What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Afghanistan - is it just me
or are Dido and Eminem
missing out on a huge re-release
opportunity?


The Taliban claim that
Afghanistan is now the
safest country in the
world.
That's because they've
stopped women driving.


Just read an article on
the BBC titled "My life as
the Queen's personal
bagpiper.
Basically it involves being
told to " shut the fuck up! "
over 50 times a day.


Meghan and Harry seem
blissfully unaware of the
mayhem they've caused
the Queen with 18 months
of drama, prior to Lilibet's
christening.
Harry's dad laughed at
his latest antics and said,
"Boys will be boys"
Prince Charles on the
other hand was livid.


Prince Andrew is refusing
to be served with a
lawsuit. He's hiding at
his mum's and cancelling
public engagements so he
can't be served in public.
Answer' s quite simple
really.
Send a kid round with
them.


Prince Andrew would
rather not be reminded
about 9/11 as that's
the age of his last 2
girlfriend's.


Prince Andrew fleeing to
Balmoral to avoid his loyal
subjects? Why?
They're only trying to give
him a sweater.


What's the difference
between Emma Raducanu
and Prince Andrew?
Emma's not scared of an
American court.


Emma Raducanu is so cool she
wouldn't break a sweat sitting
on Prince Andrew's lap.


Emma Raducanu... she
contested and won as a
Britain on the American
court circuit.. something
Prince Andrew could only
dream of.


I'm REALLY enjoying
watching Emma
Raducanu play game after
game in the US Open final.
New balls please!


Emma Raducanu has won
The US in Flushing
Meadows.
Did anyone else see Billy
Jean King try to finger
her as she presented the
trophy?


I really enjoyed watching
Emma Raducanu win the
tennis. There were some
great strokes. Until my
wife told me to put my
cock away.


Former UK Tennis pro
Jo Durie says Emma
Raducanu has "the full
package."
Funny enough, I said the
same thing when I first
saw Serena Williams play.


I heard Raducanu just
got offered her first
advertising contract, she's
endorsing Kleenex Man-Size
Tissues.
I have a feeling it's going to be a
successful campaign.
I certainly feel like
splashing out!


Emma Raducanu born in
Canada to Romanian dad
and Chinese mum.
English public : "she's
British."
Andy Murray born in
Scotland to a Scottish
mum and English dad
Supports the Scotland
Football team.
The English Public : "Fuck
that fucking traitor!"


Now he's in bad health,
I bet Phil Collins wife
wishes she had a pound
for every time he says :
I can't hurry love. You'll
just have to wait.


Phil Collins "I can't hold a
drumstick any more."
Try McDonald's mate. Just
order burgers.


Phil Collins said he's
forced to sit while singing
and can hardly hold a
stick now.
He won't even feel it
coming on the ground
tonight.


The trial of veteran rock
star Sir Rod Stewart and
his son Sean has been
cancelled and a hearing
scheduled for next month
to discuss a plea deal.
Rod has promised to sing.
"Urine My Heart Urine My
Soul." Guy's a pisser...



Whoopi Goldberg is in the
running to be the new Dr
Who.
She has the perfect
qualifications she once
admitted working as
phone sex operator...


The wife asked why I
never say I love her.
I can't win, only last week
she told me to stop lying.


Danniella Westbrook
unveilled her new face,
treated with fillers and
Botox.
She now look 10 years
younger than
Keith Richards.


Six men have been caught
with £160 million of
cocaine aboard a luxury
Yacht off Plymouth. If
they'd been on a dinghy
from Calais, they'd have
got through.


I auditioned for X-Factor
and got as far as the 6
chair challenge, and the
act on in front of me was
this insufferably arrogant
rapper who went out there
and to the roars of the
crowd his first line was "If
You're proud to be black,
Then stand the fuck up!"
I sat there feeling like I
had to somehow try and
top that, but basically
afterwards I was told
my performance would
not air, and unfortunately
it seemed no one in the
fucking audience was
proud to be white.


While in Australia
watching a travel show
about China, the wife
gushed "wow China
looks so exotic. So many
Chinese people. I wonder
what it's like. Can we go?"
"Sure no problem," I said.
So I called an Uber and
told the driver to take us
around the neighborhood.


With the extremely strict
Covid - 19 restrictions
Australian television forced to
make some changes
to its programme
schedule - 'Home all day'
will be premiering next
week.


Music teacher convicted
of 32 sexual offences.
He had them play the
pink oboe, skin flute, hot
sax, upside down piano,
worked on fingering,
studied A minor, the
fiddle, bag pipe, horn
DeBussy, showed them
his conductor's wand,
castanets, bel, banjo
string, bongos, wood and
16 other offences I can't
think of right now.


KT Tunstall has
announced she is deaf in
one ear.
Hope it goes as well as
her blindess problem,
when suddenly she could
see.

[Piper]

OK... so we all heard that
Elton John had released a
tribute song for the Kabul
Skydiving Club called
'Sandals in the wind'
But what about the lyrics...
I've done the first part...

Goodbye Al Ageem
Though I never knew you
at all.
They said you had a
dream,
to make a really long free -
fall.

Standing on the runway,
not knowing what to do
and so you took a chance
as a member of the
landing crew

It seems to me, you lived
your life
with your Sandals in the
wind.
Never knowing what to
cling to
when the wheels went in.

Someone should have told
you.
that you'd flipped your lid.
Your Sandals landed long
before
your leg end ever did!!

Feel free to add more.....


Paper tissue industry very
happy with yesterday’s
sales. A spokesperson
said, "We can't believe
how many boxes we
sold. Everyone must be in
tears of joy following the
Raducanu victory."


I got tennis elbow just
from watching Emma
Raducanu play!


If you close your eyes
while watching tennis.
It sounds like porn.


I was so overwhelmed
watching Raducanu win,
I had to get a box of
tissues.
Unfortunately - I'd already
gone through eight pairs
of socks.


Prince Andrew's ability
to sweat returned with
a vengeance a few days
ago.

He is now sweatier than

A pervert with a bin liner
full of tits out back of a
mastectomy clinic

Sir Philip Green at an
annual shareholders
meeting

The PM on Father's Day

Rolf Harris within sniffing
distance of the local
school.

Venus Williams jock strap
after watching this year's
US Open women's final.


The Royal kiddie fiddler
Andrew has now asked
tennis sensation Emma
Raducanu, for advice on
how to win in an American
court...


With the Prime Minister
issuing a policy on
vaccine passports, but
all the brown colored
ministers issuing differing
policies, it was clear that
tempers were growing
short on the set of
Planet of the Apes when
Boris forgot the order of
bananas.

[Piper]

Emma Raducanu cries
collecting trophy.
Meanwhile, 1% of ballboys
had an erection...


What a girl that Emma
Raducanu is. She even
speaks four languages...
Chinese, Rumanian,
English and Canadian


Emma Raducanu is being
lined up for a gong in
the Queen's New Year's
honours list.
Her mum said she is
delighted, as she'll be able
to call the family to dinner
with it.


Emma Raducanu grazed
her leg during a tense
moment of the US Open
final.
At my age, it helps a lot to
think 18-years - old Emma
has a nasty gash.


Calls have grown for
Emma Raducanu to be
made an MBE, OBE or
even a Dame following her
win at the US Open.
It is not yet known if
the Queen will grant an
honour to the teenager,
but Prince Andrew has
stated he would love to
give her one.


Prince Andrew hosts a
shooting party at Balmoral
two days before his first
Sexual assault hearing in
US.
Anyone thinking what I'm
thinking?


I've been wanking non
stop to reruns of the
US Open Women's Final
whilst wearing two pairs
of panties over my head.
Being the laundry guy at
Flushing Meadows has it's
advantages you know.


I've always wanted to
wear a scarf as a hat, but
come to think of it, it may
look offensive.


"I don't want the covid
jab, as there is stuff in it
designed to control us."
"Who told you this?"
"Some weed smokers on
Facebook."


I fucked a diabetic
Chinese girl so hard, she
passed out then died.
Just after she kept
screaming "In Su Lin."


The Government has
condemned Mickie Minaj
after the rapper claimed
that the Covid vaccine
causes impotence.
Love, if every man who
has sex with you canÂ’t get
an erection, the vaccine
isn't the problem.


"Man Utd are playing
Young Boys on astro turf.
Do you prefer grass or
astro turf?"
"Dunno, I've never smoked
astro turf."


Spider-Man - just another
guy who ends up with
sticky hands after using
the Web.


Doctor who star Tanya
Fear reported missing in
Los Angeles by worried
family.
Was she last seen getting
into a little blue box by any
chance?


Mum: Please help, our
daughter Tanya Fear is
missing.

Police : Where was she
last seen?

Mum: With the Doctor

Police : Doctor who?

Mum' Yes, that's him.



'Unhackable mobile
phones which were given
to prisoners in Scotland
during lockdown by the
SNP at a cost of €3
million have been hacked
and are now being used
for drug deals and other
criminal activity.
Looks like those
phones have got their
Independence.


I shared my home made
chocolate brownies
with my boss and work
colleagues today
I've been tipped off HR may
do a random drugs test
later.
If I'm going down every
fucker's going down.


I once saw this Chinese
guy who thought he was
black during 2011
Mark Duggan troubles
Loo Ting.


I've just had my covid
vaccine to stop me from
catching covid. Now all of
you unvaccinated people
better stay away from
me, because I don't want
to catch covid. SCIENCE
BITCH.


Ever since the pandemic
began my dyslexic mate
has been camping out
in the library. Hes been
following the silence.


BREAKING NEWS :
"... Meghan Markle may
have hereditary condition
that gives her joint laxity
and make her more
flexible."
In view of this, what does
Meghan Markle put behind
her ears to attract the
men?
Her legs!

[Piper]

'... Emma Raducanu,

18-years-old - slim and fit
-pretty - talented - worth
£4.3million - speaks
Mandarin Chinese when
you fancy a take-away
-knows how to caress
balls and get the best out
of them-half Asian so
no shaved pussy and a
Scorpio, so fucks like a
rabbit
WHAT'S not to like? '


Cabinet reshuffle news :
Nicki Minaj is the new
Health Secretary.


I was watching a replay
on TV this morning. "Is it
still love 15?"... asked the
wife.
"Yes. Definitely" i replied,
"but he still says he was in
Pizza Express and doesn’t
sweat!"


A group of vultures is
called a committee..
I thought it was called
Parliament.


BREAKING NEWS :

John Travolta was
hospitalised after
suspected Covid-19, but
doctors now confirm
that it was only Saturday
Night Fever, and they
assure everyone that he is
Staying Alive.
Apparently he had chills
that were multiplying.


What do gays, lezzas and
trans people need to fuck
each other?
eLiGIBiLiTY


What's with people talking
to people on loud speaker
on their phones recently?
Stood there like they’ve
just gotten through the
audition stage of the X
Factor like a gay bumder


Harry and Meghan
are named on Time
magazine's list of
the 'world's 100 most
influential people', and
quite right in my opinion
They have certainly
convinced me beyond any
doubt that they are a right
pair of cunts.


Say what you like about
Gerry Adams, he kept
Northern Ireland booming
for decades.


Suprs are starting a pay
per view TV channel the
offer is £5 per game but
they only pay if you watch
to the end.

[Piper]

When is someone going
to take a cue from Fawlty
Towers?
The sign outside Prince
Andrew's hidey-hole
should be changed to
BADMORALS.


Going from Donald
Trump to Joe Biden is like
replacing James Bond
with the Pope...


A woman who looks
exactly like a female
Donald Trump has been
asked to star in a porn
movie.
So finally, a cure for your
porn addiction.


Nicki Minaj has caused
my testicles to swell
much more than the
vaccine did.

[Piper]

It's now official Women
claim
Some of their best
relationships have been
battery-operated.


If Virginia Wade was
playing tennis with Emma
Raducanu..
both in there prime -
Virginia Wade would give
Emma Raducanu a good
licking.


BBC News - The Duke
of Edinburgh's will is to
remain secret for at least
90 years to protect the
"dignity and standing" of
the Queen the High Court
has ruled.
Nice to see the old
girl looked after his
illegitimate children then.


"My mother never saw
the irony in calling me
a son of a bitch "-Jack
Nicholson, 1967

1974-Jack Nicholson
learns that his sister is
really his mother.


Richard Littlejohn's
catchphrase in his Daily
Mail colum:"You couldn't
make it up."
Well Richard, if it was
reported in the Daily Mail
they probably did.


The late Blues singer BB
King had 15 children by
different women.
At least now we know
what 'BB' stood for
BareBack.


Delhi Ali was asked today
whether he'd rather be
called a nigger or a player
with Tottenham Hotspur?
He said a nigger.


Can't wait for the Spurs,
"We Gave Chelsea a Game
Until Half Time," 2021 /22
DVD


France, it now appears
are expressing anger at
the recent reduction in
collaboration over nuclear
submarine technology
sharing. Today we found
out that it was to just
be 'Australia - United
Kingdom _America'.... and
is shortened to 'A-UK-
US..
... president Macron is
thoroughly pissed off
with hearing France has
been dropped from the
Club.... saying
"puorquoi.... You stab us
in the back.... today it's
all about Aukus ... but
yesterday you were very
happy with... F- UK-US-A'... perhaps
he had a point.


French foreign minister
Jean-Yves Le Drian
has described Britain
as a 'spare tyre' in the
'submarinegate alliance.'
Well Mr Le Drian, I'd just
remind you that these
spare tyres were rolling
up your beaches in the
face of heavy machine-gun
fire on D-Day to save
your bacon, ( or more
specifically, your garlic
snails ). You lot might not
have noticed as you were
too busy cowering in your
cellars tying white hankies
to broomsticks or sucking
off German officers in
Swanky hotels.


I asked the librarian when
the book about Jecinda
managing the pandemic
"I haven't a clue," he
replied.
"Yeah that's the one."
I replied.


Muslim food must be
more posh than we think.
From what I can see, it's
all Allah cart.


BBC News -, A judge has
ruled that Prince Andrew's
US lawyer can be served
with legal papers in a
Sexual assault case.
Wonder if he's started to
sweat yet.


World Taekwondo
Federation has changed
it's name over negative
connotations.
WTF?


The first human head
transplant could happen in
two years.
Finally a cure for Ant and
Dec...


I disagree that Melania
Trump was just in hospital
having breast implants.
She's already married
to the biggest tit on the
planet.


A British company
has created a line of
underwear designed to
make women’s bums
appear larger.
Just a tip, don't ask
your girlfriend if she’s
wearing them.


Gwyneth Paltrow has
created a contoured
shatterproof mirror with
LED lights which enables
women to get a closer
look at their private parts.
What with her vagina
smelling candles.... that
bitch is more obsessed
with fanny than I am.


We'll see how good an
actor Patrick Swayze is if
he turns up for the filming
of Ghost 2.


If the vaccine conspiracy
Turns out to be true and the
Covid vaccine has indeed
made me sterile, that's
awesome as it's been a
free painless vasectomy!
Women turning 40 who
"might want kids someday
( I. E fucking now ). here I
cum.

[Piper]

I see Andrew is first in
line to offer his special
"babysitting" services.


Prince Andrew is said to
be delighted at the news
of having a granddaughter
today, he was quoted as
saying, "I can't wait to give
her a good quality finger
ring.


Which Nolan sisters song
do most prison inmates
sing on their first night
inside?
Don't you make my brown
eye blue!


See west ham's mark
nolan at a night club last
night he weren't in the
mood for dancing by the
look of it.


Marcus Rashford now
doing adverts for Google.
Truly, a man of people.


The crematorium near
me just burnt down. The
damage was extensive
however they were now 3
weeks ahead of schedule.


I don't worry about
terrorism.
I was married for ten
years...


Its funny to see the Brits
campaigning for BREXIT.
Being an Indian, one thing
I can confirm is that the
Brits take forever to leave
a country until they are
Kicked in the arse by the
ones they once used to
rule.


A new study claims
regular sex can help
people stay slim.
Heads up guys, women do
not like the pickup line
How'd you like to lose
some weight tonight?


I'm not saying my wife's
thick.
But I told her I found a
cockroach and she asked
who would smoke a spliff
with their penis.


Whoever coined the
phrase 'what goes around
comes around,' clearly
never experienced the
joys of sabotaging the
Waltzers at the fairground.


These occasions are rare.

There's a black girl named
Gladys on my phone.

It's night, I'm on a train
and I've just spat out
some pips.

[Piper]

Free speech is like farting.
I use it to offend everyone.


Bond candidate, the
name's Elba... Idris Elba.
Why are you hiding your
wallet?


If Idris Elba had become
James Bond in the
beginning... think of the
films he could have been
in.

Coonraker.

Dr Snow.

From Benefits Office
With Love.

The Man With The Twelve
Inch Gun.


Even if you're capable
of sympathising with
Boris Johnson, you
have to admit that he's
increasingly showing
himself to be out of
his depth. He's left the
country more divided than
Katie Price's legs.


Nicki Minaj : My cousin's
friend got the jab and
is now impotent, with
swollen testicles.
That's why I got my jab in
the shoulder.


David Cameron.
The man who put the pork
in Porky pig.


I don't tell many
jokes about Islamic
fundamentalists.
They tend to bomb.


People in England
shouldn't complain that
some of the women are
mutton dressed as lamb.
In Scotland, they are
mutton dressed as mutton.


"Where have you been?
You look rough"

"I travelled in a time
machine to London, it was
awful. Queen Elizabeth
was on the throne, there
was a recorded pandemic,
men were wearing make
up, tights, frilly collars
and poofy skirts, kids
were being trafficked
from around the world
to work, the clergy were
fucking their choir boys,
skank women were
drugged and prostituted
on street corners, Chelsea
had blacks running
medicinal intoxicants
and the Jewish settlers in
Tottenham had never been
awarded anything. "

" You time travelled back
to the late 1500s?"

"No to last year."


Prince Andrew has
apparently had a series
of smiley cartoon faces
tattooed onto his cock.
He says he wants to make
eating fun for kids.


I couldn't believe the
headline this morning
'Canadian Prime Minister
re-elected.'
It's Trudeau.


Adele and boyfriend Rich
Paul sneak out the back
exit of swanky Beverly
Hills restaurant.
Reminding her that she
will have to "make his
dreams come true and
give him things, she didn't
used to give to you"....


Q: what is the current
number - one song in
Melbourne, Australia?
A:"Whole Lotta Shakin '
Goin' On"


"Oh I think I missed my
meds again, I think I
missed my meds again - oh
oh ohhhhhhh..."
Phil Collins 2021 -

[Piper]

Climate protestors
demonstrating and my
loudly driving my vintage
car around produces the
very same effect.
It makes absolutely no
fucking difference to the
environmental cause, but
it allows us to feel smug
about ourselves and gets
us attention.


What's the difference
between a duvet and
Afghanistan?
One is thrown over, the
other is overthrown.


Definition of irony :
The Aussies lease port
in Darwin to China for
100 years, then spend
billions on subs to defend
themselves from them.


The alphabet mafia are
going after the Vatican
because a Cis Teen built
the Chapel.


This black girl once got
mad at me cause there
was a 'Whites Only' sign
up at my business.
I told her, "There's nothing
for you to worry about, it
hasn't been enforceable
for decades, but it's
just up to remind me of
happier times."


People 2012: anyone
who thinks that the
world's leaders are
planning to release a
virus and implement
new technology to track
Everyone, is a dangerous
Conspiracy theorist.

People 2021: Covid - 19
escaped from a market
next to a biological
warfare laboratory and
anyone who doesn't
download the track and
trace app is a dangerous
Conspiracy theorist.


Women are like cars:
We all want a Ferrari,
sometimes want a Ford
Transit, and end up with a
Lorry...


Body builders.

While you're in the gym
Six days and nights per
week, eating five times a
day, shopping for muscle
vests, body shaving, oiling
up, putting your tiny cock
into competition pouches
and looking in mirrors, I'm
fucking women.

[Piper]

Bass player Alan
Lancaster has died.
That'll upset the Status
Quo.


I thought Anthony Joshua
had been vaccinated.
Last night he looked like a
non-jabber.


Poor ol' Anthony Joshua,
I hadn't seen a black guy
get whipped like that since
Kunte Kinte refused to call
himself Toby in Roots.


After the battering last night
I won't be surprised
if Anthony Joshua
announces he is gay.


It's no surprise the French
are upset about the
submarine deal between
the UK, US and Australia.
They hate being excluded
from a 3-way.


Have we tried throwing a
politician into a volcano to
appease the virus yet?
Let's start with one and
keep going until the virus
is gone.


Swizzels Matlow Ltd,
the manufacturer of
Love hearts have released
a new set of the beloved
sweets, updated for
the 21st Century with a
message presented as
acronyms.

BOD... bring own dildo.

ATM... ass to mouth.

LAKT... loves a knee tremble.

KORSD... keen on rusty sheriff's badges.

AGFF... always good for fisting.

BLASD... bangs like a shithouse door.

OWD... obscene when drunk.

KTIV... known to induce vomiting.

WFFP... will fetch for petrol.

LTGHJ... loves to give hand jobs.

OCE... oral costs extra.

HLAH... hung like a horse.

I'll leave you to decide the
flavours for each sweet.


What spice girl can still
get petrol?
Geri can.

In a desperate bid to find
work, any work, Minnie
Driver has emigrated to
the UK and changed her
name from Minnie to Lorry.


Modern cartoons are all
crap so I've been watching
Bananaman.
Although Leroy hates it
when I call him that.

[Piper]

Dune is a great SF book
by Frank Herbert, here is
a brief summary to tempt
you into reading it.
The story evolves around
a spice called Melange
Melange gives great
powers and also longevity
to those who use it.
Melange is a French
word, it can translate into
English as variety.
Variety is, therefore, the
spice of life.
This summary doesn't
really do the book justice,
but go on, read it anyway.


Just waved at my cunt of
a neighbour who laughed
at my electric car.
He was stuck in a mile
long queue at the petrol
station in his BMW.


With the fuel prices
rising, it'll be cheaper
to buy cocaine and run
everywhere instead.


The price of Bitcoin has
plummeted after China
said cryptocurrencies are
illegal.
Keep an eye on China to
see how much Bitcoin
they buy now.


Prince Andrew calls his
US lawyer and says, "can
you get me off this sexual
assault charge one and
for all?"
The lawyer replies, "No
sweat."
Andrew replies, "oh, so
you've worked on my alibi?"


Draw for the World Cup
2026 has just been made
Ethiopia are away to
Hungary, actually they
were hoping for Turkey at
home.

[Piper]

According to statistics, 5%
of the UK population are
non-white/non-British, and
only 2% are homosexual.
... So can someone tell me
where the fuck are they
filming the Great British
Bake Off?


R Kelly is going to get his
Space Jammed in prison.


What does R Kelly have in
common with Malaysian
Airlines?
They both believe they can
fly.


Covid Zero and Net zero
have a lot common.
They both destroy jobs,
livelihoods, and freedoms.


Is there ever a time when
Customer Service is not
experiencing "high call
volume?"


The man who made
marriage work was Henry
the VIII.


I remember playing a
game called Downfall
when I was young. It was
a game we got from a
charity shop.
Today I think of Downfall
as an entirely different
kind of game which
involves pushing niggers
off a bridge.

[Piper]

The COP26 conference
starts in Glasgow in a few
weeks time. Planning for
the event has been going
on for weeks. The venue,
the accommodation and
the security are already
sorted. But they forgot to
select a suitable theme
song to play at the event.
Fortunately, Greta Thunder
Thighs was able to
Suggest a suitable song
from the Carol King back
catalogue... I'm sure many
of you will know the song
'It's too late.'
Other songs might be
more appropriate.


Brittany Spears reassures
her fans that she regained
control of her bank
account back from her
father.
Mexico reassures Brittney
Spears that they’re able to
resume shipping her Coke.


Last week the statistics
were that 'on average' only
one black man in two has
taken the jab in England...
These week, after the
Anthony Joshua fight 'on
average'...


Anthony Joshua went to
try to fill up his car today
but got beaten at the
pumps.

[Hoonicorn]

I had a quick google to find out about Gary Glitter since posts here said he was buying up copies of Nirvana's Nevermind album. I found that Gary Glitter was recently featured in a school music exam. A question about his music is fine, but if there's one person you don't want to associate saying the words "Shh, please turn-over now, you have an hour" to school children, it's Glitter.

Fun fact about Gary Glitter, he doesn't like swearing during sex, he once said "Who wants to hear that kind of bad language during sex? Especially from a child!"

Really though, it's about time we lay off with the Gary Glitter jokes, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dentist.
Well it was mostly because he was a pedo.
Which begs the question "How many fillings did he give me?"

On the news tonight the breaking news story was "At least one person killed in suicide bombing" and I thought "Yeah, obviously, that's the bare minimum you need to qualify."

Do terrorist fundamentalist's sex dolls blow themselves up?

But really, why be a suicide bomber on the off chance you'd get 72 virgins when you die? Become a Catholic Priest and have them now!

[Piper]

Living in liverpool is really
hard as every time I
shut the window I hurt
somebody's fingers.


How do mermaids relax?
Seaweed.


Pissed off I just spent
hours queuing at BP for
nothing Driving past,
my Chinese colleague
insisted we stop there
for lunch, but I didn’t
understand why. It was
only when we finally got
to the front of the queue
and he asked for 2 pet
rolls with sauce I had to
explain to him that the
word Petrol has a different
meaning in English.


Two years ago people
stayed at home due to
Covid and there was
a tissue and toilet roll
shortage. Now due to lack
of petrol and diesel people
are staying at home and
I'm stocking up on tissues
and toilet rolls before
the shortage starts. Why
would there be a shortage
you ask? Bloody obvious
when you think about
it. What are all us guys
doing when not at work?
PORNHUB!


During the 1665 plague,
Isaac Newton worked
from home and developed
his theories on gravity,
calculus and optics.
During COVID, I discovered
vodka.


My wife keeps saying
she'll leave me because of
my obsession with Buddy
Holly.
That'll be the day.