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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1816
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Deaf people are more at risk of covid.
    The rest of us must have heard
    immunity.



    When I first saw my wife on her dating
    profile,she wrote she was "Looking for her
    stallion."
    It's completely ironic as these days she's the
    fucking hores.



    The wife says I am an animal in bed-like
    the mighty lion.
    Sex lasts thirty seconds,then I nap for ten
    hours,wake up,and nick her food.



    'Charlie Theron says she was was asked to do six
    weeks more car training than male co-stars
    on the Italian Job.'
    They must have watched her parking when
    she arrived.



    "How old are you?"
    "You never ask a lady her age."
    "I know.How old are you?"



    "69"
    "Cheeky fucker,I'm 55."
    "I didn't ask your age."



    My pet name for my girlfriend is
    Hummingbird.
    She thinks it's because she's small and cute.
    Buts it's really because there's too much flap.



    The little Asian guy who owns the corner
    shop is a black belt karaoke.
    You don't fuck with Mr Singh.



    I've successfully crossed A Jack Russell with
    Shih Tzu.
    I don't know wether to call it a Shit Russell
    or a Jack Shit.



    Cheer up a moody feminisit by telling her she
    has a great arse.

  2. #1817
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    It seems if you trace the Queens royal line
    back to the start of the Plantagenets,you get
    to Richard of Cainsburgh,3rd Earl of
    Cambridge second son of Edmund of
    Langley,1st Duke of York,and spanish
    Princess Isabella of Castille.
    That spanish line traces its ancestry back to
    king Alfanso the IV of Castille who married
    his mistress Zaida of Seville a muslim.
    Princess that can trace her family back to
    Fatima daughter of Mohammed.
    Which explains Prince Andrew.



    Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang was asked how
    he managed to drop the F.A. Cup after winning
    the final.
    He replied,"Well I've been carrying the whole
    team all season and they wanted me to carry
    the cup too."

  3. #1818
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Evening Standard: Prince
    Andrew has been seen
    with the Accuser.
    Fuck me! He's hired
    Japenese gangsters for
    protection.



    The independent: David
    Attenborough teams up
    with Rapper Dave.
    And why not? He's always
    had a good rapport with
    primates.



    Study: 25% of British
    toddlers know how to use
    an ipad.
    That's nothing 100% of
    Chinese toddlers know
    how to make one.



    Oh boy! My parents are
    getting a doggie! I've
    already found a collar and
    a leash hidden under their
    bed!

  4. #1819
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    This eat out to help out is a load of bullocks.
    20 minutes I went down on my local
    prostitute and did I get a tenner off?
    Like fuck I did!



    Simon and Garfunkel are
    to re-record one of their
    classic songs in Beirut.
    "The Sound Of Sirens"

  5. #1820
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    My 13 year old said
    to me,"Dad,with all this
    conflicting information
    on social media,in the
    news and in the papers i'm
    getting really confused.
    I understand that some
    opinions are more valid
    than others but,with all
    the noise,all the time,
    how do you know what to
    believe,what to think?"
    "That's easy,son," I
    replied."Your mother tells
    me."



    My girlfriend was trying
    to help me improve my
    cunnilingus technique.
    "Just imagine you're
    taking a long lick of a cool
    ice-cream," she coaxed.
    A couple of seconds later
    she screamed,"Ow! what
    the fuck was that?"
    I replied,"Sorry,just biting
    the end off the Flake."



    You can't spell
    Black Sabbath without
    abba.



    I found an old unframed
    oil painting in my loft
    yesterday of a beauiful
    naked lady......So I mounted
    it.



    Why does everyone
    want to touch a pregnant
    woman's belly?
    Don't they know boobs
    need attention too?



    What did the male soap
    say to the female soap?
    Can I hold your Palmolive?
    Not on your Lifebuoy!



    I've been trying to buy
    a train ticket online for
    over an hour now and I'm
    getting really pissed off.
    It keeps asking me ,'Where
    do you want to go?'
    So I click on 'Home'and then it
    makes me start all over
    again.

  6. #1821
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    What do you call a Greek necrophiliac?
    Nick Fukakakis.



    In Wales,'play areas such as ball pits,which
    cannot be easily cleaned should remain
    closed.'
    Getting balls deep is still banned under
    lockdown.
    Sheep across the country have breathed a
    sigh of relief.



    Having seen loads of
    girls on Facebook like the
    page "Any dick can make
    a baby,but it takes a real
    man to be a dad," I've
    made my own page-"Any
    womb can make a baby,but
    it takes real slag to pop
    out five kids by five
    blokes and live off
    benefits"



    My wife said to me."You
    just can't see the forest
    through the trees can
    you?"
    "You got that right" I
    replied,handing her the
    razor,"I think it's time you
    fucking shaved it."



    Two men are approaching
    each other on a sidewalk.
    Both are dragging their
    right foot as they walk.
    As they meet,one
    man looks at the other
    knowingly,points to his
    foot and says,"Vietnam,1969"
    The other points his
    thumb behind him and
    says,"Dog shit,20 feet
    back."

  7. #1822
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I was part of an exciting experiment recently
    to investigate the side effects of a new
    haemorrhoid cream.
    There was a lot of ozze and ahhs around the
    lab.



    Nice online preview of Beyonce's "Black is
    king" project...
    I wonder if it contains views of her black
    hair or "appropriated" straight hair?
    #whitehairmatters



    'Brewery apologises for using Maori word for
    pubic hair,Huruhuru,in beer name'
    I'd be more worried about any "special"
    ingredients.

  8. #1823
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Looks like the old Rona's
    out of control in The U.S.
    China's waiting for their
    collapse.Then they invade.
    Europe's no match for the
    chinese military.
    Russia will not allow
    china to grow so
    powerful.
    Trump is a cunt with his
    finger on the nukes.
    Do you see where I'm
    going with this....
    Mad Max was set in 2021



    My mate asked me where
    I buy my disposable gloves.
    "I don't buy them,I
    just try on the one's
    lying about the carpark
    till I find a pair that fits."
    He said.."Seriously mate,that
    is so dangerous,you're putting
    yourself and others at risk."
    "fuck sake" I repled....I'm
    not totally stupid,I turn them
    inside out first."

  9. #1824
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    To our Amercian cousins:

    It's lift,not elevator.

    Cash machine,not ATM

    Hospital,not business.



    Meghan Markle saw Prince Charles as a
    'second father.'
    Funny enough so did Prince Harry.



    Initially.
    Your first response on a mate's stag do to
    Rome,when the wife phones to ask where
    you are.



    I went into my local shop to buy some
    Dairylea cheese.
    They said they cannot sell it because the
    government says they have to stop the
    spread.



    Yet another Bame footballer breaks the rules

    #BLM-Behave Like Morons.



    Prince Harry was 'delightfully surprised' when
    Meghan Markle was happy to shit in the
    woods while camping in Botswana.
    Thus creating a whole new rhetorical proverb.

  10. #1825
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    BBC News: Democratic
    presidential candiate
    Joe Biden has named
    Senator Kamala Harris as
    his running mate-the first
    black woman and Asian
    American in the role.
    It took the Americans this
    long to work out who the
    better runners were.




    "Biden VP pick: Susan
    Rice,the diplomat and
    lighting rod"
    The black woman and
    serial liar with her white
    husband on her arm
    and her hand in Hillary
    Clinton's pocket.



    Who remembers that
    horrific advert a few years
    back...
    If you hit me at 30...
    there's an 80% chance
    I'll live...
    If you hit me at 40...
    there's an 80% chance
    I won't be available to pick
    you out in court.

    THINK!

  11. #1826
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    They said the term "Chinese Virus" is racist,
    Then they said the term "Kung Flu" is racist,
    So from now on,I will call it the
    Wu Ping Cough.



    Hooters have belatedly,launched a home
    delivery service.
    It's called Front Door Knockers.
    Order now for a titillating
    delivery.



    If Russia wants to be the first country to
    produce a vaccine....
    ....Then Soviet.



    "Big Brother is watching you."
    I said to my Feminist daughter.
    "Fuck off dad,I don't want to hear about any
    of your deranged right-wing conspiracy
    theories."
    "No,not that,I mean I went to change a blub
    in Timmy's bedroom and found his
    peephole."



    I'll never forget my first shag.
    The hot arse told me I must use a
    condom.
    I was too shy to ask the bloke in the
    pharmacy for some and before I had the
    courage to ask for them I had already
    bought a pair of tweezers and a dummy.
    I n the end the pharmacist said,"Make
    your mind up son,do you want to suck
    it pluck it or fuck it?"



    On it's release,the 80's
    martal arts cheesefest
    'No Surrender'
    was banned briefly in
    some countries,including
    France.
    Presumably while they
    looked up the phrase
    'no surrender.'

  12. #1827
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    As Prince Charles remembered VJ Day 75
    years ago his brother Andrew remembered
    BJ Day 19 years ago.



    You know Eilzabeth Warren isn't a real Native
    American because she doesn't have one of
    those traditional names like "Sitting Bull" or
    "Running Elk."
    Although,I suppose you could call her "Lying
    Cow."

  13. #1828
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    Kamala Harris becoming
    U.S president is a disinct
    possibility with Joe Biden's
    health.
    I bet Harry has already
    done the rounds and got
    Meghan the role in the
    docu-drama series.



    I can't wait to see the
    Deed tribute act in
    November.
    Or Abba,as they used to
    be known.



    The most popular names
    for African American
    babies are Demarco and
    Beyonce.
    Of course,if they followed
    the Native American
    tradition of naming their
    child after the first thing
    they see after birth,they'd
    be Running Boo and welfare
    check.


    I'm seeing a lot of of stuff on
    social media about how
    'Blue Lives Matter.'
    I reckon if someone's turned
    blue,it's a bit late to debating
    whether or not their life matters
    anyway.



    My regular prosititute had
    a special ofter:"Two For
    The Price Of One."
    Anyway,the other guy
    seemed really nice.



    When Apple expanded their business and
    made a website for porn,they called it
    "I-came."
    Next they expanded further into making
    implements for woodwork.
    This one they called "I-saw."
    Right now,there's a group of employess
    at Apple who are losing their shit trying
    to come up with something they can call
    "I-Conquered."

    Suggestions are welcome

  14. #1829
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    I used to go out with an
    independent MP.
    That was no party.
    So I went out with a mountain
    climber.
    That soon peaked and was all downhill
    from there.
    So I went out with an hologist but
    I had to watch myself all the time.
    Then I went out with a fortune
    teller,but I couldn't see any
    future in it.
    So I went out with a siamese twin,but
    she acted like we were joined at the
    hip.
    Then I went out with a police cadet,she
    had arresting good looks but was really
    jailbait.
    Anyway,I ended up with an accountant.
    Figures.



    Jeremy Clarkson once
    again spent A Level
    results day bragging to
    everyone that he got a C
    and two U's.
    I was only aware of him
    having a C and one U...

  15. #1830
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    Sick Text Jokes

    Abba's Dancing Queen has
    been voted the best ever
    song to dance to.
    Next,they're going to
    surey the heterosexual
    clubs.



    They say that salmon
    can jump higher than the
    Empire State Building.
    Hardly a great feat though
    is it,considering the
    Empire State Building
    can't jump.



    A lot of rock bands
    came up with their name
    while taking drugs.
    Dire Straits came up
    with theirs after smoking
    an entire pack of
    Marlbro Red.



    "Filmmakers told to ditch
    sex scences to protect
    actors from coronavirus."
    Looks like the porn
    industry is fucked.



    I just hired a musician to
    look after my fishing
    equipment during my
    flight.
    Rod Steward.



    Our street is like a
    snooker game.
    All the colours under the
    sun on it,but only the
    white does any work.


    Gays:

    Mount Sinai is not an
    instruction.



    Yesterday I visited the
    birthplace of the man who
    invented the Toothbrush.
    I didn't see any plaque?



    Spice up your water fights
    by adding chili blended
    water in your guns.



    A hungry traveller stopped
    at a monastery and was
    taken to the kitchen where
    a brother was frying
    chips....
    "Are you the friar?" he
    asked.
    The brother replied,"no
    I'm the chip monk.



    My wife said to me:"You
    just can't see the forest
    through the tree can
    you?"
    "You got that right" I
    replied,handing her the
    razor,"I think it's time you
    fucking shaved it."



    I took this drunk bird back
    to my place and we did it
    doggy style.
    Not because we planned it
    that way,but that's just
    how she passed out.

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