What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

My mate's a right
fuckwit.I asked
him if he'd like to
see the forest
where Dick Turpin
spent much of his
time.He said,"Sure
would." I said,"No
that's Robin Hood
you thick cunt."

HOUSEWIVES:
Save money on
expensive
technology
gadgets by
changing your
name to Alexa and
obeying random
instructions from
everyone in your
household.

Humpty Trumpty
built a big Wall
None of the
snowflakes liked
that at all.They
petitioned the
papers but they
blamed "toxic
men." And so
Humpty Trumpty
got elected again.


A world without
adjectives....
would be hard to
describe.

I've just met a
girl who's shit at
multiple choice
tests.She ticks all
the boxes.

First Date: Her:
Lets exchange
numbers. Me:
Won't that confuse
people who are
trying to call us?

[Bikkie]

Man city vs Burton
Burtons goal net
had more balls
slapping against it
than Katie Price's
arse.

Apparently Juile
Andrews will no
longer be
endorsing Rimmel
Vibrant Shades
lipstick,as she
claims it breaks
too easliy and
makes her breath
smell.In a
statement she said
"The super colour
fragile lipstick
gives me
halitosis!"

A friend asked if
I'd like to go
drag racing,heck
I can't even walk
never mind run in
high heels.

Behind every great
woman is a man
who'd love to do
her doggy style.

In 2021,IP data
traffic worlwide is
expected to reach
278,108
petabytes per
month.Or 10
petabytes if they
exclude all the
porn.

[Bikkie]

Article in todays
paper: Why do so
many Mormons back
Trump? I think I've
spotted a typo in
there.

I'll never understand
those liberal hippy
types.First they tell
me nudity is a
perfectly natural state
and not sinful.Then
they tell me
masturbation is
perfectly natural
behaviour and not
sinful.But as soon as
I start cracking one
off at the nudist
beach,they're
straight on the phone
to the cops.

To the women who
say,"Men are only
interested in one
thing." Have you ever
considered being more
interesting?

The N.H.S has bought
out a glossy new
magazine for
Alzheimer's sufferes
and their families.It's
called Vague.

Had shit sex with the
wife again last night,it
was like Eleanor
Rigbys funeral
Nobody came.

My son is at that age
when he's started
crawling.You know
the age."You're the
best dad.Can I have a
tenner?"

I just vaped so hard
they elected a new
pope.

It might be a well used
football cliche but it's
true....You'll never win
anything with Yids.

What do you call a
self-combusting
Muslin? An
overachiever.

I was going to put a
joke on here about
carpentry.But I didn't
think it wood
work........

What's the difference
between Theresa May
and a prostitute? A
prostitute will fuck the
rich as welll,as the
poor.

Say what you like
about the Queen but
she's always on the
money.

[240]

Bro...been looking at your jokes, no offence but I dont think many here know half the names of the references you are using here.Umm i think you need to :Kiwi" ize them or something.
Dont stop though at least some make sense and are funny.

[Bikkie]

"I've discovered the
problem with your
car." my mechanic
said,"It's a Ford."

You may need to
pratice a few times to
get this trick right.
Press the left end of
your left eyebrow up
and press the centre
of the right eyebrow
up and slightly to the
right.Now look in the
mirror and you will see
the creases on your
forehead spell MUG.

I went to see my
doctor the other day.
I said,"That hemorrhoid
cream you prescribed
me,I applied it the
other day as you
directed and I got
a very angry reaction to
it." He asked,"Where
exactly did you apply
it?" I replied,"When
I was going home on
the bus."

Yank: FBI agent
Brit: MI5 agent
Russian: KGB agent
Pakistani: News agent!!....

A patent has been
granted for a bra
that falls off when
you clap your hands.
Weird,I
remember the
days when you
got the clap after
the bra was off.

I've just been
watching a pair of
blue tits in the
garden.I told the
daft bint it was
too cold for
sunbathing!

[Bikkie]

The band Starship
were in Liverpool
recently meeting
single mothers and
were inspired to
rewrite one of their
most famous songs.
"We built this city
on cock and dole."

"Rihana sues father for
fraudulenty using her
name to promote his
firm"
I'm surprised.Most
black girls don't
know who their fathers
are.

Mariah Carey's sueing
her former PA for secretly
filming videos of her.
She said they would be
extremely damaging
if released,although
the lawsuit does not
give further information
as to what the content is.
Pornhub has expressed an
interest,stating their
viewers would love them.
I didn't know pornhub
had a music section.

The police stopped me
and demanded to know
why I had 20 sticks of
dyamite,and a device that
was clearly a detonator...I
broke down and confessed..."I
snatched a Muslim woman's
handbag!"

I was looking at the pencils
in our local stationery store
when I said to the owner, "2b
or not 2b?" "Think your funny?"
he said to me,"Get out you're
bard."

Just had some twat ask me
the way to the mental hospital.
Bloody asylum seeker.

So upskirting is made illegal
huh? I'm gonna start
downblousing then!!!

[Bikkie]

Archduke Franz Ferdinand
and Prince Phillip.
The Dukes Of hazard.

I'm not putting on a tin
foil hat here,but a week
before Abraham Lincoln
was shot he was in Monroe
Maryland and a week before
John F Kennedy was shot
he was in Marilyn Monroe.

My wife is leaving me
because of my obsession
with The Beatles and she
has fucked off to the
Isle of wight.
Yeah,she's got a ticket
to Ryde.

Whenever I talk about
rim job,it's
just tongue in cheek.

A queer goes into a
chemist and says,
"Could I have a jar
of vaseline please"
The chemist says,
"Is it for cold sores?"
The queer replied,"No
it's for chaps."

I've just tried some
of of the Elvis Costello's
new Medteranean sauages.
They were wonderful.I
think olive salami
is here to stay.


A church notice reads:
"The box named FOR THE
SICK" is for monetary
contributions only.

"chef,darf ich
heute zwei stunden
fruher schluss machen?
Meine Fray will
mit mir einkaufen
gehen." "Kommt
ger nicht in Frage."
"vielen Donk chef,ich
wussle,sie wurden mich
micht im stich lassen."
( This one's for the mods )
For those of us who don't
speak German.
"Boss,may I break up two
hours earlier today? My
wife wants to go
shopping with me."
# "It's out of the question."
"Thank you boss.I knew
you wouldn't let me down."

[Bikkie]

The Who have announced
their first tour for
decades.They had to wait
for the support act
ST.Winifred's choir to
age enough to appear with
Pete Townsend.

What is the difference
between a raven and
a crow? Ravens have
seventeen wing feathers
with the end feather
called a pinion,in
contrast to crows having
only sixteen wing feathers.
Therefore it is just a matter
of a pinion.

Give a woman food,she
will make you a meal,
Give a woman a house,
she will make it a home.
Give a woman love,and
she will repay you in kind.
Give a woman marriage and she
will make your life
a fucking misery.

A DVD is soon to
be released of
Susan Boyle losing
her viginity.
"Popping The Boyle"
wiil be available
at all good retailers.

What does pussy
and a fried egg
have in common?
Your taste buds
will let you know
if they're been
laid that day.

What do you call a
scottish woman who's
having a heavy period?
Morag.

[Bikkie]

londonderry car bomb ISIS
( Islamic State In Sligo )
have claimed resonsibilty.

When I die I want
to be buried with
some bronze
arrowheads and
my car keys,just
to piss
archaeologists off
years from now.

How do deaf
people hear their
own thoughts?

Famous moments that marked a
major change in a persons life:
"Gimme those binoculars,I want
to watch the solar eclipse!"
( Stevie Wonder )

"What's a female Muslims
favourite clothing?" "Dunno"
"A black bin liner."
"That's sack religious."

[Bikkie]

Decorated the toilet walls with
mirrored tiles instead of the floral
patterned tiles my wife chose.
She's normally a moody bitch but
this time she's seen her arse.

Paul McCartney has decided to
admit he's getting older and stop
colouring his hair and has been
spotted with his new grey mop top.
Before he got dye with a little
help from his friends.Now it's
can't dye me love.

I thought to myself "I need
to get my life in order."
So I went to the homless
shelter,they gave me a hot meal
and a bed for the night.
Then I went to the animal
shelter,adopted a new dog
to keep me company on the long
cold nights.But when I went to
the woman's shelter,to pick
up a new girlfriend
I'm called a misogynist.

This might be an old one
but I hadn't heard it
before,told by my mate,a
carpenter,when we were
talking about workmanship.
"Yea," he said,"I got the
sack once for being just
two mil out!" "That was
a bit harsh," I said."It
was ok" he said,"I didn't
really want to be an
accountant anyway."

( found on net )

I have recently been
employed as a nightwatchman
by a security firm owned
by my ex girlfriend.
My wife is furious that I
still carry a torch
for her.

Hooray for the weekend.
Time to do all those
jobs around the house
that she didn't bother
with the whole week when
I was at work,but suddenly
need doing when I have
days off.

[Bikkie]

Just been
watching a lesbian
porn 3D Blu-ray
on my HD TV.For
added affect I put
2 open cans of
tuna on the
radiator,it's like
I'm in the room!

My gay next door
neighour's a right
cunt he said,"You
can tell a lot about
a person by their
dog and yours is
an ugly stupid
mongel isn't it?"
I said,"I agree,I
see you and your
boyfriend couldn't
find a faggot
hound so you've
settled on a brown
cockerpoo."

I went up to a girl
in the club last
night and said,
"That's a nice
dress.Do you
know what it
would look even
better on?" "Let
me guess," she
sighed,"Your
bedroom floor?"
"No," I replied,"A
better looking
girl"

2016 BMW M4 for
sale.Good
condition.
Indicators only
used twice.

I got an e-mail advertising
guaranteed penis enlargement
for $1.99.
I clicked the link entered
my details and the
bastards stole my identity
and cleaned out my bank
account.
Still it sort of worked.
I feel a massive prick now.

I've just had a quote from
shakespeare insurance
about my crashed Toyota.
I think they have written
it off.
"Alas poor Yaris,I
knew him well."

I told my wife she had a
tight cunt but no tits.
She replied,"Get off
my back."

Mat of mine bought a dog.
He said it was vicious as
fuck and tried to bite
anyone.
I said muzzle him.He said,
probably but I didn't
think dogs were religious.

[Bikkie]

To my knowlege
there has been only
Eleven times in
history where the F
word has been
consided acceptable
for use:
11.What the fuck do you mean
we're sinking?-Captain
E.J.Smith of RMS
Titanic,1912
10.What the fuck was
that?-Mayor of
Hiroshima,1945
9.Where did all these
fucking Indians come
from?-Custer,1877
8.Any fucking idiot
could understand
that-Einstein,1938
7.It does fucking
look like her!-Picassco,1926
6.How the fuck did
you work that out?-Pythagoras,126BC
5.You want WHAT on
the fucking ceiling?-Michaelangelo,1566
4.Scattered fucking showers,my
arse!-Noah,4314BC
3.AW c'mon.Who the fuck
is going to find out?-Bill Clinton,1999
2.Geez,I didn't think they'd
get this fucking mad-Saddam Hussein-2003
1.Just get that fucking
handrail fixed-Robert Maxwell,1991

What's the difference between
Everton and a cup of tea? The
tea stays in the cup longer!

The Toffees crashed out to
lowly Millwall.What a FACup.

How do you spot a blind guy on
a nude beach? It's not hard.

Sperm banks are places people
go for hand made babies.

[Bikkie]

The cast of Black Panther took
home a host of prizes from the
Screen Actors Guild awards last
night.As some stupid fucker
left the cloakroom unguarded.

I saw a Flock of
seagulls tribute
band last night.
Called A Murder Of
Crows.

The dog stood
in the lounge with
a hard on doing an
air fuck and the
missus said,"Oh
bless.What does
he look like?"
Then I remembered
Theresa May's
African dancing.

Fifteen years ago
the internet was
an escape from the
real world.Today
the real world is
the escape from
the internet.

My girlfriend
phoned me up
today."I've got
some KY Jelly.Do
you fancy some
backdoor fun
later?" Brilliant I
can't wait to see
her mums face
when she tries
opening the door
after I've smeared
the handle with it.


I got pulled over
by the police last
night,as I wound
down the window,
the officer said,
"Good evening sir,
and drugs or
alcohol?" To which
I stupidly replied,
"Yeah what you
got?"

They say if you
want to find a drug
dealer,walk into a
pub and look for
the ugliest bastard
with the fittest
bird.Right,I need
some coke,does
anyone know
which is Ed
Sheerans local?

My Lesbian neighbours
Eva and Julia asked
me to help them
conceive a child
recently.They said
they wouldn't mind if
we did it the "old
fashioned way" as
they weren't men
haters! For six
months now we've
been trying but I just
don't have the heart
to tell them I had a
vasectomy last year?

[Bikkie]

Two Hillbillies walk
into a restaurant.
While having a bite to
eat,they talk about
their moonshine
operation.Suddenly,a
woman at a nearby
table,who is eating a
sandwich,beings to
cough.After a minute
or so it becomes
apparent that she is in
real distress.One of
the hillbillies looks at
her and says,"Kin ya
swallar?" The woman
shakes her head no.
Then he asks,"Kin Ya
breathe?" The woman
begins to turn blue and
shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over
to the woman,lifts up
her dress.Yanks down
her knickers,and
quickly gives her right
butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.The
woman is so fucking
shocked that she has a
violent spasm,and the
obstruction flies out of
her mouth.As she
begins to breathe
again,the hillbilly
walks slowly back to
his table.His partner
says,"Ya know,I'd
heard of that there
"Hind Lick Maneuver"
but I aint never seed
nobody do it!"

Why did Moses and
the jews wander in
the desert for 40
years searching?
Because one of them
had dropped 20c.

When you see a
bunch of niggers line
up in a race at the
olympics,you know
they are all gonna be
fast.Because all the
slow ones are in jail.

Two women were
talking.One said,"Do
you look at your
husband's face when
you're having sex?"
The other replied
"I did once and he
ended up beating the
shit out of me" "Why
was that?" asked the
first woman.The other
replied "Because he was
outside looking through
the fucking window."

During labour a
nurse came up to my
wife and I and said
"Have you thought
about Epidural
Anesthesia?" I said..
"Thanks but we've
already picked a
name!"

[Bikkie]

I found a magic lamp and
wished for a cock loke an
elephant's trunk.It's a hit with
all the ladies but I can't go in a
bakery without stealing all
the buns.

Swinging by for the super bowl
Means something completely
different at Snoop Dogg's
house.

If the stork is the bird of
births...Then the swallow must
be the bird of birth control?

My daughter said
"Will you drive my
hamster to the vets?"
I did too....I've got a
wicked good swing
with a golf club.

"Yes we have
reservations..but we'll
eat here
anyway!"...What I say
to every greeting
waiter/waitress in a
restaurant!

How to start an
argument online!
1.Express an opinion
2.Wait

My thought for the day!
Pissflaps-Is it
just one word,or
should I spread them
apart?