What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

I was in Glasgow
last week and I
passed a sign that
said,:battered
women;s centre." I
thought,Fuck me,
these people will
deep fry anything.


I bought my
obsessive/compulsive
mate a picture of the
Leaning Tower Of Pisa
for his birthday.He's
nuts trying to
hang it straight.


I used to be very
naive sexually.
My first girlfriend
asked me to do
missionary and I
fucked off to
Africa for six
months.


I enjoy a walk
through the
graveyard early
morning with my
dogs and I have
to say how I
laughed when I
read the epitaph
on a new
headstone,"I
wouldn't be
where I am today
if it wasn't for
my wife."


"Oh God"
shouted my
daughter,"You're
so deep inside
me,I can feel
you filling me
up." I don't know
why I argued
with my wife
about going to
watch her at
sunday school.



A woman came
up to me at the
All England
Tennis club and
asked how many
courts they had.
"30 Love" I
replied.


What's the
difference
between an angry
man and a gay
arab?...one's
shaking a fist....


If anyone ever
figures out how
to get an alexa
into a blow up doll
humanity is
finished.


A mate of mine
believes that the
Earth is flat.I
challenged him to
prove it by
walking off the
edge...He
eventually came
around.


Proved my fat
missus is a liar,
suggested the
lardy arse tries
weight watches.
She went to the
website and I saw
her click "No"
when they asked
if she accepted
cookies.Liar,I've
seen the big
lump eat a whole
packet during
Eastenders.

[Bikkie]

Aston Villa 1 man city 2 HT.
It's not over till the fat
lady sings.
I didn't know Gemma Collins
was booked to sing?


I walked past a door,
looked in and saw
ballons,cake,candles
and a swastika."Oh,
that must be the Nazi
party."


Whilst Fred Astaire
danced down the
steps,his brother
Stan just slowly
carried an old woman
up them....


Looks like Sinead
O'conner is going to
have a number 1.I've
just seen her going
into the barbers.


My missus wasn't so
well so I offered to
go to the Kmart for
her."Awe,that's so
sweet of you" she
said,"make sure you
get yourself a nice
treat while you're
there." So I'm
shagging wendy with
the big tits on
checkout thirteen as
soon as she gets off.


If I bought a boat I
would name it"For
sail."


My niece was
always desperate
to meet a man
who would sweep
her off her feet.
This norning she
met one,the
council are still
trying to remove


Great new book by
an African
feminist "Penis
Envy" by Aye
Wishal-Hedwon.


Being a footballers
wife must be
difficult when he
says,"It's a difficult
place to come."
But he's not
talking about an
away game.

[Bikkie]

Do you think level 42
were listening to u2
and UB40 when they
thought up their
name.


There's international
women's day,international
men's day,pride month
and sausage week.
Why don't they
synchronise them
and let everyone
know where they
stand?


Girls with black
boyfriends all
you're doing is
telling the world
you're got a cunt
like a bucket.


Do cannibals have
to be careful not
to bite the hand
that feeds them?


My wife saw me
eyeing up a couple
of girls in
miniskirts,and
snapped,"I'm the
bird in the hand
that's worth two in
the bush." I
thought,"can't
argue that's she's
definitely a
burden."


Canape 1.A type
of horsd'oeurre.
2.What a
scotsman says
when he has no
money.


They say it's all in
a name,Bob Diamond
and Fred Goodwin have
names that ooze
success and weatlh
and were famous
bankers and Bernie
Madoff nicked all
the cash..And if
you wanted to sell
poetry you
could have a
better name than
Bill wordsworth.


The term hijack
derives from
someone on board
recognising the
offender.


Just had a dealer
try to sell me a
piece of stone he
said was from
Ireland an kissed
by ST Patrick.
When I looked
underneath it said
'Made in china.'
Obviously a sham
rock.


SEX Now I've got
your attention sex
between two
people is called a
twosome sex
between three
people is a
threesome.
Unfortunately I
now know why
people call me
handsome!


I was walking
around the hospital
yesterday looking
to visit my Nanna
in the daycare
centre when I
noticed a big sign.
Stroke Patients
Here.I never did
get to visit my
nanna,thanks to
hospital security.

[Bikkie]

So I was in the chemist
and I said to the assistant,
"What gets rid of Coronavirus?"
she said,"Ammonia Cleaner."
I said,"Oh sorry,I thought
you worked here."


The world Health Organistion
is telling everyone to wash
their hands throughly to
avoid Covit-19 comtamination.
I think Def Leppard should
start looking for a new
drummer.


I see the coronavirus
has hit the Seven Dwarfs.
Doc had to put sneezy
down.



The companies who make
sanitising gel must
be rubbing their hands
together.


Coronavirus: Iran temporarily
frees 54,000 prisoners to
combat spread.
The very definition of
optimism I'd say.


Bond movie "No Time To Die"
has been postponed due to
the coronavitus.Just change the
title to less sensitive like
"Quaratine Of Solace"..."A Flu
To A Kill"...suggestions welcome...


TIP OF THE DAY: Fed up of
waiting in long queues?
want to reduce the amount
of time you waste waiting
to be served? cough loudly and say
"It's got progressively
worse since I got back
from china."


Invented this new board game
around figuring out which
chink has spread the virus.
Fludo.


My wife has just returned
from northern Italy.
What a fortnight I've
got planned.


President Trump said
that he hasn't touched
his face in weeks
as a safety precaution
amid the coronavirus
outbreak.
Big deal. You haven't
touched reality for
years.


Experts are confident
that washing our hands
regularaly will combat
coronavirus but say
they are expecting
an out break of
OCD.

What travels at one hundred
miles and hour and has
people running for their lives?
A sneeze.

[Bikkie]

Did you know....way
back in the sixtees...Michael
Caine...Jim Morrison...Ray
Manzarek...Robby Krieger and
John Desmore were sitting
in a brothel...and whole
and behold...this young
prosititute trolloped
in...whipped out Michael
Caines little solider...popped
it in her mouth...and started
to give it a good suck...and
Michael said,"You were ment
to blow the bloody
Doors off."


Bruce Springsteen and
Herve Villechase used
to have a carpentary
businesss..and one
day..out on a job...Bruce
was trying to fix a
door...and Bruce was
being the thick cunt
he is said to Herve,
"I'll be fucked if I
know how to make this
door shorter," and
Herve replied,"The plain
Boss the plain...the plain."

[Bikkie]

A documentary is to be
made about Tom Hanks
self-isolating Whilst
wearing a protective
rubber suit.
Forrest Gimp is
released on monday.


Coronavirus? No.T Hanks.


Life is like a box of
chocolates.You never
know what you're
gonna get.Fucking
corona virus.


Tom Hanks won an oscar
for playing a man with
AIDS in the
film philadephia.
Now he has contracted
coronavirus,he's
taking method acting
to a whole new
fucking level.


Instead of calling them
flu masks,we should call
them coughy filters.


The irony is that those
who are panic buying
toilet rolls should already
have been wiped out by
natural selection.


I'm getting some very hostile
looks walking down this
street in china in my
Batman costume.


Apparently singing Happy Birthday
twice while washing your hands
is long enough to ensure
they are properly clean.
Sounds a bit excessive.I've
been singing
Stevie Wonder for over
10 minutes now.


Paddy goes to the toilet
at work but doesn't return
for about 20 minutes.
"Where have you been all
this time?"
asked his boss."Washing
my hands,I forgot the
words to Happy Birthday
so sang Bohmermian Rhapsody
twice" he replied.



Men who self-isolate are
developing strange new
symptons...Mainly,sore
cocks and aching wrists.



Just been at the post office
and two guys came in wearing
masks TOTAL PANIC!!!!
Then they said,"this is
a robbery" and we all
calmed down.



Never thought I'd live to
see the day when using
the term "Asswipe" is
showing someone affection.



The Ku Klux Klan.Well
worth joining in order
to discover what brilliant
soap powder they use.



I told a genie I wanted to
be hung like a horse.
Next thing I knew I was at
a Spanish Fiesta.



I've become a member of a
Beatles themed S&M/swinger/voyeur
club in Liverpool and I'm going
to my first event tonight.
Imagine all the peep holes.

[Bikkie]

...In Norfolk the farmer next
door came out and said,"I'd
like you to meet my wife and
sister." And there was just
the one woman standing there.

( the late GREAT Bob Monkhouse )



When we went on holiday to kenya,we
couldn't believe it when we saw
those tribal women with enormous
plates in their lips.
I asked one of them,"Doesn't
that hurt or make eating difficult?"
she replied,"Shmsh thids rusgh
grffshugguh midgh druffs
thif"...


A study claims the filthiest
location in a typical home
isn't the kitchen floor,the
bin,or even the toilet seat.
It's actually the
hard drive.


"Well have to go back,I've
forgotten my tablets."
"For goodness sake,Mosses".


"Do you have any plans for
the weekend?" asked the
checkout girl.
"I'm off on holiday to spain"
I said. ( brief silence ) "Do
you need any help with your
packing?" she asked."That's
very good of you but the
wife's doing it as we speak."
I said.


Steppenwolf was an assumed
name.He was born
Toby Wild.


I lent my mate $10,000 so
he could have cosmetic surgery.
Now I don't know what the cunt
looks like,I can't get my
money back.

[Bikkie]

Ladies James Bond might
fill your heart with joy.
But Uni Bond fills your
crack.


It's a lot of rubbish
when they talk about
"How good" modern kids
are these days with
technology.My
grandson is staying
for the weekend,and
he looks absolutely
clueless with my
VCR and VHS tapes.


Onca again my
wife has been a
complete cunt and
left so little
petrol in the car
that I only get as
far as the pub.
It's enough to drive
you to drink.


Ladies if you want
to drive your man
wild in the
bedroom just say
this one word.
No.


My girlfriend said she
can't attend next
weeks sexual
innuendo senior,so
I guess I'll have
to fill her slot
instead.


"Hi love,I've
arrived at the
hotel,knackered
but it's great."
"Oh,that's
lovely.What are
you going to do
first?" "Leave the
toilet seat up."

[Bikkie]

My girlfriends a cheeky bitch
I said do you want to go out?
No I fucking don't if I
wanted to get fucked by
something small and microscopic
I would stay in and have sex
with you.


Are workers at hand sanitiser
toilet roll manufacturing
companies being sent home?


NEWS: Miley Cyrus cancel tour
due to coronavirus.
why not just proceed as
planned and call it the
Coronacyrus tour?


PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNEMENT: Coronavirus
origin traced-IT WAS CREATED
BY WOMEN.Think about it,lads...
1-Sport postponed for months
2-Advised against going to the pub
3-Don't leave the house for
a fortnight ( so you can finally
get those odd jobs done )
4-Symptons are flu-like ( THEY
KNOW THAT'S OUR KRYPTONITE )
5-They even had the audacity
to name it afer a
beer!


This stupid panic buying is
ridiculous! I've just paid
$15 for oxo cubes!! The stock
markets gone crazy!

[Bikkie]

"you attract what
you fear most"
oh my goodness I'm
ao scared of $ 10 billion
and a bunch of
supermodels.


My dad always
used to say "A
bird in the hand
is worth 2 in the
bush"
Great dad but shit
porn director.


My nephew told
me he'd had
biology today and
he came first.
"Well done,was
it some sort of
test?" I asked
"No,it was a
video on sexual
intercourse,and
like I said I came
first."


I recently went
to see an all
female u2 tribute
band. They were called
MeeToo.


Yesterday I went
to see a psychic.
I knocked on her
front door.She
yelled: "Who is
it?" So I left...


Although blondes
do have more fun
it's important to
remember that
they also have
more VD.


"Woman,24
gets mistaken for
husbands carer" I
gather she isn't
the first
billionairers wife
that has
happened to.


Just met a blind
prostitute.Bloody
hell,you've got
to hand it to
her.


I think the
phrases people of
colour or person
of colour are too
easily misjudged.
On forms,or face
to face,it would
be much clearer
if the question is: Are
you a person
of crime?


My boss told me,
"Dress for the job
you want,not for
the job you have."
Now I'm sitting in
a disciplinary
meeting in a white
gown and a KKK
pillow over my
head


I don't think I got
the part as a
cocaine dealer in
my TV show
audition.I went in
there and totally
fucked my
lines.


If light travels
faster then the
speed of sound.
How come I can
hear the cunt in
the BMW behind
me blast his horn
before the lights
turn green?


Before the
internet,people
had to walk miles
just to call me
a cunt.


Just had an
argument with
the manager of
McDonald's.What
a clown.


Two chimps in a
bath,one says,
"Oo ooh,aah
aah,eeh eeh,ooh
ooh." The other
one says,"Well
put some fucking
cold in then you
daft cunt."


Gender reveal
party: A
celebration where
family,guests
and expecting
parents gather
together to
reveal the sex of
the baby.If only
I had Googled
this before
turning up at my
bosses house with
a bottle of wine
and my cocxk out.


If you get lost in
the desert be
carefull of an oasis
mirage,if they
are playing "Don't
Look Back In
Anger" it's
definitely not a
mirage and you
need to head
toward the hot
sun and face a
less painful
death.

[Bikkie]

I was having an
argument with my
mate Dave in the
pub about which
British based male
singer had the
most distinctive
voice,he decided
to start canvasing
other customers in
the pub: The first
person he asked
said,"Definitely
George Michael...or
perhaps Elton
John?" The next
person he asked
said,"It's bound to
be Freddie Mercury...
or perhaps will
Young?" He asked
another person,they
said,"It's got
to be Marc Almond...
or is it Boy
George?" One old
timer said George
Melly...no wait,it
might be Michael
Ball?" The last
person he asked
said,"Probably
Jimmy Somerville...
or maybe Holly
Johnson?" Dave
was getting really
frustrated by this
point and snapped
"For fucks sake,can't
anyone give me a
straight answer?"


I stained an old
garden bench
today fucking
vindaloo goes right
through me.


Tony the Granellis
italian icecream
salesman used to
be a big hit with
the ladies round
my parish.
Nowadays the man
that used to make
passionate love to
the girls morning,
noon and night has
erectile dysfunction.
He now works for
Mr Softee.

[Bikkie]

Come on everyone,lets work
together as a community:But
only after we finish fighting
for groceries,swearing at cashiers
for lack of stock and taking
bags worth of stuff home for
profiteering purposes.


I have dusted off my old ghetto
blaster.When I go outside I take it
with me and blast out of full
volume,"Don't Stand So Close To
Me" by "The Police."


Day 6 of isolation-Anyone
want to play solitaire with
me?


"Darling...fancy putting on a
nurses uniform?" "Ooh,cheeky
boy...you feeling horny?"
"Nah...we're run out of bread!"


I got a text from my boss earlier
"Don't come into work tomorrow"
"Why not?" I asked."Jacinda Ardern
has declared a national lockdown
because of the coronavirus"
"Thank fuck for that! For minute
there I thought you'd had a look
at my browsing history."


I walked into a pub and it was
completely empty apart from the
barman."Wow,people are
listening and staying away from
the pub." I said,"No not really,"
replied the barman,"This is a
Sam Smith pub it's always
like this."


Some bars in scotland defied the
ban and stayed open.In other
news,the pope is catholic,mice
like cheese and bears have been
known to shit in the
woods.


Went out for a walk in the sunshine
today nd every other fucker was out
as well.Didn't you get the
message??? STAY AT HOME YOU
CUNTS!!!


Corona-nation street starts on ITV
tonight.It's a soap,so should be
effective agsinst germs.


Tip: If you have road rage with an
arshole who you eventually
discover is built like a brick
shithouse.Park in the nearest
avaliable disabled space.

[Bikkie]

My girlfriend said
she wanted our first
sexual experience
together to be like
a fairytale.So I
invited seven
midgets to join in.


Introduced myself
to the new pahi
guy at work
earlier.I asked
"How you doing
mate,what's your
name?" "Amin
Ahmood" I
said..."No worries
mate you can tell
me later."


If a couple have
sex behind a
locked door in a
public toilet,does
that mean they're
officially
'engaged'?


"Why can't I find a
good man who
won't lie and
cheat?" Because
those men are
with decent
women without a
sense of
entitlement love.


Internet dating-the
odds are good
but the goods are
odd.


My wife has just
told me that she
has had a new set
of bottom teeth
fitted.For fucks
sake,I guess my
anal days are over
then.


I dropped an egg
onto a concrete
floor and it didn't
break'This is
probably because
concrete floors
are really hard.


A man says to
the receptionist
"When I donate
blood,I do not
extract it myself,a
nurse does it
for me." The
receptionist
replied,"Yes sir,but
this is a
sperm bank,and
it doesn't work
that way.


My wife used to
work as a
magician's
assistant years
ago I think she
has picked up a
few tricks.I came
home from work
early today and
she was in the
bedroom.She
said,"Abracadabra!
and my mate
Dave,came out
of the wardrobe,stark
naked.Poor bastard
must have wondered
what the fuck
was going on....


"you're two hours late!"
shouted my furious boss.
"Sorry," I said "Lady
bus driver." "Don't tell
me she drove that slow."
"Nope,I
walked instead."
I replied.

[Bikkie]

I ordered a chinese,a wee
chinese driver comes
to the door and I walked
out to meet him.The
cunt started shouting
"Isolate.isolate."
I said,"Mate you're
not that late.I only
ordered 10 minutes
ago."



Whoever said one person
can't change the world
never ate an undercooked
bat.



Single woman with hand
sanitizer would like
to meet a single man
with toilet rolls for
good clean fun.



Let's take a moment to
think of Philip Schofield.
The poor bugger only came
out and now he's being
told he's got to
stay in.



Thunderbirds 2020
"Go and fetch the Rolls Parker".
"Do you want the kiwi soft
or the cotton soft brand
Milady?"



I've been stockpiling
music CD's to keep
me going during the
lockdown.
So far I have Bread,Korn.
some Jam,Meatloaf and
plenty of Lou Rawls.


Paddys in a rocket
with Murphy.
Murphy said,"D'You
know Paddy if we kept
going in the rocket
we'd go to infinity."
Paddy said,"Infinity?
Where in Ireland is
that?"


Paddys wife: "Why
do you always come
home half drunk?"
Paddy: "Because I run
out of money."



Paddy goes on Mastermind and says
his specialist subject is the western
series Bonanza. John Humphreys
says,"You can't have that Paddy.
You have to pick something like
science or religion." "Ok", says
Paddy,I'll have religion." 1st
question."Who was the first man
on earth?" Paddy thinks and says
"Hoss Cartwright." Humphreys replies
"No it was Adam," Paddy replies
"Well I knew it was one of the
feckin Cartwrights."

( If you're under 50 don't bother thinking about it )

[Bikkie]

They said gloves and a mask
would be sufficient to go
to the supermarket.
They lied,everyone else
had clothes on.


Well poor Prince Charles has
tested positive for COVID-19.
Sorry Charles but you would
insist on shagging an old bat.


My electric fan has contracted
coronavirus.
It's currently self- oscillating.




Some dirty chink caused this coronavirus
outbreak because he couldn't resist
a bowl of bat soup.
Some coon in Africa caused AIDS because
he couldn't resist fucking a monkey.
Goodness knows what's going to come
out of Austraila when those dirty
cunts are self-isolating
with their sheep.



Two guys in a health club,one
is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens
pants?"
"Since my wife found them in
the glove compartment.



Two niggers are walking down
the street and see a sign
that says,'turn white for $75'
Nigger 1: "Do you think it will work?"
Nigger 2: "Only one way to find out."
Nigger 1: "I only have $50.
Nigger 2:"Well,I have $100.I'll
go do it then give you my change."
Nigger 1:"Let's do it then."
Nigger 2: Goes in and fifteen
minutes later comes out white
as a ghost,wearing a brand new
suit carrying a briefcase.
Nigger 1:"Let me get that $25"
Nigger 2:"Fuck you,nigger.
Get a job."



Find a penny,
pick it up.
And all day long
"You'll have good luck"#
#Advice not valid in prison showers.


My big sister has just disappeared
in her bedroom with her best friend
and closed the door.
They seem to have really nasty
colds.I keep hearing them
on the verge
of sneezing.