What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Perhaps a Greta Thunberg
is finally coming to
terms with the rest of
society when she used
the word 'fuck' as part
of a comment aimed at
the various government
officials and leader about
what was going on at
COP26.
Who knows, she might
even eventually, learn the
meaning of fuck.... and
then.


Convicted wife beater
Mike Tyson is to marry the
gorgeous Gemma Collins.
He has been described
as "punching above his
weight."


Covid-19 or Coronavirus,
either term is correct
However
Only Covid-19 can be
pronounced to the tune of
'come on Eileen'
( Good luck unthinking that )


"How do you feel about black
people getting jobs now
based on the colour of
their skin and not ability or
credentials?"
"I don't give a fuck."
"Excellent Winston. So, do
you want Dr Who, James
Bond, PG Tips ad or to be
the king?"

[Piper]

Nike drop Yorkshire
Cricket club after ex-England
star Gary Ballance was revealed
as the player who called
teammate Azeem Rafiq a
'paki'.
Stating it was offensive
to the Pakis making their
shoes.


What's the difference
between a Yorkshire
cricketer and a Paki?
Nothing until you lose
your first team place


I was watching my 7 year
old son playing with his
ball sack today.
"Dad, is this where my
brain is?" he said.
"No, not yet" I said.


These people moaning
about the alleged
"shortage in shops.
They do not know the
pain of waiting for a Porn
movie to be downloaded.


Having seen the two
sausage jockeys dancing
tonight on come dancing,
I mean two gays dancing
together, reminds me of
A the joke about
" What's white and moves
across the dance floor."
Cum dancing of course.


Anthony Joshua had his
Covid vaccine at North
Middlesex Hospital.
His first decent jab in
Tottenham this year.


Eddie Howe for Newcastle
United?
It's a bit like winning
the lottery and buying a
second hand Lada.


Saw an advert on tv for
a donkey sanctuary, if I
send €3 a month I could
adopt a donkey. They also
promised to send me
photographs.
Two weeks after I set up
my direct debit, I got a
welcome pack containing
4 pictures of Harry
Maguire.

[Piper]

A woman in Texas has
been accused of shooting
and killing a neighbour
after a bouncy castle was
allegedly stolen.
She'll be for the high jump.


The US Navy have
launched a ship named
after the great gay activist
Harvey Milk.
I'm quite envious, at least
that's going to get filled up
and get covered in plenty
of seamen
Oooooooooh


The US Navy names ship
after the gay activist
Harvey Milk. The only
entrance for seamen will
be on the stern end and
must assemble on the
poop deck for further
instructions.


BREAKING NEWS :

As Thailand opens
to Tourists after the
COVID - 19 pandemic, a 16-
year-old female Pimp and
3 underage prostitutes
are arrested by Pattaya
police.
FUCK COVID!
Even the Prostitutes are
getting older.


People seem to forget
that Astro, founding
member of UB40 was rich
and famous long before
UB40 fame.
He even had plastic grass
named after him.


My uncle used to say
to me, "always take the
negative and turn it into a
positive"
Lovely guy... but he's
just been fired
from the Durham COVID
Testing Centre.


A UK Council has just
decided to classify
a woman's right to
breastfeed as a Legal
right.
Also a Legal right "Is
man's right to watch."


A man in the UK was
robbing a house when
he arsed-dialed 999 by
accident.
So now he's in prison,
where his arse is dialing
999 on purpose...


I won some money on
a scratch card and I
was going to give it all
to charity. She wasn't
dancing that night so I
gave it to Crystal instead.


Pregnant women currently
account for one in six of
the most critically-ill Covid
patients in hospitals.
Here's a good one for all
You anti-vax, anti-abortion
ranters out there.
Should pregnant women
be made to get the Covid
vaccine?

[Piper]

A KKK guy walks into
a bar in the deep south
and there's a black guy
working behind the bar.
"SERVE ME NIGGER", says
Mr KKK the black fella
says, "your not allowed to
say that now" and the KKK
man sys, "OK sell me
some beer nigger"


I got fired from my new
job as a Bingo Caller
because they didn't like
my calls.
Apparently, "Hair on the
muff, old enough - 15"
was inappropriate.


If John Wayne Bobbit
case teaches us anything,
it's that money doesn't buy
a penis.


You know you're a proper
lad when you've fucked
more birds than you've
eaten desserts in a
Indian restaurant.


The wife and I decided to
spice up our sex life, so
we got a Kama Sutra and
tried out some of the stuff
in it.
We did The Tortoise, then
we did The Inverted Crow.
Then the RSPCA turned
up.


The USA Harvey Milk
announces it's first
crew will join the ship
tomorrow.
Roger the Cabin boy and
Seamen Staines are said
to be delighted.


I don't care how much
work she puts in for
climate change, or how
she abuses world leaders,
or is a hero for the youth
of today.
Greta Thunberg is still a
tough wank.


I walked up to a fat
girl eating meals in
McDonald's.
I said, "You need a bit of
me in your life."
"Do I now?" she blushed
with a smile "What's your
name?"
I replied, "The name's
power, will power."


My girlfriend was dancing
terribly in the club last
night and everyone looked
at her in disgust, yet I kept
chanting, "Go Sophie! Go
Sophie?! Go Sophie!"
She said, "Thanks darling
you're the only person
here who's supporting
me."
"Supporting you?" I
replied, "I'm telling you to
leave!"

[Piper]

Having a big nose is no
excuse for not wearing a
mask.
After all, I still wear
underpants.


Hell hath no fury like
a mother whose child
wakes up.
Because her husband
comes back from the pub
late...


Wait, so now it's a
compulsory jab for NHS
staff but before it was
zero tolerance on violence
against staff? Make up
your fucking minds.


I love the way my nine
year old son is preparing
for adulthood and it's
pitfalls. He spent all his
money on a dolls house
and gave it to his little
girlfriend next door saying
"Here you might as well
have a house now instead
of taking it off me in
twenty years."


Lady Gaga reveals she
wore a BULLETPROOF
DRESS to sing at
president Joe Buren's
Inauguration.
You never know if a
music lover will be in the
audience.


Beaver moon-a new
name for upskirting
commandos?


2 gangster lobsters who
look identical...
The Crayfish twins.


Austria seeks to
encourage take up by
making vaccine available
in brothels with a free
sex session thrown in
afterwards.
"... just a small prick
sir..."
"Fuck off, it's your gaping
cunt."


Every morning my wife
gives me a BJ.
She's too lazy to call it
breakfast juice.


The only thing darker than
my sense of humour is is the
skin colour of my slaves.


If Aldous Huxley had been
on the magic carpet with
Princess Jasmine that
song would be called A
Brave New Hole.


Tina Turner, 81 is suing a
31 year old tribute act in
Germany for looking too
much like her.
Honestly, that woman
needs to take a good look
at herself.


The most widely
recognised Cockney
rhyming slang terms for
money include :

Pony =£25

Ton =£100

Monkey =£500

Peerage =£3m


Gary Glitter wouldn't keep
getting into trouble if he'd
just stop booking his
summer holidays with
Club 8-13.


Why did Gary Glitter give
up playing golf?
Every time his opponent
shouted 'Fore' he looked
around and said, "She'll do!"


Well fuck me, been paying
£5 a month to a donkey
sanctuary for years and
only got a thank you
letter of Harry Kane this
morning.


The river Thames is a
diverse ecosystem that's
now home to sharks.
Politicians have been
sinking and swimming
there for centuries.


Three bouncers
suspended after woman
"thrown to the floor"
Well? Did she bounce?

[Piper]

I heard Little Mix are
playing Norwich in March.
I reckon they'll win 3-0.


Rihanna upset Muslims
with inappropriate
pictures in 2013 and lyrics
in 2020
She should release a
new version of one of her
biggest hits... Under My
UmbrAllah Allah Allah... eh,
eh?


Poppycock is the term
for when you smoke too
much opium to get a
boner.


Me- The sun is pretty hot.

Wife - And I'm not?


Woman roasts man for
calling her a cunt in a text
message before their first
date.
Totally agree he was out
of order.
Should wait at least
until the first day of the
honeymoon.


Dr Hilary reckons there's
a pandemic. His company
gets money from Bill and
Melinda Gates and he tells
everyone to obey rules
that he doesn't
At least Dick Turpin wore a
mask.


What's the difference
between a drug cartel and
the government?
A drug cartel doesn't force
you to take their drug.


BBC : NZ's Conway out of
T20 World Cup final after
punching bat.
Serves them right for
starting the pandemic.


Johnson & Johnson is
going to split it's business
into two companies.
One will be called
Johnson.
And the other will be
called Johnson.


Blade Runner - The story
of a white jogger trying to
make it through Bradford.


What's a black Londoner's
favourite Wesley Snipes
movie?
Blade.

[Piper]

A Polish lorry driver has
been arrested after being
caught with cocaine worth
£33m hidden in bags of
onion rings.
Obviously someone
didn't understand when
his bosses asked him
to smuggle the drugs in
using a few packets of
Johnnie's


I've been on duty in
Glasgow at the United
Nations Climate change
Conference.
Getting in and out has
been a fucking nightmare.
Not a good time to be Cop
No. 26


"We need to talk."
Something you never want
to hear from the girlfriend
or the doctor.



Just got back from
New York and gave my
Japanese girlfriend the
ceramic frog she asked
for.
She said thanks but
looked confused. Weird, I
mean she told me to bring
her back a statue of ribbity.



I know women like to be
mysterious, but indicators
are for safety purposes.


All this diversity and
inclusiveness malarkey
has gone too far these
days.
I mean, just look at Priti
Patel.
The new Enoch Powell,
and she's not only a bird
but a Paki to boot.



I feel for Prince Andrew.
Although I do think it's
outside of my remit within
My duties as his equerry.


My first day in prison I was
ordered into a cell where
three other blokes were
already in there, and they
introduced themselves as
"The Butthole Surfers"
I knew this wasn't going
to go down well when I
also saw there were no
instruments on-hand to
play covers of rock grange
music.

[Piper]

It will soon be Christmas
so advent approaches,
time to bring out a topical
advent calendar.
How About. A Tory sleaze
calendar... every day a
newly opened window will
reveal a new dirty dealing
MP and the allegations
against him.
I would have suggested
similar calendars for the
other political parties
in an attempt to be
politically unbiased... but
come on... we all know
where the 'big hitters' are
located in the Commons,
Suggestions please, I'll
start off December
5th and the secretary of
state for Transport who
has accepted donations,
In the past from Boeing
Defence, for trips to
the USA and Germany.
He also has links with
companies who oppose
attempts to make air
travel cleaner for the
environment ( allegedly ).


Driffield chef unfairly
sacked for ectopic
pregnancy awarded
£17,000 Ms Pawley was
awarded £12,000 for injury
to feeling and more
than £5,000 for her sick
pay and potential lost
earnings.
And there we have it, folks
-hurt feelings are worth
more than double the
actual damage suffered
in our woke snowflake
society of today.
Kudos to the lawyer
who rightly 'screwed'
the company for all they
could, but I despair of
the irrationality of the
accounts.


Azeem Rafiq says
that English cricket is
institutionally racist and.
that all the Indians and
Pakistan's that have
played for England agree
with him.


During lockdown Meghan
was getting bored
so Harry suggested
"You've always said you'd
like to look up your family
tree?"
They did. A chimp threw
some shit into their
eyes.


I got some black Roman
and Venetian blinds for
the house.
Day one and they're
already moaning about
having to work.


The winners of the
Scrabble Cup finals are in.
The James Bond Cup was
won by Q who easily beat
M
The heavy metal cup
was won by ZZ Top who
hammered ACDC
The hardware store cup
was won by B&Q who keat
IKEA
The text abbreviation cup
ended in a draw between
YOLO and ROFL
The Star Wars cup was
cancelled as both finalists
tried to use numbers
( C3PO v R2D2 )

Feel free to add your own


I thought I saw Westlife
walking through the
desert. Turned out to be
Oasis.


Great news! Only three
more jabs until Christmas


Azeem Rafiq says at
Yorkshire cricket club they
called asians elephant
washers and one certain
player constantly called
him a paki and made
jokes every time they
passed a corner shop
saying things like ( "I bet
that's your dad's shop" )
Being a Lancashire lad I'm
really starting warm to
Yorkshire county cricket
Club.


ka-ching, ka-ching ka-
ching
After Azeem Rafiq
stunning and un-
collaborated performance
with the Select Committee
Hearing today, the
compensation lawyers
are ready and available to
help with the impending
claim against
Lancashire Cricket club
ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-
Cheng.


Abba is releasing its first
new album in 40 years.
If you play it watching
"The Wizard of Oz" with
the sound off, it will still
sound crap...


My wife speaks 5
languages.
Mother, liar, bitch, whore,
and gold digger...


These sale price items are
a steal!
No wonder they call it
Black Friday.


Why is there no black
character in the game
'Cluedo'
Because then it would
have to be re-named
'Solvedo'


My daughter's black
boyfriend just heard
he's eligible for the
booster and he wants to
get it ASAP.
I wish the workshy
bastard was as
enthusiastic about getting
a job as he's is the jab.


Some diffences between
American and UK English.

You say jelly we say jam.

You say Jell-O we say jelly.

You say chips we say crisps.

You say fries we say chips.

You say garbage we say rubbish.

You say freeway we say motorway.

You say gas we say petrol.

You say President we say
bumbling fat incompetent
dickhead.


They say you learn
something new everyday.
Today I learnt three new
things.

1.Dont wear wireless
earbuds when urinating in
the toilet.

2.It's amazing how quickly
you can stop pissing and
thrust your hand into a
toilet bowl of your own
piss to fish out the unluckupy
earbud out.

3.Sony WM-1000XM3
earbuds can withstand a
dunking in the toilet and
a lengthy rinse under the
cold tap.

NB use the other hand if
you are wearing a wrist
watch.

More household tips in
the future as accidents
happen.

[Bikkie]

News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping.

There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.


The latest book from Wales
"101 ways to do lamb"
There's even a few recipes in it


Being tested positive for Covid, I did the only thing any normal person would do. I met up with all the people who I haven't spoken to for years for whatever reason, (usually because they're cunts) and went out and had a beer with them and a good old handshake and firmly buried the hatchet.

It's good to share.



Racism in sport.

To be honest, I couldn't be less interested.

I don't give a shit.

I mean it's...

Cricket and Pakis.


It is said asylum seekers such as Liverpool bomber change to Christian religion in order to say they would be at risk if sent back to home country and these people can change to become Christian in just five weeks after completing a basic course. What they don’t say is how easy that course is.I became Christian when I was baptised and I was only six weeks old (I can’t even remember doing any course) and like most asylum seekers I couldn’t speak a word of English then either.


KFC? I didn't even know Kentucky had a football team.



Azeem Rafiq said when he was 15 some lads held him down and poured red wine down his throat ...
I tried that excuse with the wife several times trust me it doesn't wash.



I took a real slut home on Saturday and as she sucked my cock I noticed a tattoo on her shoulder with two birds in flight.
Hmmmm swallows I thought.



SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have?
SCOOBY DOO: rabies.
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant.




I heard that the next bond movie they are going to start of the film with bond as a man and thru the film he will gradually turn into a women ,
They’ve called it cocktopussy...



Over a few pints,a good mate told me the
other day, that there were only four types of female orgasm!

1) The 'Positive' -

"Yes, YES, YEEEES..."!

2) The 'Negative' -

"No NO, NOOOOOOOOOO!

3) The 'Religious' -

"Omigod OHMIGOD - JEEEEEEEESUS CHRIST"...!

and 4) The 'Faked' -

"Oh Stan, STAN, STAAAAAAAAAAAAAN"...



New toy to hit the shops for Christmas.

It's a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the fuck it says, because no one has the guts to pull the fucking cord....




Oscar Wilde said that 'sarcasm is the lowest form of wit'.

Well, using a kazoo I just farted the tune of 'Blowin In The Wind'.

One-nil to me, I think.


That expensive new media room will finally get some significant use this Christmas as the Cabinet plan to put on a pantomime of The Wizard of Oz. Nominations please as to which ministers will play the part of the murderous Dorothy, the coward, the brainless one and the heartless one.
No, the PM can’t play more than one part.




Women squirting is a big thing in sex nowadays. I reckon I must be one of the sexiest men alive. The ladies usually piss themselves as soon as I take off my pants.

[Bikkie]

Adele thinks her new album "could actually save a few lives".

Especially if you don't listen to it...




There is no room for racism. You have to join a waiting list.



Priti Patel wants to pay Albania a hundred grand apiece, to hold illegal immigrants until their immigration cases are heard.



I get the feeling that she's the mug who bought Del boy's homing pigeon 6 times.



Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or even an expensive bottle of perfume for Christmas, but she will NEVER forget the Christmas you got her a new mop, NEVER.




These days my bowel movements are like buses, nothing for ages then two come along at once.

And they're always bright red.




I`m English and I went up to Scotland, Inverness to be exact, for the first time for a few days on holiday.

What a great time I had and what lovely, friendly people who love to party!

Last night I fell in with a group of locals in a pub and got hyper-drunk on Scotch whiskey.

Just before closing time, a girl in a tartan skirt sidled up to me, and when she told me she was wearing nothing underneath I knew I was well in!

I did anal with her back at my hotel room, she blew me off and we fell asleep in each other`s arms.

I was so drunk I slept until midday and she had gone without waking me.

Now I`m on the train going home. Just cap it all, I`ve just had a nice friendly text from some guy called Hamish saying he met me in the pub last night, and if I go up there again, he wants me to stay with him.




I said to my wife over dinner - "You remind me of my favourite Beatles song"

"Mmmm Sexy Sadie?" - she said, looking wide eyed and taking my hand.

"No.... Hey Bulldog"




Watching a film with an all black cast.

I prefer Planet Of the Apes myself.
Azeem Rafiq apologises for historical anti-Semitic tweets.

The curry munching hypocrite has been caught out.

Much like in his cricket career.


Azeem Rafiq has apologised for making antisemitic comments in messages from 2011.

Just another case of the pot calling the kettle brown.


Fuck you Rafiq..

You were never ever qualified for white balls cricket.



This new guy started at work that says he's "non-binary" and wears mascara and lipstick, and anyway today he unbelievably approached me flanked by the HR lady and demanded I stop using the term "guys" to refer to him or others in general as this "assumes being male as the default superior gender !"

"Ok, that's fine Buddy."


Mental Health Authorities are on standby this weekend as are The Samaritans. It's fuck all to do with Seasonal Affect Syndrome. Adele is doing a show on Sunday night on national TV.


if two two is twenty two, three three is thirty three, why isnt one one onety one


'Prince Harry releases 15-point action plan to defeat fake news'.

1. Get rid of Meghan..



I just had a Youtube video come on where the "Crossfit" team from San Francisco is called the "San Francisco Fire."

Probably the other F word to describe people from San Francisco would have been too obvious.


To all the woke people out there thinking they are defending black people by stamping out supposedly racist language and cancelling people for telling jokes, it's a bit presumptuous to think that they can't defend themselves.

They all have knives, they can handle themselves just fine.



I was at the COP26 conference.

We had spring water and Glacier mints.

Ate a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti the other day and later on, passed 25 intact letters of the alphabet.

I shit u not.


I am glad to say we live an age where people increasingly accept things previous generations would not have.

For a while now, most people have been comfortable with LGB.

A further little step was made when we progressed to recognising the existence of LGBT.

I think it`s a great improvement that we now accept queer folks of various types, LGBTQ.

But how about Paedophiles and Zoophiles? They are out there too, you know.

I am looking forward to the day when even using “LGBTQPZ” means no-one bats an eyelid.

Followed by “Seven letter word, Q, Z, triple word score - that wraps this game up!”


The Government banning porn.

Is like the BBC banning bullshit...



If Cop26 were a person

I'm phasing down my heroin use
Curbing my drinking
Cutting back on my gambling
And shall republish this pledge again next year ...
Trust me .....I'm clean.



I was watching a porno where this guy was fucking this girl doggy

Or as some people call them, a bitch


BBC NEWS: Cocaine haul found in shipment of onion rings.

I always wondered why they were so moreish

[Piper]

My whole family and
everyone I know was
fucking livid with me
when I tried to forcibly
stop my oldest daughter
from seeing her black
boyfriend.
It surprised me because
They all thought me a hero
when she was little and I
didn't let her keep cuddling
that Golly Toy that she
fucking loved.


My wife filled my passport
application form in but it
was rejected because in
the box marked "sex" she
wrote October 17th 2006


I got drunk in the pub
last night, got into
massive row with
the wife which ended
with me headbutting
her.
A Scottish bloke
confronted me and
accused me of
cultural appropriation.


What do Gordon
Ramsay and niggers
have in common?
They love using a
good kitchen knife.


I tried that cbd oil
but it's nowhere
as good as smoking
weed.


A DILEMMA is a
difficult choice with
two possible options.

A TRILEMMA is
a difficult choice
with the possible
options.

And a CONUNDRUM
is a difficult choice
with an infinite
number of possible
drum kit options.


"Diamonds are a girl's best
friend"
Oh. I thought it was
tampons


Cricket whistle blower
Azeem Rafiq is once
again being called upon to
apologise after shocking
historical tweets were
found confirming that he's
a whiny little twat.


Azeem Rafiq said when
he was 15 some lads held
him down and poured red
wine down his throat...
I simply don't believe him
as he was born in Karachi,
Pakistan he would have
that fishy smell so it
would have had to have
been white wine poured
down his throat.

[Piper]

A UK man went to court
for the right to marry his
laptop computer.
He said his laptop
computer is just like a
wife because whenever
he brings it into bed it
freezes.


If a female boxer starts
her period during a fight,
should her corner throw in
the towel?


They say 'a bird in the
hand is worth two in the
bush,' but my local brothel
has a completely different
pricing structure.


WHO very worried about
Covid rise in Europe.
'You talkin bout my
vaccination' said Roger
Daltrey.


Cutting off arms to Saudi
Arabia would be like
selling snow to Eskimos.


Instead of ever using
pepper spray.
Couldn't the Police just
play songs by Adele.


I love Adele's fast songs ;
they end sooner.


Tim Paine should have
known better.
Good cricketer never
expose their middle stump.


The EU are cracking down
on people who've not yet
had their jab.
That means Scotland
is fine, they inject
themselves every day.


Prince Charles uses diesel
engines for Sandringham's
Christmas lights after
saying we've in the last
chance saloon to tackle
climate change.
Not surprising really. He
once said he wanted to be
Camilla's tampon, and he's
achieved his ambition.
To be a stuck-up cunt.


This new guy was at
our Dark Web cannibal
meetup and he spat out
the drink I made him
"I guess you don't like the
penis colada."

[Bikkie]

NHS ONLINE SYMPTOM FINDER:

Please list symptoms below.

STRESS.......LACK OF INTEREST......APATHY.....FEELING OF SELF HARM.....LOW LIBIDO......CRYING......IRRITATED.......THE URGE TO KILL.......LISTLESS.......FEELING WORTHLESS.

RESULTS: STOP WATCHING AND LISTENING TO ADELE.....SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.



Dear John Lewis. To go one better than this years Christmas advert, how about next year.
Imagine the scene...St Winifreds school choir singing " Silent night, Holy night...arghhhhhhhhh" as a Muslim grooming gang appears in bed sheets and flip flops from the Xmas trees.



Why do they persist with that magic trick in porn ?

When the girl opens her empty mouth , we all know where the semen has gone.


I'm a cop and I was recently sent to the roof of a building where there was a black man standing near the edge. It was an easy job. I started playing music by Adele and the fucker jumped.

Fuck you Rafiq..

You were never ever qualified for white balls cricket.



After she died,Cilla Black arrived at the Pearly Gates. St Peter go his register out and asked
" Name ?"
" Cilla Black" she replied
" Occupation ?"
" Singer and t.v. game presenter"
St Peter looked up and said " I was a huge fan of yours. Forget the formalities, just STEP INSIDE LUV " !!!



Things came to a head in the HR meeting at work today where the trannies and non-bis and such gave me an ultimatum to "stop using gender-specific language and don't call them cocksuckers and such, or else !"

I laughed off their threats again, until they started brandishing big black dildos and strap-ons like truncheons.




It was the other two members of The Police who sent the Message in a Bottle.

They knew poststing it would be difficult.



My new girlfriend offered me a deep-throat blow job. To my delight, after a few minutes of eager guzzling, she stopped and said “I can’t get enough of you”, and then resumed sucking.
Turns out she was expressing her dismay my 3½“ member.

[Piper]

Sure you can get your
wife jewellery or an
expensive bottle of
perfume for Christmas,
but she will NEVER forget
the Christmas you got her
a new mop, Never.


My wife thinks I've got
a drink problem just
because I like a Bailey's at
Christmas.
I'd hardly call it a problen.
Even I find it a bit sickly
after the fifth pint.


It always makes me feel
Christmasy when you go
to the supermarket and
see the easter eggs on the
shelves.


Do this to your enemy at
Christmas.
Steal a new fancy luxury
car like an Audi or BMW or
Tesla.
Put a big bow on the car
and park it outside your
enemy as house, with a
HUGE sign on it saying "To
My wonderful wife ( insert
enemy's wife'’s name )..
Love from your husband
( insert name of enemy )"
Then stand back and
watch the fireworks when
she comes out and sees it
on Christmas day.


My car has increased in
value yet again today,
that's the advantage of a
tank full of petrol.
I'm waiting until after
Christmas before I sell it.


This year with the big fat
bearded red-nosed wife
for Christmas, I'm sure that I
and no one else will get
any gifts from her, and
she'll do nothing but drink
all the eggnog and eat all
the mince pies.


Now pigs in blankets
could be off this
Christmas.
Don't give a fuck. I never
liked the Wife's family
anyway..



When Xmas gifts collide -

"Mom, why is your
bedroom door locked? My
new radio-controlled car
won't work, someone has
taken the batteries out"
BZZZZZZZ "O. h. o. h. o. h.."
BZZZZZZZ "...r.e.a.l.l.y..

BZZZZZZZ
h.o.n.e.y.?" BZZZZZZZ



A survey has revealed
4% of Americans believe
human beings and
dinosaurs lived at the
same time.
True that. I've seen The
Flintstones.
And clearly dinosaurs
were still around less than
2,000 years ago, cos there
was a Christmas special.
Checkmate atheists!


Santa Claus was asked
if he wants to be buried
when he dies.
No, he said, he'd sooner
go up the chimney.


Microsoft have released
a festive advent calendar
this Christmas.
No chocolates just a
load of fucking updates
every time you open your
windows.


"Ho ho ho! And what
would you like for
Christmas little girl?"
"Your hand out of my
flower"


I showed the Christmas
spirit this year as I gave
even the flies in my local
area a present, when I
took a shit in the middle
of the park.


Every Christmas Ant
And Dec volunteer with
a children's charity in
Newcastle. They go
around houses of
disadvantaged children
and put up decorations
to try and bring a bit of
festive cheer. Ant does the
living room, Dec the Halls.


The News : "Because
people of color are
invisible, the racism
against them is also
invisible."

Me: "Because Santa
Claus is invisible, the
Lamborghini, I got
for Christmas is also
invisible. That's why you
can't see it."

[Bikkie]

Hey boyos, tweeting this from hospital. Played a drinking game with a mate—we watched the adverts on I’m a Celebrity and had to take a shot every time a nigger popped up.

…I’m getting the liver transplant next week



Just been watching an advert for the Samaritans on telly.
Then a commercial break said the Adele concert would resume shortly.



Adele persuades Spotify to REMOVE the shuffle button so that albums now automatically play in the artist's designated order.

She also requested they remove the 'Delete Album' button - but this was declined.


Got the sister in law legs akimbo on the table and I'm snookered...don't know whether to take the pink or the brown...


I said to the doctor, "I've had kleptomania for years now."

He said, "Are you taking anything at the moment?"

I said, "Yes, your wallet."



Love is... Waking up in the morning and discovering she hasn't scarpered


Black Lewis Hamilton won the Qatar grand prix.

The World Cup 2022 country with human rights concerns and where homosexuality is illegal and the death penalty is possible.

The race in a race with a race in a race.


My wife got a new tattoo of her mother.

If there’s one thing I hate it's her getting naked and seeing a picture of the Mother - In - Law...



Just got myself a new hybrid.

Although she prefers the term pre-op trans woman.



Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.