A little humour for the day!

**Macktheknife** · 16th November 2005, 15:43

The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job.

7% said they most enjoyed the sensations.

5% confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.

88% said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

**Macktheknife** · 16th November 2005, 15:45

And another....
>These are things people actually said in court - So they say!

>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>WITNESS: July 18th.
>ATTORNEY: What year?
>WITNESS: Every year.
>
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh....
>
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
>people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh?
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

**Macktheknife** · 16th November 2005, 15:48

And another....
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, Honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this
time."

**Macktheknife** · 16th November 2005, 15:53

But wait there's more...
>Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and i wasn't feeling to good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.
>As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well,that's wives for you, the children will remember...
>The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office. I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
>As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's you birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
>I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day "Let's go!" We went to lunch.
>We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
>On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day.We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
>After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying
>a huge birthday cake-----followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
>And I just sat there-----
on the couch-----
naked-----.

**Sniper** · 16th November 2005, 15:56

Originally Posted by Macktheknife

And another....
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

...snip...

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this
time."

I have heard another version where the end line is........ "So Stacy, usual hotel tonight?"