What's your sickest joke?

**Bikkie** · 18th August 2018, 06:41

Aretha Franklin reaches
the pearly gates and
sees George Michael
standing there."I knew
you were waiting for
me." She said.

Aretha Franklin and
Elton John.One's the
Queen of soul the other
the Queen of arsehole.

Have you noticed how
many F1 drivers have
names linked to
scottish towns?
Stirling Moss,Lewis
Hamiltion,Eddie
Irvine....AYR Town
centre....

In Jamaica you can
get a steak and kidney
pie for $1.75,a
chicken and mushroom
pie for $1.60 and an
apple pie for $2.15.In
St Kitts and Nevis a
steak and kidney pie
will cost you $2 a
chicken pie ( without mushroom }
is $1.70 and a cherry pie can
be yours for $1.95.In
Trinidad and Tobago,
that steak and kidney
pie comes in at $2.50,
but you can get two for
$3.50,while the
chicken and mushroom
pie is $2.25.They also
offer meat and potato
pie for $2,or two for
$3.Their apple pies
and cherry pie are
often sold for $2.75,
or two ( any combination ) for
$4.75.Those are the
pie Rates of the
caribbean.

It used to be called
"methamphetamine"
But they renamed it
"meth" so it's easier
to say when you have
no front teeth.

My girlfriend
moaned,"I had to
walk home in the rain
and now I'm really
wet." "You get turned
on by the weirdest
shit." I replied.

**husaberg** · 18th August 2018, 22:56

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.
He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"
She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."

**Bikkie** · 21st August 2018, 06:58

Sufflok police
comfirmed that a man
who fell into a
combine-harvester...while
trying to steal it....has
been bailed!!

I got home from work
and my wife was
stark naked with her
legs wide open.She
smiled at me and said,
"I' m just preparing
dinner." "Fuck me."
I replied,"How many
are coming?"

"Women are the
stronger sex." say
the gender that cries
lots and can't open
jars.

Stevie Wonder
apparently went to
see Aretha Franklin
just before she
passed....I very much
doubt it....

The name"s
Bond..Bail bond.

Looking forward to
the next Bond movie.
"The Man With The
Stolen Gun."

I'm all for a black man
playing a
sophisticated upper
class English spy...As
long they're prepared
to do the equivalent
and cast Colin Firth as
the lead character in a
Mike Tyson biopic.

**pete376403** · 21st August 2018, 22:39

baby seal walks into a bar.
"what will you have?" asks the barman.
"Anything but a Canadian Club"

**Bikkie** · 23rd August 2018, 08:27

Foreign Aid:
People in a rich
country sending
money to rich people
in a poor country.

Jamie Oliver has
apologised for any
offence caused by his
Jerk Rice and has
renamed it Nigger
Rice....its quite thick
but quite easy to stick
a knife into it.

**Bikkie** · 28th August 2018, 07:05

"Barely legal"
Because "almost underage"
Sounds a bit creepy.

I played football for
the first time yesterday,after
a long lay off with health
issues.I heard someone in
the crowd shout,"You're still
got it mate!"
Unfortunately,it was
my doctor with my
latest test results.

My dystexa is getting whores.

Remember when plastic surgery was
a taboo subject? Now you mention
Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Took this hot girl
back to mine earlier
and,after a couple
of drinks,she was
laughing away at my
banter and my witty
one-liners."I love a
good laugh" she
said.."it really gets
me going if you
know what I mean"
"I'm the same" I
said...."in fact...let me
show you this really
funny joke site I
use..it's hilarious"
Anyway..long story
short..she fucked off
in a taxi and I'm back
to the wanking.

**Bikkie** · 29th August 2018, 09:17

The pope was in
Liverpool last week
curing the sick and
healing the masses
and all those pope
type things he does.
Anyway,little scouse
Johnny comes up to
him and says,"Please
Mr pope,can you
help me with my
hearing?" The pope
then placed his hands
over the lads ears and
blessed him."Well
that's all well and
good." said Johnny.
"But my hearings not
till next thursday."

Vain Brazlian
homosexual and plastic
surgery nut,Rodrigo
Alves left Celebrity
Big Brother because of
a meltdown.He
must've set his
hairdryer too high.

**Bikkie** · 31st August 2018, 07:31

I see Shania Twain has
been boasting about
her new Subaru on
Twitter.That don't
Impreza me much.

Only 3 games into the
season and I've
already seen a Man
United season ticket
nailed to a tree.I
thought to myself:
"I'm having that."
After all you can
never have enough
nails can you?

Warehouse,like a
normal house but hairy
during a full moon.

A cure for premature
ejaculation.At that
critical moment,just
think of Terasa May
dancing in Cape Town
nude.

**Bikkie** · 1st September 2018, 06:49

I was out fishing
yesterday when I
heard a soft voice
saying,"Kiss me,then
I will turn into your
faithfull mistress." I
looked down and saw
a little frog.I Said
"Was that you
speaking?"
The little
frog said "Yes,kiss me
and I will turn into
your faithfull mistress."
So I picked the little
frog up and placed it in
an empty bait box.
When I got home,the
missus was out,so I
opened the bait box
and the little frog said
"Are you going to kiss
me now so I can turn
into your faithfull
mistress."
I said 'Nah,
at my age I'd rather
have a talking frog."

I visited a cafe and
ordered eggs for
breakfast this
morning.The woman
behind the counter
asked "How would
you like your eggs
cooked?"
"Does it
affect the price?" I
said,"No,not at all."
she replied."In that
case I'd like them
cooked with bacon,
sausage and tomato
please."

**Herman Jelmet** · 1st September 2018, 19:10

A hillbilly is fucking his sister
His sister starts laughing and says , you fuck just like dad !
Hillbilly says , yeah that's what mum said !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

**Bikkie** · 11th September 2018, 07:21

After a number of
kaleidoscopes have
been stolen from
local
toy-shops...police
believe a pattern is
forming!!

Dear ladies.Tell your
boobs to stop staring
at my eyes.

To commemorate 100
years of Fosters Larger
Austrailians are having
a 7 day celebration
"Piss Weak"

"Why are men only
interested in one
thing?" Because
nature designed us to
reproduce,not take an
interest in your shit
personality.

I've been playing the
nigger version of
Monopoly.The
community chest is
empty;everybody
takes a chance and
each square has "Go To
Jail" on it.

Woman: I want a man
who will put me first
commit himself to me
and stand by me
through anything,no
matter what.Friend:
What happened to the
bloke you were
seeing? Woman:He
lost his job and my
mates advised me to
get rid of him.

I've seen a
few women writing things
starting with the catch "I need
feminism because." Being the
ardent equalist I am,I thought
I'd give it a shot myself! I need
feminism because I want
facebook to stip censoring
pictures of tits.

It's great getting a titty
wank off the wife as we get
older.Her toenails scratch my
balls at the same time!!!

Everytime my
girlfriend and I have sex,I pray
she doesn't fall pregnant.I don't
think I'm ready to be an
ex-boyfriend just yet.

How I count to ten:1,2,3,
4,5,6,7,8,9,10.How Bill
Gates counts to ten: "1,2,3,95,
98,NT,2000,xp,vista,7.8.9,
10.

I applaud china for relaxing
the restrictions of one child per
couple I mean somebody has to
keep making those iphones in
the future.

**Bikkie** · 15th September 2018, 06:48

I went down to the
patent office trying to
register some of my
inventions earlier
today.I walked up to
the main desk to sign
in and the lady pulled
out a form to fill out.
She asked for my
personal info,wrote it
down and then asked
me what I had
invented.I said,"A
folding bottle." She
said,"Ok,what do
you call it?" "A fottle."
"What else do you
have there?" "A folding
carton." "Ok what do
you call it?" "A farton."
She chuckled and said,
"Those are silly names
for products and one
of them sounds a bit
crude." I was so upset
by her comment I
grabbed the form and
left the office without
even telling her about
my folding bucket...

**husaberg** · 17th September 2018, 23:28

man walks into a bar with a ostridge and a black cat.
the bar man asks the bloke "what do you want to drink?" The bloke replies, nothing for me or the ostridge but a pint for the cat!.
two minutes later he goes up again and buys the cat another drink. a minute later he buys the cat a third drink.
on the fourth time to buy a drink for the cat the barman asks "you seem to be buying that cat a lot of drinks where did you get it and the ostridge."
he replies I found a magic lamp rubbed it and asked for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!!!!

Steve has just bought himself a new motorbike... But one of the seals is loose, so whenever it rains, he has to smear vaseline around it to keep the water out. Anyway, Steve is visiting his girlfriend's parents for the first time, and as he arrives at their house, his girlfriend greets him, telling him that there is a big ongoing argument in the house, and that nobody has done the dishes for three months. The arrangement is that the first person to speak will do the dishes. Steve say okay, and they go in. The house is in a terrible state - dishes in the kitchen, dishes in the living room, dishes _everywhere_, but Steve says nothing. Halfway through dinner, Steve gets up from the table, and has sex with his girlfriend on then floor. She is flustered, and her parents are livid, but nobody says a word. A while later, Steve picks up his girlfriend's mother and gives her the same treatment. Now, his girlfriend is livid, her mother is a little happier, and her father is mad. But still nobody says anything. Steve admits defeat, and sits back down. Suddenly, the sky turns black and it starts to rain heavily. Remembering his motorbike, Steve grabs his vaseline and stands up. His girlfriends father jumps to his feet screaming "okay okay I'll do the fucking dishes!!!!!"

**Bikkie** · 18th September 2018, 07:11

I was at a comedy
show the other day
and the cast wanted
the audience to start
making sex noises.
You should have seen the
look on everyone;s
face when I started
screaming...."No
uncle Pete stop!!!"

I saw a paki in the
street earlier and he
asked me the
quickest way to
hospital... ...so I
pushed thecunt
under a bus.

A clean browsing
history is the same
thing as a dirty one.

When I'm naked in
the bathroom the
shower gets turned
on.

Next week is
International
Caribbean Hairstyle
week........I'm
dreading it.

What is the
difference between a
pint of beer and a
clitoris? A clitris
only tastes like piss
for a second.

I keep confusing
homophodia and
claustrophobia...
...which one is scared
of being in a closet?

It would be horrific if
farting was
contagious like
yawning.

I lost a sexual
endurance
competition I came
first.

**Bikkie** · 21st September 2018, 07:02

I've been taking
viagra for my
sunburn.It doesn't
make it go away or
anything but it keeps
the sheets off of my
legs.

A girl at the nightclub
kissed me and
whispered,"I
do doggy syle." I
thought,"Where the
fuck am I going to
find a swimming
baths that's open."

Ever deam about
looking like a rich and
famous rock star?
Simply look at your
own reflection in the
back of a tablespoon
and....hey presto
Pete Townshend.