Xmas-related Jokes

[strayjuliet]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

[miSTa]

No sorry, no christmas this year, the London police have made another bobo

[Wolf]

No sorry, no christmas this year, the London police have made another bobo

It's a fake - too few bullet holes and no marks where he was forcibly restrained against a train seat...

[In The Breeze]

NOT work safe

[T.W.R]

Moneys short, Times are hard, Heres your f@%#* Christmas card !

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse.

Mum was at the whorehouse
and dad was smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass. ( arse to appease Hitcher )

When out on the lawn
i heard such a clatter
i rose from my place
to see what was the matter.

There out on the lawn
i saw a big dick
i knew in an instant
it must be St Nick.

He came down the Chimney
like a bat out of hell
i knew in a flash
the fucker had fell.

he filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.

he rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch blew
the chimney apart.

he swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all and have
a hell of a night!

[Postie]

Twas the night before Christmas and all through
the flat
The techno was blaring, 'twas too loud to chat
The rizlas were perched on the table with care
And smoke full of chemicals soon filled the air
We'd just been out clubbing, I truly was trashed
My friends were all here and equally mashed
We'd popped a few pills and we'd had a quick
sniff
And just settled down to a nice tasty spliff
When out on the balcony rose such a clatter
We looked slowly up to see what was the matter
I got to my feet and I swayed to the door
And only occasionally fell on the floor
I peered through the glass as I took a long puff
The land glistened softly with rubbish and stuff
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
But a fat man in red and a team of reindeer
He yelled and he ranted, gave each one a kick
I knew in a second it must be Saint Nick
He shrieked at each Reindeer and cursed them
alike
"F*ck you!" yelled Rudolph "we're going on
strike!"
The reindeer did turn and soar into the sky
And Santa growled something that wasn't goodbye
I watched as they went in a puff of pink smoke
And vowed from now on to stay off of the coke
As debris did settle St Nick turned around
He swore as he angrily kicked at the ground
He gave me a gesture that clearly implied
He'd be very pleased if I let him inside
I threw the doors open and ushered him in
Invited him through with a welcoming grin
"So where are our presents?" my smashed flatmate
cried
With a look of astonishment, Santa replied;
"You seriously think you might be on my list?
You've got to be kidding, you're taking the
p1ss!
Have you lot considered your actions this year?
Stop being stupid and get me a beer."
He opened a carling, but still looked depressed
We asked him to tell us what made him so
stressed
"My reindeer have left me" he said with a sigh
"Unless I have reindeer I've no way to fly!"
"Now look here" I told him "we may not know much
We don't help old ladies, kiss babies and such,
But Santa, there's no need for you to despair
We know how to get you back up in the air!"
I chopped up a line with precision and skill
And rolled him up neatly a EUR20 bill
His face lit up quickly with real Christmas
cheer
"Perhaps you kids WILL get some presents this
year!"
He spoke not a word but got straight to his
mission
He snorted that line with wholehearted ambition
Then Santa skinned up and he smiled as he puffed
We knew that our stockings this year would be
stuffed
He sprang to the balcony, leapt from the railing
Soared to the sky with his present-sack trailing
I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good
night!"

[Beemer]

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot and as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred pound note in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.
He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred pound notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[Cibby]

aww beemer..

i must be a bit soft this afternoon but that is really terrible.

I probably need a beer.