Its time for the old people jokes!

[Macktheknife]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

[Macktheknife]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

[Macktheknife]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[Macktheknife]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

[Macktheknife]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[Macktheknife]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[Macktheknife]

THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[SPman]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again,and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe.
A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady steps out of her drawers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence.
Well, what follows is 20 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen.
The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal.
Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the young man is stunned.
Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioner. He says,
"Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't
electrified!!!"

[SPman]

An old man is driving down the highway and his cell phone rings.
It's his wife and she says "Watch out, the news says that there's a car going the wrong way on the road you're on"
He says " ONE! .....there's hundreds of them"!

[T.W.R]

the price of age

[Goblin]

Little Johnny tells his dad "Gran has a prawn on her cunt".
Dad replies "No Johnny, its a clitoris"
Johnny insists "True dad, Gran has a prawn on her cunt"
Dad replies "No johnny, thats her clitoris!"
Johnny..."Well it sure tastes like a prawn!"

[SPman]

A farmer is walking back home after leaving his car at the garage for repair. On the way, he stops at the hardware store and buys a bucket and an anvil. Then he stops at the livestock store and buys two chickens and a goose.
He asks the clerk "How am I going to carry all this?"
The clerk replies, "Put the anvil in the bucket,
carry it in one hand, carry the goose in the other, and put a chicken under each arm."
So the farmer is walking along like this when he
encounters an old woman. She says, "I'm not sure how to get home, can you help me?"
"Where do you live?" he askes her.
"1616 Mulberry Lane" she replies.
So he says, "I live at 1603 Mulberry Lane, I'll help you get home. We can take this shortcut through the alley."
The old woman then asks "Wait, how do I know you
won't get me in the alley and then hold me against a wall, lift my skirt, and then use me for your own pleasure?"
The guy says, "Lady, how can I possibly do that when I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, a goose and two chickens?"
The old woman quickly replies, "Put the bucket over the goose, and put the anvil on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens."

[T.W.R]

A wee kid says to his Grandad,
"hey grandad when are you going to turn into a frog?"
Grandad replys " whys that son?"
Kid says " oh mum said when you croak, we're all going to disneyland"

[T.W.R]

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear being that there really was no heaven. After a long life,the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying,
"Maude....Maude...."
"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed"
"Whats it like, John?" Maude asked
John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and have sex,
then I have breakfast, and after that more sex,
I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice,
I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon,
After dinner, I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, John" Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"
"Not exactly" John said, "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Twizel!"

[Goddess of Goof]

On Marriage:

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."



A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."



AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE !!!


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up...."