What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Red Bull F1 have sacked
Max Verstappen for
breach of contract
when he applied for the
job it specifically said "No
tyre kickers"


"That's just typical of you"
said the Mrs, "I can't take
you anywhere without
you embarrassing me,
Pride Month is an annual
celebration and tribute
to those brave men and
who were involved in the
Stonewall riots to protest
the treatment of LBGT
+ people in New York 52
years ago."
After she had finished
berating me, at length,
I emailed the local
newspaper to place a for-sale
advert for 2 male and
11 female Lions.


To show allegiance to
BLM, Ben White has been
told to change his name
to Been White.


Statistically Chinese
prostitutes make twice
as much money as other
nationalities.
This is because, after
you've fucked them, you
feel like fucking them
again an hour later.


Intense gym excersise
can lead to motor neurone
disease..
One of the first symptoms
is an inability to swallow..
That's why you'll never see
Elton John in a gym.


Poland and Iceland drew.
Iceland have a habit of not
losing to the English.


The world health
organisation has no sense
of humour. If they did they
would have called the
Indian variant "cobra"


BBC Breaking News :
White called up to England
Euro squad.
We'll it'll be good to have
at least one there.


The LGBT community
in Istanbul have several
events going on in June
to celebrate Turkish flat
bread.
It's gay pride month.


It's utterly ridiculous that
you have to wear a mask
to watch a football match
in a sparsely attended,
open-air stadium.
Lip readers can't tell if
fans are shouting Boo!
Or Coon! either. That's
something, I suppose.


The Crown bosses are
struggling to find a boy to
play a young Prince Harry
in series five because of a
shortage of black ginger
actors.


I love this sunny weather.
Short little miniskirts and
low cut tops.
Mind you if it wasn't Pride
Month I'd probably be
getting some funny looks.


As the young Arsenal
winger heard noises from
the crowd, he turned to
the England manager and
asked if they were booing.
"No" said Southgate
nervously They're saying
"Boo-kayo - Saka! Boo-kayo
Saka!"


I've always had an
admiration for bands who
name themselves to suit
their appearance. Like
Motley Crue, The Specials
and The Misfits.
Oh, and The Floaters.


There's a guy online who's
trained his dog to bring
him beers from the fridge.
That's nothing.
Mine does that, plus
cooks, cleans, washes
dishes and sucks my
cock.
The wife goes mad at him.


Daily Telegraph online
comment on Elton John
by Robin Sudlow
11 Jun 2021 1. 40PM
Musically sound, but
his diction has become
appallingly hard to
discern.
Quinten Crisp couldn't have
put it better...


Piers Morgan has
criticised model Emily
Ratajkowski for the way
she held her three-month-old
son in a photograph.
For once I agree with
Morgan.
You couldn't see her tits.


What goes black red black
red black red black red
black red fuck?
Me losing a fortune on
Ladbrokes roulette.

[Piper]

I was gutted to
hear Ned Beatty from
Deliverance had died. I
was squealing like a pig
when I was told.


"There's a new ad for KY
jelly. They have a photo of
a banjo and the slogan,
" nobody should have to
squeal like a pig. "
" Do they do home
Deliverance? "

[Piper]

As a tribute to Ned Beatty,
fans have been asked to
wear their trousers at half
mast.


They are so stupid in the
deep south of America.
They call a jam session
between a city-slicker
guitar player and a banjo-twanging
simpleton as 'Duelling Banjos'


"I started wondering
whatever happened to
the inbred kid who played
the banjo in Deliverance
Yesterday."
"What because of the
news of Ned Beatty's
death?"
"No. I was watching the
Scotland game at
half time I saw Darren
Fletcher."


This time Lisa Banes is
the Gone Girl.


BBC News :
"Humpback whale gulps
and spits out Cape Cod
lobsterman."
That's odd, I thought
the fat ones always
swallowed seamen.


A paraglider has landed in
the stadium hosting the
France V Germany match.
The French immediately
ripped the all white kit off
the Germans and waved it
at the invader.


The last time a German
parachuted down on a
bunch of Frenchmen was
in WW2.


Hey Greenpeace, should have
got the Queen to do it-she
knows how to parachute
into a stadium.


What does the universe's
largest known star VY
Canis Majoris and a Labia
Majora have in common?
They both lead to black
holes.

[Piper]

I saw a headline which
made me think of how
disgraceful it is that
the privileged, entitled
dominant majority abuse
their country's oppressed
minority footballers just
for not playing well.
"Sweden's Marcus Berg
suffers online abuse after
miss"


Scotland play England on
Friday.
Or from Nicola Sturgeon's
point of view, "The Tories
are gonna to thrash us."


Wales are unbeaten
without Ryan Giggs.
Like his ex.


So Cristiano Ronaldo
made it very clear he
doesn't drink Coke.
Well Michael Jackson
didn't drink Pepsi, but he
didn't set his hair on fire...


Cristiano Ronaldo making
records again as the first
36 year old footballer to
say no to Coke.

Scotland lost a match
Czechmate.


N'golo Kante covers every
blade of grass every leaf,
every piece of bark on the
tree.
What else do you expect
from a monkey?


Looking at the back
of the internal router
the code looks like
Lady Gaga's lyrics.
RRRRAAA5678HHA
RRROOOMMMAAARRROOHH
MMMAAHHl+H4791RRROOHH
GGGGAAAGGGAAAOOOHNNL

[Piper]

Shares in Coca Cola have
dropped by 3 billion since
Ronaldo basically said it
was shit on live TV, people
are so easily influenced.
So come on then Ronaldo,
how about calling the
Conservatives a bunch of
cunts then?


Spurs fans,
This Sunday from 10am
-6pm there's a Covid
vaccination event taking
place at Tottenham
Hotspur Stadium for
people aged 18 and over.
So get yourselves down
there, and you'll finally see
some shots going in...


The question was asked
how could England
mare Harry Kane pass
a lot more regularly and
accurately.
Easy, put him on
Mastermind.


Did you know that if you
watch the film "Taken"
on mute, it’s about an
old bastard who stalks a
young teenage girl across
the globe. Finds her at a
prostitution ring auction
and kidnaps her.


It's ladies day at Ascot
and both Sarah Jessica
Parker and Katherine Ryan
were said to be furious
when they were refused
entry into the VIP entrance
and directed towards the
stables.


Completely
misunderstood pride
Month. Does anyone want
to buy 15 Lions?


I was playing football
manager on my PC when I
got offered the Spurs job.
I realised it was a shit
squad with no future
so I put the phone down
and got back to playing
football manager.

[Piper]

Following loads of kilt
wearing Scotland fans
travelling down to Kings
Cross, LNER have had to
bring in extra cleaners to
remove all the skid marks
from the train seats.


Harry Maguire has
declared himself fit
enough to face Scotland
as he now only has one
leg in plaster.


Harry Kane bought an Old
English sheepdog.
When he got home his
wife said, "No way. I can't
handle all this fucking
dribble. And it would be
twice as bad with the dog
too."


I was at work cleaning
the shit and spunk of the
floor of an abattoir from
the slaughtered animals.
Hard dirty smelly graft on
minimum wage. A spade
and bucket in my hand
for twelve hours a day. I
then got taken into the
office, a phone call for
me, fuck was I surprised.
It was only Daniel
Levy offering me the
Tottenham job. I looked at
my manager in disbelief
and said,
"For fucks sake, give me
my bucket and spade back
please."


England knelt to virtue
signal to the braying woke
mob.
Scotland knelt because
they thought England
dropped a tenner.


My fat, naked wife lying on
the bed has just reminded
me of the Scotland v
English match.
The first half is acceptable
with a couple of stray
bouncers but the second
half is a fucking disaster
that ends in a pish ridden
tunnel.


Harry Kane's
performances for England
so far in the tournament
arn very similar to my sex
skills.
Like him I don't do much
in the bed, lack energy,
disappoint massively and
Finally end up finishing
sooner than expected.


I missed the
highlights of England v
Scotland
I blinked.

[Piper]

Virgin Radio have a new
decimated LGBT + channel.
They hope it'll help lezzas
get into the groove.


Last time Queen went
platinum it was a night at
the opera.


A tsunami that hit
Scotland around 8,200
years ago could devastate
entire towns if it happened
today, according to new
research.
But there's no need to
worry, Nicola Sturgeon's
doing a firm job of it all by
herself.


BREAKING NEWS :
GOVERNMENT HEALTH
OFFICIALS OFFER ADVICE
TAKE THE JAB,
YOU'RE FUCKED ANYWAY.


As you get older, things
become harder and harder
every day.. Except your
cock.


Michael Portillo was
behind me in the queue
at the Costa Coffee
concession at the train
station earlier looking
resplendent in orange
blazer, blue shirt and
yellow socks.
Before I had time to ask
He said, "Yes. I am filming
one of my Great British
Railway Journeys."
"Flat white for the trip
then?". I enquired, to which
he replied in an incredibly
camp voice.
"Actually I prefer a long
black. Oooooooooh."



It's Pride month.
I have two sons and I'm so
proud they're straight.


Here is a quick guide
to the variants new
names, which have been
destigmatized.
Old, UK New
Alpha
Old, South Africa. New,
Beta
Old Brazil. New
Gamma
Old, India. New
Delhi

Who ( world Health
Organisation.) have said
the covid variants should
be given Greek letters
from now on.
UK scientists are worried
about the rapid spread
of the lota Nu Delta lota
Alpha Nu variant.


There's a new mutant
variant of Covid-19
moving like a ninja via the
sewers of New York.
I bet it was started by that
dumbass, Michaelangelo.


If the answer is "The
whole fucking lot of it"
What is the question?
How much of the £587.42
in my ISA would I give
Rhian Sugden to take a
shit on my chest?


Love the fact that June
is dedicated to shagging
Filthy slags with well
stretched cunts.
Happy Gape-Ride month
everyone


Operator : 911 what's your
emergency?
Caller : I saw a black guy
get shot!
Operator : Did you get the
shooters badge number?


Taking his lead from Ronaldo, at the post
game press conference Scotland captain
Andy Robertson removed the sponsors Coke bottles and said, "Drink Buckfast."

[Piper]

France are among the
favourites to win the
Euros.
Being French, I can see
them running away with it.


Scotland ;two games, no
goals. The last Scotsman
to have more than one
shot on target was
Thomas Hamilton at
Dunblane.


"Tokyo Olympic athletes
warned not to use 160,000
free condoms.
I guess they'll have to limit
themselves to 159,99.


France drew with Hungary
at the Euros.
Their style of play can
certainly raise some flags.


"'Sterling' the most
inappropriate name in
football.


A family in the news
claim that their holiday
to pontins was ruined by
pissed up people smoking
drugs all day!
Sounds like a good
holiday to me.


Why will China never win
an international medieval
sports championship?
There's too many chinks in
their armour.

[Piper]

Scotland want's to ban
Manchester people from
entering Scotland except
for essential purpose.
To be honest, I'm from
Manchester and it would
have to be pretty fucking
essential to get me within
a hundred miles of the
place.


Covid tests for Mason
Mount and Ben Chilwell after
their interaction with Billy
Gilmour in the tunnel
worth then getting HIV
tests too, just to be on the
safe side.


Can we find a video of
Sterling hugging Billy
Gilmour so he has to
isolate too?


Gilmour had to self isolate
due to Covid. He sent a
message to his mates :
Wish You Were Here.


Scotland player Billy
Gilmour has been
diagnosed with COVID-19
and is isolating for 10
days.
England players Mason
Mount and Ben Chilwell
are temporarily self -
isolating after what's
described as interaction
in the tunnel with Gilmour
following the Euros game
on Sunday.
These footballers will
have a fucking threesome
anywhere.


Stephen O'Donnell
has had his Scottish
banknotes refused
at the shops near the
teams training ground in
Middlesbrough.
Luckily he still has sterling
in his back pocket.

[Piper]

Sky Sports : Manchester
City make £100m bid for
Tottenham striker Harry
Kane.
Presumably no one
at Man City bothered
to watch England v
Scotland...


Scotland’s Billy Gilmour
tests positive for Covid.
Anyone that’s been within
2 metres of him will have
to self isolate.
So the England midfield
needn't worry.


Scotland get their first
positive result at the
Euros.
It's Billy Gilmour and he'll
need to self-quarantine.


Carl Nassib, who is the
first active NFL player
to come out as gay, was
recently traded from the
Las Vegas Raiders to the
Green Bay Packers. He
goes from being an Anal
Raider to a Fudge packer.


Carl Nassib become first
active NFL player to come
out as gay.
I don't know much about
American football but
I'm guessing he's not the Tight
End?


Carl Nassib becomes first
active NFL player to come
out as gay.
He's now looking for a
wide receiver.


England have to finish
third in the group for an
easier route in the Euros,
So they should lose
tonight's game.


After their performance
against Scotland that
shouldn't be too hard.


England QUALIFY for Euro
2021 knockout stages
despite not kicking a ball.
They'll still fuck it up
somehow.


I'm looking forward to the
England v Czech Republic
match later.
With the realisation that
the group winners will be
facing France. Germany
or Portugal I'm expecting
a good open game with
plenty of own goals.


Breaking News - England's
Mason Mount and Ben
Chilwell will miss the
game against the Czech
Republic as they self-isolate
because of a risk of Covid-19
experience.
They’re looking through
Billy Gilmour's eyes.


NFL linebacker Carl
Nassib comes out as gay,
and changes position to
tight end.


Stephen Hawkins final
unfinished book is going
to bo published at last.
It's about time.


I get locked down
then I get out again
Wish somebody would
write a song about it.


Prince Harry has been
edited out of a royal
family photograph
marketing Prince Williams
birthday!
Nevermind don't worry
Harry, maybe James
Hewitt can edit you into
one of his.


BBC News - A Scottish
pensioner has become
a great - great - great -
grandmother with six
generations alive at the
same time. Mary Marshall,
86,has a total of 90
grandchildren, great-
grandchildren, great- great -
grandchildren and great -
great - great - grandchildren.
She says she is forgiven
for not buying Christmas
And birthday presents as
she is Scottish.


Why is it guardian readers
are offended if you call
Caitlyn Jenner Bruce but
insist on calling Tommy
Robinson yaxley-lennon?.

[Piper]

So some transphobic
people are making a
fuss that a New Zealand
female weightlifter
actually used to compete
as a man.
Look, you have to accept
that Down Under some
female weightlifters are
different.


The founder of McAfee
anti-virus was found dead.
That's a reminder to us all,
to keep our vaccinations
up to date.


My name is Luka. I scored
the second goal. I sent the
Scot's back home.
Yes I think you've seen me
before.


What do you call a blimp
with lots of light-emitting
diodes?
LED Zeppelin.



Breaking news
Late addition to the
Queen's Birthday Honours
List.
Billy Gilmour awarded an
MBE for getting Scotland
their only positive result in
the Euros.


Just watched BBC news
where an asian woman
described the world of
politics as dominated by
people who are Male Pale
and Stale "....
Well done you have
managed to be Sexist
Racist and Ageist in one
short sentence.


I never had Homer
Simpson underwear but I
did once have Apu in my
pants.


The Bank of England's
new £50 note featuring
the portrait of Alan Turing
has entered circulation.
No doubt their existence
will remain an enigma to
me.


Sports Direct have
reported a surge in sales
of France, Germany, Italy
Portugal, Holland, Croatia,
Belgium and Spain shirts.
The Glasgow branch
manager is struggling to
deal with demand.


Billie Eilish apologises
for mouthing an apparent
racist slur in a resurfaced
five-year-old clip.
She can no longer play
cricket for England.

[Piper]

My wife and my feminist
daughter just spent
The whole afternoon
badgering and haranguing
me hard about going in to
get the "vaccine" ( which
I'm not going to fucking
do )
I told told them both. "I'm
surprised you two are SO
concerned about this with
me, as the way you talk to
me about everything else
you sound like you could
care less if I am even
alive!"
"This really isn't about
your health, It's just about
us exerting power over
you."

My idea of heaven
would be eating a
Cadbury's flake out of
Scarlett Johansson's
minge, but sadly no...
the producers of BBC's
Saturday Kitchen had
other ideas.


"What's your problem?"
"What the fuck were you doing?"
"That's was your fault"
"No, it was your fault, you didn't look
where you were going. People like you
shouldn't be allowed to drive"
"Fuck You."
" No, fuck you, fucking woman.
Anyway, that's the end of your test.
Now get out."


Great to see Arnold
Schwarzenegger taking
pest control seriously.
He's an exterminator.


Fuck you Germany, come
back and gloat when
you've won two world
wars.


Croatia has a smaller
population than Scotland
yet do well in major
competitions.


Who was Man United best
ever Captain?
I'd say the pilot who flew
the plane home in 1958.


Headline :

"South African 'diamonds'
turn out to be quartz
as thousands of
disappointed Africans
rush to site."
Sometimes these jokes
write themselves.


My local dealer just sold
me some hash brown


Meghan and Harry
'did not want to use Earl of
Dumbarton title for Archie
because it contained the
word' dumb ' and they
thought he would be
bullied.'
Still preferable to the Earl
of Dumbarton.


I met a woman in a bar
who told me to take her
home and dominate her.
So I took her to my flat,
turned on the Xbox, and
absolutely fucking ruined
her on FIFA.


Afghanistan still on Red
list for British tourists,
Quarantine for 11 days in
a hotel on return.
I'll settle for 11 days in the
hotel thanks.

[240]

Mate I don't wanna be rude but you do realize that most people have no fucken idea what the majority of your posts mean? Maybe filter out the pommy stuff which makes no fucken sense AT ALL

[Piper]

I've just bought shares
in Paint Wizard and Dent
Magic ahead of Tuesday’s
game. There’s a killing to
be made fixing all those
dents and key scratches
on BMWs, Audis and
Mercedes outside
Wembley.


Just walked into a pub in
Scotland and said, "Bitter
luv." she said, "Yeah, but
what would you like to
drink?"


Gay Pride
The truest oxymoron.


"Hello Mr Brown, come
in."
"Thank you Doctor. This
is my beautiful wife, so
what's the diagnosis?"
"You have erectile
disjunction."
"Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes. I recommend a visit
to SpecSavers."


I just saw an audition
on YouTube for AGT
( America's Got Talent ).
Where a 5 member
"boyband" called "The
Other Direction" hilariously
performs as a group that
is the exact opposite
sexual orientation as "One
Direction"
Basically they are 5
guys that are completely
straight.


Do you remember, as a
child, always being told
what you can and can’t do
by your parents?
"Get your elbows off the
table" "Stop picking
your nose" "Don't sit
too near the television"
"Eat all your vegetables"
"Wash behind your ears"
The one that really
annoyed me was. "Don't
eat in bed," yet when you
went into their bedroom
the next morning there
were yoghurt stains on
their bedspread!


Britney Spears expressed
serious opposition to the
conservatorship that gave
her father control over her
finances and personal life.
She feels the
convervatorship has
become an oppressive
and controlling tool
against her.
I'd be her daddy with a tool
against her she wouldn't
mind.


Britney Spears in court
this week
'I'm sorry to everyone for
pretending to be alright'
That's alright love we
all know your music's
crap we just wank over
the videos with the mute
button on.


I like my women like way I
like my vinyl speeds
16
33
45
78


Quinten Crisp picks
his men like his record
collection.
7 inches will do, but he
likes a proper 12 incher
preferably black.
Ooooh.


I've just started a new job
and my female boss is a
proper MILF
Minging Ignorant Lesbian
Feminist.


The Chav's Lord's Prayer

Our Father, who art
in prison, even mum
knows not His name, thy
Chavdom come, you'll
read The Sun, in Exmouth
which is in Devon give
us this day our welfare
bread, and forgive us our
ASBOs as we happy slap
those who got ASBOs
against us, lead us not
into employment, but
deliever us free housing, for
thine is the Chavdom, the
burberry and the Bacardi
for ever and ever.
Innt

[Piper]

What next? Gay Daleks?
Exfoliate! Exfoliate!


Captain Jack Harkness,
"Doctor, I don't think this is
going to fit!
Doctor," Oooh, don't worry
about it sweetie... It's
bigger on the inside! "


NEWSFLASH : Quinten
Crisp to be the next
Doctor who
Woooooo oooooo
Woooooo oooooo.........


Gay Olly Alexander is to
star as TV's time lord.
Doctor poo


OK, The Doctor's going to
be a faggot, but at least
the Tardis will be able to
reverse park again.


Will the new Doctor be
picking up blokes and
giving them a ride in his
turdis.


T. A. R. D. I. S

Taking A Rigid Dick Inside
Shitter....


The new Doctor loves his
little blue police box, I've
heard he's very fond of
truncheon and helmet as
Well ooooooooooo


Dr who has gone from
Time Lord to Gaylord.


The next Doctor is
gay.
The Tardis is having back
doors fitted.


Well who'd thought...
Looks like Ronaldo is
now having less touches
over summer than Matt
Hancock.


Mission : Impossible 7
filming is paused AGAIN
due to a positive Covid
test on Tom Cruise.
He had to stand on a box
to catch it.


Queen extends an olive
branch to Prince Harry
and a banana branch
to Meghan Markle as
She invites them to her
Platform Jubilee.


A man goes to see a
doctor.
"Doctor," he says, "I think
there's something wrong
with me. Every time I hear
Beyonce's voice I have an
orgasm."
"Funny," he replies the doctor,
"that’s what my daughter
used to say about R. Kelly
many years ago."