Increased security alerts worldwide

**Beemer** · 26th November 2005, 14:23

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist bombing and therefore have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 - when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been officially re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it had raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans, wishing to stay in lock-step with their neighbours, have also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher alert levels: "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

The world should now feel a safer place...

**Swoop** · 26th November 2005, 20:42

The ozzies are concerned as well - this secret letter has appeared...

To: The Indonesian Foreign Minister
From: The Australian Prime Minister

My Dear Dr Alatas,

May I thank you, on behalf of the Australian people, for your country's
most kind declaration of war, received in my office at 8pm last night.
With sincere regret, I must decline your invitation to fight. If you
could delay your invasion of our northern coastline until, say, 2015,
I'm sure we'd be able to give you a terrific scrap.

But at the moment I doubt we could even field a team. Our F-111s are
grounded again, and, because of their age (ours have the gearshift on
the steering column, and those indicators that flip out of the door
pillars), spare parts are available only at wrecking yards and swap
meets. Also, we just can't seem to get them to run properly on
unleaded. The Chinooks in Townsville are grounded, too. Losing the
choppers is bad news as our fixed-wing capacity in the north is
presently in tatters. Why? A slight kerfuffle over my good friend
Warren Entsch's concreting business has left our RAAF base at Weipa
short of a number of desirable features - like a runway.

Our Defence Minister, Mr. Moore, sends his apologies, but insists that a
war is presently out of the question as we don't have a Defence
Secretary. Well we have one, but he's currently trying to wrestle Mr.
Moore to death in the Federal Court, for wrongful dismissal. It would be
a little unfair on Mr. Moore to begin a war while nobody in the Defence
Department will speak to him.

You will probably know that the Chief of Navy isn't getting a new
contract either but, even if he was, I could not possibly commit our
senior service to any conflict. Our two Collins submarines, 'Drowning'
and 'Waving', have just returned from sea trials off Fiji to assess
their design targets of silence and stealth. Every time they went into
reverse, normal conversation became impossible across most of Chile and
Peru. It is also disheartening that Drowning ran aground, especially as
this mishap somehow snapped off her periscope. Think
about it!

Not that we have enough submariners to man the boats anyway. Attracting
career sailors to our modern professional navy has not been helped by
recent revelations on prime time television that recruits are routinely
stripped naked, smeared with food scraps and excrement, and flogged on
the buttocks. I take no comfort from the flood of applications this
publicity drew from Tasmania.

The army is still the bulwark of Australia's security, but even there
things are difficult. Changes following the Women In Combat report, and
same-sex relationship rulings, have, in my opinion compromised our
flexibility. For example, both the First Heavy Armoured (Dykes With
Pykes) and the Gay Fusiliers (The Queens Light Foot) refuse to fight for
a fortnight either side of the Sydney Mardi Gras.

Other soldiers are insisting, these days, on owning the conflict and
have begun to enrol in regular workshops to manage their aggression.
High Court rulings may also mean, with no offence Dr. Alatas, that we
cannot engage in a battle against a racially-selected enemy force. Can
you recruit a sprinkling of Europeans next time? By all means take as
many of ours as you want.

It is a good indication of the quality of our Defence Intelligence
Organisation that I am unable to send this transmission in code. The
code books were stolen by an unstable, steroid abuser, Jean-Phillippe
Wispelaere, shrewdly recruited by the DIO, and entrusted with most of
our defence secrets. So now we don't have any. Mr. Wispelaere sold
them all in Bangkok. If you have any secrets you don't need any more,
we would be most grateful for them. I should have the code books back
soon. Christies are auctioning them in Havana next week. In the
meantime, DIO suggests we do the old a=b, b=c, c=d code. They swear by
it.

I know our refusal will be a considerable disappointment to you, but can
I suggest that you consider invading New Zealand instead? Their only
significant defence capability lies with their two Anzac-class frigates,
'Mulk' and 'Lemb'. I have no doubt you'll cream them, and I
should know. They were both built in Australia.

Best wishes,

John Howard

**Karma** · 26th November 2005, 21:53

Originally Posted by Beemer

The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".

Damn near pissed myself at that! Whenever someone tells you the French are suave and sexy, remember that!

**Swoop** · 27th November 2005, 08:52

Originally Posted by Weasel

Damn near pissed myself at that! Whenever someone tells you the French are suave and sexy, remember that!

Some fine quotes regarding the french...

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit
outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more
stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
face for it." ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds
the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France

**boomer** · 27th November 2005, 08:56

Originally Posted by Beemer

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist bombing and therefore have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 - when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been officially re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it had raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans, wishing to stay in lock-step with their neighbours, have also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher alert levels: "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

The world should now feel a safer place...

Classic.

**Unit:Me** · 27th November 2005, 09:01

I feel my sanity is not all that questionable these days anymore, great entertainment post, wish I had the wit to contribute, so, hows this about bikes then? I see that dikes feature along the way, we'll defend to the far north of our island, now where did I stash the bows and arrows last time.....

**onearmedbandit** · 27th November 2005, 09:57

Read a quote by Chris Rock yesterday;

Originally Posted by Chris Rock

You know the world is in trouble when the best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the tallest player in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss have the America's Cup, France is accusing America of arrogance, the Germans don't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful people in America are Bush, Dick, and Colon.

**far queue** · 12th September 2006, 09:23

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

The Australians thought about doing something but have decided that their security level of "She'll be right mate" is enough.