Page 123 of 178 FirstFirst ... 2373113121122123124125133173 ... LastLast
Results 1,831 to 1,845 of 2665

Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1831
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Are you allowed to own a copy of
    The Beatles White Album any
    more?



    What's the big deal with doing Black face?
    Nobody complained like this when Michael
    Jackson did white face.



    I had a Tinder date last night with a
    woman I arranged to cheat with,and
    unbeliverabaly she turned out to be
    a feminist.
    "Hey,that's great what you said on
    your profile," I said,"That you never
    object to sex."
    She threw wine in my face and stormed
    off growling,"NO,I said I'm sick of
    being treated likke a sex object."



    Production of the Australian version of
    "The Masked Singer" has been cancelled
    due to a
    COVID outbreak among crew members.
    Think about the irony of the title
    for a moment.



    With American Football teams changing their
    names thanks to this Black Lives Matter
    bullshit,when the southern California
    Apaches get forced to change theirs I'd
    like to suggest something totally inoffensive.
    The California Wildfires.



    Fucking hell those fires in California are
    severe!
    The only things that can possibly survive
    them will be cockroaches and
    Donald Trump.




    Minjee Lee was born to be a top female
    golfer.
    Even her names have a hole in one.

  2. #1832
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Speed dating

    Him:"Well hello sexy"
    Her:"Hello"
    Him:"You don't seem too
    enthusiasic"
    Her:"Just get on with it"
    Him:"Are you into well
    hung black men?"
    Her:"Not since the 1870's

    The end.



    I rang my boss tonight and
    said,"they have 7 cases
    of Corona in the house
    opposite."
    He replied,"don't whatever
    you do come into work
    for a few weeks," then he
    hung up.
    I never even got to tell
    him they also have 6
    cases of Stellar Artois as
    well!



    What's 6 inches long,pink
    and make my wife moan
    all day?
    Her fucking tongue!



    A lot of money could be
    saved around Halloween
    this year....
    You'll scare more people
    by not wearing any
    fucking mask.



    My sister was posing and
    taking selfies,"My body is
    a temple," she said to me.
    "Are you sure it's not a
    Mosque with the amount
    of pakis that have been in
    it." I replied.



    A genie walks into a bar
    "Give me a pint of larger
    and I will grant you a
    wish."
    "Oh,not again," says the
    barman."I wish you'd
    just pay for your pint like
    everyone else."

  3. #1833
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I'd like to congratulate Black Panther
    for being the first black death ever
    that wasn't because of being shot by
    a white cop.



    Chadwick Boseman:Black Panther
    star dies of cancer aged 43!!!
    He really was in the Endgame!!!




    The bad news:Chadwick Boseman,actor
    who portrayed 'Black Panther' has
    died.
    The good news Jacob Blake has really
    gone the extra mile to portray the
    first black superman.



    The wife was furious when she
    opened her new butt plug on
    her birthday "But I overheard
    you telling your sister that
    you were interested in buying
    one!"
    "I said I was interested in
    joining book club!"






    I said "Waiter there's a fly
    in my soup"
    He replied,"It also appears to
    has one's cock in it as well."



    My wife really impressed staff
    when she used French phrases
    and adhered to French etiquettes
    at the Bouchon.
    Yet when I squinted my eyes and
    said,"Me want bowl of filed lice"
    at the chinese restaurant,they took
    the prawn cracker basket off my head
    and asked me to leave.



    They say that you can't teach an old
    dog new tricks...well I can,I just
    threw my old dog on the fire and said
    "Get off" and he did.
    Actually I made him do it three times
    just to prove it wasn't a fluke.

  4. #1834
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Just got an email from my
    car insurance company
    asking,"If you only had
    5 litres of fuel,how
    would you use it?"
    Torching maori's wasn't
    the sort of answer they
    were looking for.
    can anyone recommend
    a new insurance company
    please?



    I was in Pak n'Save,doing
    my weekly shop,I was in
    the queue for the check-out
    with a loaded trolley,when
    I noticed a sweet old dear
    behind me with just 1 tin
    of cat food.
    I said "Is that all you have
    love?" She nodded,so I did
    the decent thing and said
    "Well if I were you,I'd
    fuck off and find another
    aisle because I'm gonna
    be fucking ages."



    I recently lost my sex
    drive.
    Or to put it more accurately,those
    fucking idiots at PC world recently
    lost my sex drive.



    My telly is a bit like an
    American cop.
    Doesn't handle blacks very
    well.



    A dung beetle walks into
    a bar and says to the
    bartender,"Excuse me,is
    this stool taken?"



    Got to admit,when I first
    heard of BLM I thought it
    was a sandwich,like a
    BLT.
    Which would explain why
    I got into so much shit
    at work.
    When I said I prefer it
    when it's white only,I
    meant the fucking bread.

  5. #1835
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I've just found out that
    Mick Jagger has been
    sharing my Apple account
    storage.
    If you're reading this Mick,I've
    only got one thing to say.
    Hey you,get off of my cloud.



    It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.
    She's been leaving jewellery
    catalogues all over the house.
    So I've bought her a magazine
    rack.





    "At the end of the day" my
    father alwys said,"the most
    important thing is that nobody
    gets hurt."
    Nice man,uselesss boxer.



    After an extremely tense
    argument with my girlfriend,the
    house was so quiet you could hear
    a pin drop.
    Things got a lot worse when I
    saw the grenade fly towards me.



    I went to a mystic in
    Wolverhamton recently,she said,
    "You'll meet a tall dark stranger."
    "Of course I will" I replied,"But
    I need you to be more
    specific."
    "Like what?"
    I said,"will the cunt have a
    gun or a knife?"



    Snuggling up on the sofa,my
    wife asked,"After 15 years,can
    you imagine being married to
    anyone else but me?"
    30 minutes later I shook
    muself and said,"Sorry
    love,what was that?"


    When Donald Trump said:
    "Make America great
    again."
    Do you think he meant...
    "Make America The Great
    Depression again"?

  6. #1836
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I was leering down a big
    titted blonde's top when
    she said "You're supposed
    to keep 2 metres away
    from fellow shoppers!"
    I said "you don't look like
    a fellow to me..."



    Honeybee venom contains
    an extremely potent chemical
    that kills breast cancer cells
    in minutes.
    Be aware,there's a chance of
    ending up with hives.



    Coronavirus originally
    passed from bat to man,
    and now it's passed to
    Batman.



    I was a crack baby.
    Unlike my brother,was
    a caesarian section.



    I'm not saying my son
    in-law is thick but he
    thinks Nil by mouth is
    a seaside.



    I was at the airport,
    checking in at the gate
    when an airport employee
    asked,"Has anyone put
    anything in your baggage
    without your knowledge?"
    To which I replied."If
    it was without my knowledge,
    how would I know?"
    He smiled knowingly and
    nodded,"That's why we ask."



    Donald Trump has said
    that the police shooting
    of a black man in wisconsin
    is unamerican.
    I disagree! I think it is
    very very very american.



    My new girlfriend's been
    around a bit.
    I offered her a sandwich
    and she said "sure bring
    him over."



    What do you call Will.i.am's
    brother?
    Will.i.fuck

  7. #1837
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Poor Phil Foden.

    Kicked out of England
    squad for taking a girl
    back to his hotel room,
    sent home in disgrace
    and now his long term
    girlfriend has told him to
    self isolat by sleeping on
    the sofa...

    Till Xmas

    2023



    Phil Foden and Mason
    Greenwood were sent
    home from England duty
    after being caught with
    local girls in their hotel.

    Tiger Woods sent them a
    message:

    'Amateurs'

  8. #1838
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I'm sorry to have to leak a
    secret memo,but there's
    an asteroid the size of
    the Isle of Wight heading
    straight for Earth and due
    to hit on/around the 2nd
    of November.
    Donald Trump doesn't
    want to panic peolpe
    and will therefore let
    Americans know about it
    in December.




    Because of the California
    wildfires,San Francisco
    has been covered with so
    much smoke that the sky
    was dark as night.
    Or was Willies Nelson's
    Tour Bus passing through.

  9. #1839
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Rick Wakeman is on the
    verge of recruiting U2
    guitarist for a new version
    of his classic album.

    He's Close To The Edge.



    Was listening to some
    U2 songs with everything
    muted except the guitars.

    Very Edgy Sound.



    Was listening to some U2
    songs with all the guitars
    muted.

    Kinda takes the edge off it.

  10. #1840
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Barbados have annouced
    they are going to remove
    the Queen as head of
    state.What could go
    wrong? It worked well
    for A fghanistan,Belize,
    Botswana,Egypt,The Gambia,
    Ghana,India,Jamaica,Kenya,
    Kuwait,Lesotho,Libya,Malawi,
    Myanmar,Pakistan,Sudan,Tonga
    and Uganda.



    It's kind of understandable
    how Donald Trump can stand
    there and tell us that global
    warming is a myth.
    After all,he doesn't live
    on the same planet as the
    rest of us.



    Matt Hancock was visiting
    an old people's home as
    a publicity stunt to show
    how sympathetic he was to
    the covid problem in the
    elderly.
    He went up to an old lady
    in a wheelchair and said,
    "Do you know who I am?"
    "No" she said,"but if you
    ask the nurse on the front
    desk she will tell you."



    After my wife passed
    her BGT audition,I can't
    believe that for the first
    album,she and my daughter
    are rehearsing to record
    with their
    women's group an album
    of "Feminist Christmas
    Carols"...( Hyrrs,not Hymns )

    Trump's Nuts Roasting on
    an Open Fire,Deck the
    Halls with Bowels of Boris,
    All I want for Christmas
    is to undo Brexit,I saw
    Mummy Raped by Santa Claus,
    Mistletoe and Whine,and I'm
    Dreaming of a No-White-Men
    Christmas.



    BBC News Article."I got a
    job after 280 rejections"
    Sounds a lot like my
    marriage.



    I'm not happy with the
    body I'm in so I'm finally
    going to do something
    about it.
    I'm going to fuck her sister
    instead!



    Until recent,I've always
    found it a strange
    concidence that so many
    liberals are so vigorous
    about mask wearing.
    I couldn't find a logical link
    between the two things,
    Then it dawned on me.
    They're all ugly fuckers.



    Simple Quiz

    A) Water pulled up in
    buckets from this.

    B) Common Lubricant.

    C) Meat export from
    Argentina.

    D) Abbreviation of 10th
    month of year.

    Answers:
    A) Well

    B) Oil

    C) Beef

    D) Oct

    Now quickly shout out the
    answers.

  11. #1841
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    "Do you think there will
    be a Covid vaccine by
    Christmas?" my Granny
    asked.
    "I shouldn't worry about it
    Gran,your Doctor showed
    me the results of your x-rays
    and blood tests today."
    Probably wasn't the best
    answer.



    I was telling someone
    here how in my house we
    don't celebrate Christmas.
    "Oh right,I figured a
    religious conservative
    nutter like you was
    Jehovah's Witness or
    something."
    "No,just a tight cunt."



    It's bullshit that men can't
    multitask.
    I have 3 families and a
    girlfriend.



    I like most people these
    days use metric.That is
    until it comes to telling
    someone the size of your
    cock,then 150mm does
    not sound too impressive.



    I enrolled my gay son
    in a boxing lesson to try
    and toughen the little
    faggot up,but he was not
    enthused.
    He said,"Dad this is not
    what I meant when I said
    I wanted to be 'battered
    around the ring!"



    My wife has been going
    to the gym and she is
    starting to look that good
    that I've had to tell her
    sister that she'd better
    start to get herself in shape.



    I can't believe how upset
    my wife got when I told
    her I am considering
    starting to keep a bear as
    a pet.
    She said she wasn't
    worried about her safety,
    just "competition" at the
    fridge.



    Goal-line technology's
    nothing new to me.My
    wife's been asking me for
    years whether it was in or
    not.



    What do you call
    a Russian gender
    reassignment surgeon?
    Pulya Dickoff.



    Has anyone else been
    ripped off on eBay?
    I bought a deep fat fryer
    the other day ( supposedly
    brand new )
    It had a chip in it.



    I was at the bar and I
    ordered a pint of larger
    and a pepsi for the wife
    and went to sit down.
    She said,"Where's the
    straw?"
    So I went back over to the bar
    and said,"Have you got a
    straw for the coke?"
    The landlord replied,"Just
    use a rolled up fiver like
    everybody else."



    Just been to a local club
    with the wife and found
    we had to have our
    temperatures taken and
    then sign in with a contact
    name and telephone number.
    Only 1 name necessary so wifey
    signs in as;

    KAREN AVIRIES

    It's going to be hilarious if
    contact tracing ring us.




    Junkies are great at social
    distancing.
    They're always spaced
    out.



    Phillip Schofield has to
    give his wife half of
    $18m fortune as a divorce
    settlement.
    What a bummer.



    All Phillip Schofield wants
    in return is her ongoing
    loyalty as he plans to
    share $18m fortune in an
    amicable divorce from his
    wife.
    Oddly all she wants in
    return is cock.



    Later we'll be discussing
    the new craze of taking
    ecstasy then having sex
    on your back.Coming
    uo whilst cumming up is
    coming.



    Last week my next door
    neighbour asked me,
    "Seeing as our houses
    are the same design,can
    I ask how many rolls of
    wallpaper you bought to
    decorate the living room?"
    "Thirteen," I said.
    Today he came round
    lookinh angry."I've got
    three rolls left over!"
    "So did I!" I said.



    I had driven my secretary
    into the countryside miles
    from anywhere,she had
    unzipped me and was
    just about to go down on
    me.She looked at me,
    all.flushed and said in a
    husky voice,"Would you
    like to make me drink?"
    With unbelievable
    disappointment,I zipped
    up again,drove back to
    the office and put the
    kettle on.


    At the restaurant the
    pretty waitress asked
    "How do you like your
    steak sir?"
    I said "The same way Ilike
    my sex."
    She said "Very rare then?"



    Snow White can only
    allow 6 of the dwarfs into
    her home.None of them
    are Happy.




    Snow White is such an
    unrealistic character.
    In my experience,you
    can put a lot more than
    your tongue in a woman's
    mouth before she wakes
    up.

  12. #1842
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Nasa plans to put a
    woman on the moon by
    2024.
    It would have been 2022
    but they need two more
    years to develop an
    automatic gearbox
    for the lunar rover.



    Well,my grandad was on
    the Western Front and
    he reckoned it was really
    moisy.



    I've been banned from
    our local petrol station
    for playing "The Who" too
    loudly on my car stereo....
    I won't get fuelled again.




    If any of you believe in
    love at first sight....
    ....look once,look twice....
    then run like fuck.


    "My shout boys,what are
    you having? Fuck,it's
    after ten,sorry boys."
    Jews in pubs.



    My wife said,"For $20,000 would
    you sleep with my best friend?"
    I said,"Of course.But where
    am I going to get $20,000?"



    I've come to the sad realisation
    that the only way a woman would touch
    my cock is if I was a poultry farmer.



    I was sacked at my my lasy job
    before I'd even finished my training.
    We did one of those fucking irritating
    icebreakers and the question was "What
    movie title describes your sex life?"
    After going around the room and hearing
    cliched answers like Deep Impact and
    Get Hard,the trainer turned to me and
    said,"I didn't quite get yours,Deep
    Blue Sea?"
    I replied,"No,it's Deep Blue C.I'm a
    necrophiliac."



    I was at a bar the other
    day and I saw a hen party
    wearing T-shirts printed
    with the words Penis Police.
    I asked them what it meant.
    They said that if I had
    an average-sized penis,I
    would be charged with a
    misdemeanour.If I has
    a large penis,I would be
    charged with a felony.
    Anyway,long story short,
    they gave me a parking
    ticket.


    I asked my doctor for his
    opinion on when the covid
    pandemic would be over.
    He replied "How the hell
    would I know? I'm a doctor
    not a politician."

  13. #1843
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Did you hear they are
    changing the Uncle Ben's
    Logo?
    Everyone thought it was
    ricest.


    BBC News.Man dies from
    eating more than a bag of
    liquorice a day.
    I guess it takes all sorts.



    In my opinion rap is a
    talentless music genre,
    I mean it's so easy a
    monkey could do it.





    Give an infinite number
    of monkeys an infinite
    number of typewriters,
    and they will eventually
    write the entire works of
    Shakepeare.
    Give one monkey a pad
    and a pen and he'll knock
    out a rap album in a



    "Woman turns home into
    museum dedicated to
    black women."

    Dawn Butler:the woman
    who could find racism in
    an egg cup.
    Diane Abbott:the
    most senile woman in
    parliament.
    Ihan Omar:the only
    Member of congress to
    marry her own brother.
    Oprah Winfrey:the
    dumbest woman ever to
    make a billion dollars.



    IRISH OPEN NEWS:
    Shane Lowry has eight
    bogies...
    Filthy mongrel eating
    snotters.




    Former Aussie batsman Dean Jones,has
    died aged 59.
    That wasn't a very good innings.

    Well,some cunt had to say it.

  14. #1844
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Did you hear they are
    changing the Uncle Ben's
    Logo?
    Everyone thought it was
    ricest.



    Uncle Ben's rice is to
    change its name to
    something less racially
    sensitive.
    May I suggest "Rice,
    proper white food."



    If your wondering why
    Uncle Ben's rice has been
    renamed Ben's Original
    and the black gut has
    disappeared,I guess it's
    because he got a girl
    pregnant.




    In a effort to avoid racial
    stereotypes Uncle Ben's
    rice has been forced to
    embark on amulitimillion
    dollar re-branding.
    Uncle Adolf's should be in
    all major supermarkets by
    winter time.



    How many calories are in
    eating pussy?
    Depends on which way
    she wipes.



    I've just spent ten minutes
    trying to lick my own cock
    with my dog staring at
    me like I'm some kind of
    weirdo.



    The local stationary shop
    has moved.
    How ironic.



    For some reason,women
    get really annoyed when a
    man watches pornography
    on their phone.
    It's why I no longer work at
    the Apple store.



    As a response to anti
    racist harmonious living
    Mars are bringing out a
    special edition chocolate
    selection with milk and
    white chocolate in the
    same packet.
    Black and White
    Minstrels go on sale next
    Wednesday.



    I walked into a pub
    Saturday night,music was
    a bit loud but you get used
    to it.

    I feel it in my fingers
    I feel it in my toes.
    The love that's all around
    me
    And so the feeling grows.

    ...and as the feeling grew,
    I thought to myself "Shit,
    I've wandered into a gay
    bar!"



    How can you tell a
    drummer is at your door?
    A.the knocking speeds up,
    slows down,speeds up,
    slows down..
    B.has no idea what keys
    are or their importance
    C.you ordered pizza 28
    minutes ago
    D.he has to put the pizza
    on the ground before
    knocking ( Def Leppard
    only )
    E.even if the door is wide
    open,he doesn't know
    when to come in.



    A chinise kid asks his
    father,"Dad why do they
    say all chinese people
    look alike?"
    He replies,"I am not your
    dad."

  15. #1845
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Sir David Attenborough
    visits the Royals and
    treats them to a back-
    garden film premiere.
    Not the first time
    Attenborough has visited
    a near-extinct species.



    National treasure Sir
    David Attenborough
    generously presented
    Prince George with a
    shark's tooth fossil.
    The other 2 royal children
    who aren't going to be
    monarch got fuck all.
    Arse licking coffin dodger!



    I had slanging match
    with the wife,she called
    me a prick and I ended up
    calling her an ambulance!



    Boris Johnson was
    visisting an old people's
    home recently as a
    photo shoot to show his
    supposed concern for the
    elderly.
    He went up to an old lady
    in bed and and said,"Have you
    been bed ridden since you
    came here?"
    "Once or twice" she said
    "but I prefer being fucked
    up the arse on the sofa."



    10 Facts About You

    1.You're reading this right now.

    2.You're realising that this is
    a stupid fact.

    4.You didn't notice that I
    skipped three.

    5.You're checking now.

    6.You're smiling.

    7.You're still reading this
    even though it's stupid.

    9.You didn't realise that I
    skipped eight.

    10.You're checking again
    and smiling about how you
    fell for it again.

    11.You're enjoying this.

    12.You forgot that there's
    only supposed to be ten
    Facts.





    In Royal news,Prince
    Andrew is to become a
    Grandnonce.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •