What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

I asked my five year
old daughter what
she wanted for her
birthday."I want
unicorns,rainbows
and fairies." She
giggled.Ok.LSD it is
then.

So as men we have
penises that lookk like
melted candles but
women get
something cool,as
their pussies look like
the fucking predator.

[Bikkie]

Just a reminder,the clocks go
forward an hour this weekend.
Unless you're a Muslim.In that
case you need to wind yours forward
700 years.

Mick rings Paddy and says,
"The clocks go forward this weekend."
Paddy replies,"They always fucking go forward."

[Bikkie]

A bloke knocked on
my door this morning
and said,"Could you
spare 5 minutes to do
an opinion poll?" I
replied,"Sorry mate,
my opinion isn't in at
the moment,she's at
work."

It's been said gambling
destroys lives,well I
don't know,it's
brought me and my
family closer together.
We now all live in a
bedsit.

My wife said,"You
never see things from
my point of view." I
said,"What the fuck
are you talking
about? only
yesterday I looked
out the kitchen
window."

A doctor on TV this
morning said the way
to inner peace is to
finish all the things
you have started.So I
looked around my
house to see things I
hadn't finished so I
have managed to
finish off a bottle of
Merlot,a bottle of
Chardonnay a bottle
of Baileys,a packet
of Pringles tha
mander of Prozic
and valiuminiun
scriptions the rest of
the cheesecake and a
box of chocletz.Yu haf
no idr how bludy
fablus I feel rite now.

Went to my female
boss today and asked
would she mind if I
had an advance.She
said,that would be
fine.So I placed my
hand on her upper
thigh.

What's the difference
between Donald
Trump and a Flying
pig? The letter F.

A black man went for
a job interview at a
local shop.The
manager says,"We're
looking for someone
responsible." "I'm
your guy." replies the
black man."In my last
job when money
went missing from
the till they said I was
responsible."

[Bikkie]

Geoffrey Hayes from
Rainbow has died,"I
don't remember the
guy being in the band,"
said Ritchie Blackmore

[Bikkie]

I've only got three
records in my
collection.Two by
Meatloaf and one
by Michael Jackson.So two
out of three ain't
Bad.

My girlfriend
winked at me and
said she wanted
me to completely
humilate her in
bed!..sio I bought
her some
Warriors pyjams

DIABETICS: Mary
Poppins does not
have your best
interests at heart.

If my balls came
out on the lottery,
my career as a TV
presenter will be
in ruins.

They told me I'd
never be any good
at poetry because
I'm dyslexic but
so far I've made 2
jugs and a vase!

I have an identical
twin brother we
are very alike and
very close.We
even finish each
other's sentences,
which is nice as
he's now serving
30 years for that
robbery I committed.

If I could take
Abba out to lunch
I would,my
friend,for Nandos.

Paul McCartney
was pissed off
when he found out
his new wife
spends twice as
much on shoes as
his last one.

John is walking
through the Red
Light District when
he notices
prostitues all
standing at individual
windows that look
out onto the
street.In one
particular window
standing there is the most
gorgeous woman
John has ever
seen.
Being curious,he decides
to go over and
knocks on the
window to get the
prostitutes
attention."How
much?" He asks.
"$50" she replies,
John stands there
surprised and
replies,"That's
fucking good for
double glazing."

I'm gonna start a
leaf clearing
business.I'll be
raking it in.

[Bikkie]

Dire Straits are looking
for an agent in the
Middle East.They should
check out Qatar Geoege...He
knows all the Kurds.

Mark Knopfler
comes home
carrying a large
picture frame and
a bag of chips.
His missus says,
"What've you
been up to?" He
replies,"I was at
the Auction
House and got a
rare French
Impressionist
painting and I got
you something
from the chippy
on the way
home" "How
much have you
spent this time?" "Fuck
all" says Mark."I
got the Monet for
nothing and the
chips for free"

My brother is a big
prog rock and
loves the band
YES.In the 70's
and 80's he
actually asked Jon
Anderson the lead
singer to fart into a
bottle and cork it
so he could sell it
one day..He's
kept it down in his
cellar for years,He
was sorting some
junk out,and he
heard a muffled
voice coming from
the bottle,"You
haven't been to
see me for years,
leaving me on my
own down here
you selfish twat"
He's....The owner
of a lonely fart.

Sting was on an
expedition in
Kenya with some
planet saving
mates.They came
across a deep
ravine.One of the
massai porters lay
down and
stretched his tall
body across the
drop and they all
used him as a
human bridge.
That gave Sting
the idea for....
walking on the
coon.

[Bikkie]

My pet mouse,Elvis
died last night.He
was caught in a trap.
New he's always on
my mind.

Why don't owls breed
in the rain? Because
it's too wet to woo.

I said to my pregnant
wife,"I bet you five
dollars,I can think of
a better name for our
child,than you can"
She said,"Lets call it
a tenner..." I said,
"That's a fucking
stupid name."

The only diet I seen
to be able to stick to is
the one that just
involves saying no to
food "Is that enough
chips for you?" "No"

Why do flamingos
always stand with one
leg in the air?
Because if they lifted
both of them up,
they'd fall over.

I turned up to a party,
but to my horror it
turned out to be fancy
dress only.I just
opened my wallet,
pulled out a condom
and rolled it over my
nose.The host said to
me,"Who've you come
as?" I replied,"Fuck
knows."

I went up to a group
of pakistanis in the
pub last night
"Alright fellas." I said
reaching into my
pocket."I've got
twenty dollars for
hashish." "Hold on."
One of them said as
he shouted to his mate
over from the pool
table...."Hey Hahish
this guys got twenty
dollars for you."

[Bikkie]

Bloody Foreigner,coming
over here,demanding to
know what love is.

There's a brilliant
programme on
channel 4 tonight
about doggy-style
sex.If you miss it,
you can watch it
on all 4's.

My dog sat
watching the
orchestra play,he
was staring at the
conductor and I
could see what he
was thinking...."For
fucks sake...Just
throw the fucking
thing."

Me and my
girlfriend were
talking names for
our baby.She said,
"I want something
original!" I said
"How about
Werthers?"

Jon Bon Jovi
wanted to be the
face of a new
healthy eating
campaign
promoting eggs in
France,however
the French
goverment
refused saying
"You give L'ouef a
bad name."

70's band 10cc
allegedly took
their name from
the amount of
ejaculant a bloke
dispenses when
he shoots his load.
If they were
forming today and
went through my
browsing history
they would be
called 50cc

90% of being
married is
shouting
"WHAT?" from
other rooms.

[Bikkie]

I've been selling
my sperm to
childless couples
and a couple of
lesbians paid me
for some recently.
After delivering it
to them,I got an
e-mail from them
saying,"You're
delivered a pint!!!!
How many times
did you have to
masturbate to do
that? What were
you thinking?" "I
was thinking of
you two" I said
"And just the
once."

Song at the labour
conference to the
tune of the hokey
cokey.You put
your left wing in
Your right wing
out In out in out
That's Corbyn
without doubt.
You play the
brexit hokey Then
you turn around
then fuck it all
about.Whoar do
the brexit hokey
Whoar do the
brexit hokey
Its-an utter
fucking jokey Has
bent Facts
stretched Blah
blah blah.

If I was a plastic
surgeon I would
put a squeaky toy
in each breast
transplant.

I asked the wife if
she was in the
mood,"which
particualar fucking
mood are you
referring to?" she
snapped at me.I
guess that was no
then.

That dachshund of
mine has been a
right cunt today.
I'll get my own
back though,I'm
going to give him
a viagra half an
hour before his
walk.

Married woman
are more fulfilled
with their lives
than single
women,a new
study shows....or
vice versa
depending on their
fucking mood.

[Bikkie]

This is for the
trekkies...In the
original star trek,
captain kirk was a
womanising white
alpha male,then
as we move
through time,
reflecting our
times Pickard a
white pc male.
Then on DSG
captain Sisko a
black man,
voyagers captain
Janeway a white
woman,we had a
blip with captain
Archer,startrek
enterprise back to
the white alpha
male.The new
series of star-trek
discovery has an
asian woman as
captain Philippa
Georgio with the
main character
being a black
woman called
Michael Burnham?
Forget that
klingons started
off as tapioca
faced gypsies..my
point is this
haven't counsellor
Troi and 7 of 9 got
cracking tits.

Lost for centuries.
Volume 2
of the Irish Dancing
Manual has finally
been rediscovered!
It's entitled "How To
Move The Arms.

I used to play the
triangle in a Raggae
band.I just stood at
the back doing my
own ting!!!!

[Bikkie]

I was on a plane
recently and the
stewardess said
that in the event
of an accident I
had to stick my
head between my
legs.I couldn't
help thinking,"If I
could do that I
wouldn't be flying
to Thailand in the
first place."

The wife wanked
me off with her
toes under the
table at a dinner
party.I secretly
flimed it on my
phone.Lovely bit
of footage.

It's inronic the first
thing blacks buy
when they get
money is a chain
to put round their
neck,they miss
the good old days
as much as we do.

Just been on a
diabetes awareness
website and it
asked me if I
accept cookies.Is
that a trick
question?

I bought my
obsessive
compulsive mate a
picture of the
Leaning Tower Of
Pisa for his
birthday.He's
going fucking nuts
trying to hang it
straight.

I'm watching
Australian Surviovr
and thinking where is
a suicide bomber
when you need
one.

I used to be very
naive sexually.
My first girlfriend
asked me to do
missionary and I
fucked off to
Africa for six
months.

[Bikkie]

A single sperm has
37.5 Megabit of
information in its
DNA.An
ejaculation
represents a data
transfer of
approximately
1,587.5 Tarabit of
information.I
know this could be
a lot of
information for
some feminists to
swallow.

God made man
before woman
because he didn't
need any advice
before doing it!

Think this woman
in town really
fancied me earlier,
she said,"Excuse
me gorgeous,do
you know where
specsavers is?"

Not surprised that
Leen Henry is
willing to pay for a
good night sleep
at a premier Inn
After years of
waking up at the
crack Dawn.

I just met Bruce
Lee's vegan
brother? Brocco
Lee.

I entered a
blindfold
masturbation
contest last night...
Fuck knows where
I came!

Women don't
marry men for
their money.They
divorce men for
their money.

Life consists of
avoiding people
you have seen
naked..while
trying to find
new people to
see naked.

Last night I was
reminiscing of
when I was
young,I spent all
of my time
playing xbox,
watching porn
and masturbating.
A lot has changed
since then,I have
a playstation
now.

[Bikkie]

Black Friday is more like
Hunger Games and the
winner gets $10 off a
toaster.

EVERY day is "Black Friday"
if you're a
Kadashian.

What did Nala tell
Simba after seeing a
herd of women on Black
Friday? You gotta
Mufasa.

Just been sent home
from work coz
apparently I
misunderstood Black
Friday.Cost me a
fucking fortune in shoe
polish too!!!

Black Friday is a scam.You
should be mad they
overcharge you 364 days a
year.

What flies faster than items off
the rack on Black Friday?
Credit card payment slips!

Why is Donald Trump getting
rid of Black Friday?
Because he wants an all White
Christmas.

I miss the good old days when
Black Friday was ACTUALLY
on Friday.

[jasonu]

Black Friday is more like
Hunger Games and the
winner gets $10 off a
toaster.

EVERY day is "Black Friday"
if you're a
Kadashian.

What did Nala tell
Simba after seeing a
herd of women on Black
Friday? You gotta
Mufasa.

Just been sent home
from work coz
apparently I
misunderstood Black
Friday.Cost me a
fucking fortune in shoe
polish too!!!

Black Friday is a scam.You
should be mad they
overcharge you 364 days a
year.

What flies faster than items off
the rack on Black Friday?
Credit card payment slips!

Why is Donald Trump getting
rid of Black Friday?
Because he wants an all White
Christmas.

I miss the good old days when
Black Friday was ACTUALLY
on Friday.

Must try harder...

[Bikkie]

"And just fucking
remember,I wear
the trousers in this
house not you,
now get my
fucking tea made."
"Talk to me like
that again you cunt
and you can lick
your own pussy,
I'll fuck off to my
mums." I love it
when I can hear
the lesbians next
door fighting.

After making them
for 60 years,
Kleenex have been
forced to stop
calling tissues
"Man size" after
complaints of
sexism by
feminists.They
are being
rebranded "Free
internet porn size."

I met my sons
teacher last night,
she was working
her second job.It's
disgraceful that
in 2018 teachers
have to work
another job to
make ends meet.
They're underpaid,
overworked and
pillars of the
community.So
anyway I'm doing
my part.I gave
her an extra $50
for bareback.

On average most
men have sex 3 to
4 times a week
ecept for Eskimos
they're lucky if
they have it twice
a year.This news
is distressing and
came as somewhat
of a shock to me
as I had no idea I
was an Eskimo.

Trump says the
Saudias are rubbish
at covering things
up.I'm not so
sure.Stiching a
tea towel on your
head is still
marginually better
than a comb over.

Tail of mouse,Eye
of cat,Head of
newt and wing of
bat.Tongue of
toad,Ear of dog.
skin of snake and
leg of frog.No,it's
not a witches
potion,it's
the reasons the
council shut down
our local KFC shop.