What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Donald Trump
has withdrawn
all U.S funding
for the WHO upon
learning he cannot
mine Keith Moon
for minerals.



Donald Trump is
defunding the WHO.
Pete Townshend will
now just have to
make do with drawing
stick figures of naked
toddlers.



A german midget
jumped in to the
river yesterday to
save my precious
little dog who was
drowning... ...After
he climbed out he
handed me the
dog and said,"Here
is ze dog.Keep
him warm,dry
him off and he vil
be fine"... ...I said,
"Are you a little vet?"
He replied,:A little
vet?"...."I'm fucking
soaked."



I went round to
my mates the
other day to watch
man united,when
I heard his wife
cry out,"Oh no,not
that dirty sarchez
again." I didn't
knock and disturb
them,fair play to
her giving him anal
to stop him watching
the footy.



My wife and her
sister got caught
in thunder shower
on the way home
from weight watchers
earlier.. ..It was
the funniest example
of saturated fat's
I'd ever seen...



Saw a scotsman
wearing a
wellington on his
cock and I said,
"Hey,what you
up too?" and he
said,"Nothing just
fucking aboot."



Two dyslexics
sitting in a
car.one turns to
the other and says,
"I can smell petrol."
"Good for you" says
the other one."I can't
even smell my own
name.



One thing I really
enjoy doing is
wearing nothing
but a colourful
tight bikini
bottom that shows
off my cock,and then
going and strutting
around in front of
other men and letting
them ogle me.'
Or as it's also known,
"Bodybuilding"



It took me a long
long time to work
up the courage,but
eventually,the
words passed my
lips...."You know
love,we've been
married for more
than 25 years now
and I thought you
might like to try....
You know...
something
"alternative." I
finally spluttered
she paused for
what seemed like
an eternity,pondered
some more and then
eventually responded
"Wow love.I never knew
you felt like this
too,but now you
mention it,yes,I'd
love to be taken
by five strangers
at the same time whilst
you watch and wank...one
up the fanny.one up the
arse,one in my mouth
and one cock in each hand.
I think I'd love it
and it would definitely
reignite the old magic
we once shared.I
can't wait.Can't believe
you're had the courage to
even broach it love,what
did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking of a
Cure or Gary Numan
gig love"...



I smacked a paki in
the face with a can
of coke.
He started squeling
and moaning.I said
"Come off it,it
was only a soft
drink.



The sign in the pub
said,"In case of
fire-break glass."
Now my beer's
gone everywhere,and
there's still a
fire.



My wife wanted to
give me a wank as
a surprise cheeky
Birthday present
this morning.I'm
not saying I'm old
but I wish she'd
warned me last
week.



My ebay purchase
"Guaranteed to
give you a huge
throbbing penis
within minutes"
arrived this
morning.It turned
out to be a
wasp.



Me love to snort
a line of charlie
from a woman's
pussy lips.
Me love crack
cocaine.



I was in the pub
with some friends and
some of the girls
Brought the conversation
around to whether
there was any truth
in the myth that "large feet
were an Indication
of large sexual organs."
I exclaimed of course
it is.One of the girls giggled,
"So what size shoe are you?"
"I'm a size 6 ladies,but
my ex-wife was a size 10
and she had a massive
baggy fanny," that didn't
go down well.




I was in the
building site
stores when
Paddy came in
and said,"Have
you got any quick
drying cement?"
I said,"Over there
fill your boots."
Half an hour later
Paddy came back
in and said,"Do
you have any boots,
mine are full of
cement now."

[Bikkie]

A flash of light,a crack
of the electrical discharge.
The Terminator lands in a
back street in L.A.
He sees three punks appoarching
and asks them ( in his distinctive accent )
"What year is this?"
"2020" came the reply once they
had finished laughing at him.
"Ah" said the Terminator "the
year of the quaratine lockdown,your
mask and gloves,give them to
me now."



I used to be a spy until
someone came at me with
a hairdryer while I was
in bed.
They blew my cover.



Domino's pizza worker
'threatened to behead
wife with a meat cleaver
in a lockdown row about '
I've heard of giving head
to pay the rent but surely
that's going a bit
too far.



Last night I awoke
to find both the
wife and I had
been abducted by
aliens,A tall alien
in a mask leaned
over me and said
"We are just going
to perform an anal
probe on yourself
and your wife and
then we will send
you home unharmed."
I rolled over parted
my arse cheeks and
said,"Ok mate but
good luck with the
wife I've been
unsuccesful in that
that area for
fifteen years."



When are we going to change
"till death do us part"
to for the next five
years?



When we're in bed my
girlfriend likes two fingers
sometimes she'll take a third.
And by that point,she might
as well have the whole fucking
kit kat.



What tine does Any Murray
go to bed?
About tennish.



My wife has just
got a job at the
local sewage works.
I reckon she will
be the best shit stirrer
they ever had.



The wife said
"Look the reason
gay men enjoy
anal sex is because
they have a
prostate gland,I
don't,so you may
enjoy anal sex
with me,but for
me it would just
be a painful non
pleasurable
experience"
I said,"See you're
just selfish."



Is it me or do
people,thinking it's
cool sucking on
a vape look more
like their giving
head to a sex
aid.



Paddy comes
home drunk.His
wife said,"explain
to me why you
have another
woman's lipstick
on your shirt."
"Easy" said Paddy
"I wiped me cock
with me shirt."



The definition of
irony,courtesy of
the sport of
boxing.
A Gypsy and a Black guy
both claiming that
they were robbed.



Quick question..
Is it possible to
take a skin graft
from your
buttocks,and
transplant it onto
someone who isn't
family?....Arse
skin for a friend.



I'm against
recycling..because
it makes me look
like a huge
alcholic to the
bin-men!!



A really sexy girl
was checking me
out today.
Then I paid her
for the groceries
and left the
shop.



"I always try to go
the extra mile for
my customers"
London's most hated
taxi driver!



Therapist: "I think
you have a phobia
of marriage.Do
you know what
the symptons
are?"
Me" 'Can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's
one of them."



My aunt has contracted
H.I.V from someone at her
knitting club.
I think she's been sharing
needles.



"What's a female
Muslims favourite
clothing?"
"Dunno"
"A black bin liner
That's sack religious"



A problem shared
is a problem halved.
unless your problem is
understanding
fractions.

[Bikkie]

Crimewatch have
released a book on
their 50 most
wanted,it's called
"50 Shades Of
Black.



"I'm going to
snuggle up in bed
with a DVD
tonight." said my
wife."Sounds
good to me," I said
"I'll have the
quilt."



In ancient Rome,people
gathered at the closseum
and enjoyed by watching
a man's life getting
destroyed.
That's the same with
people attending
weddings.



"Pick up the iron
and get to work." I
said to the woman,
"Just because I'm
a woman doesn't
mean that I'll be
opressed by men
all the time." she
ranted,"I've the
ability and the
education to work
like you.And you
sexist bastards
think that we
solely belong for
these menial
tasks," "Well
then," I replied
"Here ends your
career as a
blacksmith."



I remember seeing
Star wars at the
pictures and I was
totally blown
away.
That Tracey Davis
was a right dirty
little cow.



Faith can move
mountains,which
probably explains
why most of the
earthquakes take
place in Muslims
countries.



Last night,I came
all over my wife's
tits.
She was furious this
morning when she
looked at the
birdcage.



The Crash Test Dummies
were one-hit
wonders.



I was watching
Star Trek and I was
amazed when
captain Picard
walked uo to an
alcove in the wall
and said,Earl Grey
hot" and seconds
later a steaming
hot cup of tea
appeared of
course the
aristocracy in
England have had
that technology for
years it's called a
dumb waiter.



"Mary Queen of
scots: The woman
who would be
king."
Hmm,and there was
me thinking
transsexulalism was
a modern
phenomenon.



Dinner time is so
much better since
I told the missus
that the smoke
alarm isn't a
timer.



I recently did
some stand-up
comedy in a pub.
My mate asked me
how it went?
"Fucking brilliant."
I replied."It was
better than sex."
He laughed and
said,"It is because
you actually heard
a few groans?"
"No" I replied
with a smile,"I
lasted two
minutes.



Throughout life,
men end up paying
for women,in
dating sex,
marriage,and most
costly divorce.
Clue is the gender
names....Male
and fee male.

[Bikkie]

The Nightingale Hospital in
Glasgow has been renamed.
ICU Jimmy.



Trump wanted his very own war
And now he's got one...with a virus.
Nice to see him picking on someone
his own size.



Fucking hell,captain Tom and
Michael Ball are singing
"You'll Never Walk Alone."
Nearing 100 years old,he's
probably the only living
person to have sung it when
Liverpool last won the
title.



My Italian friend gave me a jigsaw puzzle.
There's lots of pizza.



Advert in newspaper:
Heavy Metal Group
Requires Singer.
What would a rock group
want with a machine?



I was talking to a
bird in a bar
when she said
"Fancy a fuck?"
"Yesss," I said
knocking back my
drink.
"Let's go!"
"So what can I
expect?" I asked
walking back to
her car."Talk to
me." she said,"It's
small and pink,it
will be very tight
and wet,I think you'll
just squeeze in..."
"Oh! I'm so
turned on," I told
her,"I can't wait
to squeeze in,
mmmmm,Tell me
more..." she said
"Okay you weirdo,It's
got heated seats
reverse parking
sensor and a leak
in the roof."



While ordering a
pizza and the girl
reads the order
back,"So you
have one large
thick sausage,
anything else?"
with a smirk I
replied,"Yes,I'd
also like to order
a pizza."



Every so often I
get bold and
brace myself,and
prepare to "Enter
the void."
Or as I also call
it my wife's
vagina.



My chinese
girlfriend dumped
me.Then I couldn't
find my way home
because I was
disoriented.



My wife told me
that me taking
everything she
says so literally is
turning her into a
basket case,which
is nice because
then I'll have
somewhere to keep
my baskets.



Me:"What's the
wifi password?"
Bartender:"You
need to buy a
drink first."
Me:"I'll have a coke."
Bartender:"Is pepsi ok?"
Me:"sure...how much
is that?"
Bartender:"$3"
Me:"There you go,now
what's the wifi password?"
Bartender:"You need to
buy a drink first,no
spaces and all
lowercase."



It's my Grandad's
80th next week
and I've decided
to surprise him
by hiring a
stripper.
I can't wait to see the
look on his face as
he's wanted to get rid
of that old wallpaper
for years.



Doing the dishes is
a lot like having
sex,my wife
would rather use
something mechanical
that does the job
better but most of
the time leaves
me to do it
alone.

[Bikkie]

The Queen asks for no
gun salutes to mark
her 94th birthday as
it would be inapropirate.
Unless of course they're
aimed at Piers Morgan
and James Corden.


Absolutely unbeliveable
what I've been hearing
about people in the
USA daring to go out
and protest to get
the lockdown and
'Restrictions' lifted
early.
Fucking hell,I wish we
had the balls to have
that kind of Resistance
here!



Some people comparing
the protesters to
michigan to Rosa Parks.
To be fair..she was also
a trouble maker who
couldn't follow the rules.



I can't wait for this
lockdown to be lifted.
I just heard my girlfriend
on the phone to her mate
saying when this is all
over I'm going to take
him for quiet walk up
Beachy Head and toss
him off.



After recording his charity
single 'A scouser stole
my zimmer frame'
Captain Tom,You'll never walk
alone!



Captain Tom Moore has
now raised over $40m
There's a rumour he's
going to cash it in
soon.



NHS staff to enlist
Gordon Ramsay,
"Call that a fucking
mask,I'd throw it up
your arse sideways."



All things bright and beauiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The chinese eat them all.



"How's your new Thai
girlfriend Dave?"
"How do you know her name?"



"Just the two of us,no
TV on no phone,just you
and me and a nice
beer or two,just peace
and quiet,what does it
remind you of?"
said my missus.
"Being at that Sam Smith
pub down the road without
the nice beer though."
I answered.



If you plan to make
face masks out of
old bras,make sure
you use the left cup.
we wouldn't want you
looking like a right
tit.



Robert Jenrick revealed
that 400,00 gowns will
arrive in the UK from
Turkey on sunday.
Hopefully there isn't
400,00 Muslims wearing
them.



Before lockdown I used
to have a problem with
alcohol.
Now I love the stuff.



You know your sex life
is shit when your wife
doesn't let you have a
birthday shag anymore.
Especially as my birthday
is February the 29th.



I saw an Egyptian
man sitting in his
brum,brum all
day beeping his
fucking horn.
I say,"Why you fucking
do that?" He say,"I'm
tooting car man."



I have undertaken
a study to find the
answer to what effect
Heavy Metal has on
the human brain.
It actually is
rock it science.



What's the difference
between an enzyme and
a hormone?
You can't hear an
enzyme...



Alter Boys" That's
not a typo,it's the
name of a clinic in
Bangkok.



Black Rights have
come along way
since the days of
slavery.
All they ever wanted
was a fair crack of
the whip.



I find people get
friendlier as I get
older.Only yesterday a
complete stranger
complemented me on
the size of my penis
as I crossed the road.
He said,"OY,Yu big prick
get out of the way."



I buy my drugs from
Leroy down the street.
They're ethnically- soured.

[Bikkie]

American's,do you remember
in "Jaws" when the Mayor
was so concerned about
the economy,he told everyone
it was safe to get back
in the water?



I see America has plans
to save thousands more
lives when the coronavirus
lockdown ends.
They're not opening
schools.



Today the Goverment Furlough
scheme has kicked in and now
I am only receiving 80%
of what I should be paid.
I finally know what it feels
like to be a woman.



I met a bloke who said
he was Richie Blackmore
and used to be in Rainbow.
He must think I'm stupid,when
I was a kid I watched every
episode and it was just
Geoffrey,George,Bungle
and Zippy.



I was in a band
called 'Slap' but
we split up,despite
having a big hit on
our hands.



A polish girl from
the office confided
in me for advice,she
said her new boyfriend
says he will leave her
if she doesn't start
swollowing after a
blowjob,cause it's
disrespectful...I
told her,he sounds
like a bit of a knob,
but he's probably
bluffing,just take
it with a pinch of
salt.
Next day,she came over
to my desk,face scrawled,
I said,"Come for some
more advice?"
"No,I fucking haven't!"
she replied angrily,
"Not from you
anyway....cum tastes
disgusting with a
pinch of salt!"



Watched an old
70's porno earlier
with Woody Allen's
ex-wife and her sister
giving blowjobs to a
well hung scotsman.
It was called....Jocks
Cock And Two Chokin
Farrows.



Teacher:"Now can
class can anyone
say a sentence
containing 'allotment?
Little Johnny:"My
grandad said,a lot
meant about 50c in
his day.



I was in AnE for
4 hours the other
day...Then she
told me it was
spelt with 2 n's.



I went into Farmers
after I saw a sign
saying,'underwear half
off,'but security
kicked me out.



I'm the kind of
guy who believes
in shooting from
the hip.
Fuck this arthritis.


WOMEN wake up yawning,with
their mouths open.
MEN wake up with an
erection coincidence?



My wife's really
pleased with her
new washing machine.
It's got some useful
cycles.
A symthetics cycle a
cotton cycle,and
for those really
stubborn
stains.... ....A
menstrual cycle.



I'm not saying that
I'm unfaithful.
But my mechanic tells
me I need a new
two-timing belt.



This begging in the
21st century is
getting ridculous.
A kid came up to
me today with an
electric cigarette
and asked,"Got a
spare battery
mate."



As a catholic
choirmaster,I also
teach technique on
the organ.
I instruct,"Focus on
the bottom of the
shaft!"



When I go to
sleep,I count all
the sez partners
I've ever had.
I'm Welsh,though,so
it's just counting
sheep!



Roger Daltrey
walks into a
bar...He asks for a
pint,and the
barman says,"Who
the fuck said
that?"



...To the cunt who
stole my
anti-depressant pills.
I hope you're happy
now!



Be wary of your
girlfriend wanting
a dominatrix outfit,they
are usually white and
flowing with a
veil.

[Bikkie]

Always be true to
yourself.Never
listen to those who
tell you what you
can't do.
They told Beethoven
he'd never make music
because he was deaf.
But he didn't listen
to them.



I picked up our
son for my first
contact visit after
the acrimonious
custody battle.
"Don't you dare
forget," growled
my ex-wife."I
want him back
here by 7."
Which I thought
was very generous.
He's only 3 at the
moment so That's
What? 4 years?



The wife sent me
out earlier and
told me to buy
her some beef
stock.
I honestly think
she's retarted for
wanting to invest
in Bovril.



Anyone else notice that
'incest' is an anagram
of 'nicest'?



My friend texted
me yesterday
telling to meet
him a half six.
Well I turned up
at three and he
was three and a
half fucking
late.



Got some great
news today!
My doctor has
encouraged me
to masturbate
more often!!!
Well,he actually
told me I could
have a stroke
any time...



As the wife and
I got closer to
divorce,I said
to her,"Get used
to paying for
your own shopping,
darling...the
Gravy Train is
coming to an end!"
all she did was cry
out hungrily and said
"Wait,there was a
gravy train!?"



Scientists are
now saying that
the Brontosaurus
may never have
existed.
Apparently the
Triceratops and
the Stegosaurus
are also very
questionable.
I'm gutted,because it
means that my pyjamas
are just meaning
less.



Two days after
starting my new
job my boss
caught me asleep
at my desk.
"What are you
doing?" he
demaned."At
your interview I
asked about your
attitude to work
and you told me
you were like a
lion!" "No." I
corrected him."I
said,I like a
lie in."



BMW have announced
improvements to
all models.
They're removed
redundant indicators
but added three
new horns to use as
dick extensions in
case another road
user does something
you don't like.



I don't know why
midgets are here
on Earth.
If anything,they
should be on a
Dwarf Planet.



Boreder patrol...
putting the
"panic" in
Hispanic.



When I was
growing up my
mother would
say:"There are
no real monsters."
To console me.
But now I know the
truth..There are
any they're called
toddlers.



I overdosed on
viagra once.
Hardest day of
my life.



"Do you have any
change for a cup
of tea.?"
"Yeah try coffee."



I don't know this
for a fact,but I'm
pretty sure deaf
people cheat a
charades.



Trust me the
National Lottery
are lying bastards!
You don't get a
tenner if you
have 2 balls.
What you get is a
crazy bitch
shouting,"Get
your bollocks off
the counter,you're
banned for
life!"



We were at this
dealers and
haggling to buy a
used car.He said,
"Why don't you
go ahead and
offer me a round
figure"
"Great,I'll definitely
swap you my fat wife
in exchange for this
rusty peugeot!"



I was upset when
my girlfriend
texted me saying,
"I'm breaking up
with you because
your cock is too
big,it hurts me."
I felt much better
when she sent me
another message
saying,"Sorry,that
text wasn't meant
for you."

[Bikkie]

HEALTH CHEFS: After covid
you'll have a year or so
to prepare for the next
serious health issue which
will affect half the country.
Cirrhisis if the liver.



My alcoholic mate now
refers to scotch as
12 year old hand
sanitiser.




I'm having a coronavirus
star wars sex party tonight.
I'll be hands solo.



Hugh Hefner made millions
by staying at home all
day in his pyjamas.
Unfortunately it doesn't
to be working the same
for me.



Thank goodness the coronavirus
struck now and not twenty years
ago,also you would have been
under quarantine lockdown
with a Nokia 3310,200 texts
and 100 minutes calling
time and before I forget,the
internet was dial up speed
back then.



Batfink:"My wings are like shield of..."
Everyone-"We know what your wings are
like,dickhead.
Avoid the chinese."



James Bond hits
upon hard times
and finds himself
facing a job
seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond
we have two
positions we can
offer you one is
giving lectures to
children on the
benefits of a
career in milking
intelligence,and
the other is in
the fabic staining
department of a
yarn mill," "Do
you expect me to
talk?"
"No,Mr Bond,I expect
you to dye."



The worst part
about being a
giraffe is having a
lot of time to
think about your
mistakes when
you're sinking
into quicksand.



I love woman
who want
equality.I
especially like
the look on their
faces when you
tell them you're
not paying,after
you've drunk
champagne and
eaten the most
expensive meal
on the menu.



My missus said,"You
want to try walking
a mile in my shoes
sometimes,"
pfttt....she
obviously has no
idea what I do when
she fucks off to
bingo.



On our 50th wedding
anniversary my wife
said,"Come on,I want
you to do what you
did on our wedding day."
"I'd love to my dear," I
replied,"But I think
that bridesmaid has
moved away."



Better out than
in,I always say.
About foreigners.



It's true that
dogs are loyal...
But cats don't tell
the police where
you hide your
drugs.

[Bikkie]

Top Tip for chavs
and gangstas...
Avoid having to
say,"d'y'knaa
woorra mean?" or
"Ya git me?"
every 3 seconds,by
simply speaking
properly in the
first place.



I was chatting to
a pretty blonde in
the pub,"would
you sleep with
me if I offered
you 4 million
dollars?"
She thought for a
moment and said,
"Yes,I suppose I
would."
"How about for forty
dollars.?" I asked
"What kind of
woman do you
think I am"?" she
snarled "We've already
established that,"
I replied,"now
we're just haggling
over the price."



A teacher was
explaining to the
class division in
maths,and why
250 couldn't go
into 4."But that
can't be right
Miss," said little
Johnny,"there
are only 4 other
houses on our
street but at
least 250 pakis
go into them."

[Bikkie]

Why do pandas
like old movies?
Because they're
in black and
white.



I'd like to
complain about
my wife taking
the piss.
Earlier I
said,"I would do
anything for you
darling,I love
you so much."
"Oh," she replied,
"If someone tried
to shoot me,would
you stand in front
of the bullet?"
"Of
course I would!" I
exclaimed."And,if
I needed a kidney
transplant,would
you donate one
of yours?"
"Without hesitation,
darling!"
"And if I went to
bed for an hour,would
you put the washing out?"
See what I mean?
Taking the piss.



What do you call
a female Ninja?
A Minja.



My wife asked
me tro try penis
enlargement
because I "disn't
fill her."
Well I tried creams
sprays.exercises,
pumps,herbs,the
lot but none of
them worked
I'm still 11.1/2"
with a 5" girth.



My old Grandad
always used to
say:"Out with the
new...." Lovely
man.shite
Antiques dealer.



I was swtting a
voice recognition
password for my
new phone and a
dog nearby barked
and ran away.
Now I'm looking
for that fucking
dog ot unlock my
phone.



My husband has
cooked me a
lovely meal and
bought some very
nice wine.
I'll bet he's after
sex.Well he can fuck
off,he's staying in
with me.



Three mates outside
a brothel one enters
returns 5 minutes
later with a big
smile his mates
ask,"What was it
like and how much?"
"A beauiful girl
fantastic for $30
she put a pineapple
ring on it and sucked
it off amazing."
Second one went in
and 10 minutes later
he came outside with
a big smile "50 two
pineapple rings
she sucked and licked
it off absolutely
amazing" he said
Third chap goes in
and he was offered the
$30 $50 or the special for
$100 "I'll have the
special" he said 30 minutes
later he came out looking
depressed "Did you have
the $30 or $50?" His mates
asked."No,I had the special
for a $100 she put two
pineapple rings on it a
dollop of icecream and a
cherry on the top."
he said.
"Wow did she lick and suck it
off?" they asked "No" he said
"It looked so nice I ate it
myself."



I texted my boss
and said,"I'm on
the train heading
for the south coast
now."
"What the fuck is
this about," he
replied,"You're
the one who told
me to be in Brighton
early this morning."



Staarted dating a
clairvoyant.I'll
need to pick up
some medium
condoms.


I have a team of
sniffer chickens I
hire out to the
police searching
for black criminals.
They make various hen
noises when hot on
the trail.
I call them the
Clue Clucks Clan.



I stayed in an
islamic hotel on
each of the pillows
was a phrase.
Shahada: Faith
salab: prayer,zakat:charity,
sawm: Fasting,Haij: pilgrimage to
Mecca.They were five pillows
of islam....the bed also
had a blow up
matress.

[Bikkie]

My bonde girlfriend
said,"I put my PIN
number into this
page on Fackbook,and
it says my dream job
would be a fashion model!"
I said,"You put your
PIN number into a facebook
page!
Are you fucking darft?"
"Relax! It was only the
first four digits."



The BBC re to
start a new version
of an old quiz show.
Contestants with
alzheimers are asked
questions about things
they did today and
yesterday.
It's called blankety
blank.



I don't want to
think I'm getting
old or anything,but
all the noises I
used to make during
sex,I now make getting
out of bed.



University! Just the
same as being unemployed.
But your parents are
proud of you.



I got called into
human resources
today because of a
couple of incidents
and was asked if I
knew the difference
between left and
right wing.
I told them to fuck
off as my politics
was my business they
still sacked me though,
turns out aircraft
are fucking expensive
to fix.



If this weekend
you pull a woman
and she taked you
to her home and
there's a banner of
the old soviet union
hanging on the
wall...that's a
big red flag.



I entered a question
competition the
question was what
is kit-kats famous
advertising slogan,and
I won a lifetimes supply
of kit-kats.
I've donated them to
the fracture clinic
at my local hospital
to give to the
patients.


48% of Americans
don't believe in
Evolution...Which
is a good indication
that they haven't
evolved.



Say pyeonychang out loud.
Sounds like a bullet
fired onto a rusty
metal.



"What's your
favourite tipple?"
"Vodka," "Neat or
with a mixer?"
"With a mixer."
"Which one?"
"Vodka."



my chinese friend
got really sick
one day and he had
to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the
next day,but all he
kept whispering was
"Chun Yu Yan,Chun Yu Yan"
over and over-and then
he died.
It was so sad and I
really struggled
with not knowing what
his last words were,but
I got the courage to
look up the translation
after his burial...
Apparently it means
"You're standing on mny
fucking oxygen
tube."



Brunette:"I wish
I had a front wheel
drive car but mine's
rear wheel drive."
Blonde:"Why not
travel everywhere
in reverse?"

[Bikkie]

Most of the films
I watch are
defintely not
suitable viewing
for children,which
is ironic,because
they make up most
of the cast.



One thing is
guaranteed when
a woman starts
an argument the
arugument isn't
really about what
you're arguing
about.



I wasn't sure
what to get the
wife for her
birthday,so I got
her this frivolous
present where I
named a newly
discovered dinosaur
fossil after her.
Bigfatbitchasaurus.



What do black
women and hockey
goalies have in
common?
They both wear
their pads for 3
periods.



I got a phone call
from school telling
me my son had been
hurt in an accident
and was in the burns
unit.
I went fucking mad,this
was no time to be
teaching him shit scottish
poetry,he should be in
a hospital.



If your wife ever
says she wants to
go anywhere you
don't want to,simply
say,"Oh yeah,that's
where the really hot
bonde works."
Problem solved.



The gay bloke at
work told me he
had tried several
rings before
deciding to get
married and wear
his husbands.



Paddy's wife was
ready to give birth
so he rushes her
to hospital.
On arrival the nurse
asks,"How dilated
is she?" To which
Paddy replies,"Oh
Jayus we're both
over the fucking
moon."



If Forrest Gump
had a computer,would
his password be
1 Forrest 1?



One for the
trekkies here....
An often asked
star-trek question
is when you step
onto the plate of
the matter
transporter to be
beamed down to a
planet,is it you
that arrives or just
a copy of you,with
your thoughts and
memories,and
have you as an
enity ceased to
exist?
Would the soul travel
too,or is our mind
just a collection of
ramdom electrical
patterns within
that brain that no
longer exists?
If asked,the person
at the other end if
it is still you,it
would obviously
say yes.So the
question is would you
willingly step onto
the pad to be beamed
down?
Or are you like me
and think it's a
load of bullocks
anyway so why fucking
worry?

[Bikkie]

You know you're a
good mum when
you sacrifice your
vibrator batteries
for your kids
toys.



A dyslexic terrorist
has stormed the
London zoo making
random demands.
He has taken six
ostriches...



Laptop
speakers!...too
quiet for music...too
loud for porn!



I've just released
my first single on
7" vinyl.A side: Oh
I do like to be
B side: The seaside.



A scotsman and
his wife walked
past a swanky new
restuarant in town!
"Did you smell that
food?" she
asked..."It smells
absolutely incredble!"
Being a kindhearted
fella,he thought "What
the hell..Ill treat
her" so he walked
her past again.!!



I've just listened
to The Rolling Stones
singing She's A Rainbow..and
I've only just worked out
it's about a girl who likes
shoving crayons in and out
of her fanny.
It fucking well is she cums
in,many colours,Filthy
bitch....



I'm having trouble digging
up some stubbornn tree roots.
What I need is a big strong
spade.
I'll give Leroy a shout
next door.



When I'm having
sex,the one thing
I really like my wife
to do is....the
shopping.



As soon as The Beatles
made money they moved
to London.
Where it was safer to
leave their property
unattened whilst
on tour.



I've been cracking
subtle jokes about
slavery to the new
black guy in my
office all week.
He still hasn't
cottoned on.



Someone has just
bet me that I
cannot make a
sentence without
using the letter 'e'
How the fuck am I
going to do that?



I said to my gay
mate "If you
could go anywhere
in the solar system
where would it be?"
"Uranus"
he replied.



After being a
window cleaner
for about five
years now,I've
decided to look
for a new job.
I always feel
as though I'm on
the outside looking
in.



RELIGIOUS SHIT:
Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens,it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens,it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.

TV Evangelism: Send more shit.


Athesim: No shit.

Jehovah's Witness: knock knock,shit happens.

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens,maybe it doesn't.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.

Existentialism: What is shit anyway?

Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.



So when
spider-man
sprays a sticky
substance over
someone,he's
awesome.
When I do it,I'm a
fucking pervert.



Just mentioned
to the missus
that I've always
had a bit of a
thing for Beyonce.
"Whatever floats
your boat."
she said,"No" I said
"that's buoyancy."

[Bikkie]

The teacher said,
"Today we're
going to talk
about sayings
that used to be
common,but
are unacceptable and
offensive."
"Nigger in the
woodpile miss,"
said Little
Johnny,"Well
that certainly is
one." said the
teacher,rather
shocked,"But
today we would
say "Fly in the
ointment." "Sure
miss," replied
Little Johnny,
"There's a fly in
the ointment
then out there by
where they're
doing the
renovation....This
one's waving a
knife."



When my new
girlfriend asked
me how many
sexual partners
I'd had,I learnt it
was best not to
ask,"Do I include
prosititutes."



Why is it that
animals have only
two genders?



# This generation #
Sticks and stones
my break my
bones...but
words send me
into a crippling
depression...



I told my wife
how everytime I
see her,there's
one Beatles song
she always
reminds me of.
"Oooh what is it?"
she swooned,
"Something,Love
Me Do?" "No,
"She So Heavy."



The other day a
girl asked me
what marks I
would give her.
"Well," I said,"If
you were to put
on some lipstick
to accentuate
your sexy lips,a
skintight dress to
show off your
gorgeous figure,
and some sexy
lingerine to
emphasis your
petite breasts,I
would give you a
solid eight out of
ten." Anyway,long
story short,she
was talking about
her year nine geography
assignment.



My wife is a true
patniotic scot.
She burns supper
every night.

[Bikkie]

What's the difference
between a kind woman
and an unkind woman?
Wether the camera
is switched on or
not.



Paddy:"Every morning
I wake up and wonder
if the world will end
today?"
Murphy:"I doubt it-it's
already tomorrow in
Austrailia."



I don't understand
modern obession
with shaved pubes
both female and male.
In my day it was part
of foreplay to pick
the hairs from
each-other's
teeth.



A mathematican
is given a
psychological
test.
The first question
asked,"You see a
burning house
and a hose disconnected
from a fire hydrant.
What do you do?"
After much deliberation
the Mathemation decides
he would attach the
hose to the hydrant.
He is then asked
"You see a non-burning
house and a hose disconnected
from a fire hydrant,what do
you do?" to which the
Mathemation immediately
respondes,"I'll set the
house on fire to reduce
this to a problem I've
already solved."



I lived my
whole life
without essential
oils,so what makes
them essential?