crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars),
your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one
big vein and your hair style makes you look like
a reject from the class picture of Moss side
secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks
pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet
and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so
you could go back and NOT have gone out the
night before.



5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is
actually scaring the employee who sits next to you.
Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus
as your eyes are scrunched up against the
overpowering glare from your computer screen
Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore,
staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still
have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth,
at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You
don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost
the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is
suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take
the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking
is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad
at you and your co-workers think that your dog just
died because you look so pathetic. You should have
called in sick because all you can manage to do
is breathe....very gently.

[T.W.R]

couple of charcoal tablets will fix it SARGE
if not go for a stomach pump, works eveytime

I haven't got a drinking problem!, i drink! , i get drunk , i fall down , no problem!

[parsley]

Reminds me of Larry Miller's "Five stages of drinking" routine. Can't find it on the net but it's bloody brilliant.

[Wolf]

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

Nope, not a bit. Despite having been so drunk that my father's advice has come to mind:

"If you're drunk so much you can't stop spewing and you feel something hairy coming up your throat - grab onto it fast... It's your arsehole."

[Bren]

6 Levels Of Hangovers
*One Star Hangover*
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.


*Two Star Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


*Three Star Hangover*
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke, yet you haven't peed once.


*Four Star Hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.


*Five Star Hangover
*AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.


*Six Star Hangover*
Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights... some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead... the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

I can say I have achieved level 5!

[FJRider]

* 7th Star hangover*
Otherwise known as "death with feeling".
You become aware of the fact that life exists, but in your case, it may have been "past tense". A canine aroma fills your nostrils, and the realization that the warm body you are resting your head on...is growling...but not in pleasure.Your mouth tastes like a dogs breakfast. One eye opens (painfully) to check if this is in fact, the case...it is. Open eye focuses (tries to)on your watch. Brightness suggests daylight, but time indicated "could" suggest otherwise. Date indicator on your watch must be incorrect...IT MUST BE !!!
Unsure how you could be in this much pain, and so tired.MUST SLEEEEEEEP !!!!
Wake to girlfriend licking your ear....very moist licking... NOT GIRLFRIEND !!!
Decide to go to work so boss can kill you... unsure if its actually a work day... or night. Don't care, because if its a weekend... you'll be ON TIME on monday and can sleep some more till then....and if its not, they'll call a cop...and have you locked up to sleeeeep it off. Win win either way,

Got to level seven ONCE ...never... (ever)... again...

[Drum]

Level 8.

All of the above, and then your 2 year old wakes you up at 5:30am.

[erik]

Three star for me, well the first three sentences anyway.

[Hiflyer]

Most of us have been there at one point or another, now we can piece together how bad our hangover really was with the help of the hangover rating system.

Post up what your last hangover rating was and what your average is if you want

1 star hangover

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up
there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.


2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the
attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


3 star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so
productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you
of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked
you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke
watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet
coke yet you haven't peed once.


4 star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly
or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you
(depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and
your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger
and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have
gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.


5 star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee
who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe
..... very gently.


6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly
around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the
pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode
and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you
have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and
farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse
and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-
minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you
saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try
to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits
of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving
you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like
moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours
at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!

[JimO]

i had a 6 star hangover the day i had my 1st job interview, big night the night before was just 15 and a mate pinched some top shelf from his old mans pub, i drank a small bottle of brandyat a party, never again i said.....didnt get the job either

[rainman]

Yep, been there, done that.

But not for more than 20 years.

[pete376403]

I try to do no better (worse) that a 1star now, don't have the surplus brain cells any more.

[mister.koz]

Yep, done all of those and way way too much... last one was the night of my newest job's work due, i hadn't even started work and i was all messed up in town (i never go to town) having an argument with a workmate about something that made sense, nearly got into a fistfight.. wanted to die, then i said sorry to everyone involved and seems its all blown over.. still working there and very lucky

No more he says, and this time i shall get my way.

[Brian d marge]

Wheres the 7 or EVEN the 10

The last big one involved waking up in the police station ( very nice man that ) not remembering a thing , after walking out he pub door
Cost me 50 000 yen in replacement bits and bobs , shoes , bag , money , wallet ,,,,,,,,gift for the nice policeman

I tried to stand , a day after and promptly hurled ,,,,

never never NEVER again ( it damn near killed me ..)

Stephen

[SMOKEU]

I've had the old 6 star many a time. It's fucking terrible not even being able to drink a glass of water without spewing it up.