What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Tom Daley finished 3rd in
the 10m diving at Tokyo
He said, "I don't mind
coming behind two men."


Tom Daley's manager is
trying to encourage him
to change his sport from
diving to boxing because
he is so good in the ring.
Ooooooh.


Fuck me, Tom. Less Knitty
Knitty, more divvy divvy.


Tom Daley won gold at
Tokyo 2020 in the synchro
diving and only bronze in
the individual competition.
He said, "I always feel
more relaxed with a semi-naked
man next to me."


Tom Daley's dedication to
his sport won't end when
he leaves Japan. He'll still
be getting a few lengths in
when he gets home.


Tom Daley admitted
he was gutted that he
hadn't finished knitting
his mankini ready for the
closing ceremony." I'm
buggered but I did my
best" were his final words
on the matter.


Bruno Tonioli reckons
Tom Daley would be
"brilliant" in a same-sex
Strictly Come Dancing
pairing.
And playing 2 In A Room -
Wiggle it ( Just A Little Bit )
Bruno could be arrested
on a Live show.


The IOC is to introduce a
new competition aimed
at Army personnel with
Erectile Dysfunction.
The Paralimpdics starts
on Monday.


Lionel Messi sobbing with
emotion, shows just how
much he loves Barcelona.
Not enough to take a pay
cut, obviously.


I can't blame Messi... I'd
be crying if Barcelona
stopped paying me a
million a week too!


As the Tokyo Olympics
close, the torch is passed
on the French for the
2024 event. The Olympic
committee announced
two new sports for
inclusion.
The first of these will
be the Channel Migrant
Event in which desperate
peoples from the middle
East will battle French
bureaucracy atrocious
weather and seas, UK
Border Force and Home
Office snatch squads to
reach the finishing line in
Folkestone.
The second sport will
be the omnium, which
some of you might
be aware was already
contested in Tokyo, but
a new gold medal will
be awarded for the first
finisher in the struggle to
actually explain the rules
in a coherent, non-BBC
manner.


I see Japan have switched
from bullet trains to knife
trains.


I love watching the
Olympics and comparing
My performance to the
athletes. The other day
I watched the Triathalon
and in 2 hours they swam
a mile, cycled 28 miles
and ran 6 miles. In that
time I managed to drink
a bottle of wine and eat a
family bag of Doritos.


I see the Yanks method
of counting the medals
put's them at the top of
the medal table, only in
America though. Seems
like a bronze is equal to a
gold.
You try telling them that
your air rifle is as good as
an AK47 though and they'll
call you a fucking retard.


On the last day of the
Tokyo Olympics, Kim
Raisner was astonished to
be awarded an honorary
light middleweight boxing
gold medal.
As she was tearfully
lead away by the Japanese
immigration officials she
was heard to mutter "naja
fick mich, es muss ein
Suffolk Punch gewesen
sein."


Britain’s black 5000
meters runner has just
won gold and totally
smashed the world record.
It seems he thought an
ambulance siren was the
police.


Wales removes most
Covid restrictions. Good
news for the people of
Wales, bad news for the
sheep.


Billionaire Google founder
Larry Page has gained
New Zealand residency
after officials confirm his
bank balance was bigger
than New Zealand's


Leicester beat Manchester
City in the Community
shield.
Brendan Rodgers has now
won as much silverware in
England as the great David
Moyes.


A German study
concludes that staring at
women's breasts for 10
minutes a day is better for
your health than going to
the gym.
I think women would
rather have men catch
Covid-19.


Scotland Ends it
Lockdown...

Wales Ends it Lockdown...

England 'Firebreak
Lockdown' plans set out
for winter...

There are places in the
UK where you are at no
further risk from COVID
when you don't wear a
mask.

Those places are called
"coffins."


Ladies, there's a new
Cadbury's Flake coming
out soon, Mondelēz
International ( current
owner of Cadbury )
guaranteed it would tickle
your choc-clit.


Some woman in the
shop asked me if I was
vaccinated.
"Do you like anal?" I
replied...
She gasped and said
loudly "Excuse me!!!"
"Well, since we are asking
questions that are none
of our fucking business ; it
seemed rather relevant." I
said.
So my guess is that she's
had the vaccine - but
doesn't do anal.

[Piper]

Coastguard intercepts
boat off Columbia with 2
metric tonnes of cocaine
Or, as Maradona would
have called it Breakfast.


Oakland Zoo in California
has vaccinated all of its
animals against Covid.
When asked why?, the
head keeper replied : Have
you ever tried to get a Lion
to wear a fuckin mask?!


Theatres must do more to
attract black audiences,
says star of Bob Marley
musical.
After taking a short
survey the producers have
decided to give all buyers
a free voucher for a KFC
dinner with purchases of
two tickets, plus a free
spliff for three tickets or
more.


James Dean Bradfield has
been standing in Cardiff
City centre shouting and
screaming about God,
Jesus and the Bible.
He's a Manic Street
Preacher.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between climate change
and Katie Price's plastic
surgery?
Climate change is real...


Food influencer Chaheti
Bansal has called for
people to cancel the
word 'curry' as it is over-used
and rooted in British colonialism.
As a lover of Phalls
ahd Vindaloos I have
to agree, how about
'arsefirewogslop'? Does
What it says on the tin.


I got invited to a Nirvana
tribute concert once I
asked if I needed to dress
up or bring anything.
They said, no, Come as
You Are.


In the early 1800's 1 in 5
Londoner's was thought to
have syphilis
With the end of lockdown
looming I'd say those
are looking like pretty
optimistic numbers..


I took my wife for her
to audition for X-Factor,
and whilst I was in the
lobby there was this
'Transgendered singing
Nun` also about to go in
that was in a near panic
because she's couldn't
decide what song to sing.
I'm still not sure why she
freaked out on me so hard
just because I suggested
"obviously - Sister
Christian.


Five steps to...

Sexual Confidence:

Step 1: Body. Step 2:
Talk, Step 3 : Porn. Step
4: Consent... Step 5:

pleasure

Updated by Prince Andrew
2021...


" I cannot tell a lie. "

-The Queen...

" I cannot tell the truth. "

Boris Johnson...

"I cannot tell the
difference."

Prince Andrew...


Ranges are out of the
champions League after
losing to a team featuring
a player called Bonke
Innocent.
And somehow, their name
wasn't Celtic.


Enough debates. Just go
out and get one already.
It protects you, your
family and everyone
in the community. It's
been scientifically,
mathematically and
statistically proven to
make everyone safer.The
communities that got
them are overwhelmingly
safer. The chances of side
effects or accidents are
so unbelievably small that
is completely absurd not
to get one already. Quit
being selfish, quit arguing
online and go get yourself
a firearm.


I got called into school by
my 8 year old's teacher.
When I got there I found
myself in a room with him
and the headmaster.
"We asked the class to
draw something that
they liked to do with their
parents, and Tom drew
this," he said, sliding a
piece of paper towards
me.
My blood ran cold as I
looked at the picture.
Despite the childish
depiction, there was no
doubting what the drawing
was showing.
" Look, ". I stammered," It
was only the one time and it
won't happen again."
"It's a little late for that
don't you think?" remarked
the headmaster, "I think
this is a clear case of
child abuse."
"OK, OK! so I took him to
see Tottenham Hotspur
play for fucks sake, but I
got the tickets free from a
bloke at work."


The trio of Messi, Neymar
and Mbappe is too unfair
on the rest. PSG will have
the best creator in the
world, the best dribbler
in the world and the best
scorer in the world.
And on top of that they'll
still have Neymar and
Mbappe.

[Piper]

No need for Andrews
Liver Salts today... he'll be
shitting himself anyway.


A slice of Prince Charles
and Princess Diana's
wedding cake has sold for
£1,850 at auction.
There's no cherry on it
though Prince Andrew
took all those.


While in New York, Prince
Andrew was asked his
thoughts about 911.
He replied, "They're my
favourites."


We can learn a lot from
history.
Take today. I was
watching Premier League
classics on Sky Sports
Liverpool versus Man Utd
from 1998 and discovered
that Posh Spice takes it
up the arse.

[Piper]

News-Batman's sidekick
Robin "comes out" as
Bisexual.
Of course, I've always
Known there's a reason
that that faggot is wearing
tights.


A Chink at a Stevie
Wonder concert bellowed
"Do a jazz chord, Stevie!"
He said he didn’t know
what she was talking
about and couldn’t help
her.
She said, "You know -
a jazz chord, to say, I
ruv you."


Trump supporting
republicans are
100% behind the 2nd
amendment and the right
to bear arms...
Except when it comes to
getting vaccinated.


New covid cases are
more up and down than a
Frenchman's trousers.


Justin Bieber leads this
year's list of nominees
at the 2021 MTV Video
Music Awards.
Let's hope he wins a bottle
of piss and a couple of
balls.



A personal trainer who
lives near me has just
been arrested for drug
dealing.
Just goes to show that
you never really know a
person. Five years I've
been going to see him and
I never even knew he was
a personal trainer.


Katie Price has never
heard of Bonke Innocent.


"David Schwimmer
denies 'spending time'
with Jennifer Aniston
amid Friends romance
speculation."
He said it was only a quick
shag.

[Piper]

So let me get this straight.

Prince Andrew is being
prosecuted in the
United States for having
underage sex with a
17-year - old girl........... in
Ghislain Maxwells
House......... In Belgravia,
London, because if it was
prosecuted in the UK, she
is legally allowed to have
sex, so no case to answer.

Does this also explain why
They wanted to prosecute
Anne Sacoolas in the
UK, because in the US
driving on the wrong side
of the road and killing a
motorcyclist is perfectly
legal.


I was shocked to hear the
news that Chris Brown
and Rihanna were thinking
of getting back together.
They recently met during a
filming of the new smurfs
movie.
And Chris Brown loves his
women black and blue.


A stowaway was recently
discovered on a Royal
Caribbean International
cruise ( June 19th from
Nassau ). Subsequent
investigation determined
he was a trainee
proctologist from
Liverpool. According to
the captain, the stowaway
was forced to work his
passage for the duration
of the cruise.

[Piper]

Always someone worse off!

Next time you're feeling
down remember life is all
about perspective.
I have a friend who has sex
2-3 times a day exercises
twice a day, reads two books
a week yet every day he
complains about how much
he hates prison.

My wife saw Christopher
Walken on Wednesday.
I saw him on Thursday but
he was running.


After 20 years occupation
by Western forces to
celebrate recapturing the
entire country in
a fortnight The Afghan
insurgents have remixed a
70's T-Rex classic that has
gone straight to number 1
in Kabul.
Taliban Sam.


Great news for fans of
70's music. Famous sons
Rolan Bolan and Zowie
Bowie plan to form the
ultimate tribute band and
have approached the lead
singer of Roxy Music's
son Jerry and the lead
singer of Blondie's son
Gary to join them.
I don't think the name
T-Roxy Blowie will catch on
though.


"Nicki Minaj and husband
Kenneth Petty sued by sex
assault victim."
In other words, Minaj a
trois.


If you watch the BBC
Prince Andrew interview....
You'll notice small cracks
appearing in it.


Summer news from
Balmoral.

A royal insider reports that
the Queen is not really
enjoying her seasonal
sojourn in Balmoral due
to the absence of her late
husband.
The same insider also
reports some good
news, Prince Andrew’s
sweat disorder has been
miraculously cured this
week and his physiology is
apparently making up for
lost time.


The Taliban are taking
over Afghanistan faster
than Covid-19 and the
Delta variant took to
spread over Europe and
India.


Watching the news with
My dyslexic pal the other
night and I said, "Looks like
the Taliban's back."
"Oh fuck," he says. "Tell
him I'm not in. I still owe
him $100 for that coat."


In the USA Virginia
Roberts Giuffre has taken
out a civil action against
Prince Andrew for having
under age sex with her
even though she was 17
at the time and the age of
consent in the uk where
the alleged act occured is
16...
I strongly urge the Prince
to go to Saudi Arabia
and take out a civil
action against her for not
wearing a Hijab in public.


The most used line in
movies is, Let's get out of
here "
Now used by the British
The Americans, and
Afghanistan's President
Ashraf Ghani last seen
fleeing on a bike


Comparing Afghanistan
to Vietnam is going to be
problematic for veterans.

Pulling out of Nam OK.

Pulling out of Stan...?


Taliban 2 def U.S.A 1


Islamic Emirate of
Afghanistan.
Does this mean Arsenal
will have to move.


After a 2-0 win over
Arsenal, Brentfords t-shirt
sale have more than
doubled in parts of the
Asian community.


I expect to be very rich
soon from my new
business venture.
Just opened a scrap
metal plant next to the
Paralympic stadium.


Tokyo Paralympic:
Ireland swimmer Patrick
Flanagan criticises
Heathrow Airport after
wheelchair 'destroyed' on
way to Games.
He started off with the
front crawl, ahead of
schedule.


Tour de France cyclists
shave their legs because
it reduces the amount of
drag.
But surely it increases it.


The Afghan army has
surrendered to the Taliban
so quickly, French
National pride has been
restored.


"Critics mock believers in
former president Donald
Trump's reinstatement
day."
A few thousand of them.
Everybody else is crying
because he won't be
reinstated.


"Prams expose babies
to up to 60% more air
pollution than adults"...
I'd like to know how they
came to that conclusion.
I don't know a single adult
who is pushed around in a
pram.


Believe or not, I was all in
favour of women being
allowed to vote.
Until I saw how many
think those Sunday Sport
stories are genuine.

[Piper]

Snooker stars and former
couple Mark Allen and
Reanne Evans will face
each other for the first
time at the British Open
today.
Their relationship ended
acrimoniously in 2008
after Allen unexpectedly
attempted a tricky brown.


Ex pats in Kabul right now.
All sticking false beards
and robes on whilst
practicing the Arabic
for: Well you took your
fucking time!


Bob Dylan has been
asked to comment on the
allegations he sexually
abused a 12 year old girl
in 1965.
He refused to confirm if
he knew what age she
was, but did say, "she
makes love just like a
women."


"Bob Dylan accused of
sexually abusing a 12-year-old
in 1965.
It weren't me babe.

[Piper]

She makes love just like a
woman
Yes she takes just like a
woman
Yes she does and she
aches just like a woman.
But she breaks like a little
girl.
Well she would Bob.


Bob Dylan is set to release
his latest single next
month...
"Knockin ' On Hymen's
Door"


Arsenal donated 500,000
shirts to Haiti following
the Earthquake.
The Haitians have
returned them with a note :
"We have no food no
money, no possessions no
water and no homes... but
we still have our dignity.


Prince Harry and Megan
Markle 'left speechless'
over Taliban takeover.
At least something good
came out of this then.


Diane Abbott has
come out and said how
saddened to hear the
news in Afghanistan.
"It's such a shame they
can't watch programmes
like Eastenders and Love
Island all because of the
Telly Ban."


Run, Afghan soldier, you
must run, run, run.
Here comes a Taleban
with a gun, gun, gun.
Get your chicken arse
right up the Khyber Pass
You've never done owt but
run, run, run.


Afghanistan former
president Ashraf Ghani
fled the country quicker
than an Italian sea captain
abandoning ship.


If there's one good thing
that's gonna come out of
Afghanistan under Taliban
rule.
Surprise weddings for
everyone.


The Taliban have
promised that under their
new government women
will be allowed to work.
Manchester council have
loudly objected calling
their religion radical and
offensive.


The pull Out Method didn’t
work for Afghanistan or
My mum.


Americans interruptus-a
method of birth control
in Afghanistan when they
pull out too late and leave
the country fucked to
get on with it.


If the Taliban came to the
UK would it really make
a difference to women’s
literacy in Manchester.


The Irish have been trying
to get their country back
for the last 800 years, the
Taliban did it in a weekend.


Asking the Taliban
how they took over
Afghanistan so quickly is
a violation of their Human
rights


Me and my wife went on
Bruce Forsyth's Play Your
Cards Right. It didn't go
well and the episode has
never been shown. Turns
out that a Brucie bonus
isn't a night with one of
his dollies.


The wife persuaded me to
watch Nip /Tuck on Netflix.
Very disappointing -
I assumed it was going
to be a detective show
starring a Jap and a
tranny.


A group of
archaeologists gathered
to find the leg bone of an
ancient man.
It was a real shindig.


The thing that surprised
me the most about our
journey with the corona
virus for the last year and
a half was that I never
knew how many liberals
and middle-aged women
were and are somehow
completel experts in the
field of infectious viral
diseases.


Ran into a gay dalek at a
Doctor who convention.
ExSPERMinate.


The great thing about
Joe Biden is that he
won't remember all the
disastrous decisions he’s
made.


Who can rule the dessert
on a camel in the sun?
Who can show the West
up when they think the job
is done?
Here’s a clue : it’s not a
song about a confectioner
this time.


Which former Liverpool
footballer is the biggest
muppet?
McManaman, do do do do
do, McManaman, do do do
do.
McManaman, do do do do
do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do
do.


The Premier League
has started again
unfortunately for Arsenal.
They had been on a real
run since June.

[Piper]

Bob Dylan has been sued
for being a nonce.
Now I know what the song
Lay Lady Lay is about.


Bob Dylan is set to release
his latest single next
week...
Blowin' In The Minge.


For the times they are. a-changin"
No, Bob. It's always been
illegal to fuck 12-year-olds.


Since the latest lockdown,
thousands of Aussies
are seeking asylum in
Afghanistan because the
curfews are shorter.


In Afghanistan women
are now to be returned
to the kitchen under the
patriarchy and now forced
out of the politics and to do
whatever their husbands
say.
I can only dream that
one day something this
magical will happen here!


I see there are two
chicken stories in the
news this week...

Nando’s has run out of
supplies.

Biden has run out of Kabul.



Afghans are fleeing a cruel
oppressive regime in their
thousands, one told a
reporter.
"We can not tolerate the
treatment from this cruel
and hateful regime, we
will be glad to get out
of England and back to
Afghanistan."


Women in Afghanistan
demand that they be
allowed to work.
Boris Johnson is asking
the Taliban for tips on how
to motivate women.


LGBT Afghans face
'extermination' at the
hands of the Taliban
within days.
The Taliban... putting
the fun back into
fundamentalism.


No under sharia
Law WIFE
stands for
whipping,
Ironing, Fucking
etc.


Afghanistan news-
Afghan women "voice
loud concerns" that they
will now be forcibly locked
in their homes and made
to cover their faces.
Yet I voice that exact
same concerns the last
two years and everyone
calls me a lunatic and
says, I'm "anti - science."


Does anyone else think
it's odd that an adult
drinking milk that came
from a cows tit is socially
acceptable, but drinking
milk that came from a
women’s is seen as weird?


Why do TV news channels
only use women to
present the business
news?
Because only women can
speak for hours on end
about something they
have absolutely no idea
about.


If God chooses who goes
to Heaven, then surely
Sean Lock's been picked

R. I. P


Looks like another Locke
down.

[Piper]

BBC Breaking News :
Kane to miss Spurs
European tie.
Because they'll really
be needing him up front
against the mighty Pacos
de Ferreira in their Europa
Conference League
Qualifer.


The American Soldier :
camouflage, electronics,
semi-automatic weapon,
grenades, field computer
infrared goggles...
Taliban Guy : Goat and
weapon.


I wasn't getting much
action from the wife, so
I said, "Hey sweety letÂ’s
play a game how about
every time you hear the
word 'Taliban' you give me
a blowjob"?
"Ha sure, why not. But
what is Taliban"?
So I quickly turned on the
BBC.


Donald Trump called
Afghanistan's collapse the
most humiliating thing in
US history.
He later saw it was
the second most
humiliating thing after
he remembered Hillary
Clinton.


A homeless sex worker
is the missing link of the
string of mystery Covid-19
cases in Australia.
So much for double jabs.


Lockdown is so strict in
Australia, Home and Away
is now just called Home.


There was a second hasty
withdrawal from Kabul
this morning.
The wife came home
unexpectedly while I was
shagging the Afghan
hound.

[Piper]

Prince Harry pledges a
$1.5m donation from
sales of next summer's
bombshell memoir to his
African children's charity
Sentebale.
And that children is an
example of the word
"Assumption"


Prince Andrew reportedly
at Buckingham Palace
holding crisis talks with
the Queen.
In other news,
unprecedented numbers
of young girls, presumed
missing and dead, have
suddenly returned home
to their parents.


Afghanistan latest...
All the Catholics have now
pulled out.


Used to think my dad was
from Afghanistan until I
realized he just didn’t want
women to have opinions.


Western government
have appealed to
the Taliban not to let
Afghanistan once again
play host to terrorism.
Its a bit like asking the
porn industry not to
introduce a cum shot in a
pornographic film.

[Piper]

"... Do you think it's fair
that only one company is
allowed to make the game
Monopoly"?


Viruses mutate over time,
take Covid for example...
It started as a pandemic,
and now it's become an IQ
test.


I know why Phillip
Schofield got the "we
buy any car." contract it's
because you have to enter
Reg first.


What do you call a
condom covered in shit?
An Elton Johnnie.


Kylie Jenner is pregnant.
It was awkward when they
asked Kylie if she knew
the sex, Kylie said, "I think
that time it was the limo."


The United States is
currently being held to
ransom by a group of old
white men with beards
goats and guns.
Whenever they do
something evil smile as if
the plumber in a Porn film
fixed the plumbing...


"Ex Navy SEAL tells
News crew now he's
save America through
committing war crimes"
Oh, fuck, if only we'd
thought of that. Mystery
why he's no longer a
member...


Muslims and Americans
are fighting again.
Maybe if they had
foreskins they wouldn't be
so bitter.


You've got to hand it
to Joe Biden, recently
the American Catholic
bishops were threatening
to excommunicate him for
supporting abortion.
Now he's shown his
steadfast commitment to
Pulling out.


We can rest easy knowing
the porn industry is safely
back in the hands of the
Taliban

[Piper]

I don't know how many of
you are aware of this but I
have been raising money
for many charities for over
40 years. These include
Cancer Research, The
Samaritans, Alzheimer’s
Society and 30 more
good causes. Well, this
year, what with Covid
restrictions and all, I
decided to rationalise my
collection process and
set up a website where
people can make a single
donation and I split it
up amongst the good
causes.
It's been a total disaster
and my revenues are
down by over 95%
which just goes to prove :
You shouldn't put all your
begs in one ask-it.

[Hoonicorn]

I
decided to rationalise my
collection process and
set up a website where
people can make a single
donation and I split it
up amongst the good
causes.
It's been a disaster
and my revenues are
down by over 95%
which just goes to prove :
You shouldn't put all your
begs in one ask-it.

Sick joke? I think that one is DOA!