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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #1846
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    'Chelsea player 'has no
    idea' his girlfriend is
    secrectly sleeping with
    Arsenal footballer.
    I guess all women secrectly
    like to be taken up the
    Arsenal.



    A large woman was
    shopping for shorts in our
    local sports shop.
    She came out of the
    changing room and asked
    me,"do these shorts
    make my arse look fat?"
    I replied,"No-it's the fat
    that makes your arse look
    fat."



    Male pornstars are
    basically professional
    wankers.



    "Sex and
    menopause...what women
    still want."
    More of the former,less
    of the latter

  2. #1847
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Gravestones are a thing of
    the passed.


    It looks like God was
    Reddy for Helen.



    "Serena Williams insists
    her body is still willing
    after pulling out of French
    Open."
    Alexis Ohanian confirms
    this is true after pulling
    out of Serena W illiams.




    What do you call
    a basement full of
    feminists?
    A whine cellar.

  3. #1848
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    'Playboy' Prince Andrew
    was obessed with
    redheads.
    It's easier when the only
    soul they have,is their
    arsehole.




    Of course black lives
    matter.
    A dead slave is useless.



    The other day my friends
    and I tried to split the bill
    five ways and it got really
    awkward.
    I don't know who was
    more embarrassed:us or
    the prostitute.



    Never try to flush away
    Cornflakes,because it
    Kellogg's your toilet.

  4. #1849
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I was at the restaurant
    and a beautiful woman
    came to me.I looked at her
    and she looked at me and
    then she asked me if I'm
    alone and I said yes.She
    smiled and I smiled back
    at her and then she took
    one chair out from my
    table.





    Saw a girl today wearing
    a shirt that had "Think
    bigger" written on the
    front.
    I thought,"she should've
    worn that on her butt as
    well."



    BBC website:"Lana Del
    Rey covers Ariana Grande
    in the Live Lounge."
    Funny how that has
    absolute no interest to me
    on Radio 1,but if it was on
    pornhub.



    I phoned up a hotel and
    the receptionist said
    hello best western.I said
    unforgiven with Clint
    Eastwood.



    What's Barbies favourite
    thing to do at Halloween?
    Pump Ken.



    They say there's
    sometimes a thin line
    between inspiration and
    theft.
    Well then,today a black
    guy was inspired by my
    fucking bike.

  5. #1850
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    What's dark and full of
    bats?
    The West Indies cricket
    team.



    2020-The year when
    Conspiracy Theories made
    more sense then official
    and Government Narratives.



    Ive worked out
    that a populist is
    a politician that
    actually does what
    they promised to do,to
    get elected.
    Never fucking seen one
    though.



    Politicians are like batteries.
    They claim to be powerful long
    lasting but usually they're
    flat and weak.




    Philip Schofield has
    moved out of his family
    home...I wonder if he used
    the back door.



    A robotic spacecraft has
    successfully delivered
    a new toilet to the
    International Space
    Station.
    .......according to the
    Captain's Log.



    Behind every successful
    man,there is a woman.
    Particularly if he'd been
    trying to figure out how a
    strap-on works.




    Just did a charity stand up
    gig to raise funds for my
    new wheelchair.

  6. #1851
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Joke

    "Does anyone know how
    long till the Second Wave?,
    As I am in self-isolation
    watching non stop Dave,
    They want me to not meet
    people and wear a mask,
    It was Xmas but now
    Easter 2021 till it lasts,
    The whole thing is daft,
    And I don't know why,
    You have to laugh,
    Or else you cry,
    You have to live,
    Or else you die,
    You have to laugh,
    Or else you cry,
    My mates says we're
    heading for a shitty time,
    Its just a matter of
    cancelled Xmas and no
    Pantomine.
    We're heading for disaster
    but I just don't care,
    Shut your eyes and count
    to ten and you won't be
    there,
    The whole thing is daft,
    And I don't know why,
    You have to laugh,
    Or else you cry,
    You have to live,
    Or else you die,
    You have to laugh,
    Or else you cry..."




    "DOJ announces
    charges for ISIS Beatles"
    I couldn't see these
    Americans LET IT BE.
    Guess now these guys
    need some HELP.

  7. #1852
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    To celebrate Black History
    month I'm going to dress
    up as a golliwog.



    Notable moments in Black
    Hostory.

    Invention of the stick.
    Invention of the Doctors
    magical bone.
    After thieving his knife
    then boiling and eating a
    British explorer,the cunts
    invented stabbin;
    Invented kidnapping
    fellow wogs and selling
    them en masse to passing
    ships.
    Invented rape.
    After free loading their
    way into White society the
    cunts invented looting and
    rioting
    Contributed to Western
    Medical Science by
    exporting AIDS,Ebola,
    Monkey Pox et al and etc.
    Invented the race card and
    perpetual victim status.
    Turned their entire
    continent of origin into a
    corrupt fuckin' shit hole.

  8. #1853
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Trumpkin.

    It's orange on the outside,
    hollow on the inside,and
    should be thrown out in
    November.



    Donald Trump is back
    in the White House,
    showboating with no
    mask on and ignoring
    social distancing
    protocols.
    Many doctors have said
    it;s too early to determine
    whether or not he is
    still dangerous to other
    people.
    I agree.We won't know
    that for sure until
    November 4th

  9. #1854
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I've just read that Elton
    John and Rod Stewart
    have fallen out.
    I thought Elton loved rod?



    In a bid to reduce
    increasing sectarianism,
    Police Service of Northern
    Ireland have banned
    Orange marches.
    Donald Trump said to
    be visbly upset by this
    report.



    Stevie Nicks says Botox
    made her look like 'Satan's
    angry daughter.'
    30 years of cocaine
    addiction probably hasn't
    done her looks any
    favours either.



    In order tp appease
    the Coronavirus,we
    must throw the entire
    Government into a live
    volcano.
    Even if it doesn't work,
    it'll still benefit the nation
    enormously.



    Nicola Sturgeon has
    banned the sale of alcohol
    in Scottish pubs for 16
    days.
    Bit of an own goal
    there Nic,how are you
    supposed to get a shag
    now?

  10. #1855
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    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Sick text joke

    Astrid the new Swedish sex toy has developed a fault she deflates during sex, I can't help feeling they have let themselves down with this one.



    Donald Trump says he will leave the USA if he loses the election.
    I've heard there's this lovely little retreat called Rikers Island.

  11. #1856
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    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Smile

    "Phil Collins devastated as wife dumps him by text and marries someone else."
    I thought his marriage would succeed against all odds, but take a look at him now.


    I asked the librarian if she had a book about the proper way to insert a penis into a vagina.
    " That's indecent " she said.
    " Yeah that's the one.
    I replied.

  12. #1857
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    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Red face Sick text jokes

    What does your wife and a
    high class hooker have in common?
    They will both take $500
    Out of your wallet yet you still
    can't put it in her arse.


    "A 99 and a 69 please," I
    said to the ice cream guy.
    "What's a 69?" he frowned
    I said,"it's like a 99,but
    with fish instead of a
    flake."

  13. #1858
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    22nd October 2020 - 17:03
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    Talking Sick text jokes

    What do blacks call their
    sexual partners?
    Prime mates.


    My mother always said,
    "Sometimes, son it is
    better to just walk away
    from things and go back
    to them later when you 're
    in a better frame of mind."
    Anyway I just lost my job
    as a surgeon.


    My voluntary work with
    the Samaritans only
    lasted one shift. A caller
    said he was suicidal and
    about to throw himself
    under a train.
    I thought I should get
    advice from a supervisor
    and told him to stay on
    the line


    I was checking out a good
    looking bird at New World
    when the wife caught me.
    That's it no turkey dinner
    for us tonight.

  14. #1859
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    Prince Andrew "faces
    being replaced as
    Commodore of Britain’s
    oldest yacht club."
    "He's easy like Sunday
    morning."



    What's Prince Andrew's
    favourite 80's film?
    Big Trouble In Little One's
    Vaginas.



    This impotence is all very
    new to me. I'm Johnny - cum-lately.


    Men with neck tattoos
    used to make people
    nervous.
    Now they make them
    lattes.


    Most of us know the late
    Michael Hutchence as the
    bloke who was INXS.
    Whereas to Bob Geldof
    he's the bloke who was IN
    HIS EX.


    Can you believe that there
    actually is a Chinese "guardian deity"
    by the name Long Wang?

  15. #1860
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    Smile Sick text jokes

    I keep trying to persuade
    my wife that it’s the small
    things in life that give the
    most pleasure!
    My excuse for having a
    3 inch cock.


    They say that women are
    like buses. You wait ages
    for one then three turn up
    ar once.
    Well I don't know about
    three turning up. But the
    one I dated certainly
    resembled the back end of
    a bus.


    When I was a young boy
    my father told me that
    white girls dated black
    men because they have
    Big cocks!
    Now I’m older I know
    the truth, Easy access to drugs!!!


    I've been invited to my
    mother - in-law's Halloween
    crazy costume party, and
    I have no idea what I'll go
    as.
    My wife 's a fat compa
    loompa. Her mother's an
    evil witch.
    I wonder what they are
    going dressed as.

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