What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Today is
Independence
Day in the U.S.On
being informed of
this,Donald
Trump
summoned Jeff
Goldblum and
Will Smith to
report to the
pentagon
immediately.

I took the family
to a zoo at the
weekend and got
arrested for
public indecency.
As we walked
past the
chimpanzee
enclosure,one of
the cheeky
simians threw a
trud at my wife.I
started laughing,
and she raged,
"Why don't you
go in there and
spank the
monkey?"

Be careful with
the John Denver
voiced navman.It
will only take you
home via country
roads.

I haven't had a
wank for a week.
I'm simply not
feeling myself.

I fancied this
woman in a bar
last night and she
promised to take
me home with
her,if I could
undress her with
a few words.I
said,"There's a
fucking spider in
your bra."

My local gallery
has an exhibition
of art composed
by shetland
ponies,mainly
pencil sketches of
cars,lorries and
vans.My mate
said,"They are
shit." I replied
"That's harsh
mate,it must be
hard to hold a
pencil with hooves.
I think
they're pretty
good for horse
drawn vechiles."

To the person
who stole my
glasses.I will find
you.I have
contacts...

[husaberg]

A couple are in the cinema sitting happily till the young lady turns and says:

"John, the fella next to me is having a wank"

"Jesus Christ, the dirty fucker. Come on we'll move"

"I can't he's using my hand"



Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...



Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A: They're both hunting for dead beaver.



How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Give it a blowjob



Little Johnny comes home from school when he heard some noise upstairs.

He went up to investigate & discovered that it was coming from his parents room. He opened the door to see his Dad on top of his Mam shagging away &, the father realising his son was watching threw a pillow at him & told him to 'Fuck off!'

Two days later the Dad comes in from work & hears a noise upstairs.......

He went up to investigate & the noise seemed to be coming from little Johnny's room. He opened the door & here was little Johhny up on top of his Nan shagging away. The Dad left out a scream. Johnny looks around, throws a pillow at the Dad & says 'Ah fuck off, you're not so smart when it's your own Mam are ya?'



What does George Michael have in common with a wellington boot?

Both get sucked off in bogs.

[Bikkie]

I can't see why
female linesman
and referees
could be any
worse than the
idoits we have
now.I mean if
there is
something
women are good
at,it is pointing
out mistakes
made by men.

I was staying in a
hotel last night,
I phoned down
to reception."Hi,
this is room 26
can I have a
wake up call
please?" she said
"Yes,you're in
your mid 30s,
single,live with
your mother and
have achieved
nothing in life!"

I remember my
teacher telling
me that looking
out of the
window wouldn't
get me
anywhere.Did I
have a smug look
on my face later
on in life when I
handed him his
burger and fries
at the drive
through.

A bloke walks
into a pet shop
and places a
bomb on the
counter and says,
"You've got one
minute to get
out," a tortoise in
the back shouts
"You bastard!"

"If Batman who
is a regular
human but with
gadgets teamed
up with
superman,who
has supernatural
powers,and they
fought against
Ironman,another
regular human
with gadgets,
who teamed up
with Thor,who
has super powers,
who would be the
winner?" "Your
parents when you
move out."

A woman has
sued a hospital
stating that after
a recent
operation,her
husband had lost
interest in sex.
The surgeon
replied "All we
did was restore
his eyesight."

I was just waiting
for my sister at
Heathrow airport,
as I saw her
emerge in
arrivals I shouted
"Hi sis."...Fuck
me,never seen
as many armed
police appear as
quickly in my
life!

Just seen a sign
"Turkey $29" in
the bucthers
window......That's
$300 cheaper than
Thomas Cook.

My wife can't find
her hair clips but
she remembers
what I said 6
months ago at
5.30pm.

A farm horse gets
stuck in a muddy
hole in a field he
shouts to the
chickens to get
the farmer to pull
him out.The
farmer is away so
one of the
chickens drives
the farmers
ferrari over ropes
up the horse and
pulls him to
safety..A few
days later,a
chicken falls in
the mud hole.
The chicken yells
to the horse to
go and get some
help from the
farmer.The horse
says,"Grab for my
dick and pull
yourself up," the
chicken does and
pulls himself out
to safety.And
the moral of the
story is,If you are
hung like a horse,
you don't need a
ferrari to pick up
chicks!

[Bikkie]

I got home from
the pub a bit
pissed with my
mate Dave and
my wife was still
dressed in
very seductive
underwear.I
looked at her and
licked my lips.
"Do you fancy a
hot sandwich
with me and
Dave here?" she
blushed a little
and replied,"Yes
ok then,I'm up
for it," "Brilliant,"
I said,"There
bacon and egg it
is then."

M y mate told me
he thinks my
mind has been
warped by porn
acronyms,so he
recommended I
pop to the ATM,
enrol on a CBT
course and give
an interview to
the BBC.I fail to
see how having
ass to mouth
followed by
cock and ball
torture whilst
speaking to a big
black cock is
going to help,but
I'll give it a go.

You have got to
admire Boris
Johnson,2 marriages,
3 alleged
mistresses,4 kids,
1 apparant
lovechild and 1
alleged abortion
and he still found
time not to take
cocaine..

I wanna be there
when karma
dry fucks
your ass
with a cactus.


knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock

FUCKING YES!!!!!
A rare tape
recording of
woody
woodpeckers
first wank.....

"If yes is the
answer,what is
the question?"
asked my wife
with a twinkle in
her eye."I know
this," I
answered,"does
my bum look big
in this?"

M y mate asked
me when I last
had a decent
blowjob "2015"
I said."Fuck
that's ages ago,"
he laughed "No it
isn't," I said,"it's
only half eight
now."

I'm surprised the
gay version of
Tinder wasn't
called Timber.
It's full of wood
that eventually
comes down with
something.

Went up to watch
the highland
games in scotland
saw Quinten Crisp
being chucked
out.Apparently
you're only
allowed to toss
your own caber.

[Bikkie]

The women's
world cup ended
and it broke a
record for highest
nutmeg in a
competition....another
proof that women
love balls in
between their
legs.

I love Wimbledon
fortnight.The
sweaty,clinging
clothes showing
stiff nipples,the
tigt arse-cheeks,
all the grunting.
It's a total
wankfest.Some
of the women
aren't bad either.

I for one applaud
Disney for
making the new
Ariel black And
look forward to
them showing
consistency and
making
pocahontas
white.

I was swimming
in the sea this
morning.
Somebody
shouted,"shark!"
I really shouldn't
do backstroke.

[Bikkie]

METRO: Gay
championship star
preparing to be
the first
professional
footballer to
come out.My
money is on Lee
Camp for
Birminghan.

[Bikkie]

R.I.P Torn

It has come out
that the real
reason for
Meghan not
wanting to be
photographed at
wimbledon had
nothing to do
with priracy.It
had to do with
the fact that she
and her people
still believe that
cameras will steal
their souls.

Paddy says to
Mick.."That's a
shame about that
young Afronaut
dying,he could
have been the
first black man to
walk on the
moon." "Don't be
daft ya thick
cunt" says
Mick..."Have you
never heard of
Louis
Armstrong?"

Stoner thought of
the day: Each
time you light
your lighter your
lighter gets
lighter until your
lighter gets so
light it wont light.

The less a person
knows,the more
they think they
know.Or as my
wife calls it
women's
intuition.

People that
practice for
staring
competitions
need to take a
good long look at
themselves in the
mirror.

People who love
reading the daily
tabloid
newspapers need
to take a long
hard look in the
Mirror.

The Dyson
Airblade.....
Messiet urinal
ever!

I once went on a
date with a girl
who didn't
swallow.Fucking
soup everywhere.

I've just won the
15th game of
Rock,Paper,
Scissors in a row
against my
lesbian
neighbour.
Predictable bitch.

[husaberg]

[Bikkie]

I joined last
weeks pride
march in support
of gay rights,I
waited for it to
pass and merged
in at the back..
Last thing you
want is all those
fucking benders
behind you.

Toddlers are
quite similar to
James Cameron's
Terminator...
They can't be
bargained with.
They can't be
reasoned with.
They don't feel
pity,or remorse,
or fear.And they
absolutely,will
not stop ever,
until you are
dead.

The new church
I've started is
doing brilliantly,
mainly because
we welcome all
denominations.
Fives,tens,
twenties,
whatever they've
got.

If someone is
10% polish does
that make them a
tad pole?

It isn't gender
sexuality or race
that separates us
It's people who
can take a joke
and people who
can't.

"I can't talk," said
my American
mate."I've just
jumped a
Greyhound."
Totally different
fucking language.

Walkin through
china town and
I'm not sure if I
just heard the
commentary for
the long sprint
or a gay porn.
"Sum Yun Gy
Followed by Fu
Kum Yung with
Wan Kin and Po
Kin in the rear!

We chugged
slowly into the
garage,and I told
the mechanic
"I've gone into
Limp Mode." He
looked at my
wife and said
"I'm not
surprised."

Eating a furry
peach brings back
great memories
of the days of
munching on
hairy growlers.

When you think
about it,'Hotel
California' is just
a bad 'Trip
Advisor' review
with a three
minute guitar
solo.

I was having
dinner at my
girlfriend's house
for the first time.
"Can I use your
bathroom?" I
asked."Sure,but
could you use the
can of air
freshener?" said
her mother
jokingly.Really
strange,but I
managed to fit all
the poo into the
bottle.

I wish it was my
wife I was
saying "What a
tight cunt" to
rather than my
bank manager.

[husaberg]

Why did everyone stop to watch the blacksmith work?




Because he was riveting

[Bikkie]

Life Tip: Drink ten
pints of water a
day and you will
be too busy
pissing to give a
fuck about what
the wife is
moaning about.

As hard as I try,
I just can not
come up with a
decent rap joke.I
think it's time
2pac it in.

"I get confused
between Mel B
AND Mel C in the
Spice Girls." "It's
easy-Mel Black
and Mel Chav."

Rats multiply so
quickly that in 18
months,two rats
could have over a
million
decendants.
Blimy,they're
giving Muslins a
run for their
money.

I had to go into
the west end
earlier today,and
I was wearing an
old Ritchie
Blackmore's
Rainbow t-shit
from the 70s that
I dug out of the
warddrobe.
Fucking Hell! I
had no idea
how popular he
still is.You
wouldn't believe
the amont of
cheers and
whistles I got
just walking up
the road.

This farmer was
telling me about
how brilliant his
sheepdog was at
maths,"Watch
this," he said.
"Shep,what's
seven plus two."
he said,and the
dog barked ten
times."Ok,shep,
what's fifteen
plus four."And
the dog barked
twenty times.
"He's very good,"
I replied,but
he's a little over."
"Yeah,"
answered the
farmer,"old
habits die hard,
he's just rounding
them up."

Shagging the
wife,I asked her
to moan for me.
"Sure,: she
grinned."Put
those fucking
shelves up." I
glanced down and
thought "Yep,"
they'd probably
fit."

I got arrested for
telling a woman I
wanted to lick
her arsehole.The
police wouldn't
believe it was
just a tongue in
cheeks comment.

When I was at
college I always
attracted the fat
birds to our
group and as a
result my mates
used to call me
Jonah.Not
because I was
bad luck but
because I'd get
gobbled by
whales.

The worst part of
being bitten by a
poisonous spider
is that you are
probably
Australian.

Speed cameras
can also tell if
you've been
using cocaine.


Started work as a
chimney sweep
in Bangkok.It's a
Soot and Thai
job.

[Bikkie]

Prince Harry's Invictus
Games being sponsored
by Britain's biggest
arms dealer.That's
like the wife's
sex drive being
sponsored by Pornhub.

My father was a
used Ford dealer.
I guess he left his
mark IV on me.

The thing I like
most about
female
footballers is if
you slightly touch
them inside the
box they go
down easy...

If horse racing is
the sport of
Kings,is drag
racing the sport
of Queens?

Just read Steven
Tylers new
chinese cookbook.
Wok this way.

[Bikkie]

Everyone is up in
arms about the
new 007 being
played by a black
female.There's
nothing to worry
about.In my
mind.Bond is
the victim of
idenity theft
from an
ambitious nigger.
The situation is
swiftly resolved
and he's back to
shagging slags
and drinking
Martini.

So what if the
new Bond is
played by a black
woman?
It's
2019,and race
and gender don't
matter.For Fucks
sake,woman's
tennis has been
dominated by
two black
brothers for the
past 15 years.

As we speak
super villians all
over the world
are preparing
fried chicken
laced with
rohypnol upon
hearing the new
Bond may be a
black woman.

"I'll have a
chicken.Fried
not grilled."

The new 007
Licenced to stab,
and cook.

Dr no father

GOLDBLINGER
BA..NA..NAAA

007 returns
even more
badass.Licenced
to kill and use
the N word.

Ah Bond make
me a fucking
sandwich and
quick with it
bitch.

Out on licence to
kill.

"...and finally
Bond,this is M."
"sOooooooo good
to meet you M.I
loved your song."

The original Bond
film Dr No,was
filmed in London
and Jamaica in
1962,with the
evil Dr No based
on the island of
crab key.In a
nod to the
original,the new
series of Bond
will be filmed in
surrey Quays
with Dr Yo taking
on the persona of
a Yardie
operating out of a
lock-up in
Rotherhithe.
Release date of
Dr Yo estimated
as summer 2020.

Can't believe
Grace Jones is
back in the Bond
movies agian.

After casting a
'female'
macaroon to play
the new 'James'
Bond other ethnic
minorities have
started grizzling.
Therefore,to
keep the assorted
breeds happy
new casting
announcements
are as follows; M
will be played by
an unwashed
Aboriginal
hunchback....Q
will be played
by a Tibetan
bender and of
course,Miss
Moneypenny wil
be a well hung
chinese
Transvestite....meanwhile
the new
soundtrack will
be performed by
a special needs
choir from Iran!

[Bikkie]

As it is the 50th
anniversary of
the apollo
mission to the
moon today.I
was reminded of
Neil Armstrong's
quote as I
watched a man
struggling to
cross the road
and get up the curb
on the otherside
..Its one small
step for man,
one giant
obstacle for that
fat fucker on the
mobility scooter.

[Bikkie]

The New James
Bond is to be
both Black AND a
woman.I couldn't
beat that joke in
a million years.

The new James
Bond is going to
be played by a
black woman...At
least she can
brutally kill
someone,and
then clean up the
mess afterwards.


Bond 25 opening
scene: Rami
Malek releases
50 Novichok
infeasted mice
into MI6 HQ,
shouting
"DaaaYoh
darling." 007
leaps into action,
jumps on a stool
while holding a
broom screaming,
"THOMAS!"

Now Bond go and
join Q,the dole Q

"Pay attention,
Bond,this gadget
may well get you
out of a tight
spot.This
ordinary looking
handkerchief
easily turns into a
Tampon with a
simple twist."

Double D Seven.

The name is
Bond,Brook
Bond! Would you
like tea with that
fried chicken sir?
the Q is over
there sir.

Aston Martin
furious,as studio
reveals new Bond
car at Trench
Town Motors,
Streatham.1985
BMW 635c si:
tinted windows,
lowered
suspension full
body kit and
under body
lighting.It will be
known as the
Bomboclaat Irie
innit!

"The names
Bond.Jamesine
Bond Licened to
grill."

Since there is
going to be a
black Bond I
think it's only fair
we show her a
white shaft.

Bond about your
request for
maternity
leave....

The name's Bond.
Bail Bond.

To recast James
Bond as an ethnic
minority is a
travesty to the
memory of what
sir Ian Fleming
had conceived as
the suave spy.It
is ridculous to
suggest that a
black person
could play 007...
In the original
books its quite
clear that Bond is
a scottish
milkman,with a
lisp,named Sean.