What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

What are you
getting me for
Christmas,Dad?
Asked Prince
Andrew.For
fuck's sake
Andrew,I've told
you before
Christmas is for
fucking kids
replied Phillip.
You're right,Dad
maybe I should
be out fucking
kids.


The wife just
asked why I
bought one of the
kids a Prince
Andrew toy for
Christmas.Well
he makes a great
little girls
stocking filler.


Prince Andrew
loves Chritmas,
so much so that
he has composed
a compilation of
beautiful
Christmas
songs-'Silent
Child' 'A day in a
manger' 'As
shepards rape
their kids by
night' 'I'm having
nightmares about
predator exposure' 'My
prick can reach
the highest' and
'I'll even put it
inside a reindeer'
to name but a
few....


I couldn't believe
it when we
opened the door
to find some of
the Arabs that
live locally had
come to sing
us "Muslim
Christmas
Carols." I asked
what they were
doing and they
said they were
making a funny
Vlog-reaction
video...still
though,I wasn't
too sure about
the songs:
Violent Night,
Succumb all Ye
Unfaithful,O'Grooming
Town of Rotherham,
The Little
Bomber Boy,
While Shepards
Bummed Their
Flocks,Grandma
Got Run Over By A
Camel,I wish It
Could Be
Eid-al-Fitr Every
Day,and We
Wish You Were
Dead This
Christmas.


Yo mama so fat I
took a picture of her
last Christmas and it's
still printing.


Much to my
surprise,and for
the first time
ever,my Muslim
neighbour bought
everyone on the
street a
Christmas box.
We were all
pleased and it
seemed to make
him happy,
especially when
he said,"Oh and
don't worry,I've
made sure
batteries are
included."


It's beginning to
look a lot like
fuck this...Everywhere
I go.


My wife texted
and said,"If you
get home before
me can you put
the Christmas
tree lights on." I
must amit I feel
slightly stupid
sitting here with
them draped all
over me !


I'm not getting a
real Christmas
tree this year for
the same reason
why I'm not
inviting my
heroin addicted
brother-in-law
round-Too
many needles to
pick up.

[Bikkie]

I asked my wife
what she wanted
for Christmas.
She told me
"Nothing would
make her happier
than a diamond
necklace." So I
bought her
nothing.


Two blondes go
deep into the
frozen woods
searching for a
Christmas tree.
After hours of
sub-zero
tempertures and
a few close calls
with hungry
wolves,one
blonde turned to
the other and
said,"I'm
chopping down
the next tree I
see.I don't care
whether it's
decorated or not!!!"


2 Christmas
crackers are
talking 1st
cracker says,"Mate
I haven't been
with anyone
before not even
hugged someone."
The second says,
"Never mind at least
you'll pull at
Christmas."


I told my
Australian
girlfriend that
the Christmas wreath
she bought was
great,but it's
blocking the
doorway.She
said,"It's a great
Barrier Wreath.


How much did
Santa Claus pay
for his sleigh?
Nothing,it was
on the house.


Tiz the season to
make lasting
memories.I have-mostly
on my
fucking credit
card.


Walking past our
local furniture
shop during the
Boxing Day sales
I noticed a sign
advertsing "1/3
off all our 3 piece
suites!!" I
thought "Well
that a 2 piece
suite then"


I asked my son
what he wants
me to get him for
Christmas.He
said,"Google
Glasses." I said.
"Ok,but I already
know what
glasses are."


My date last
night asked me if
I get excited
about Christmas
and to give an
example.I said,
"If you jingle my
bells I'll promise
you a white
Chrismas."
Apparently there
is no 2nd date.


I've been caught
having sex with
Santa.I'm a
Hohosexual.

[Bikkie]

I wish we could
afford both
Rudolph and
Blitzen for our
Santa's grotto
this year.But
alas,they're two
deer.


I went to buy a
Christmas tree
this morning and
as I was paying
the man behind
the counter
asked me,"Will
you be putting
that up
yourself?" The
sick fuck,I'll be
putting it up in
my living room.


On Christmas
morning,when
your childern tell
you their
new phones are
the wrong colour,
their new laptops
are not good
enough for their
particular needs,
and your wife
tells you that the
$1800 necklace
you got for her is
"Nice," please
spare a thought
for those on their
own.And try not
to get jealous.


Last Christmas
we did a "Secret
Santa" at the
office where we
each drew a
name of someone
we'd exchange
gifts with.I drew
Adul,this
creepy Muslim
that works in
resources.He
opened the gift I
got him and
wasn't impressed...He
complained,"All
of us were to
spend a minimum
of $50,and you
only randomly
got me this
Alarm clock!"
"Oh right,I just
thought you
might find it
useful in case you
happened to be
building a bomb."


Paul McCartney
was asked if he
was putting a
stocking up at
Christmas,"Fuck
off," he replied,
"Last time I did
that,Heather
Mills was in it."


I heard that
Jeremy Corbyn
was speaking to a
load of kids about
Santa and how he
didn't really exist
and was made up
by capitalism to
sell goods and
make profit for
wealthy people,
but little
Johnny spoke up
"Yes Jezza,that
may be true," he
said,"but he'll
still fucking exist
after ChristmaS."


Radio DJ: "Sorry
we're not allowed
to play Baby it's
cold outside..."
But anyways,
here's Cardi B
telling everyone
to eat her ass...


Talking of Christmas
I saw a
Carpenters
tribute act the
other night called
The Joiners.


I've got my
Grandad a bottle
of strong
aftershave and a
new cigarette
lighter for
Christmas.Can't
wait to see his
face light up.


When Iwas a
child,I grew up
in a very poor
house.One
Christmas,I
opened my
present only to
reveal an empty
box."It's an
Action Man,son,"
said my dad."But
dad,it's empty!"
"Yes,it's the
"Deserter",.."


The wife wants a
new bag and belt
for ChristmaS.
Happy to oblige,
the hoover
should work a
fucking treat
now.


What's the
difference
between a
Christmas tree
and a man? A
Christmas tree
will stay 'up' for
12 nights,has
cute balls and
looks good with
the lights on.


Some presents at
Christmas time
are small,yet
they will truly
stay with you
forever.Like
fucking wrapping
paper glitter.

[Bikkie]

Former Aussie PM,Bob
Hawke,persuaded his
daughter not to reveal
to the world what had
happened to her down
under.


After investing
my money into
buying a sex doll
it's surprising
how much more
sex I am
getting....due to
inflation.


My best mate's
wife was
pregnant and he
asked me to be
Godfather.So I
threatened his
family and killed
his horse.


Boxing has to be
the most
unrealistic sport
ever.I mean
come on now,
two niggers
fighting without
knives? Just
doesn't happen.

[Bikkie]

All the U.K politicians
will want a little
sleep after a weekend of
mass debating!


Tottenham player
Son Heung-Min
says a dog is not
just for
Christmas.It's
also for
sandwiches on
Boxing day.


I was shopping in
this specialty
store with the
wife,and she was
looking at a large
selection of
crystal balls.The
saleslady
appoarched her
and asked,"Are
you a medium?"
"Of course not"
she growled,"I'm
an XXXXXL"


"Man who
inspired ice
bucket challenge
dies aged 34"
Idiot: You're
supposed to pour
the bucket over
your head,not
kick it.


I'm even pleased
to see my Muslim
neighbour getting
in on the
Christmas spirit
this year.He left
a bedroom
window open and
I looked in and
he was dancing
around with one
of his sex
partners singing
"All I want for
Christmas is ewe!"


What do you call
a singing
computer?
A DELL.

[Bikkie]

Marie Fredriksson
of pop duo
Roxette has died
aged 61...When
the other one
snuffs it they will
probably release
Roxette Box
Set.


Fed up with being
broke 'Christmas
just round the
corner' just pop
into A&E 'take a
picture of your
child laying on
the floor and sell
it to the press'
job done.


My ex wife's cunt
is like the White
House.No bush
and there's been
a black guy in it
recently.


I went to a
Christmas Speed
Dating event last
night.I pulled a
cracker!




Whenever I
receive a gift
card for
Christmas,I can't
help but feel as
though the
person is trying
to tell me,"I
would give you
the money,but I
know that you'll
spend it on
alcohol."

[Bonez]

What's the the diffence between Maxine Waters and a KB West Coast Leather Back. Nothing. They both talk shit.

[Bikkie]

"Marie
Fredriksson
health:Roxette
singer passes
away after
17-year cancer
battle" She had
the look.


Snow is like a
cock,it's
measured in
inches,soft to
the touch,cums
when least
expected,and it
never gets quite
as deep as you
would like it!!!!!
And.....Driving in
the snow is like
eating pussy,if
you don't slow
down and pay
attention you
could slide into
the arsehole in
front of you...


The Met Office
have declared
today the busiest
day of the year
for commutes
and have
prepared several
phrases for use;
'For fuck sake...'
'How bastard
long?? Listen
Gunga-Din,the
traffic isn't
moving,turn the
fucking meter off'
'Who's
trreatening to
throw themselves
off the bridge?
Hey look kids,a
real Christmas
jumper! Do a flip
you daft cunt'
'This traffic is your
fucking fault'
And of course,
'Allah Ah what?
oh shit,run!'


My son said,
"Dad,why do
they call it
Boxing Day?" I
said,"Because
that's the day all
the supermarkets
get the boxes out
and fill the
shelves full of
fucking Ester
eggs."


Sooooo i've
decked the halls
as the song
suggested.
Though Mr & Mrs
Hall don't share
my joy.


Good news for all
of you with a
coke habit.No
more sleeps till
Christmas.

[Bikkie]

I've bought the
wife a false leg
for Christmas.It's
not her main
present though,
it's just a
stocking filler.


One of the most
want toys this
Christmas is a
talking Muslim
doll.Noboby
knows what it
says because
they daren't pull
the string.


I'm loving my
Oscar Pisorius
advent calendar
made by
Smirnoff.There's
a shot behind
every door.

( sung to the tune Rudolph the red nose reindeer )

Rudolph the well
hung reindeer,
Had a great
enormous cock,
All he could ever
do with it,was
beat it off inside
a sock,All of the
female reindeer,
Had pussies that
were just too
small,Poor old
well hung
Rudolph,could
not get any sex
at all,Then one
horny Christmas
eve,Santa came
to say,"Rudolph
with your cock so
strong....Fuck my
arshole all night
long....!" Then all
the reinder
loved him,A few
of them were
heard to say,
"Rudolph the well
hung reindeer...,
You're so lucky
Santa's Gay.


I like my women
how I like my
advent calendars.
Against the wall
flaps open.


A woman with a
clipboard just
knocked on our
door and asked if
we would have a
refugee for
Christmas.We
normally have a
turkey but fuck
it,I'll try
anything once.


No matter how
old you are,an
empty wrapping
paper tube is still
a light saber.


Christmas these
days is a lot like
having sex,the
build up is great
but when it
finally comes,I
regret spending
all that money.


So i've asked the
wife what she
wants for
Christmas.She
said she wants
"Some chocolate
and a nice
surprise would be
lovely." Kinder
Egg it is
then........


You can't fucking
win with women,
my misses wanted
decking outside
the patio door.
for Christmas.
Now she is just
coming round in
A&E the cow is
on about leaving
me!

[Bikkie]

I was looking at
the many
Christmas cards
that I received,
particulary the
ones that
pictured the
Nativity scene.
The stable
covered in snow
with Mary,
Joseph and little
baby Jesus in his
crib.It got me
thinking....When
did last snow in
Jerualem?


Last year I left
my Christmas
shopping too late
and ended up
getting it all done
at a petrol station
on Christmas
morning.I
thought the
limited selection
would leave me
in the shit but
my 17-year old
daughter
squealed with
delight when she
opened her 'L'
plates and ran
over to hug me.I
don't know why
she went out to
look on the
driveway though.


It was Christmas Eve
and I could hear
faint Latin
rhythms and long
guitar notes
coming from
behind the
fireplace.Santana
was stuck up the
chimney.


After checking
that my wife had
left,I snuck into
our daughter's
room as she lay
fast asleep in
bed.I knelt down
beside her,as
quietly as
possible.I then
slowly began to
force her flaps
open,before
sliding my fingers
in,one by one.
Overcome with
hunger,I popped
it into my mouth.
I knew it was
wrong,but I
didn't care.
Suddenly,her
eyes opened,and
as I quickly
yanked my
fingers back from
within,she let
out a terrible cry.
"Daddy,get the
fuck out of my
advent calendar!"


Last year my
wife was fuming
that I forgot to
buy her a
Christmas
present and said
that I should go
get her
something 2 months
in advance.
With only 8 weeks
until Christmas,
I've been and got
her present.
She's going to
love these
flowers.


It is that time of
year again for the
tradition of drunk
people stuffing
their hands up a
fat birds arse.Or
is that just our
works party?



Christmas is
coming so be
careful on the
roads as quite a lot
of guys will be
having a few
drinks and letting
their wives drive

[Big Dog]

https://youtu.be/IABRgZH12YA

[Bikkie]

An unnamed bidder at Sotheby's
has paid 137.500 pounds
for a pair of
John Lennon's glasses.
He should have gone to
specsavers.


Someone bought Jonn Lennon's
specs for 137,500 pounds.
Oh no!


News: Woman allergic to apples
removed from plane.
Fuck me,what exactly
is in an iphone?


A little boy about 9 or 10,
was sitting on Santa's
lap...Santa pointed his
finger in the boys
face,and said,"George I know
what you want for Christmas!
A T-O-Y." "Nope!" replied
George.Then again,pointing
his finger in the boys face.
"You want C-A-N-D-Y." "Nope!"
replied George."Then just
what the hell do you want?"
asked Santa.George looked
Santa in the face,pointing
his finger,I want some
P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell
me that you don't have
any.Because I can smell
it on your finger!"


This year we are
playing Christmas
Cluedo at my
house,where the
wife murders the
Turkey in the
kitchen,with the
oven.


2016:George
Michael's 'Last
Christmas'


My wife has left
me because I ate
too much chocolate
over Christmas.This
calls for a
celebration.


Action on climate
change releases
it's charity single.
"There Won't Be
Snow In Antartica
This ChristmaS."

[Bikkie]

My 10 year old
daughter has written
her Christmas list to
Santa.She wants a real
life prince and to live in
a castle.Anyway I've
forwarded it on to
Buckingham Palace


My girlfriend
has dumped me.
I now know that,
when she
expected me to
treat her like a
queen,it didn't
invlude completetly
ignore the silly
old bint at
Christmas


If Santa only
comes once a
year,it makes no
wonder his sack
is Full!


My colleague
received a
Shaggy CD in the
secret Santa."It
wasn't me."


When Savile got
suck up the
chimney,He
began to shout
"You girls and
boys won't get
any toys unless
you pull me off!"


Got all my
Chrismas
shopping done
already.Hope
everyone likes
Halloween
costumes.


I put
up some
misletoe over
the door at work
to get the office
in the Christmas
spirit.
Unfortunately
though,the other
blokes using the
urinals seemed
uncomfortable
with the concept.

[Bikkie]

Can't believe my
neighbour Abdul
has handed us a
Christmas present,
especially after all
the racist abuse
I've been giving
him all year.I'm
no Sherlock but it
sounds like a
clock.


My heroin dealer
let me down
yesterday.Today
I'm having cold
turkey.


As a kid I used to
hate it when you
got two of the
same present.But
now I'm looking at
four bottles of
scotch in the
cupboard.Fuck
yeah.It's like my
friends know me
or something.


Of course Die Hard
isn't a Christmas
film.IT'S THE
Christmas film.


You'll be loving
the Muslims when
you need some
fucking milk
tomorrow!


My 10 year old
son loves
everything to do
with zombies.He's
watched all the
Walking Dead and
plays zombie
games on his Xbox
all night long.So
for Christmas I've
bought him a bag
of spice.


The wife was gone
for ages.So I
phoned her,"Are
you ok love?" I
asked,"You've
been gone for ages."
"Yes," she replied,
"I'm out Christmas
shopping and my
period kicked in."
"Oh well," I said,
"At least you'll be
able to find your
way back to the
car first time."


My missus winked at
me and said,"I'd love
a big stiff cock for
Christmas" Well she
can fuck off if she
thinks I'm paying
for a sex change
for her.


"What shall we get
Dad for
Christmas?" "How
about some cut
glass tumblers?"
"He's an alcoholic.:
"Ok how about
some half-cut
glass tumblers?"

[Bikkie]

Every Christmas
we'd run
downstairs to the
big pile of presents
and start
unwrapping them
as fast as we
could.Sometimes
there would be
fights over who
had the best toys
but we would all
make up later and
sit down to have a
three hour dinner
before watching
telly for the rest of
the day.I really
miss working at
the NZ post Office.


Recently we had
our family's
Christmas
gathering,and I
played Santa this
year."HO HO HO,"
I laughed loudly...
as I pointed at my
wife's three slutty
sisters.


A bloke is rushed
to A&E with a
sunbeam steam iron up his
Arse."Good grief," said
the doctor,"I thought
I'd seen it all,how
on Earth did you
manage that?"
"Well," said the
bloke,"It
happened just
after my wife
opened her
Christmas present."


Took some
Christmas tree
lights back to the
somali guy that
owns the corner
shop because they
didn't work.He
said it was just
one faulty burnt
out blub,and that
he would change it.
1o minutes later
he was really
struggling to
unscrew the blub
he cursed it saying
"Get the fuck out,
you dodgy black
bastard." which
ironically is what I
was thinking when
I bought them off
him in the first
place.


I've told my
missus not to eat
the chocolate
coins on the
Christmas tree this
year because after
March they will be
worth a sight
more than real
fucking money.


I sat my kids
down for a frank
talk and told
them that due to
some tight
financial
circumstances
this year,they
wouldn't be
getting any
Christmas gifts.
Had to make
some sacrifices
though for me to
finally order that
Ferrari!"


I said to my wife,
"That Christmas
film I've just
watched was a bit
up and down."
She said,"Which
one?" I said,
"Bipolar Express."


Abdul from next
door was disccusing
why Islam was the
only religion to
follow."What did
Jesus ever bring
into your life?" he
asked me.I didn't
answer.I just sat
there with my glass
of wine and bacon
butty thinking about
the new motorbike
my wife had
promised me for
Christmas.


The police
knocked on my
door and told me I
had to take down
my Christmas
lights."This is
ridiculous," "5
other houses on
this street have
also already put up
their lights."
"Indeed," replied
the police,"But
they haven't
arranged their light
strands to spell
"Pakis out!"


Just bought ourselves
a scraggly necked old
turkey that's going
to get the chop at
Christmas time.We've
called him
James Corbyn.


I had my first
chocolate log of
the Christmas
season last
night.....it
took three
flushes to
get rid of it.


The downside of
being a bomb
disposal technican....It
takes six hours to
open my
Christmas gifts.....