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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1666
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Why did The All Blacks
    jump into the ocean?
    To play Wales. ( Whales )


    Someone suggested
    getting a stripper
    fo my wife's 60th
    birthday.What
    a fantastic idea
    that turned out to be.
    She only has the
    paper to hang.


    I hired a stripper
    for my wife;s
    birthday.She loved
    it.I was stunned when
    she got her tits
    out and rubbed them
    with baby oil!
    Then my wife said,"What
    the fuck is she
    doing here?"


    Doctor Doolittle,
    if you are reading
    this,could you pop
    round to my
    house all tell my
    neighbours dog
    to shut the
    fuck up.

  2. #1667
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "Can you change
    all my spark
    plugs?" I
    asked the
    mechanic when I
    drove into the
    garage."Are they
    Champion?" He
    replied."No mate
    they are fucked"
    I replied.


    Old Mother
    Hubbard went to
    the cupboard to
    get the postman
    a letter when
    she got there the
    cupboard was
    bare so they had
    it without.It was
    better.*Only
    really works if
    you're old
    enough to know
    condoms were
    called ( French )
    letters.


    What do we
    want? An end
    to religious
    brainwashing.
    When do we
    want it? After
    christmas.


    My wife can't tell
    the time.Every
    night I get home
    from the pub,she
    says..."What time
    do you call this?"


    At the age of 25
    I was a young
    man looking for a
    new kitchen but
    with limited
    income it wasn't
    looking affordable
    so I crunched
    some numbers
    and 30 years
    later I have a
    perfectly
    functioning
    toaster,dishwasher,
    oven and a hob all
    in one that fucks
    me and all it cost
    me was a ring.


    What did the
    'Enzyme' say to
    MC Hammer?
    Yeah man
    Break it down.


    "Go on," I said to
    my wife."Show
    me your sex
    face." "No!",she
    snarled."There, it
    wasn't so hard
    was it?"


    My wife was
    questioning why I
    went to buy
    lottery tickets
    wearing war paint
    and an Apache
    headdress.I just
    said to her,
    "Fortune favours
    the brave."


    Andrew was
    asked if he's
    shagging Fergie.
    He said yes,but
    he has to take
    turns with
    Will.I.Am.


    I was lying in bed
    with the wife this
    morning....I was
    lying to her,she
    was lying to me.


    Girls have a panic
    attack and cause
    a scene over a
    small spot.But
    hit a curb at
    60 mph and all
    they say is
    "Whoops."

  3. #1668
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "Iron Maiden
    frontman Bruce
    Dickinson 61,leaves
    wife of 29 years
    to move in with
    superfan 15 years
    his junior"
    Bruce Dick in fan.


    I was poaching
    some eggs for
    breakfast this
    morning when
    the farmer caught
    me red handed!


    I had the best
    hardcore sex ever
    last night with
    my girlfriend and
    my 2 pet labradors.
    Only joking! I don't
    even have a
    girlfriend.


    My wife said she
    wanted to try
    something new in
    the bedroom.
    Excitedly I asked
    "What do you
    want to do,make
    me wear slutty
    lingerie? Fuck
    me with a
    strapon? Piss in
    my mouth??"
    she said,"No,Oak
    wardrobes."


    I'm writing a
    sitcom in which
    four people
    named,Joey,Chandler,
    Monica and Rachel
    meet up on a Tuesday
    afternoon in a
    Rotherham Park,
    smoke dope,
    drink strong cider
    and chat about
    being unemployed.

    Working title:
    Friends With
    Benefits.

  4. #1669
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    The UK C.E.O of
    McDonald's has
    been fired.
    Putting his meat
    between the
    wrong buns
    apparently.


    My Irish
    girlfriend is a big
    fan of hurling.
    Seems like a
    waste of food to
    me but she does
    have an
    incredible figure.


    My wife said I
    make love like a
    painter.I said
    "What,like Da
    Vinci,smooth
    strokes,attention
    to detail and the
    result is a
    masterpiece?"
    She said,"No like
    the council,rush
    the job,leave a
    fucking mess and
    I have to finish it
    myself!"

  5. #1670
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Bono's wife sticks
    a banana and
    whipped cream
    up her minge
    during a period.
    He calls it a
    sundae,bloody
    sundae.


    Nicola Adams
    retires over fears
    she could lose
    her sight.Well,it
    hasn't done
    Stevie Wonder's
    career any harm.


    When launching
    my new Formula
    One magazine,I
    decided to hire
    only black people
    Due to their
    ability to turn
    absolutely
    anything into a
    race issue.


    I just entered a
    blindfold
    wanking contest,
    Didn't win,in fact
    not sure where I
    came.


    "Ooo,that should
    be interesting,"
    said my elderly
    mother when
    using Google for
    the first time."I
    can't believe how
    many women
    there are who
    love the BBC,I'll
    have to look at
    some of these
    articles.

  6. #1671
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Things were
    tense as my wife
    looked at the
    credit card
    statement and
    saw the charges I
    made to the
    "Escort Service."
    Thinking quickly.
    I said,"No
    darling,that's
    from when I took
    my old Ford
    Escort in to get a
    service and new
    tyres." "Oh ok,"
    said the fat bitch
    as she relaxed
    slightly,"I guess
    then that
    explains the
    charge for the
    Rim Job."


    I'm celebrating
    Black History
    month by
    keeping to a
    strict diet of
    bananas,watermelon
    and fried chicken.
    Oh,and
    stabbing people.


    A Fiscal Thought
    For Saturday:

    Wife or girlfriend
    just had a baby,you
    will need to
    pay for the
    folllowing until
    the child leaves
    home.Childcare,
    education,food
    clothing,holidays,
    toys,hobbies,
    leisure and recreation,
    pocket money,
    furniture,
    birthday and
    Christmas presents,
    driving lessons,
    second hand car etc.
    Cheapest current
    estimate about
    $250,000 A $2 condom
    would represent a
    huge saving? You
    could instead
    spend that
    quarter million on
    booze,cigarettes,
    women,good food,
    home entertainment
    etc.However $250,000
    would get you at
    least 5kg of cocaine
    at street prices.If
    you have that
    much to spend
    you wouldn't need
    to buy it on the
    street.Buy in bulk,
    sell on the street,
    become quite wealthy.
    So today's thought
    for the day is
    don't do children,
    do drugs instead,
    you know it makes
    sense.It will also
    be good for the
    environment.

  7. #1672
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
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    Posts
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I was cruising around
    peking today with my
    brand new rotary
    engined BMW.I was
    pleasantly surprised
    how many people
    knew about the
    engine of my car,as
    I heard constant
    "wanker" shouts,many
    also made gestures
    suggesting they
    were planning to
    masturbate later.


    You know you're
    getting old when you
    get more excited
    about the maximum
    MPG of your car and
    not the maximum
    MPH.


    Had to unplug the
    wife's life support
    machine today.
    Although she prefers
    to call it a fridge.


    What is the difference
    between a pint of
    carling and a clitoris?
    A clitoris only tastes
    like piss for a second.


    I got called into
    human resources
    today because of a
    couple of incidents
    and was asked if I
    know the difference
    between left and
    right wing.I told
    them to fuck off as
    my politics was my
    business.They still
    sacked me though,
    turns out aircraft
    are fucking expensive
    to fix.


    The other day I was
    having a heated
    discussion with a
    feminazi at work
    about sex and casual
    relationships....she
    said,"In the male
    dominated society if a
    woman sleeps with
    loads of men that
    makes her a slut,yet
    if you sleep with a
    load of women what
    does that make
    you? I replied,"A
    slut maker."


    After the accident
    late in the night,he
    finally regained
    consciousness.He
    opened his eyes to
    find he was in
    hospital,in terrible
    pain,in the
    Emergency ward
    with tubes in his
    mouth,needless and
    IV drips in both arms,
    a breathing mask on
    his face,wires
    monitoring every
    function,and an
    attractive nurse
    hovering over him.
    He realized that he
    was obviously in a
    life-threating
    situation.She gave
    him a serious,deep
    look,then spoke to
    him slowly and
    clearly,enunciating
    each word and
    syilable-"You may
    not feel anything
    from the waist down."
    Somehow he
    managed to mumble
    in reply."Can I feel
    your tits then?"

  8. #1673
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
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    Wellington
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Got pulled by the
    police for making an
    illegal manoeuvre....
    Cop pointed and said
    "That sign clearly says
    no u turns,and that
    pal applies to you." I
    said "No you're wrong
    mate what I did was a
    fucking n turn,you
    have to be in reverse
    to do a u turn."


    I wonder if Tom Daly's
    kids meets Elton John's
    kids they will have the
    argument "My mums
    got a bigger cock than
    yours."


    Chinese people
    keep saying that
    modesty is one of
    their traditional
    virtures.


    They used to say
    if you want a
    nigger for a
    neighbour,vote
    Labour.I'm sick
    of having to drive
    10 miles to see
    my nearest drug
    dealer.

  9. #1674
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    CNN: "Werner G.
    Doehner,the last
    survivor of the
    Hindenburg
    disaster,has
    died aged 90."
    What's the odds
    they'll play
    Stairway To
    Heaven by Led
    Zeppelin at his
    funeral?


    With Rick Parfitt
    dead,will the
    Status Quo
    change?

  10. #1675
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    Only just realised
    that "The Beast"
    is called that
    on The Chase
    because in French
    beast is la bete
    and his surname
    is Labbett.I
    thought they called
    him the beast because
    he's a big
    fat bastard.

  11. #1676
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Went to one of
    those evangelist
    churches to see if
    it could inspire
    me to believe.To
    be honest I
    nodded off
    halfway through,
    but did wake up
    for the pastors
    fire and brimestone
    sermon.He shouted
    "know ye that
    ye shall endureth
    misery beyond
    compare,suffer
    endless cruel torments
    and no-one not
    even the lord thy
    god will hear
    your cries of
    anguish,for they
    will be now lost
    and drowned out
    by the perperual
    moaning of the
    wicked." Later the
    pastor came over
    and welcomed
    me and said,"I saw
    you nodding and
    clapping,so you
    liked my sermon
    on eternal
    damnation in
    hell" "Hell?" I
    said,"I thought
    you were talking
    about marriage."


    They say that
    women have
    equal rights,what
    a load of shite.I
    dressed up as one
    yesterday and
    got the living shit
    beaten out of me.


    Just had a
    message offering
    me sex with a
    hot older woman.
    Should be
    interesting,I'm
    eighty three.


    Did you hear
    Mary Poppins
    stopped wearing
    lipstick whilst
    giving head?
    Apparently the
    super colour
    fragile lipstick
    make the dicks
    atrocious.


    A bunch of lads at
    work were saying
    they think I'm
    gay because I
    don't like
    football.Fucking
    idiots..I'm gay
    because I like
    cock.


    Paul Hollwood
    sells ALL his cars
    because they
    remind him of
    the ex.Expensive
    to run,noisy,
    unreliable and
    inadequate
    airbags.


    A man boards a
    plane with six
    kids.Once he's
    settled them in a
    woman leans
    over and asks,
    "Are they all
    yours?" He
    replies,"No,I
    work for a
    condom factory
    and these are all
    customer's
    complaints."

  12. #1677
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I was going to
    see the optician
    next week,but
    my wife said if I
    wait until
    January I'll have
    2020 vision.


    I was at the front
    of the bus with
    my sister.This
    old man said
    "When are you
    two getting off?"
    "We're fucking
    related you sick
    bastard," I
    replied.


    My Jewish friend
    told me he once
    had an orgasm
    just by the
    stimulation of his
    ears.Somebody
    told him there
    was a nearby
    cash machine
    dispensing free
    money.


    "Mother Superior
    Refuses to
    change clothes
    for 20 years."
    That's a nasty
    habit.


    I went to get the
    autographs of my
    two favourite
    actors from my
    two favoutire
    flims. Fatal
    Attraction and
    Under Siege.I
    only managed to
    get one.Close
    but no Seagal.


    When I was a
    stripper I never
    got to complete a
    performance
    because every
    time I got down
    to my pants all
    the women would
    shout off off off.

  13. #1678
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    Thank fuck it's Black
    Friday tomorrow,can't
    wait to buy myself a
    new slave.

  14. #1679
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I don't think all
    this 'Black Friday'
    is very politically
    correct,when I
    was younger we
    just called him
    'Man Friday'


    Black Friday!! I
    can't wait to get
    the boot polish
    out and scare the
    neighbours.


    My mate in
    America has just
    phoned.He said
    he's tried
    everywhere to
    get Black Friday's
    most sought after
    bargain.But the
    AR-15s are
    already gone.






    I went into
    Farmers on Black
    Friday after I
    saw a sign saying
    underwear half off,
    but security kicked
    me out.


    Funny how times
    change,Back in
    the day Black
    Friday was the
    only day they got
    to keep their seat
    on The bus.

  15. #1680
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    ( sick Christmas texts )


    Chris Rea wrote
    "Driving Home
    For Christmas"
    and "Road To
    Hell." Essentially
    the same fucking
    song.


    It has been
    confirmed that a
    charity record has
    been released in
    Sierra Leone by
    people suffering
    with Ebola.A
    spokesman has
    confirmed that
    the proceeds
    from the record
    will be sent to
    help clothe Sir
    Bob Geldof.


    In 1914 Allied
    and German
    troops called a
    Christmas Day
    truce and played
    a game of
    football in No
    Man's Land.It
    was all going so
    well until
    someone yelled
    "SHOOT!!!"


    with Christmas
    fast approaching I
    asked my mother
    what she wanted.
    She said,"All I
    want is a bit of
    caring and
    looking after." So
    I've put her in a
    nursing home.


    What do boobs
    and Christmas
    trees have in
    common? When
    you see really
    nice one's you
    have to ask if
    they are real or
    fake.


    Santa is
    nearby.... ....
    I can sense his
    presents.


    My wife asked
    what I want for
    xmas...How the
    fuck is she gonna
    wrap a blowjob?


    Things I have in
    common with
    Santa.
    1.I eat other peoples
    food if left unnattended.

    2.I come once a year.

    3.I have a heavy sack.

    4.I am a fat fuck.


    I was at my
    gran's house
    yesterday when
    she said,like she
    does every year,
    "It doesn't feel
    very Christmassy
    does it?" "For
    fuck sake." I
    sighed,"Just
    keep rubbing it,
    I'm about to
    cum."


    "What is iT Dad?"
    asked my son,as
    he shook his
    perfectly
    wrapped present
    at one ear,then
    the other.."It's a
    shipwreck in a
    Bottle."


    Airmen roasting
    on an open fire
    Jihadi slicing off
    your nose ISIS
    chants being sung
    by a crowd And
    folks dressed up
    ready to blow
    Everybody knows
    halal and some
    misletoe Help to
    make the season
    shite Tiny tots
    with Mohammad's
    cock on show
    will find it hard
    to sleep tonight
    They know that
    Ahmed's on his
    way He's loaded
    lots of bombs and
    guns today And
    every mother's
    child is gonna cry
    when they see
    those that
    welcomed them
    die So I'm
    offering this
    simple phrase To
    virgins from one
    to seventy-two
    Although we can't
    say it anymore
    anyway Merry
    Christmas.


    Santa Clause had
    better watch out.
    If you are going
    to grow a
    massive white
    beard and live in
    a grotto it's only a
    matter of time
    until the
    Americans bomb
    you.


    Looking forward
    to a peaceful
    family Christmas
    this year.I'm
    going to mix
    prozac into the
    stuffing.


    I'm dreaming of a
    white Christmas...
    Would be nice if
    it snowed as well.


    "So this is
    Christmas,and
    what have you
    done?" The start
    of a John Lennon
    song,or the wife
    about to start an
    argument.


    Marks And
    Spencer say in
    their advert that
    "It wouldn't be
    Christmas
    without M & S"
    quite right.It'd
    be Chrita.

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