What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

So the new Batman actor
is black?
They should rename him
The Silhouette.


nigger nigger nigger
nigger nigger nigger nigger
nigger BLACKMAN!


Australian scientists
are looking at a protein
found in BREAST
milk to help cure the
Coronavirus... "Cor, get 'em
out girls before the queue
starts!"


Kuchisabishii, a Japanese
word which can be used
to sum up life under
quarantine lockdown.


I like my women how I like
my advent calendar.
Against my wall, flaps
open ready to be eaten.


Meatloaf said " I' ll do
anything for love, but I
won't do that! "
Rimming probably.


What do mechanics
and Lesbians have in
common?
Snap-on tools.


My new paki neighbours
were having a house
warming party. A Molotov
cocktail should do the
trick.


I had no excuse for not
getting my wife's name
tattooed down my two
inch cock like she wanted.
Unfortunately, her fucking
name is Jo.


At the airport:
"Do you have any baggage to
book in sir?"
"Only the wife and kids."


Hooker: "It's £70 for sex
and a blowjob."
Me: "Can we do 69?"
Hooker : "No haggling."

[Piper]

In a landmark decision
gay men can now donate
blood....
I would call it more a
skidmark decision.


It must be very
uncomfortable for
that Anna Richardson
who presents Naked
Attraction.
She has to let Sue Perkins
sit on her face..

When I took up selling
crystal meth my neighbour
Abdul cooked in his
home to survive during
the lockdown, I told him I
was surprised he carried
on doing such a flagrant
drug-dealing business.
"What do you mean, if
they didn't want us doing
this, then why would our
homes come installed
with a tub for only such a
thing?"


I got my obese fat wife a
Big black vibrating dildo
for her birthday.
She just glared at me and
said, Is this a windup?
No, if you look I think it's
battery powered.


A woman came and sat
next to me at a bar one
day. I thought she was
attractive so I asked her
name.
"Carmen." she said
"That's a nice name." I said. I
replied.
"Thanks, I picked it myself.
Because I like cars and
I like men." She told me
"What's your name?"
"Lager fanny."

[Piper]

In Canada the Military are
issuing the Covid Vaccine.
"Your gonna get shot one
way or another.


Jesy Nelson has left Little
Mix.
She is forming her own
band called Pick n Mix.


Jesy Nelson has left Little
Mix.
Finally, I can look at them
now.


Jesy Nelson has issued a
statement saying...
"Now the online bullying
is behind me, I'm looking
forward to spending some
quality time with Kermit."



In a last ditch effort to
appease Jesy Nelson
and get her to reconsider
leaving, the band is
changing their name to
Pick n Mix.



Little Mix have annouced
that thanks to a
forecasted saving 93%
on makeup and plus size
leather outfits they can
now afford to hire some
decent song writers.


The IRA and the KKK had
a lot in common.
They both hated the Black
and Tans.


Bought some rare WW2
blackout curtains.
During air raids people
used them to see
the black fella out in the
open.


I knocked on the door
to attend a heating
breakdown and a barely
dressed blonde answered
the door, massive tits
dropping out of her
unfastened negligee and
the shaped of her neatly
trimmed bush gaping for
me to see,
"Is your husband in miss?"
I asked,
"What do you think? Will I
not do?" she answered.
"Err, no not really I need
the car reversing out of
your drive so I can get my
van in." I replied.


Writing verse, a first
attempt.
I dig, you dig, we dig
He digs, she digs, they dig
We all dig
Not quite Haiku
But very deep.

Thanks to Tim Vine for the
inspiration

[Piper]

Katie Price has had more
pricks than a vaccine
rollout program.


My wife is on her period
so we can't have sex.
The period between
marriage and death.


Never judge a book by its
cover. But if the covers
Black, its probably robbed
your phone.


As I screwed my girlfriend
in the arse she shouted
out "What the hell are you
doing?"
I replied "You told me
you wanted your ring
stretched."
She replied, "I meant my
engagement ring."


Five crew members on the
Mission : Impossible set
have reportedly quit after
Tom Cruise had a second
furious rant...
He called everyone a cunt
but then realised he was
the biggest one.


Five Guys has been
bought by a new politically
correct American
corporation. As of January
1,it will be known as
Three White Guys, One
woman, And one Trans-Person
of colour.

[Piper]

Melania : "Donald. It's
Christmas. Would you like
to pull a cracker?"
Donald : "No way. Last
time I did that, I had to
pay her $130,000 hush
money."


Christmas nearly here,
distant relatives to visit,
contradictory advice from
the PM and from the
medical profession.
Well, come on and let
me know
Should I stay or
should I go?
I could accept the advice
from both factions.
Welcome to Schrodinger’s
Christmas.


Ffs. Never mix drink and
wrapping Xmas presents.
If anyone opens theirs and
finds a TV remote in it, I
need the fucker back.


The irony is the more
snowflakes you get the
Whiter Christmas is.


Nothing says Christmas
like dipping your cock in
baileys and having the
wife lick it off.

[F5 Dave]

Ok thats given me an idea of Christmas cheer.

[F5 Dave]

But she doesn't like dairy.

Not sure if coffee will work.

Does grape juice work?

[Piper]

I hope people think this
year before putting photos
on Facebook of their
Christmas feasts as some
dwarfs are struggling to
put food on the table.


Just read on the BBC
news website that smaller
turkeys are on the menu
for Christmas.
Nothing wrong with a little
gobbler.
Oooooooooh.


I've bought a lot of
crap this month before
Christmas.
I can't believe this
time my wife wanted the
garden manured.


Santa's grottos will be
open in ALL tiers - but
youngsters will be told
to not sit on Father
Christmas's knee in case
They give him coronavirus.
The kids are really going
to miss the alcohol
breath, nicotine lips, and
large erections under their
bottoms.


My wife and her mother
that are ridiculously
scared of Covid are
absolutely insisting to
celebrate Christmas by all
this absurd protocols this
year ( no singing, dancing,
no board games, etc...)
we're going to party like
it's 1599.


Just a quick heads-up,
lads...
Pak'n Save are giving away
free Christmas turkeys to
anyone who can outrun
their security guards.


Gemma Collins family
aren't worried about her
her massive Christmas no. 1.
They're just worried about
her massive boxing day
no. 2.


Microsoft have released
a festive advent calendar
this Christmas.
No chocolates just a
load of fucking updates
everytime you open your
windows.


So this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another tier over
a new tier just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you've not seen
The near and dear one
With Covid 19
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New year
You've fucked more than
ever
Wait for the 5th Tier.


"ooh Donald, you're
so popular!" exclaims
Melania "You're got
83,283,000 presents sent
to The White House."
"I know, such beautiful
people my Americans."
smiles Donald.
"Let's see what you're
got?" beams Melania. "I
hope there's some
expensive stuff in there."
"Okay, here goes darling....
mmm... A dummy ...
Another dummy?... A
luxury dummy?... Another
dummy?... They're all
dummies?"


Boris Johnson is the
anti-Santa.
There will be tiers before
bedtime and nobody
wants anything from his
sack.


As they say in South
Korea...
A dog is for Xmas, not for
life.


One thing I've noted during
my Christmas shopping
this year is that none of
the shops are selling any
Mistletoe.


Dear Vanilla Ice,
We Eighties kids alive in
2020 now have a fucking
huge problem with Covid
and Christmas.
Please keep your promise
Yo, You'd solve it


Mixing has been banned
in households across
England for Christmas.
We'll have to be more like
the Scots
Drink it neat.

[Piper]

Victoria Beckham
'alters her strict fish and
vegetable diet after she
was warned she had
"off the scale" levels of
mercury'
David would tap her box
and check the weather.


Boyfriend proposes to his
train driver girlfriend as
she pulls into the platform
in front of delighted
commuters.
She was shocked as men
normally propose to her
when they pull out.


A man in America has
successfully sued his
parents after they threw
away his 18 thousand
pound stash of porn.
What a wanker!


I just got back from acting
in a porno where there
were 8 black guys and I
was the only white bloke.
I had a really small part.


Last night my wife
suddenly got hungry so
she ordered three extra-large
bacon - bacon - bacon
pizzas.
The delivery boy showed
up and he was a black kid,
and my wife took a look
at him when she opened
the door and said, "Come on in
Big boy, you can pound my
snatch like a screen door
in a gale!"
He just groaned and said,
"Ma'am, like we always tell
you, you have to actually
pay for the pizzas."


Struggling to get get a man
in during lockdown to
assemble flat pack
furniture.
If your having trouble with
your drawers, I suggest
you use a battery powered
tool.
No doubt you'll still be
missing a screw when
your done.



My Paki neighbour was
telling me he was moving
house out of the area.
Is it a semi or detached?
I asked.
"No it's a wimpy"
he replied
True story.

[Piper]

Twas the night before
Christmas, when all
through the house,
Not a creature was
stirring, not even a mouse,
Do you know why?
Because none of us were
allowed out,
Looked out into the
street and no Christmas
decorations about,
Looked out of the window,
what did I see?
A spread out group of six
people, two sets of three,
What tier is it today, Tier 4
or Tier 3?
A new strain of Covid
coming to a town near me,
Waiting for Santa to slide
down my chimney,
Cause let's face it I'm all
alone and my friends can't
celebrate with me,
Santa finally came! what
did he bring?
A sack full of vaccines,
some toilet paper and
things,
He came prepared with
extra handwash in his
stocking,
Because he knew that
Boris was keeping us
locked in,
We sat and we cheered
Opening presents all night!
As we talked and
reminisced about this
years
cancelled flights,
Upon the roof, his red
nosed reindeer was
seated,
keeping his distance by
approximately 2 metres,
Soon it became time, for
Santa Claus to go,
He could only stay til
10pm under new rules on
Tier 4,
He flew up my chimney
I said, When will you be
back? "
He replied," Hopefully in a
year 's time if some cunt
doesn't try to eat a bat! "

[Piper]

I was telling someone
how in my house we
don't celebrate Christmas.
"Oh right, I figured a
religious conservative
nutter like you was
Jehovah's Witness or
something."
"No just a tight cunt."


Looks like the NHS are
Finally getting the vaccine
and are distributing it to
their staff.
Not seen this many
nurses taking multiple
pricks since Ballsdeep's
last Christmas party.


"Ho, ho, ho! And what
would you like for
Christmas little girl?"
"Your hand out of my
flower."


BREAKING NEWS

Just to end the hellish
year 2020, Santa will
only be visiting dyslexic
people this christmas!
Everyone else will be
getting Satan


I just remembered
my cousin from
last Christmas, he
said.......... If I'm
not that seriously
Ill, they are having
Christmas in May?


My Dad was so
tight, he stuck a
cardboard box in
The local alley on
Christmas Eve and
the next morning,
when a homeless
man had moved in,
he told me it was
my 'Dougie the
Druggie' action toy
present.


My wife's seen
some of the big
Christmas presents
I've been
wrapping, and she
looked at the one
With her name on
and said,
"Darling, a
surfboard! you
know l love the
beach." She might
be even more
excited when she
sees the legs that
are meant to go
under it that I had
to wrap separately.

[Piper]

Abraham Lincoln Airport.

John Lennon Airport.

Kennedy Airport.

Maybe Trump should have
an airport named after
him.

Then we wait...


Hopes are running out for
deposed President Donald
Trump having a airport
named after him.
The USA already has one
called 'Pratt', Canada has
a 'Deception' Spain has
the 'Moron', Australia has the
'Useless Loop' and Japan
well.... 'Fukui'


What does a garden
gnome and a dwarf have
in common?
Very little.


"So class" said the teacher,
"Can anyone give me an
example of a sentence?"
"She's" said little Johnny.
"That's not a sentence"
She replied. "It needs
punctuation and context."
"But I heard it last night"
Johnny said. "My brother's
mate started fucking his
rubber doll and it started
leaking. My brother said
" She's full, stop "


Prince Harry and Megan
sign £100 million deal
with Netflix.
He really is the ginger
bread man.


In today's Guardian :
'East 17's Tony Mortimer
on discovering reading -
as a 50-year old.'
Spoiler for ya, Tony the
cat sits on the mat.


That Tony Mortimer
geezer's full of bollocks.
He didn't discover reading,
it's a large historic town in
Berkshire, dating back to
the Roman period.


After Yet another crushing
defeat on FIFA 21 earlier,
I've renamed my team
'Graham Norton FC.'
It's way too sloppy at the
back.


The latest COVID
mutation has been
nicknamed the 'Kate Price
Strain' by scientists.
Nothing spreads faster.

[Piper]

"Hump day" where adults
who could definitely
totally be having
sex.... aren't. But want to
remind you they're super
like super cool hip people
who talk casually about
the sex and aren't in any
way desperate or lonely.

.
"Sussex Police officer
'overwhelmed by work'
hearing told"
Sounds like he needs
arrest.


After seeing a palm
reader, I gave him my
money.
He held the note up to the
light and frowned "This is
Fake," he said
I said,"Now you know
what it feels like."


I said hello to my
Black neighbour this
morning...
"How's it going?" I asked.
"I just want to be left
alone." He said... "my last
neighbour tormented me
with subtle comments
about being a monkey."
I replied... "Sorry for my
howler, I didn't mean to pry
mate."

[Piper]

2020 - a year so good they
named it twice.


Listening to the radio with
the wife earlier.
She said, "Ooh, this is
Elton John, isn't it? Didn't
he do Candle in the Wind?"
I replied, "He Probably tried
it as a teenager."


Why all these ridiculous
demands for teaching
Black History?
We took your chains off
and let you live.
That's it.

[Piper]

The Sydney Harbour New
Year 20/21 fireworks
display cost 6.6 million.
Still, the homeless had a
great view from under the
bridge.


Every year I make a New
Year resolution based on
a famous BeeGee’s song.
Ironically, last year it was
Night Fever. This year it’s
definitely Stayin Alive.


Deep Purple have
re-released Black Knight
as a tribute to Lewis
Hamilton.


Lewis Hamilton

Reminds me of a famous 80's
TV show about a car
known as Knight, thought
the sun shined out of his
backside, had the best
car, let the car do all the
work, touched the steering
wheel every so often for
effect and took all the
praise.

Oh and black.